My husband is spiritually draining me

  • Thread starter Thread starter JoanneSmith
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Ugh! I’m so frustrated. I just found out he took out a $2000 loan without telling me.
 
aicirt said:
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Conversion isn’t going to automatically make him the husband you want. I think you need to discuss this with a psychologist or psychiatrist first.

Apparently, he is most successful in his position. He functions there without any complaints from the men. Home is a different story. My feeling is his work is totally isolating for months at a time. There’s 30 days of nothing but work and no chance of doing anything “normal”. I’m sure there’s movies, TV, and exercise but this stuff can get old too.

Also you are in charge of the house for 30 days and then he comes home and establishes his territory. This can cause conflict. You’re in charge and then you must abdicate. You also must now take care of another person whom you’re not too keen on. He doesn’t relieve you. He adds to your stress.
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I agree. The power shift does cause conflict, and he functions well at work but at home he and I both struggle to find our role and work together. At work he has to manage the project budget and make grocery orders, answer tons of questions, advise people on personal matters, organize and execute the construction and repair projects, and the men out there get bored so they are always trying to make small talk too. When he gets home he is tired of that so he ignores the finances, doesn’t engage in conversation or try to make friends, and doesn’t really step into a leadership role or follower role.
GRATEFULONEjim said:
Being a guy, I can give you an idea of what “might work” in this situation. Go online and find some good audio homilies that talk about love of neighbor and what God calls each of us to do as Christians. Start playing them out loud on the computer while you are doing things around the house. Do it often. He may only get a snip here or there when he is coming in to use the bathroom or to grab a snack or a glass of water, but he will hear some of it. You never know what is going to catch his ear. Then, after a month or so, invite your priest over for dinner. Don’t force the issue with your husband, just let him absorb things at his own pace. He will hear the message of the homilies and he will begin to think about them. Sit down and turn on EWTN once in awhile too. I don’t think he’s a lost cause. Look at it as a work in progress. Prayin’ for you!
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Thank you! this is great advice, I will try it.
StarFireKK said:
Ok, before we pull out all the exotic words and accuse this poor man of being a sociopath…is it possible he is depressed? Large behavior changes and not caring about things you use to care about are classic signs of depression.

I’d try to get him to a doctor for a check-up and start from there.
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I think that depression sounds more likely. He has had a few stressful years, a 40 year old man died right in front of him last year, a few months later there was a huge explosion and fire on a site less than a mile from his, so he was part of the rescue effort, we have had 3 children in the last 4 years and a couple months ago our oldest developed a chronic illness and we had too spend a few days with her in the hospital.
 
aicirt said:
JoanneSmith;9445112:
That was very kind of him. His this his bro’s daughter? A good sign that she felt comfortable enough with him to ask him for help.
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She didn’t ask him, and his brother didn’t either. My husband hasn’t seen her or spoken to her in about 4 years. He talks to his brother a couple times a year, but we haven’t seen him in 2 or 3 years either. He just did it, and I suppose it’s because nobody else was going to do it(because of the lack of financial resources). I just wonder why he is sneaky about it, he didn’t tell even mention it to me, I only found out about it because I intercepted the mail. He took out a loan against our retirement when there was no reason to take out a loan because we have the cash available.
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JoanneSmith said:
aicirt;9445449:
She didn’t ask him, and his brother didn’t either. My husband hasn’t seen her or spoken to her in about 4 years. He talks to his brother a couple times a year, but we haven’t seen him in 2 or 3 years either. He just did it, and I suppose it’s because nobody else was going to do it(because of the lack of financial resources). I just wonder why he is sneaky about it, he didn’t tell even mention it to me, I only found out about it because I intercepted the mail. He took out a loan against our retirement when there was no reason to take out a loan because we have the cash available.
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Was he close to her when she was younger? Yes, I’d be wondering too. Are there any other loans or gifts that you don’t know about?

Have you been to any kind of counseling?
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aicirt said:
JoanneSmith;9445577:
Was he close to her when she was younger? Yes, I’d be wondering too. Are there any other loans or gifts that you don’t know about?

Have you been to any kind of counseling?
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He used to spend time with them pretty regularly until they moved out of state eight years ago. I had asked him if we were going to send her anything to help with the new baby a couple months ago, he said he hadn’t even thought about it, and I told him to let me know. When he sent her the money my name wasn’t even on the card.

He was born when his mother was sixteen also, and he grew up on welfare. Every single mother is his mom to him, and every child with an absentee father is him. I know he regularly sends his niece and nephew gifts for Christmas and their birthdays even though he doesn’t ever tell me about it. He feels bad for them since their parents split up and they are having behavior problems and are on welfare. He might keep an emotional distance because he wants them to stay away from me and our kids.

I just found out he got a credit card to pay for hotels and meals while he is traveling to and from the job site. Those expenses are reimbursed by his company, but it would have been nice to know he had one and the bills would be coming. Sometimes I find out he got a speeding ticket because he doesn’t pay them and then I get a letter in the mail.

He generally gives expensive gifts to people whenever he feels like it. He always picks up the tab for dinner with other people, it has something to do with establishing authority. He gives the fishing guys some of his expensive equipment pretty regularly, and then just goes to the store and replaces it all. Sometimes he spends all are money so when we have no money for Christmas because he spent it all, he takes out a loan and spends a lot of money on Christmas.

He won’t speak to a counselor. Maybe I should on my own.
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JoanneSmith said:
aicirt;9445739:
He used to spend time with them pretty regularly until they moved out of state eight years ago. I had asked him if we were going to send her anything to help with the new baby a couple months ago, he said he hadn’t even thought about it, and I told him to let me know. When he sent her the money my name wasn’t even on the card.

He was born when his mother was sixteen also, and he grew up on welfare. Every single mother is his mom to him, and every child with an absentee father is him. I know he regularly sends his niece and nephew gifts for Christmas and their birthdays even though he doesn’t ever tell me about it. He feels bad for them since their parents split up and they are having behavior problems and are on welfare. He might keep an emotional distance because he wants them to stay away from me and our kids.

I just found out he got a credit card to pay for hotels and meals while he is traveling to and from the job site. Those expenses are reimbursed by his company, but it would have been nice to know he had one and the bills would be coming. Sometimes I find out he got a speeding ticket because he doesn’t pay them and then I get a letter in the mail.

He generally gives expensive gifts to people whenever he feels like it. He always picks up the tab for dinner with other people, it has something to do with establishing authority. He gives the fishing guys some of his expensive equipment pretty regularly, and then just goes to the store and replaces it all. Sometimes he spends all are money so when we have no money for Christmas because he spent it all, he takes out a loan and spends a lot of money on Christmas.

He won’t speak to a counselor. Maybe I should on my own.
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Yes, you should see a counselor. You should also be taking money out of the money he gives you to run the house and put it aside for yourself and Christmas. I assume you too have credit cards. What is stopping you from buying something and sticking it away for the holidays, birthdays etc? Off season sales offer great bargains. At least you are not chewing your nails come Nov. wondering how you’re going to celebrate the holidays. Buy stuff on sale and he wouldn’t need to get a loan. (Really? A LOAN for Christmas stuff? How much stuff do you need…seriously?)
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