My husband is a narcissist

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Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

For Help in Trials

Most holy apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who feels so hopeless. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege accorded to you of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, in particular Matercul, and that I may bless God with you and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise you, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.
 
Rico_S said:
I’d tell you to talk to your priest and have him intervene, but I know so often in these very rad trad type circles the priests will not by sympathetic to the wife. Perhaps look away from your normal parish for some advice?

Anyway, your story just struck a chord with me today. I sincerely hope you find a way out of this or at least find a way to improve the situation.
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Thank you so much for the solidarity!
Honestly, it’s NOT like we’re Rad Trad. I suppose maybe a LITTLE? Our parish priest is very wise, he would see through a lot of the nonsense. We follow Church teaching and love the Mass, and even love tradition, but I think it’s that my husband uses what he thinks is his God-given power as a husband to control and manipulate.
He knows I want to be a good wife, and a good Catholic. He uses that by trying to convince me of how a good Catholic wife needs to treat her husband, even if he knows deep down that he’s not saying it out of a belief of traditional values, but because he wants an excuse to treat me like dirt.
Make sense?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Wow pianist,
I did not know that story. You are one of the posters I respect more than most. I find you to not only be Catholic, but classy, well educated, logical,and very in charge of your emotions. Were you always like this or is this part of the aftermath of ten years ago?
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No clue. I think I developed an empathy for people who have no voice, yeah.
Thanks. Your words humble me.
God bless you Hoos.
 
He has to go with you to talk to a priest or marriage counselor. If he doesn’t, you go anyway, and tell him each time what you discussed, etc. to give him an incentive to go next time. Tell your kids where you are going as well if he won’t come with you. If he does go along, it can remain discreet.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Wow pianist,
I did not know that story. You are one of the posters I respect more than most. I find you to not only be Catholic, but classy, well educated, logical,and very in charge of your emotions. Were you always like this or is this part of the aftermath of ten years ago?
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I second every single word of this!
 
Matercul said:
We follow Church teaching and love the Mass, and even love tradition, but I think it’s that my husband uses what he thinks is his God-given power as a husband to control and manipulate.
He knows I want to be a good wife, and a good Catholic. He uses that by trying to convince me of how a good Catholic wife needs to treat her husband, even if he knows deep down that he’s not saying it out of a belief of traditional values, but because he wants an excuse to treat me like dirt.
Make sense?
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Yup. I get it. He’s likely just using/twisting religion to get his way and maintain dominance. Of course, I guess he could actually believe that this is how a wife is to be treated according to Catholic teaching. Either way…its sooo wrong and I feel terrible about your situation.
 
[BIBLEDRB][/BIBLEDRB]
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Wow pianist,
I did not know that story. You are one of the posters I respect more than most. I find you to not only be Catholic, but classy, well educated, logical,and very in charge of your emotions. Were you always like this or is this part of the aftermath of ten years ago?
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Agreed!

Prayers and love for all involved. Lots of wisdom in this thread.
 
Camera, camera, camera. Record, record, record. Keep all somewhere where it will not be found. May be handy or needed one day. Praying for you and your children as children tend to copy and keep the cycle going.:twocents:worth.
 
I would also recommend trying to get other men, men whom you respect, involved in your children’s lives. Growing up with a father who behaves like this, it’s going to be very important for them to see other models.
 
pianistclare said:
You don’t have to give me more examples. It get it. You are me 10 years ago.
It only gets worse. Does he abuse alcohol? Is there some habit of his that fuels his rage?
My husband ended up taking his own life when I finally decided I’d had it. He threatened to kill our oldest daughter over spilled water. That was IT. Called the cops, they saw me and the little girls in tears, and they read him the riot act, and encouraged me to get a trash bag, fill it with clothes and school books, the car keys, the house keys and take off.
We did. Got word at the battered women’s shelter that he had killed himself. At home.

Was a long horrible road.
Have HIM meet with the priest.
Tell him that you both need it.
Insist. It’s urgent.
I’m praying for you.
pianist
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So sorry for what you’ve been through. I have a narcissist in my life who I have an obligated tie to. About 6 months ago, we had to involve the police in his behaviour towards us and because he was threatening suicide, he was taken to the psychiatric hospital for an assessment.

After about 2 weeks worth of escalated behaviours and then disgraceful behaviour in the locked ward… we were told that he has no mental illness but is antisocial narcissistic and that we would be better to sever our ties. The head psychiatrist told us that his threats of suicide had become a manipulation tactic and that he may even try it and succeed as a way of punishing us. My head still spins at what we have been dealing with.
 
LongingSoul said:
So sorry for what you’ve been through. I have a narcissist in my life who I have an obligated tie to. About 6 months ago, we had to involve the police in his behaviour towards us and because he was threatening suicide, he was taken to the psychiatric hospital for an assessment.

After about 2 weeks worth of escalated behaviours and then disgraceful behaviour in the locked ward… we were told that he has no mental illness but is antisocial narcissistic and that we would be better to sever our ties. The head psychiatrist told us that his threats of suicide had become a manipulation tactic and that he may even try it and succeed as a way of punishing us. My head still spins at what we have been dealing with.
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Oh yeah. That “punishing thing” is real.
My ex left a voicemail message on my phone. Him gagging on the barrel of the gun.
Abuse for these people is the be-all-end all.
Be very careful OP. Be watchful, and be ready to take action if necessary. I pray it will turn around. But I am really worried for your children and for you.
Tell your priest EVERYTHING. One of the things I heard over and over was “why didn’t you say something? We would have helped you?” Of course, these people don’t understand that you have been programmed to remain silent.
Speak. For the safety of your family. Speak out! Put reliable people in your lives that can be witnesses and protectors. Line up places to stay in emergency. Confide in people.
You will be amazed at the amount of people who are genuine when they say " you can count on us/" Even if it’s not family. Expect his family to take his side. That’s fine. Prepare yourself without them.
God bless. I will be praying for you tonight.
Clare
 
pianistclare said:
Oh yeah. That “punishing thing” is real.
My ex left a voicemail message on my phone. Him gagging on the barrel of the gun.
Abuse for these people is the be-all-end all.
Be very careful OP. Be watchful, and be ready to take action if necessary. I pray it will turn around. But I am really worried for your children and for you.
Tell your priest EVERYTHING. One of the things I heard over and over was “why didn’t you say something? We would have helped you?” Of course, these people don’t understand that you have been programmed to remain silent.
Speak. For the safety of your family. Speak out! Put reliable people in your lives that can be witnesses and protectors. Line up places to stay in emergency. Confide in people.
You will be amazed at the amount of people who are genuine when they say " you can count on us/" Even if it’s not family. Expect his family to take his side. That’s fine. Prepare yourself without them.
God bless. I will be praying for you tonight.
Clare
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OP:
Take every single word of this to heart.

Pianist:
I am sure you already do this at some level, but I believe one of your vocations is to do exactly what you did in this thread. Your words ring not only of someone who has been there but someone who knows exactly how to help others.
 
pianistclare said:
Oh yeah. That “punishing thing” is real.
My ex left a voicemail message on my phone. Him gagging on the barrel of the gun.
Abuse for these people is the be-all-end all.
Be very careful OP. Be watchful, and be ready to take action if necessary. I pray it will turn around. But I am really worried for your children and for you.
Tell your priest EVERYTHING. One of the things I heard over and over was “why didn’t you say something? We would have helped you?” Of course, these people don’t understand that you have been programmed to remain silent.
Speak. For the safety of your family. Speak out! Put reliable people in your lives that can be witnesses and protectors. Line up places to stay in emergency. Confide in people.
You will be amazed at the amount of people who are genuine when they say " you can count on us/" Even if it’s not family. Expect his family to take his side. That’s fine. Prepare yourself without them.
God bless. I will be praying for you tonight.
Clare
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Yes.

Here’s a relatively happy story for the OP:

calvinistjaneway.wordpress.com/2014/07/

Another post by the same blogger:

calvinistjaneway.wordpress.com/2014/09/14/john-piper-and-complementarian-figure-skating/

That’s from a Protestant blogger, but something to bear in mind is that in traditional Catholic culture, the husband is not supposed to be the god-emperor or pope of his household, answerable to nobody. That’s a freaky and rather abusive fundamentalist Protestant idea and it is (unsurprisingly) spiritually very harmful to the men that embrace it, not to mention their families.
 
I must say that I find wives like you inspiring. You really show us that you believe that marriage is a sacred bond and not a contact that you should skip out of if you are no longer having lovey-dovey feelings.

First of all, I would suggest trying to figure out what the root cause of your husband’s behavior is. I have seen people who act like this not because they are innately mean-spirited, but because they are coping with years and years of rejection and bitterness and just want to make themselves feel better by making their loved ones their subordinates. It might not change him to figure it out, but it might be easier for you to bear it.

Second, go to Communion daily. Let Jesus’s love permeate your heart to make all this easier to bear.

Third, pray for your husband. Ask St. Rita’s intercession. Do not give up hope that he can one day change, no matter what psychiatry tells us. With God all things are possible.

Fourth, enjoy the happy moments that you have with him, if you can.

Fifth, surround yourself with like-minded Catholics. Don’t confide in people who do not share your values, because most likely they will start pressuring you to divorce him. Someone I know did this, listened to her friends’ advice and she is now currently living with another man…not good…

Sixth, pray for your children. For a long time they might think that what is happening in your marriage is normal, but if they are filled by God’s grace, it is very probable that when they start reaching adulthood they will, by themselves, pick up on the fact that all is not right in your relationship. Make sure that they continue to love him and pray for him.

God Bless you, and I hope that the Holy Spirit will start working on your husband without delay!
 
MonikaBarbara said:
I

Sixth, pray for your children. For a long time they might think that what is happening in your marriage is normal, but if they are filled by God’s grace, it is very probable that when they start reaching adulthood they will, by themselves, pick up on the fact that all is not right in your relationship. Make sure that they continue to love him and pray for him.
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There are some unfortunate possibilities for the children. Some that haven’t been mentioned:
  1. They may assimilate the idea that this is a normal Catholic marriage, and they will ultimately decide that they want no part of the Catholic faith, if that’s what it means.
  2. They may blame the OP more than their father. (This happens a lot, unfortunately.)
It’s also hard to say what kids will or won’t figure out.

Here’s an unfortunate true story:

I grew up in a home where my mom always put my dad on a pedestal to us kids, while my dad (although he had other good qualities) had a temper and no filter and he would often loudly criticize my mom right in front of us. He griped about her housekeeping and her cooking and her spending and financial management. As a result, I learned to not respect my mom, but I respected my dad. Only in the last year or so did I finally figure that out and realize how unfair that was and it finally occurred to me that had my mom wished to, there were plenty of things he did that she could have griped about, but didn’t (like that my dad could have worked a real job, but chose not to, so that our family was chronically short of funds). But at the time, I took it all at face value–I believed my mom when she put my dad on a pedestal, and I believed my dad when he criticized my mom.

So, careful what you let your kids believe about you.
 
Matercul said:
he’ll make statements about how “we’re Catholic, and in a traditional marriage,” and basically insinuate that it’s expected that we are not equals, and that outside of his role as provider, nothing else should be expected of him, and in no way should he have to answer for anything he does…
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Perhaps he missed the scripture in Ephesians that says “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it;”

His view of marriage is certainly not a Catholic one.
 
Xantippe said:
I grew up in a home where my mom always put my dad on a pedestal to us kids, while my dad (although he had other good qualities) had a temper and no filter and he would often loudly criticize my mom right in front of us. He griped about her housekeeping and her cooking and her spending and financial management. As a result, I learned to not respect my mom, but I respected my dad. Only in the last year or so did I finally figure that out and realize how unfair that was and it finally occurred to me that had my mom wished to, there were plenty of things he did that she could have griped about, but didn’t (like that my dad could have worked a real job, but chose not to, so that our family was chronically short of funds). But at the time, I took it all at face value–I believed my mom when she put my dad on a pedestal, and I believed my dad when he criticized my mom.

So, careful what you let your kids believe about you.
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I would also be careful to watch how your husband behaves around the children. I grew up with a parent who has some narcissistic tendencies (that were severely exacerbated by some medical issues for a number of years). The narcissistic parent definitely tends to lead children to feeling that they’re never good enough for the parent, and that can cause some issues. And it can be subtle; you don’t have to tell a child that they’re not valued or not good enough for it to come across.
 
Matercul said:
Thank you so much for the solidarity!
Honestly, it’s NOT like we’re Rad Trad. I suppose maybe a LITTLE? Our parish priest is very wise, he would see through a lot of the nonsense. We follow Church teaching and love the Mass, and even love tradition, but I think it’s that my husband uses what he thinks is his God-given power as a husband to control and manipulate.
He knows I want to be a good wife, and a good Catholic. He uses that by trying to convince me of how a good Catholic wife needs to treat her husband, even if he knows deep down that he’s not saying it out of a belief of traditional values, but because he wants an excuse to treat me like dirt.
Make sense?
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Being a traditional catholic is not an excuse to treat your wife poorly…Just beacuase someone is going to latin mass does not automatically qualify them as a saint. In fact, most of TLM particularly SSPX who post online give out a message that they are better and superior to other Catholics.Where’s the humility there?. Are they sinless because they are traditional…of course not…

Your husband being a traditional catholic does not exempt him from sin. Apparently his treatment to his wife is an area of weakness. Maybe you can help him out on that one by being more independent, look for a job and stand on your own feet. Life sometimes is not a fairy tale where you marry , live happily ever after and just depend on the husband…In abusive situations such as this, it is always better for a woman to be independent.
 
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