My husband is changing!

[Amber2]

Hi everyone
When I married my husband almost two years ago he was not a Catholic. He converted some months later. Then he started listening to catholic podcasts and that is when he really started being interested in his new faith. He learned a lot and got fired up. But now the problem is that he is listening a lot to men-podcasts. I mean talks from men, for men, about mens’ role and position and it is always about the man’s Godgiven authority/role/leadership/responsibility etc etc. Now he suddenly also has the idea that if we have children I have to stay home for at least 3 years pro child. Because every good mom does that and if I don’t want to I am a bad mom who puts her own hobbys over her children… I really feel uncomfortable with all this stuff and especially being put into a box and fixed to a certain gender role.
I told him that I don’t want a “leader” but a partner and friend who will look into my eyes as an equal. We got into a fight about it. I don’t know what to think. Any thoughts would be welcome!
A

 

[cabolissa]

Hi everyone
When I married my husband almost two years ago he was not a Catholic. He converted some months later. Then he started listening to catholic podcasts and that is when he really started being interested in his new faith. He learned a lot and got fired up. But now the problem is that he is listening a lot to men-podcasts. I mean talks from men, for men, about mens’ role and position and it is always about the man’s Godgiven authority/role/leadership/responsibility etc etc. Now he suddenly also has the idea that if we have children I have to stay home for at least 3 years pro child. Because every good mom does that and if I don’t want to I am a bad mom who puts her own hobbys over her children… I really feel uncomfortable with all this stuff and especially being put into a box and fixed to a certain gender role.
I told him that I don’t want a “leader” but a partner and friend who will look into my eyes as an equal. We got into a fight about it. I don’t know what to think. Any thoughts would be welcome!
A

Sounds like you two could benefit from meeting with the parish pastoral care counselor (free). That way, you’ll opinions be heard in faith-based setting and he’ll be more apt to listen to that authority. Good luck!

 

[mommamia]

Hi everyone
When I married my husband almost two years ago he was not a Catholic. He converted some months later. Then he started listening to catholic podcasts and that is when he really started being interested in his new faith. He learned a lot and got fired up. But now the problem is that he is listening a lot to men-podcasts. I mean talks from men, for men, about mens’ role and position and it is always about the man’s Godgiven authority/role/leadership/responsibility etc etc. Now he suddenly also has the idea that if we have children I have to stay home for at least 3 years pro child. Because every good mom does that and if I don’t want to I am a bad mom who puts her own hobbys over her children… I really feel uncomfortable with all this stuff and especially being put into a box and fixed to a certain gender role.
I told him that I don’t want a “leader” but a partner and friend who will look into my eyes as an equal. We got into a fight about it. I don’t know what to think. Any thoughts would be welcome!
A

I would suggest marriage encounter. Yes marriage should be a partnership. However, why would you not want to stay home with your children? IMO if it is possible it is best. I don’t understand your wording you said "…who puts her own hobbys over her children… " Are you talking about working or playing? I may love my job, but it is my job and not my hobby.

 

[littlepreo]

If you don’t already, try praying together a half hour a day. Read scripture together or say a rosary together. Also, study Eph. 5 together (its about marriage). I have found morning prayer with my wife to be a great blessing.

God Bless,
-mike

 

[royal_archer]

does he listed to catholic speaches or ones from freelance “Christians”?

 

[MCGar]

Quite honestly it looks like your hubby is in the honeymoon stage of his learning of Catholicism. He wants to rush into doing all the ‘right’ things and have his life change in accordance with that. The problem is that he must not forget he can’t run over his spouse in the process.

I ditto the other poster who suggested a Catholic Counselor to help mediate your thoughts to him in a way that he’ll be more apt to listen.

He does not need to run you over with the way he wants things to be.

But at the same time, please be careful not to completely close your ears to what he’s trying to say even if it comes out sounding rude and roughshod.

There are many advantages to staying home with children to form important bonds and relationships if you are able to. It doesn’t lesson yourself as an individual or box you into a gender role, that imho is all a bunch of hype.
*

But, really this might not be something to fight tooth and nail over at the moment, when people actually have children things start changing in them in the way they want to handle things.

Bottom line is that your husband needs to respect you, but it would also be good for you to try to see where he is coming from also.*

 

[royal_archer]

does he listed to catholic speaches or ones from freelance “Christians”?

Back from dinner… The reason I asked was because I occcasionally listen to the freelance / non Denominational Christian radio station when the Catholic station is out of range. On the freelance station they have some wild and extreme points of view.

Some random thoughts: I get the impression you do not have kids yet. I recomending getting this worked out prior to having kids if possible. If your husband is isolating you, that would probably have happended sooner after your weading day. If he is interested in the welfare of the kids, that is a good thing that you should work with. Is it possible for you to work from home? Is it possible for him to be the stay at home parrent? Does he feel self concious that he can’t provide for you if you have to work? (Some guys who are conciencious fathers and husbands feel they are letting their family down if Mom works.)

My wife is a stay at home mom and it did make it easier raising our kids. I didn’t make my wife quit her job but gave her the option and she wanted to. Now that the kids are older I wish she would get a job so she could get out of the house.

 

[noodles]

why not go for marriage counseling…it can be helpful

noodles

 

[Amber2]

Thanks you guys for all your thoughts. Maybe counceling is not such a bad idea if the problem continues.
No my husband would never listen to any other christian radio. He is quite proud as a Catholic now…
royal archer, that way is the way it used to be. That this was an open question, that is was not fixed who stays home when and how long. That we wait and see and find out what works best for us when the kids arrive. I think too that a parent being home with the kids for a while is a good thing, but I don’t think it has to be the wife all the way through. I know many people who missed their dad growing up (myself included) Also in this country there are practically no stay at home moms so it is a really lonely lifestyle. I can’t imagine that I would be able to just be a stay at home mom year after year, I would go nuts I think. But who knows. … I just want to be respected and not forced into it.
A

 

[Seatuck]

He might not be listening to mainstream catholic information but some type of fringe group. Find out what he is listening to and listen to it yourself. Get him to good catholic marriage resources. The Catholicmarriage model is mutual submission not male authoritarianism. Topics such as this are to be researched, discussed , negotiated and possible compromises made.

 

[Serap]

once you have kids, you will want to be at home with them. it’s a completely different story when you don’t have kids.

I would love to stay at home with my daughter, but we can’t afford it.

Also with men, I find it’s best to let them think they are in charge and you rule the house from underneath. I will give you an analogy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding;

The man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck that turns the head.

I wouldn’t worry too much about him wanting to do the right thing for his future children. Staying at home for a few years is a wonderful experience. Your priorities change when you hold them and laugh with them. Your husband will be a wonderful father, I’m sure.

I think you are worrying a bit too much. It wouldn’t hurt to talk it out together also.

 

[royal_archer]

Thanks you guys for all your thoughts. Maybe counceling is not such a bad idea if the problem continues.
No my husband would never listen to any other christian radio. He is quite proud as a Catholic now…
royal archer, that way is the way it used to be. That this was an open question, that is was not fixed who stays home when and how long. That we wait and see and find out what works best for us when the kids arrive. I think too that a parent being home with the kids for a while is a good thing, but I don’t think it has to be the wife all the way through. I know many people who missed their dad growing up (myself included) Also in this country there are practically no stay at home moms so it is a really lonely lifestyle. I can’t imagine that I would be able to just be a stay at home mom year after year, I would go nuts I think. But who knows. … I just want to be respected and not forced into it.
A

I told my wife that if she could get a decent job I would love to stay home instead. She hasn’t taken me up on it.

 

[TigerKitty]

Amber -

I would give anything to have your difficulties…my husband doesn’t want children and didn’t tell me before the wedding.

My adivce?

Find something you can do on the internet to keep your career alive (me, I would trade my “career” for a cashier job at WalMart to have a family where I feel loved)…

But you can work from home AND be there to raise your children. Please consider this. There are so many opportunities today. Try consulting. Consider a career field change if working from home is not amenable to you.

Good luck, and wishing you many happy and healthy children and a loving family,

• TK

 

[Salonika]

Serap:

once you have kids, you will want to be at home with them. it’s a completely different story when you don’t have kids.

It’s also a completely different story when changes are made by one partner where they had previously been made jointly. I’d be wondering what the next unilateral change would be and whether I was still in a partnership.

Serap:

Also with men, I find it’s best to let them think they are in charge and you rule the house from underneath.

Partnerships are only partnerships when that’s what they are. Playing games that the partnership is open, negotiable and equal when it is not is unfair.

Serap:

Your husband will be a wonderful father, I’m sure.

This isn’t the issue here. But will he also want to always decide things for his children even when they are old enough and capable able to make decisions for themselves. That’s not being a good father in my view.

Serap:

It wouldn’t hurt to talk it out together also.

Think it’s not just a good idea but essential. You need to talk this over. He may not realise that he is in effect unilaterally making decisions that should be made by both of you. If so, he may need to be reminded that marriage is partnership and decisions need to be made by both partners.

 

[GraceDK]

Dear Amber.

Gosh your situation must be confusing to you. It’s like: “HEY what did you do with my husband?”
Many Catholics know the word “feminist” as some negative concept. But few realise that there is also a temptation especially for the religious man, which is male shuvanism. Shuvanism is not pretty and has little to do with the example of Gods Order which is based on love and service…

I don’t really have any good advice… but maybe the next time you guys read Scripture you can look at the passage from Luke 22: 24- 27 together. Maybe if you read that slowly to your husband he will ponder what the example for Jesus is about.

I really appreciate Salonika’s words and also think that its a rather sick tendency when a woman hides her gifts or talents because her man will feel threatened by them. That man needs to straighten up and and have some true selfconfidence, because tyranny at the expense of others is a hollow privilege and the love and respect will not develop in the most healthy form where one part is dominated.

Take care Amber. Keep us posted on what happens.

Gracie

 

[survive]

Converts go through a topsy-turvy stage where we see everything differently every few seconds and get emotional and overenthusiastic. It might be the spillover of everything we had always been on some level uncomfortable with before converting, all bursting over the dam at once.:whackadoo: So he might settle down soon. I don’t know.
Staying at home with the kids isn’t a Catholic requirement, but doing right by them is, because it’s part of a loving, relationship-oriented way of life. But a Catholic father can be the one to stay home, or they can go to day care. If your husband is listening to some fringe group, he will need to know the difference. Counseling from a priest is a good idea. He needs to understand that there are rules, and there are good ideas, and there are ideas that are a matter of taste and circumstances. Staying at home for a mother isn’t a rule. The man as head of household means he takes everyone’s needs and desires into account and then takes responsibility for the consequences of his decisions, including how these decisions make you feel. It’s a responsibility, not a privilege, and using it as a privilege to get his way is abusing it already.

 

[royal_archer]

Looks like I got to deffend us men a bit…

(No that this applies in this case but it might)

My wife will occasionally go out of her way to do what she thinks is right to her own detriment. Occasionally I have to be forcefull to tell her to relax and let me. For instance moving furniture. Just because she can do it does not mean she should have to do it. The same thing goes for men with women working. No wife should have to work. No wife should feel compelled to be a bread winner, especially when young kids are involved. It is a man’s responsibility and obligation. Sometimes women wory and feel like the have to work or do other things. Sometimes women need the reasurance that they are truly free from any obligation. Men do this by ordering a woman not to help. If a husband orders a wife to sit down while he cooks dinner, women are not offended, why are women offended when a man wants to fullfill his obligation to provide a home for his wife?

 

[survive]

Looks like I got to deffend us men a bit…

(No that this applies in this case but it might)

My wife will occasionally go out of her way to do what she thinks is right to her own detriment. Occasionally I have to be forcefull to tell her to relax and let me. For instance moving furniture. Just because she can do it does not mean she should have to do it. The same thing goes for men with women working. No wife should have to work. No wife should feel compelled to be a bread winner, especially when young kids are involved. It is a man’s responsibility and obligation. Sometimes women wory and feel like the have to work or do other things. Sometimes women need the reasurance that they are truly free from any obligation. Men do this by ordering a woman not to help. If a husband orders a wife to sit down while he cooks dinner, women are not offended, why are women offended when a man wants to fullfill his obligation to provide a home for his wife?

True, but she might fear losing the extra income or training opportunities.

 

[wanner47]

You two need to decide what is best for you as a family. One spouse shouldn’t make drastic decisions like that by oneself.

FWIW, I would love to stay home with my kids. It’d be a heck of a lot easier (right now, I commute about 3 hours [round trip] every day, and if the kids are sick we have a big to-do about who is going to be the one to miss work to take care of them, who has enough sick time, etc.).

And my personal feelings about staying home vs. working change completely after I had children. Before kids, I thought that I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM. Now, it’s the thing I most desire to do (but it’s not possible financially yet).

 

[Shin]

A child should be with its mother for the first three years of its life, it is harmful for the child to be deprived at these early ages.

A child’s emotional development requires a mother more than a father in the earliest years, because mothers are more capable of emotional communication and empathy with the child.

It is in later years that a father’s discipline becomes most important, as an infant it is of less use because there’s not sufficient rational comprehension.

And frankly three years is not enough for the child to be with the mother at home. The home is the heart where the child should be desired, the family whole.

Day care and so forth should be considered only in the most limited fashion, or if there is no other choice due to some emergency.

Irregardless of the leadership issue – and the husband is the head of the household – if there is no grave reason not to have children, then you should welcome them and care for them at home. It’s only natural and moral.

Certainly you should be able to have hobbies and children at the same time, but one can’t sacrifice children or decide not to have children for the sake of hobbies – hobbies don’t rise to that level of importance. Neither does work save in emergencies.

In regards to the leadership issue – he’s a convert, but his enthusiasm sounds good – it is understandable that it takes time to adjust to a change, now that he finally is becoming capable of taking his place as spiritual head of the house. Of course he will make mistakes, and it will take time to adjust to the new partnership, and to figure out how it will work.

The devils may try to get in the way to prevent any new ways of doing things and adjustments. But we have our guardian angels too.

Don’t let your own conversion take a back step to your husband’s! Progress too! His leadership role is new, he’s going to stumble, but if you support him in it you may find someone you can follow anywhere and trust with anything. This is your time to find out how to be more supportive than ever and help him to take on new responsibilities.

May we be guided by the example of the Holy Family. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph pray for us here on earth.