My husband is going ballistic - help!

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CrisDee

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To say that my husband is opposed to my conversion to Catholicism is the understatement of the year. This normally mellow, laid-back guy has totally schitzed over “the Catholic thing”, my discovery of the truth of the Catholic church that began just a few months ago. Yesterday he came very close to leaving me over it. We had a huge row in the morning before he left for work, and another that lasted till almost midnight after he came home. He says it’s only a matter of time until I’m going to leave him because I can’t take Eucharist (he’s adamant in his refusal to have his first marriage annulled), and says he can’t live with that kind of pressure. He was spewing out virulently horrible things about the Catholic church, calling it everything from Judaizers to Baal worship and satanic, and just downright BS (sorry, his words), and telling me that I’m in satan’s grip, deceived, joining a cult, and he feels powerless to do anything about it. This is just a small sampling of the awful things he said - and what’s so upsetting is that this is SO out of character for him, he’s usually so kind and gentle.

Has anyone else experienced such a violent negative reaction from a spouse in their journey to Rome? I didn’t post this in the apologetics forum because he doesn’t want to hear ANY truth concerning the Church - he has his set-in-stone opinion formed by a liberal protestant educational background, and NOTHING will change his mind. (Again, this is SO not him!) I simply need some support, encouragement and advice from anyone who might have been in this situation.

Also, is there a better forum for me to post this in? I’m very new at this and can use all the technical help I can get as well.

Thanks for listening.
 
CrisDee,

I am so sorry for you that you are experiencing this! I will pray for you, and I’m sure others on this list will as well.

I have not experienced what you are going through (cradle Catholic re-vert married to another cradle-Catholic re-vert), so I can’t offer you much. I would suggest re-posting this on the Apologetics forum. That way, you can have help addressing the individual problems your husband has. That is probably the best way of approaching his prejudices: bit by bit, objection by objection.

In the meantime, be the best wife you can be—that will show him that becoming Catholic is making you a better wife, because it’s making you a better child of God. And it should!!

You have my prayers…God Bless.
 
My sister is going through something similar. Her husband isn’t as opposed as yours but they are having some issues. He refused an annulment 10 years ago when they wed. She was an uninformed cradle Catholic who just let it go and left the church over it. Now she is informed and she is back (praise be to God). It is killing her to not partake in the sacraments. The more she talked about the joy of Catholicism, the more angry and defensive he became. She is trying very hard to not constantly talk about the church. She is doing her homework so when he does ask the occasional question, she is preparred. It has made her a much better Catholic. The best advice I can give you, since it sounds like your husband has completely closed his heart to hearing anything about the faith is lead by example and pray for him, a lot. Start saying rosaries for him, ask St Monica to intercede for you. She has walked in your shoes.
One point my sister made to her husband that I thought was powerful is that if God came between them, they didn’t say much for their marriage. God would never do that to a union that he has blessed.
Good luck
 
Good Morning

Catholicforlife gave excellent advise. Have you discussed your situation with a Priest? I certainly would.
I do not, for a minute think God would ask you to destroy your marriage. I do not think He would want you and your husband fighting over Him.
A husbands rightful place is as Spiritual Head of the family. I have been taught this all of my Catholic life. You married him knowing he was Protestant, and from what I gather, so were you. You were as ignorant about the Catholic faith as he is. I can relate, because I am also a convert coming out of very anti-Catholic Protestant background. My parents acted just like your husband many years ago. They told me they would rather see me dead than Catholic. That really upset me because I know they meant it.
It was only by grace I found the Truth and it is only by grace you have. You must pray that God also gives that Grace to your husband. When I first was converted, I wanted to share this Truth to the world. Especially those I loved. I crashed and burned trying. I finally quit and just prayed. I prayed daily for my families conversion and never said another word to them about it. Guess what, all but a few members of my family are now Catholic. One by one God touched them with the Truth. Not in my time but in His.
Please read I Corinthinans Ch 13 on love. Then put it into practice every time you talk to your husband. I am not trying to be critical of you, I hope you don’t think that. It is just so important that your marriage is not damaged. Families are very fragile and at the same time very important where Church is concerned.
I think with Prayer and being a wonderful example of a Christian wife, your husband will come around.
 
CrisDee,
What faith does your husband “claim” to be? Why are Catholics such a threat?
 
I would speak to your priest. Keep a low profile. Don’t do “Catholic” things in front of him. Let him discover that being Catholic is not evil and will make you a better person. Don’t bring the subject up and prepare a brief non-confrontational answer to questions he raises. If he just throws out barbs then ignore them and change the subject. Eventually, if possible, try to discover why he has such a hatred for Catholicism. I am a convert. It took my family a long time to get used to it. But they did. So don’t lose hope.
 
that kind of hatred seems personal. what person connected with the Church hurt him or his family? it may take a long time, lots of prayer, maybe therapy to get an answer, but it sounds like fear and pain are behind his attitude. meanwhile, be a loving wife, show him by your words and actions how a Catholic behaves in the domestic church. don’t do things that antagonize him, and offer up your time of waiting for the Eucharist for his healing and conversion.
 
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asquared:
that kind of hatred seems personal. what person connected with the Church hurt him or his family?
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One would think this was an isolated instance of anti-Catholic intensity, but I suspect it’s very common. I married a protestant woman who converted to Catholicism a year after we were married. Her grandmother would not even acknowledge my existence when I was in the room.

When I was younger, I sincerely believed that protestants were just coming from a different place, but still believed much the same things as we do; I always considered them brothers and sisters in Christ.

But as I matured, I noticed the fundamental contempt they have for us. I have heard protestants say things about us I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy.

It breaks my heart what Martin Luther did to the Church. When you look at the fruits of what he did, they aren’t very appealing, are they?

CrisDee, you are on the right path. That is the one thing you can be sure of. Stay the course you are on. Stay close to the mass and read the psalms, that’s my suggestion to you. Maybe you’ll relate to some of what is being felt and expressed there.
 
First CrisDee I did want to say I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

I do have to ask the others, but I thought given that CrisDee is a candidate (or catechumen) and not already Catholic that the state of living in a second marriage (unless it is chaste brother/sister living arrangement) that it isn’t just not partaking of the Eucharist but that the person couldn’t formally enter the Church in this state. Only if they agreed to live chaste or live seperately. Because it isn’t just a bar to the Eucharist it would be a bar to the sacraments in general including confession and confirmation.

I’m sure that CrisDee’s priest would know and understand the situation the best, but if no sacraments would be available there couldn’t be a confirmation and entrance. Still each case is individual, but if this is the case best CrisDee knows this now instead of finding out during RCIA or near time to enter the Church. If I’m wrong, someone please correct me.

Anyhow, see you priest, pray and God bless…

Marcia
 
It is certainly correct, don’t know how I missed it, that the marriage situation needs to be looked at. Annulment is a complex issue. It can be very easily resolved sometimes or very difficult. In order to join the Church if you are married the marriage must be valid or convalidated. She should visit with her priest to see what can be done. However, if an annulment is required then the husband will have to participate. It doesn’t sound like that is likely in the short term. If for example his first marriage was invalid or not sacramental then something like radical sanation might be possible. He might not even have to participate. But that would be a rare case. For now she might have to attend Mass and wait to fully join the Church. God will bless her and understands her situation. Let’s pray her husband is willing to be more open minded.
 
CrisDee, I will add my name to those who are praying for you. I have been where you are, and in some ways still am where you are. My husband is a protestant, a non-practicing nominal Baptist. When I converted 5 years ago, he was adamantly against it. I have found a formula which works for us in maintaining peace. I don’t actively ‘evangelize’ him, or overtly promote Catholicism to him in any way. However, I try to live faithfully as a Catholic.

We don’t discuss it, but he knows that I leave early every morning to attend 6:30 am Mass. He knows I go to Mass on Saturday morning before I start my weekend errands and chores. He knows that I go to my chair morning and evening to spend time in prayer. He knows that I like to sit on the back patio and pray the rosary when the weather is nice. But we do not talk about these things. And I pray for him daily, often invoking St. Monica’s help.

About 3-4 times a year, I will invite him to a Sunday or special Mass (Christmas, Easter, etc.). Sometimes he attends. Often he will leave before the liturgy of the Eucharist, and wait in the car.

In the last five years, he has mellowed tremendously. In our case, I found it more effective to stay “out of his face”, and to work on my own prayer life and faithfullness in a way that did not deprive or harrass him. I try to work on myself, and be a humble and faithful wife to him, but also be faithful to my Lord.

Yes, please talk to a priest. I did not have any marriage validity issues to overcome, and you need a priest’s help with the annullment question. One more thing that has kept me going in the worst times is to remember our Lord’s statement that He did not come to bring peace, but to bring a sword., and that a man’s enemies would be people of His own household. I believe He wants us to be faithful in marriage, but He never promised us that following Him would be easy!
 
I am so touched at the out pouring of prayers and support I’ve received. I can’t thank everyone enough for prayers - that’s the only thing that will help this situation. I realize that the only One who is going to draw Paul is the Holy Spirit, and He is so much more effective than I could ever be. Paul is a committed Christian, but has evidently had a much more anti-Catholic education than I ever knew - I guess it just didn’t come up in conversation before I decided to try to convert. So for the moment I am just going to leave this in God’s capable hands, and just continue to seek His face and His will. Thank you again for your support and encouragement.
 
Crisdee

Sorry to hear what your going through, but God will ultimately use to His glory - accept it as best you can. You’ve gotten lots of great advice above. I would simply like to give you two recommended books to read:

David Currie: Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic
Scott and Kimberly Hahn: Rome Sweet Home

They are both excellent and written by Protestant converts to Catholicism. They all write with love, compassion and charity - no anger or Protestant bashing at all…Scott and Kimberly’s book is written from the perspective of a married Protestant couple who convert out of synch - this may be better for you! Ill warn you in advance that you will cry a lot reading it - I did.
Currie’s book is written as a future explanation to his children as to why he converted (as a seminarian) from Evangelicalism to Catholicism - all love and no hate.

One final thought: some one else recommended a Mass for you to attend with your spouse - I would hinghly recommend the Easter Vigil. It is so awesome and reverent. there won’t be any “lukewarm” worship - just the very best that Catholic Mass has to offer.

I too will pray for you-
 
Hello,

I have a short story about this for you. I am a convert to the Church, My husband was raised Catholic, but is now not attenting. aobut 8 years ago I started looking into the Church. I went to Mass with a friend and her family. the children and I went every sunday for two years before we went to RCIA classes. To say the least my husband was ballistic as well. I talk to the prist about it and he have me some wounderful advise. I came home and spoke with my husband and I’m happy to say that I am a Catholic now, but I was willing to go to Mass every Sunday and not recieve Jesus in the most Holy Eucharist.
I wish I could say my husband comes with me but he does not. But he now does suppourt my effert to help our children to know their Faith. I also believed that the Husband is the Spiritual Head of the family, however they have to have a believe.
I hope this helps you somewhat. Again I suggest that you go talk to your Priest. With my conversion, it was helpful as my husband knows the Catholic faith. But my husband thought the same thing that I would leave him, or force him to come to mass with us even when he did not want to.
I hope this helps you somewhat.

In the peace of Christ.
KatMarie
 
Hello CrisDee,

My situation isn’t exactly the same but I’ve gone through something similiar with my wife during the last few years. Before I reverted back to the Catholic church 4 years ago, we were both marginal catholics and I had become a virtual agnostic. By the grace of God, I found my way back to the Church. At first my wife was cautiously supportive but within a few months (the trigger was the priest scandal), she became openly hostile to the Church and my deepening faith. She threatened to leave me a couple times over my loyalty to the church but also because of my changed positions on abortion, gay marriage and embryonic stem cell research (we were both staunch liberals on issues of morality before my reversion). She currently tolerates my faith and has not interferred in my effort to raise our daughter in the faith but I can emphathize with your suffering in this matter. In terms of him refusing an annulment, my wife was previously married and at the time of our marriage (17 yrs ago) it wasn’t an issue for me whether she received an annulment or not. However, after my reversion, I pressed her to get an annulment but she adamantly refused so I went to a couple of priests and asked what I should do in terms of receiving the Eucharist. They both said that under my circumstances (in which I desired to get the annulment even though she didn’t) that I could receive the Eucharist due to a concept called “Internal Forum”. My advice is to keep praying for his conversion and to seek a spiritual advisor and investigate “internal forum” and your own ability to receive the Eucharist. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers.
 
What is “Internal forum”? I’ve never heard of that before.
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Riley259:
Hello CrisDee,

My situation isn’t exactly the same but I’ve gone through something similiar with my wife during the last few years. Before I reverted back to the Catholic church 4 years ago, we were both marginal catholics and I had become a virtual agnostic. By the grace of God, I found my way back to the Church. At first my wife was cautiously supportive but within a few months (the trigger was the priest scandal), she became openly hostile to the Church and my deepening faith. She threatened to leave me a couple times over my loyalty to the church but also because of my changed positions on abortion, gay marriage and embryonic stem cell research (we were both staunch liberals on issues of morality before my reversion). She currently tolerates my faith and has not interferred in my effort to raise our daughter in the faith but I can emphathize with your suffering in this matter. In terms of him refusing an annulment, my wife was previously married and at the time of our marriage (17 yrs ago) it wasn’t an issue for me whether she received an annulment or not. However, after my reversion, I pressed her to get an annulment but she adamantly refused so I went to a couple of priests and asked what I should do in terms of receiving the Eucharist. They both said that under my circumstances (in which I desired to get the annulment even though she didn’t) that I could receive the Eucharist due to a concept called “Internal Forum”. My advice is to keep praying for his conversion and to seek a spiritual advisor and investigate “internal forum” and your own ability to receive the Eucharist. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers.
Click to expand...
 
Here’s an excerpt from a source:

There is an option to the annulment process, which is part of Canon Law, called the Internal Forum process. The Internal Forum solution (sometimes called “the good-conscience solution”) is one of the better-kept secrets in the Catholic Church. With the proper instruction a divorced Catholic may return to the sacraments without going through any Church tribunals. One must meet with a canon lawyer or with a priest knowledgeable about Internal Forum.

Very simply, “Internal Forum” indicates that one must have a clear conscience about the divorce and that moving on with one’s life, in good conscience, is the best decision for one’s life.
 
I am sorry to hear of your struggle and will remember to keep your relationship in my prayers. I have a laid-back friend–known him since elementary school–who also seemed to undergo a personality change when I mentioned that my family now attended a Catholic Church. He is now attending the denomination in which I was raised: Nazarene, but his attitude towards the Church could best be described as vitriolic and hateful. Never seen him this worked-up by anything before. It’s almost like he’s a different person when speaking of the Catholic Church. I think my friend may see it uncosciously as a form of betrayal as he and I both had a pretty rotten time in Catholic schools. Of course, St. Augustine also had a horrible time in school, but he went on to get over it. I think the Catholic Church must just be a trigger for some Protestants. Perhaps it means somewhere deep inside that they recognize that they’re wrong about the Church and feel threatened. Who knows? We’ll keep you in our prayers!
 
CrisDee,

I am so sorry to hear about this type of reaction that you have gotten. This has got to be a nightmare!

I will pray for you and this situation. I can somewhat relate to you because I have within the last year found the Truth of the Catholic Church, but my wife has been a Baptist all her life and I have been for about 10 years. My heart is in the Catholic Church right now but I have yet to make that final move of completely converting.

I may be in the same situation when I do make that big move. We are regulars in a Protestant church right now, and I fear doing anything too quick and causing division between her and I. She is Baptist through and through, and I used to be. So who knows what will happen.

I totally recommend that you get council from a preist. I truly wish I could come up with a brilliant answer for this but I don’t have any good answers.

But there will need to be a balance for you between handling this slow enough so that your marriage is not ultimately damaged and going through with this at a pace that you do not lose heart and give up on the Mother Church. That is what I am dealing with myself. I don’t want to lose that zeal for becoming Catholic but I don’t want to cause division between my family because I rushed into the Church.
 
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