My husband has no feelings for me

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Youngcatholic

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My husband told me this week that he no longer has feelings for me. I am completely shattered…

I am a stay at home mother of 2 young sons ages 3 and 1. We currently live out of state and we don’t have a support system around to help with our children or to have date night. I am also still nursing the 14 month old so it makes a date night/babysitter arrangement difficult.

Basically, we moved out of state so my husband could accept a job promotion and allow me the freedom to stay home. I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. However, after the birth of my second son, I have faced many obstacles - a bout with pneumonia which resulted in other chronic health issues, a 3 month period where my 3 year old would wake up screaming several times a night at his door and my husband and I were so sleep deprived we couldn’t function. I also have very few friends and not a lot of personal contact with people all day. My husband works long hours. I know we neglected each other over time - the children are demanding and between my health issues and feeling physically unwell over the past year, not to mention being alone alot with the kids during the day and not being able to keep up with all the chores, made me moody and I fell into a pattern of complaining about the kids without always realizing it.

My husband and I have gotten into 2 major fights recently. He said he took this promotion and spent the last decade of his life working to allow me to stay home with the kids and I don’t appreciate any of it. That all I do is mope, etc. I apologized for the moping and told my husband that I love the children and being with them but that I feel like I never get a break and the pain from the health issues have been affecting me. He said that he never gets a break from work or help at work, and that I have no real hardship being a housewife.

We don’t have sex hardly ever. I am not on birth control and not ready to have more children. The NFP charting has been pretty unreliable for me due to all the night-wakings of the children and probably hormones affecting the temperatures - plus remembering to take the daily temperatures as the babies are screaming to get up in the morning.

I am very scared for my marriage. The fact that he says he doesn’t really have any affection left for me is shattering. I apologized to him for taking him for granted but he doesn’t accept my apology. He refuses to sleep in our bedroom and says there is no point to it anymore. I don’t think he likes his job much - it is a ton of responsibility and he works all the time… I asked him about taking a vacation and he said he couldn’t and there was no point to that anyway.

I am sad, frustrated, and scared! I feel like he is giving up because of what I have done to our relationship. I didn’t mean to neglect him or to complain all the times I did - it just sort of happened with all the stress of the children and being with them 24/7. I am trying to change myself but I fear it is too late…

Thanks for your advice and support.
 
I offer you my prayers.

It is good that you recognize those parts of your behavior that you might need to work on, but I sincerely hope you do not somehow think the situation is all your fault. You will both need to make changes and work on repairing things.

I would recommend talking with your priest and getting his advice.
 
It seems that your husband is going through a period.

One thing that is so different from when i was young, is that we love our children with material versus trusting they will be ok without them. Young adult, are use to have their free time and to be all about them but when they marry, they don’t connect the dot that it will be all about the family. I think, he missed his freedom but he doesn’t realize that he has hit the jackpot with you and those beautiful children that you have.

Does He go to church? If he is up to, you need to go see your priest and he could guide you to a marriage counselor. Sometime, we need a reality check.

You wrote such a long post, i could feel that you are feeling responsible for his behavior like you feel you need to justify yourself. Please don’t, truly don’t. You aren’t doing anything wrong. **It is such a beautiful thing that you are staying at home to care for the children. **Marriage counseling will help your husband to truly see this and be grateful for this. He has all the reason to be grateful because those children will turn out to be precious because of you.

PRAY Mother Mary. Commit to a rosary mystery once a week. Only miracles happened in my family. Mother Mary is truly wonderful with our family.

You are in my prayer!
 
How about weaning the 1-year-old to bottles of cow’s milk (if the kid isn’t allergic)? Your normal fertility should return in a couple of months after that. Tell your husband that that’s what you’re doing and why. I understand this is a major sacrifice to make if you intended to breastfeed longer, but if you can save your marriage, it will be worth it. Your kids need their dad way more than your youngest needs to breastfeed.

I remember how it felt when my oldest kids were 2 and an infant and then 3 and 1. I had lots of sitters (we were living in a college dormitory), but we were both tired all the time. It would be weird if the two of you were going through this and feeling lovey-dovey about each other all the time.

It sounds like your husband will have a hard time believing this, but it doesn’t have to be like this forever. In a year if you hold onto each other and work through this, you’ll both feel 100% better. Also, can you find an inexpensive mother’s day out program or half-day preschool for your oldest? Your youngest may get sick more from the germ exposure, but if you’re happier, it will be worth it.

Can you sit your husband down and ask him what he wants, job-wise? Tell him it’s OK to find a different job, and that you want him to like his work. Talk about what your dreams and goals are for the next five years, and work on figuring out how to get there.
 
“I also have very few friends and not a lot of personal contact with people all day.”

This is something to work on. It takes work, but you need to make friends, go to church mothers’ groups, hang out at playgrounds and meet people, meet parents at preschool, join a stroller walking group, host play groups, meet neighbors, etc. It’s not goofing off–it’s an important part of your job. (I personally was in a very similar situation and only managed to meet people once my oldest went to a preschool co-op. And my social life really only blossomed after we moved away from the big city NE to a medium-sized city in Texas. But ever since, I’ve had a fantastic social life. My two oldest are in school, we have a third baby now and I’m having a blast.)

50% of your job is just being happy.
 
You and your husband are polarized right now. You need to get on the same side of the problems, so that you are working TOGETHER to solve them, not with each person feeling alone on his or her side of things. It’s not always a snap to do this, and the longer this goes on, the harder it gets.

His job stress and dissatisfaction is part of the overall problem in your marriage. Your stress with the children, health problems, and having no friends are also in the mix. But BOTH OF YOU need to respect the other’s stress and frustration - you with his job stress, him with your kid stress.

It’s a hard time of life, where you are right now. We went through that night-time waking/crying/fear cycle with our oldest at about that same age - 3 - and it shattered both of us. The younger boy would wake up too and then it would be insanity trying to get TWO of them back to sleep…Hubby really came through on this one though, and I still remind him of what a great daddy he was…When the night time crying started, he would go in to our oldest’s room and lie on the floor until son went back to sleep. After a week or so of that, he started moving toward the door. Still there, but a little more distant. Then, after another week or so, he put a chair in the room and just sat down on the chair, and when our son fussed, he would just reassure him verbally. Then, the chair moved outside the door, but within sight. Then, he would get up from the chair and walk away, but walk by the door every so often. Finally, he would say good night, sit in the chair briefly, and then get up and not return. It worked.

Anyway, there you see a problem that was both of ours, and hubby ended up solving it so we could get some sleep. It wasn’t the way I would have solved it, but it worked. We were on the same side, which was DESPERATE! 😃

So one way or the other, you have to both get on the same side of the problems. If that takes you sitting down and talking about his job, and how he feels about it, do that. Do it after you get the little ones in bed, but do it. Let him vent, and then ask him what he thinks would improve the situation. Maybe you need to move back where you have more support. Maybe he wants to look for other opportunities - maybe he can be his own boss. I don’t know, but that’s the kind of thing that puts you firmly in HIS camp and not taking him for granted.

Get out in the neighborhood with the kids and walk around, go to a park, meet some other moms. You need friends too.
 
We have a lot in common. Maybe I can help a bit.

One of the things you can work on is NFP. With Creighton, Billings, and Marquette, you don’t have to rely on temps. I myself have a nursing 19mo and use Creighton. I have found it very satisfactory. That will take some of the stress out of sex and therefore your marriage.

I am also a SAHM. My DH and I often have the same arguments that you guys have. I get overwhelmed with the kids, the housework, and the fatigue that comes from a medical condition I have. He works long hours. I recently started doing some work out of the home to see if that would take some of the tension out. It has definitely made me feel better in some ways; I felt that I was smothering, being at home all day with only the kids for company and no other human contact. This way I get a break from the kids, even if I’m still working. The downside is I get behind on the housework and DH gets really annoyed (he doesn’t believe it is his job to do any of it :rolleyes:). But now that I am happier, I am more affectionate and giving towards DH, and that has done A LOT to rekindle his feelings for me.

We were also able to go out alone together for the first time in almost 2 years. It was kind of awkward at first…we didn’t really have a lot to talk about. But then alcohol loosened my tongue and we ended up gabbing nonstop the rest of the night. We held hands and it felt like when we were just starting to date.

We still have our issues. I would like to do some couples’ counseling. Maybe that would help you guys, too.

I hope this helps! If you ever want to talk more privately, feel free to PM me!
 
Xantippe said:
“I also have very few friends and not a lot of personal contact with people all day.”

This is something to work on. It takes work, but you need to make friends, go to church mothers’ groups, hang out at playgrounds and meet people, meet parents at preschool, join a stroller walking group, host play groups, meet neighbors, etc. It’s not goofing off–it’s an important part of your job. (I personally was in a very similar situation and only managed to meet people once my oldest went to a preschool co-op. And my social life really only blossomed after we moved away from the big city NE to a medium-sized city in Texas. But ever since, I’ve had a fantastic social life. My two oldest are in school, we have a third baby now and I’m having a blast.)

50% of your job is just being happy.
Click to expand...
You know the old saw…

“If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy!”

😉
 
I’ve been in your husbands shoes. Right down to the stay at home wife with health problems and the screaming kids, living in a state where you don’t know anyone, and the crushing workload.

He may need anti-depressants, they do help alot with displacing anger onto your spouse.
 
It sounds like as a family you are isolated and neither you nor your husband are getting the down-time you each need, nor the couple time.

This is tricky with young children. We have young children, but supportive parents who will babysit so we can enjoy the odd dinner or movie or whatever. If you are away from such support, it is harder. Does your local church or school have suggested options for babysitting? Is the situation serious enough that you and your husband should strongly consider leaving this job and moving back closer to family? All the money in the world cannot make up for an unhappy family life.

I also think a lack of sexual intimacy is a concern. Often a lack of sex is driven by a lack of closeness, but sometimes a lack of closeness is driven by a lack of sexual intimacy. The two often go hand in hand, and making time for sexual intimacy can pay off in other areas of marital intimacy.
 
It is never too late. Where there is God, there is always hope.
If he dislikes his job, do you think moving back to where your families are would be an option? At least you’d have a support system and help with the kids so that you can focus on your marriage more. I will pray for you.
 
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