My husband is giving up:(

[JMJ_Theresa]

lisa_nd:

Thank you to everyone who has replied thus far! It is very difficult to hear that I am to blame for much of what is going on. I knew the nagging was not good, and never enjoyed doing it, but I get so annoyed and frustrated sometimes that it is hard not to do! I am very grateful to hear these things, though, that my family would never tell me. I will try my hardest to bite my tongue and be more patient with him! …now what to do for fun when we are two full-time college students with a limited income and dissimilar interests .

Lisa, I think you know that it isn’t your fault that your husband is disengaging from the family and you. I think what people are trying to say is that you can’t change him. So, the best you can do is change yourself. He has broken your trust. A mature man would be trying to regain it by not running around with his friends. Obviously, he has some maturing to do. I hope you guys have considered counselling.

My husband is a hunting/archery/fishing type. I definitely could care less about all of the above. We like movies, so we rent movies. We put the kids to bed early and order some nicer takeout (we like Applebee’s sampler platter). I like to hike. For years, he put me off about that, but now that I’ve dragged him out, he likes to do that with us. I go with him to the outdoor travelling show (I do my best to act interested). We play gin rummy and scrabble sometimes. In the early years of our marriage, he basically left me in the house with the toddlers while he did his sports.

It has taken us 15 years to achieve the balance that we have; however, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable letting a husband run around without me if he had cheated on me. I’m so sorry for you.
Marriage is just hard sometimes. Be sure to develop friendships of your own. And, don’t share too much about your frustrations with your husband. I’ve made that mistake, too. When I need to vent or refocus, I have one friend who sympathizes but realligns my thinking to see things from his point of view. She is a good friend who has made me a better wife.

I’m breaking my personal short post rule. I guess your thread has dredged up some stuff from those early years. God Bless you. You sound like a really neat person who is trying hard to make a holy marriage.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Much good advice here. May I offer a male-oriented joke?

Q: How many “real women” does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They accept them as they are.

This may sound flippant, but I think the pushing to religion is trying to push him into an image you have that he doesn’t share yet. He may even hope for it himself, if for no other reason than to be the apple of your eye.

You saw what seemed to be progress in him on his spiritual journey. The problem is, spiritual journeys don’t come with a checklist to tell you what is supposed to happen next, and he could actually be very willing to embark on it, but is confused and even ashamed that he is so far from meeting your expectations.

It may be very difficult to recognize the difference between “encouraging” and “nagging.” You are clearly concerned about your situation and willing to work on yourself, so it almost seems unfair to hear that you might be to “blame.”

Overall, I think the “blame game” has a very limited use in diagnosing causes of problems. Above that you might want to consider something a math teacher said once, “I like it when things are my fault because that means I have the power to fix it.”

Good luck, and please don’t give up. It really doesn’t sound like you’re all that far apart at all. If you surrender then you can be a “louder” spiritual beacon than you ever could with words. My wife, a few weeks ago, was reading a book about bipolar illness and came to the conclusion that her best bet for happiness is to please ME as much as possible. I was surprised to hear it put like that, but I can tell you in the last few weeks I’ve never seen HER grow nearly as much. She has really exploded from second-guessing-herself, feelings of guilt and inadequacy, near despair and getting lots of headache and cramps, to beeing almost completely free in these areas and acting self-confident in social conflict situations. The funny thing? She doesn’t claim to feel any differently, except the negative symptoms are gone. Everyone who knows her thinks she just turned from a butterfly into a much happier butterfly.

She is now spreading the word among her friends about how to make husbands feel like kings, so that their instincts will kick in and they might start acting like one.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

lisa_nd:

Secondly, how do I live with someone who is “lazy” with religion -or- is there a way to get through to him and help him prioritize his life, with God and his family on top?

I’m glad you posed this question as an “or.” First, you must not judge him as “lazy” because that is the greatest insult for a head of family/provider. Second, yes, you must live with a person who SEEMS “lazy” to you in that area. This is nothing other than a very simple test of your own faith. Don’t give it up, and don’t try to “upstage” him in front of the children, and for God’s sake don’t get the children involved in the question of “is Dad religious enough.”

What do you think he puts first? Going out with friends? Few men I know (maybe two or three total – myself happily included) have ever been able to talk to a woman as honestly as they can another man. I don’t know why – perhaps because the thinknig is so much different or there is so much riding on it when it’s a spouse. (why ask why I suppose) They get out of the house so they can rest from making decisions and having to try to assimilate criticism or deal with confusing situations at home.

In a way, I don’t blame them because they are, by and large, good providers for their family or at least they are hard-working providers. When they are emotionally off-balance, though, it could end their ability to be a provider and subsequently cause myriad other problems. It’s like an oxygen mask on an airplane – he has to put his own on first before he can breathe confidently and help others. This sounds selfish, and it is in a way – it’s very self-directed. Just like you have to make peace with your own faith life regardless of his personal decisions (and if he is less faithful the onus is upon the more faithful to stay together unless he wishes to leave), he has to do what he can to keep whatever level of sanity he needs.

Now I am not giving you that argument so that he may abuse it. Men who are not only unhappy but kooped up at home are veritable time bombs. You don’t want your man unstable, and his escapes are his form of spiritual development. He goes to where he does not have unmet expectations and guilt riding over his head. He goes out with friends who expect nothing more of him than that he shows up.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Lisa,

I’m not trying to dominate the discussion, but I just checked on another thread with a breakthrough you might want to hear about.

In this case, a couple was brought together in religion after a terrible tragedy of the loss of their infant son. I found this part of the testimony fascinating in the light of your problems:

leaner:

If there is a silver lining to be found, as I drifted off to a vicodin-induced slumber the other night (vicodin has been a good friend to me this week) I heard the familiar clicking sound of rosary beads – I had to check my own hands, but no, they were in the hands of my DH next to me. I smiled and drifted off to sleep – if you had told me a week ago that sound would have graced my sleep, I would have laughed you out the door – dont’ get me wrong, my DH is an incredible man, a good catholic man, but his practice is limited at this point in life – I’ve prayed for his “getting into it a little more” and more involvement, other than church on sunday and being a good person…and then this horrible tragic loss of our infant son, and thru the gloom that sweet sound of beads clicking. The next morning I told him that if he ever wanted company I would be honored to pray together with him, as it’s something I’ve always looked forward to the opportunity. He smiled and said “I’m going to feel my way around this by myself for a little while, but I like that idea” – so some more patience, and some more prayer…perhaps someday we’ll start and end our days that way…time will tell.

Perhaps this will give you some courage to know the Holy Spirit is working with you, through thick and thin. Do not despair. It doesn’t have to take a tragedy, but maybe your husband will receive his own form of calling.

The thread is at forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=99622

Alan

 

[luvmykids]

MariaG:

I
And you briefly mentioned that he cheated on you? You said you were separated, like “on a break” separated when he “cheated on you” or separated physically because he was at basic training?

I ask for the distinction because if you had decided to take a break in your relationship, I do not think you should be calling this cheating unless you guys said you would not see others while you took a break in your relationship.

I’m confused about this. They were married when he cheated right? If they were, it doesn’t matter if they decided to take a break from the relationship or not, it is still cheating, he was still married. If they were dating, then I guess that’s different. Maybe I’m missing something.

 

[TridentineFan]

First, let me say that I have incredible sympathy for you. As someone who went from worldly agnosticism to Protestantism to traditional Catholicism, I know what you mean when you want to make all future decisions based on God first. My husband and I mention frequently how grateful we are that we did not meet each other soon because now we are both strongly attached to our religion and have the same goals.

Let me give you some ideas with my greatest sympathy in hopes that maybe something I’ve thought of might help.

Think from your husband’s perspective. Apparently you are having a reversion to your faith. That means he married you when you were more apathetic, like he still is. He is probably feeling tricked because you married him accepting the way he is and now you’re nagging him to change. How hurt would you feel if he married you, hypothetically, as a fairly inactive woman, carrying a few pounds, soft around the edges, but now he has decided that he wants you to be an athlete who works out daily and carries 15% body fat, and uses health as the primary decision-making factor for everything you eat and do?

Again, from your husband’s perspective: who does he know that is very religious? You. What are you like? Nagging and irritating and angry much of the time. So why on earth would he want to become more religious? You have to make it palatable to him, even attractive! If you want him to be religious, he has to see that your faith makes you very loving, joyful, contented, calm, and fun.

You can practice your faith, but only YOU can. While he watches MTV (which I would despise!), you can NOT nag him and instead quietly read a book on faith. Bring him some pretzels while he’s watching his awful show. You should not sin, but you cannot ultimately prevent him from doing so. He needs to be inspired to wonder how it is that you seem to be a fairly religious person, yet you’re so kind to him, so loving. That might make him want to explore. Keep a long view because this could take a long time. Think of St. Augustine’s mother. The woman who inspired me first to convert to Christianity never one single time criticized my disgusting, worldly behavior. I talked to her five days a week at work and all she did was live her faith openly and love me, no matter what I did in my hedonistic life. That went on for three and half years before I converted!

I think this moment is time to pull out all the stops to keep your husband from leaving. Only when you have built up some good will can you start to work on the relationship. Love your husband as if he were Christ. Do for him what you would do for Christ. Make his favorite meal–tonight. Dress in a lovely manner, do your makeup. Be sweet. When he comes back from being with us buddies (which would drive me crazy!), be sincerely kind, ask if he had a great time (don’t ask what he did), then say you’re glad he had a chance to relax because you know he works hard. Unless your husband is putting you or your child in grave danger, do not correct him right now! If he puts her diaper on wrong or feeds her awkwardly or dresses her in mismatched clothes, just stay quiet and thank him. Don’t grovel or beg because then your tactic will be too obvious; just treat him very well right now.

You want a Godly husband who will lead your family, but you are treating him like a naughty child, so he has absolutely no inspiration to meet your desires. Men by nature want to please their women, but they only seem to do it when doing so results in their feeling like a real man, kingly, adored because of how their women react. We can have a resentful, feminist-like reaction to that reality some other time, but right now, you have to find a way to buy time. If you buy time, you might be able to build up good will enough to actually work on the foundation of the relationship.

Your daughter’s life will be extremely damaged if her father divorces you, especially because she is a daughter, not a son. My prayers are with you. I cannot even imagine how much pain you must be feeling right now. You might have to emotionally “die” on the “cross” of this marriage in order to save it but I think you have to be willing to do that in order to have a chance.

 

[lisa_nd]

To clarify all the confusion–we were married when he cheated on me–he met her on a chat line (I now am very weary of the internet, though I am using it to talk to all of you, go figure

Also, I have tried talking to him using all of the advice and wisdom gained here (which is wonderful!! ) and he still says I am not the person he married and we cannot be happy together. No matter what I say, he says it’s over. He is still civil and we are nice to each other right now, but he just says there is no way for it to work. Of course, we all know it can work–and I reminded him, “So, you’re saying that if we try to make it work that God won’t give us the grace to be successful?” You know he doesn’t care about that…but he does realize that we can never remarry in the church unless we got an anullment. UGHHH!!!

It is possible that this is just it–and I am not obligated to keep coming back into the relationship if he ends it, right? (If he decides that, “Oh, I want you back now. Sorry.”)

 

[johntkd]

lisa_nd:

Hi everyone–I hope you can give me some sound advice here. !

I really feel compelled to respond to this one,

1st off as others have told you, you really need to lay off pushing the religion, I know this in itself sounds bad but it does need to happen this way, he will come around Just as I have, and a year ago I didnt even believe in God anymore, so it will happen if he is not pushed.

also keep in mind the more you push the farther away he will get.

you two need to sit down and TALK TALK TALK.then talk somemore.

tell him you are sorry for “nagging” then tell him why you were nagging, that it was to help him,then listen to his side of it.
tell him the marriage is worth saving, all marriages take work.
seek a pro if you have to but give it whatever you can, tell him nothing worth of value is worth quitting on. do not bring up the fact he is a Father now either, guilt trips never fix the problems only delay them and make them worse.

a good place to possibly start is tell him ok i know i do a lot of annoying things that bother you, and you do the same, lets make a list cut it inot pieces and put them in a jar, we can pull one or two out a week and work on them together, COMPROMISE and communications are key to saving your marriage for both of you.
on the lists dont be too critical,
find some time to go out on a date,picnic,something,

good luck.
and God Bless you
John

 

[lisa_nd]

I am giving a response to what John just wrote:

It’s kind of ironic…last night I did just about exactly what you suggested. He came home and I had the house clean and made us dessert and had notebooks and pens out. I went about it saying I was sorry for how I have been so “naggy” lately, etc, etc. I said that I really wanted us to work it out and that I would try very hard to do more fun things with him and that I would make him excited to come home to his family every day again. I never even got to the point of us writing down on the notebooks the things like “Reasons we should stay together/reasons to split up, Things we need to work on/things that are good, things that make you annoyed, etc.” I was going to have us do that exercise so that we could see where each other was at without getting into a yelling fight. We didn’t do the exercise because he decided he still didn’t want us to be together despite what I said, so what was the use? I am starting to worry that there may be something going on that I don’t know about. Otherwise, why would he be so stubborn? I know I wasn’t that bad.

 

[svoboda]

lisa_nd:

I am giving a response to what John just wrote:

It’s kind of ironic…last night I did just about exactly what you suggested. He came home and I had the house clean and made us dessert and had notebooks and pens out. I went about it saying I was sorry for how I have been so “naggy” lately, etc, etc. I said that I really wanted us to work it out and that I would try very hard to do more fun things with him and that I would make him excited to come home to his family every day again. I never even got to the point of us writing down on the notebooks the things like “Reasons we should stay together/reasons to split up, Things we need to work on/things that are good, things that make you annoyed, etc.” I was going to have us do that exercise so that we could see where each other was at without getting into a yelling fight. We didn’t do the exercise because he decided he still didn’t want us to be together despite what I said, so what was the use? I am starting to worry that there may be something going on that I don’t know about. Otherwise, why would he be so stubborn? I know I wasn’t that bad.

Saying you will change after such a long time of being that way is not going to undo the damage.

Don’t say things or bring notebooks (well, do, but first show him that you’re really willing to change, then maybe as you open up to each other you’ll learn about the things that need changing) CHANGE. Change and prove to him that you are worth being with. Don’t tell him you’re going to have fun, HAVE FUN. Plan things, be exciting, be kind, be loving.

It will take time to rebuild what was lost. Don’t expect results for at least a few months. You need to reconnect. You need to become someone he feels safe with, he feels accepted by, he enjoys being around.

Can you really expect everything to be just fine after one night? Persist and don’t give up. Be the best person you can be. Never nag, never criticize, always be accepting and loving and warm. NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN IF HE DOES NOT RECIPROCATE AND EVEN IF HE TREATS YOU POORLY.

No matter what. Even if he is going to start fighting with you, don’t fight back, be kind, be loving etc. (Don’t be walked on, obviously, but don’t fight.)

It will take a lot more than one night to rebuild your relationship. What you did was just a first step. Now you have to stick by it.

Chances are he doens’t believe you’ll change, you have to prove it to him.

And you are not the only one at fault here, you said he had an affair. But as everyone agrees you can only change yourself, and your best way to save your marriage is to be the best wife you can be and hope there will be results.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

lisa_nd:

I was going to have us do that exercise so that we could see where each other was at without getting into a yelling fight. We didn’t do the exercise because he decided he still didn’t want us to be together despite what I said, so what was the use? I am starting to worry that there may be something going on that I don’t know about. Otherwise, why would he be so stubborn? I know I wasn’t that bad.

It seems he’s looking for all this to be easy. He doesn’t want to make any effort. Most guys don’t like “relationship work” because it makes their widdlwe bwain have to work at doing things they think should not have to be dealt with. He should be king, you should be queen, and if that isn’t the case, then like a video game we keep hitting the reset button to see if we come out as different characters next time.

He may take comfort in the fact that you are not leaving him so he doesn’t have to make an effort to keep you in the house. If so, I see that as a good thing overall, as that might mean that he really does have a secret desire that your efforts will result in the problem being fixed. Trouble is, in that case he’s probably assessing his chances on a better life on the assumptions that a) it is you who needs to change, and b) he doesn’t believe you will change because he doesn’t realize what change is – he never experienced it nor does he believe you can change.

It is impossible to tell from information so far whether he is lying and wants it fixed at no effort or really wants out. Somehow I think if he really wanted out he’d be talking a bit more seriously about it. My hunch is that he’s partly bluffing, and partly clueless about what he wants in life.

A good friend of mine is very dedicated to his family, but the relationship has been growing cold as quit having sex because he began to think that “sex,” in the mind of his wife, was always a tool for procuring better behavior, and somehow he was asked to follow a higher set of standards for his own behavior (things that bugged her but were not a direct threat) having engaged in it. Basically, he came to the conclusion that, with the admission but not the image that I might have an exceptional situation, that ALL women have a manipulative component to sex and that it is built into them. Notice that her mother, now, is very manipulative and still gets involved in their lives, so even if she was that way “she got by it honestly.”

This friend grudgingly went to a marriage therapist, twice now. He did not complain or make her feel guilty, but he clearly saw no point because he was “happy” with living with no sex, even as he bitched about it. He has been for two weeks now and yesterday I visited and he actually seemed to be getting something out of the sessions. I am very skeptical of therapists, as I have encountered a couple pathetic ones, but in this case it worked well.

I’m not sure why I told you this story about my friend, but two weeks ago he was completely stubborn and had everybody except me fooled that he didn’t want things better because he was convinced “this is how it was going to be.” He still doesn’t see how this translates into a better marriage – as I don’t think he can envision that far (especially since he does have porn to look at – OK that was a cheap shot ) but he is talking better, and I saw him have a discussion with his wife about her having gone shopping and bought stuff including what wasn’t on the list, and I thought it went down very well and in two weeks, they have learned something.

So what did he learn? One thing he specifically mentioned, and discussed with me rather enthusiastically, was how the words we choose and the way we say them have so much to do with the actual message we’re putting across. Hello! THis is a very intelligent and charismatic man we’re talking about here so one wonders does such a man need to be told this – but honestly, “yes.” Men can be that clueless about this while being experts in many other things. Remember we are specialists; I don’t think our minds are normally trained to multitask on these “relationship” things as well as women, overall.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Hmmm. You don’t seem like one who puts presuppositions into your statements, but it’s hard to tell unless you post some video of you two interacting. I wonder if you might benefit from Suzanne Haden Elgin’s book, now out of print but can be found used, “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.” I don’t know about her other books, but one other sequel I read wasn’t as good as the first. It shows how to take apart a statement and separate it into the “bait” and the “payload” which is an unacceptable presupposition. Such statements and questions are designed to get a person to agree to take the “bait.” For example, “if you love me you would do this for me,” presupposes a “payload” issue about whether the speaker loves me which is more important than the “bait” about the current behavior under discussion. This is manipulative and if a person responds to the bait such as “but honey, we’ve already been over the reasons this might not be a good idea,” then by ignoring the payload one has bought into it – at least as a possibility – because one has left the claim that my love is determined by decisions such as the one at hand has not been refuted and stands in conviction.

Of course another book to read is probably not what you need right now, but I know this book helped me tremendously at seeing both when I was jerking others’ chains and when they were jerking mine.

Link to the used book at amazon is here. (As I said, I am not endorsing her other books although some might be good.)

Alan

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

I’d be a little suspicuous given his history. Whenever I hear a man is leaving because he is just not happy, later I hear about a girlfriend. I hope it is not true. Maybe you should be looking to protect yourself. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[anna1978]

JMJ Theresa:

I’d be a little suspicuous given his history. Whenever I hear a man is leaving because he is just not happy, later I hear about a girlfriend. I hope it is not true. Maybe you should be looking to protect yourself. I’ll be praying for you.

Absolutely…and I hope that’s not true either, but if you are ‘not the woman he married’, maybe he wants to find someone who IS! I’m not being horrible, but he really may be thinking ‘This wasn’t part of the deal!’…

Anna x

 

[AlanFromWichita]

anna1978:

Absolutely…and I hope that’s not true either, but if you are ‘not the woman he married’, maybe he wants to find someone who IS! I’m not being horrible, but he really may be thinking ‘This wasn’t part of the deal!’…

Anna x

My wife isn’t the woman I married, as she seemed, either.

When I married her, I thought she was pretty, intelligent, and very loving.

Now I realize she’s a saint. It turns out it WAS part of the deal. I think any loving Catholic couple who both want a great marriage can have one.

She always has been, but my eyes were not as open then as they are now to really grasp her wonder. It has taken a LOT of hard times TOGETHER before I could really see that.

When men or women say, “this isn’t the person I married,” I think it reflects back on themselves, for the two shall become one. That phrase attempts to place the blame either on the other spouse, or on God for having taken away the person we had. Seems some people want to freeze time and are unable to grow with age.

Alan

 

[anna1978]

Alan, I agree: dh and I have changed A LOT in these past 6 years, and it doesn’t ‘bother’ us…we’ve grown and changed together IN THE SAME DIRECTION ! This man sees his wife changing AWAY from him, or that’s how he sees it…and that may well be a problem for him!

Anna x

 

[Rebecca_New]

Please do not take this as a criticism. But in poker when you are looking at the cards you fold if you don’t think you can do anything with the hand. Could this be what your “male bonding” husband is doing, degrading his vows to the level of a game? It seems very disheartening that anyone could do this to their spouse. If you start playing cards with him you will be lowering yourself to his level. Start planning for your future without him and do not play games, your well being is very important, and his carelessness has caused you great pain. God is the only one who can put the trust back into your relationship. You have to turn to God, that’s all there is to it. Jesus, I trust in you; Jesus, I trust in you; Jesus, I trust in you.

 

[nana3]

Hi Lisa,
Lots of advice, some I agree with, some I don’t. I can sympathize with you in some areas and understand some of your behavior. I don’t think, like others here, that nagging will help your husband see the light. I also correct my husband when he is not acting like a christian. We don’t exactly have a happy marriage and my is totally different from yours, but I can understand correcting your husband when he cusses or watches stuff on TV that will not feed his soul, but make it worse. As someone said here, garbage is garbage. I do desire so much for a holy marriage. I had a priest tell me though that when your husband does something that is wrong in the eyes of God and against his Commandments, it is our duty as the wife or spouse, to let him know in a nice way. The first few years of my marriage, I corrected my husband so much. He thanks me today. He has become more aware of how he use to be with people and that it was not at all good christian behavior. I have learned to back off a little and as you said, bite my tongue, to avoid excessive correction that he called criticism. I prayed over the difference in those words and had much advice in confession. It is not criticism if you are correcting a behavior that is wrong. My husband has a terrible view of women, due to his mother’s abuse in childhood, and as a result when he drives makes horrible comments against women drivers. My daughter is now 6 years old. I corrected this when she was a baby but not too much. Now that she can understand, I remind my husband that he has little ears listening as he disrespects women. He usually stops and tells our daughter he is sorry and didn’t mean it. My husband use to say that he felt intimidated by my faith and spirituality. He would make fun of me and say that I thought I was better than him. I did not have to push religion for he new the CAtholic church inside out. His problem was not living up to what the Bible tells us to do and be. He admits now that I was a better Christian and that he thanks God that I told him when he needed to improve. He did the same for me. He would correct me when I was not living up to a good christian example. After all marriage is helping your spouse to holiness and helping them to get to heaven. True that Jesus is our only Savior, but we need to be accountable to each other and help each other towards holiness as individuals and as a married couple. I still desire this in my marriage, but I do thank God for my husband and that his difficult personality has helped me see that it is easy to be holy with easy going people, but so very hard to be holy with a difficult person. I have also desired to be holy and my husband is helping me to do so. He makes jokes when he is calm and sincere that I will be a saint for all that I put up with. I will agree with everyone else that by your actions and loving him will speak louder than words. I do think something else is going on for your husband does not seem to want to make things work. My sister was treated just as you are now and her ex would say the exact words your husband has said and it turned out to be another woman. They are divorced now. I hope and pray that it is not so in your case. It is so sad to hear so many marriages ending up in divorce. I would not blame yourself totally for all your problems either. He also has some faults. I admire your perseverence in staying in school during a difficult time. I looked at your profile and saw that you are a nursing student. I am an RN, but let my license go due to health problems, and know that nursing is not exactly easy and to study with all your problems and take care of your little one, takes courage. God Bless you and I will pray for you and your marriage. Don’t ever give up hope with your husband. YOu be the best wife you can be and he will hopefully with God’s help see the gifts God has given him in you and your baby. I know it hurts and you cry and need help. Turn to Jesus in the Eucharist. Spend time with him in adoration. He will help you in carrying this cross. He has never let me down. I would also turn to our Lady for some help. She will help you and teach you on how to be a good and holy wife and mother. Pray the Rosary even if it is in your car to and from school. Don’t give up for Jesus loves you.

 

[skmhubbard]

Dear Lisa,

After reading all of the comments, I feel I must post, though I state up front that I am a new Catholic, and am learning all the ways my Protestant theology, though quite fervent, was not correct.

My gut tells me that your husband is not being honest with you. Yes, nagging is annoying, yes, you may not be fun to be around, but it sounds to me like (as my counselor put it) he’s put his flag in another camp. If his loyalties are somewhere, or with someone, else, no amount of dinner-making, romance-creating, accomodating behavior will bring him back. That is up to him, and to God.

I agree that it is crucial for you to treat him with respect and kindness. But when trust in marraige has been broken, it is complete truth and honesty that is neccessary to repair it. If your husband is watching morally offensive programs on T.V, I don’t think you can really tell him to turn it off, but I certainly don’t think you need to be bringing him pretzels either! This business of taking on behaviors so that you will be more “fun” to be with, seems to me to be a particularly dangerous form of deception, which is degrading to both you and to him.

I think you have to be completely honest with him about everything. But, and this is a big BUT, we are always to speak the truth in LOVE. And often, the most loving thing is to refrain from speaking until you know that you can truly speak in love. Also, once you have spoken, it may not be necessary to repeat what you have said.

From my experience, the only way to achieve this (not that I have)is through prayer, and by immersing yourself in everything holy. Pray a lot, examine your conscience, go to confession, go to mass as often as possible. Find someone wise who can counsel you. Be as transparent with your husband as you can possibly be, without resentment or rancor. You are most desirable, and most “fun” to be with, when you are the most truly who you were created to be, not when you affect an interest in his hobbies, or pretend that you don’t mind MTV. Yes, show an interest in him. Truly loving him means wanting to know him, and to know his thoughts and interests. It does not mean walking on the slippery path of sin with him, or giving him snacks to take along down that path.

Whatever you do, don’t pretend. If you expect honesty and integrity from him, you must respect his ability to handle it in you.

Please know that miracles do happen. I have been through some dark times in my marraige, but we have managed to stay together, and we came into the Catholic Church as a family a year ago. I would never have believed that God’s mercy could be so great as to bring us where we are now. I am living proof of the goodness and mercy of God.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Dear Lisa,

After reading all of the comments, I feel I must post, though I state up front that I am a new Catholic, and am learning all the ways my Protestant theology, though quite fervent, was not correct.

Since you are new to the faith and the forums, let me first say welcome HOME and welcome to CAF!

You will hear this from other, do not resurrect old threads as you can see this was from February of 2006. A quick look at the original poster’s profile will show in her Biography that she is divorced.

She has not been on CAF since Nov '07.

Just a heads up

:tiphat:

No go and enjoy CAF!!