My husband desires no closeness

  • Thread starter Thread starter trueblue533
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

trueblue533

Guest
We have been married for 10 years, we have four beautiful children, one of whom is special needs, and I feel like my marriage is no longer existent. When we were dating and first married my husband was very sweet and caring, we did most things together. About four to six months after we were married he began pointing out my faults. It progressively became worse, him pointing out everything I did wrong. Now it has gotten to a point that nothing I do is “good enough”, and if I try to do something that I think will make him happy he becomes angry. I am the source of all his problems. He is not mean to the kids, but is impatient with them, and uses them against me. He desires no closeness emotionally or physically, no signs of affection. A simple kiss when he comes home, from outward appearances, seems torturous to him. I literally can count on one hand that we have been physically close in the past six years. One time I tried to get things started and he looked like he would rather be anywhere other than with me. I am to the point were I don’t know if he ever loved me, and I don’t understand what the point of being married is if I just feel like I’m in his way or a problem to be dealt with. It feels like he left me, emotionally, years ago. We have sought counseling, which helped briefly, and then it got worse, I have begged him for the last few years to attend a married couples retreat as there are at least 3 or 4 options where we live, but he “doesn’t want to spend a night away from home”, but he travels for work. Advice? Suggestions?
 
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. Believe it or not, this comes up on the board somewhat frequently.

Really, my advice is talk with your local priest and if he can’t help, ask him specifically who you can talk to. Explain the things you’ve explained to us, like that counseling hasn’t worked. It might be possible to get an annulment. It’s not the first thing I’d want to suggest, but it’s not like things have only recently gone downhill for you. But talk to a religious advisor.

You were both, I assume, Catholic when you married, in a Catholic church?
 
Yes, we are both Catholic and were married in the church. I actually have talked to three different priests and one told me when the marriage is no longer life giving its life taking. The other two said basically the same thing. I was just hoping that someone had some idea of what I could do to salvage/ save it, or something I could say to him that might make him put forth some effort.
 
. . . I’d be a bit leery about the priest using this poetry-stuff of “life taking” metaphors. That’s just too loosey-goosey to act on in the real world.

I think you should take a breath. You’ve got a resolvable problem. It sounds like the two of you need to block some time out for each other; start perhaps with a retreat of some kind (need not be religious; just find a weekend away from the kids).

My GUESS (I don’t know you or your situation much) is that your husband’s Economically Tense. . . this spills over into his relationship with his life partner, you.
 
Part of the problem is he wants no alone time. I arrange for time for just me and him, dinner out, a night at home alone, are examples. He doesn’t want any closeness. He refuses to go to any kind of retreat, my best bet and want, would be to get him to go to a religious retreat but he won’t. We are expearancing financial hardship for the last 2 years, our problems have been going on for much longer.
 
Get with professionals at that int. of marital healing that I noted above. Both the website and perhaps contact the. That is a Catholic Answers show i linked.
 
if all the other options don’t work, you might have to come straight out and just talk to him about it. ask him why he feels the way he does. if you haven’t tried that already that is. i’m no marriage expert though so it’s just a humble suggestion. as good as the other suggestions are, it’s also a 2-way street. you cna’t make a marriage work by yourself if he refuses to do anything. do i think it’s salvageable? of course, but both people have to want to salvage it. also, you may not just be able to get an annulment if you wanted to. it depends if anything was wrong before or during the time of the wedding only. problems that come up later don’t count. i don’t know abything about your situation in that regard, tat would be between you and the church. but this is worse case scenario really. another option of course, would be civil divorce and living in separation if it really doesn’t work. hoping it won’t come to that either though. that’s all i’ve got for now, i’m praying for you.
 
After reading your posting, I can say this much. My wife, and I were married for 50 years, and by my failure to “make things happen” we spent the entire 50 years with no intimacy what so ever. Sex? Sure, anytime I wanted it. Her? Only one time in those 50 years did she initiate sex. Never again.
I found out (after we were married) that she was a sex addict. Addicted to masturbation, and fantasizing. And, as such, a true con artist as well. I met her at 17, and she was “full blown” already.
You can try again to initiate something along the lines of counceling. But, from what you say, he has turned you “out to pasture” pretty much completely. There has to be some reason for this total change of heart. Any man who would enter into marriage, have children, and then, maybe even slowly, fade into the sunset so to speak, has to have had something change drastically in his outlook of life. You say the problem started before you ever experienced money problems, so you can pretty much rule that out. But, you either have to initiate something, or learn to live with it, and that ain’t pretty. I know. The stress just gets worse.
Good luck, and I and my prayer group will be praying for your success. Whatever He wants.
 
St. Paul says sex with your spouse is a “duty” and that it should be “often”.
OT Scripture speaks of marital “rights”.

I personally was unable to bear with a wife who wouldn’t be intimate month after month, year after year, and I even found myself lonely and tempted, so I asked for divorce. Of course, when your divorced your don’t have sex (in faithfulness), but the point is you don’t have to bear being rejected all the time by your spouse.

It’s a real cross to bear, and I hope you can either bear it or find a way out; God bless!
 
Dear Mary, untier of knots, please untie the knots that are in between this couple, melt the heart of her husband, and give her the inspiration she needs to turn things around.
Amen
 
I would seriously consider investigating infidelity. I can not say how but I have much experience with these matters. Infidelity is often at the heart of these problems. You need to confront him about what he is up to. You might look at his cell phone and emails, spending records as well. Maybe this sounds underhanded but he is your husband and took an oath before God that he would love, honor and obey you and forsake all others. He needs to man up and fulfill his vow or come clean with what his problem is. Do not over look same sex infidelity either as that is also a root cause. Please do not get mad at my post I am answering you honestly. I would bet your intuition has made you wonder exactly what I am talking about.

I will pray for you.
 
I have to agree with Angel here (post on previous page). Sure, the marriage could be saved. It takes two, though. There isn’t much you can do to improve the marriage by yourself. You can work on you and lead basically separate lives in hopes he will eventually realize he has a good thing and come around or you could divorce and investigate annulment. But without his cooperation I don’t see the situation getting any better.

Just a thought, but is the special needs child the youngest? Perhaps he is distancing himself from you because he is afraid closeness will lead to sex which would lead to pregnancy and another special needs child?
 
The thing that I keep thinking about is you said the problems slowly started about 4-6 months after you were married.

How long did you date? How did he propose? What was you engagement like?

Is it possible (looking back now) that he may not have been emotional ready to get married, not ready for the responsibility? Sometimes, couples or individuals get married out of obligation, loyality, social pressure, etc. When this happens, resentment can occur because the one individual feels trapped. Sometimes, they are not even truely aware of their feelings during the engagement - confusing it with “cold feet.”

I’m not saying that your husband doesn’t love you or never did. But something is not right.

Good luck and God Bless.
 
bsroufek said:
St. Paul says sex with your spouse is a “duty” and that it should be “often”.
OT Scripture speaks of marital “rights”.

I personally was unable to bear with a wife who wouldn’t be intimate month after month, year after year, and I even found myself lonely and tempted, so I asked for divorce. Of course, when your divorced your don’t have sex (in faithfulness), but the point is you don’t have to bear being rejected all the time by your spouse.

It’s a real cross to bear, and I hope you can either bear it or find a way out; God bless!
Click to expand...
I understand your hardship, but vows are for thick and thin. They can’t be invalidated simply because one or both parties are miserable.
 
Has your spouse had a complete and thorough physical exam since this issue began?

If not, perhaps this should be done to rule out a physical, and treatable condition.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top