My husband left me today......

[LilyRose_8891]

When I was little (and even now to some extent), I had a turbulent relationship with my father. Once a year he would go away for a week to visit his parents and my mom and I stayed home. I didn’t miss him. I looked forward to those weeks when he was away. I felt like I was on vacation too, even though I stayed home. I felt sad when his trips were over and he returned home. I loved my father then and do now. I would have felt sad if something bad happened to him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. It just felt good to be away from him for a while.

So, yes, I can relate to what you’re saying.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

Being numb is no way to go through life. I think that you finally have had a break through and realize that you aren’t healthy. As others have suggested, it is time to get help from a Psychologist. Try your best to find a good one. Your family doctor might be a good place to start for a referral. Peace, g.

WHAT?!?!?!? :bighanky:

Sorry, I have to say something. This is no way to speak to a friend in a Christian forum. HoneyBea came here for support and this response is harsh and degrading. You may not realize it sounds that way but it does. Please, please be gentle in your responses. We don’t control our feelings and we should listen supportively when our sisters and brothers in Christ want to share.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

For everyone that keeps suggesting priests and counselors I appreciate the suggestions because obviously I’m asking for them, but for context, those have all been exhausted. I don’t see how continuing to see a priest and therapist is going to change my husband. In fact they all ended the sessions, because there was nothing beneficial anymore after a certain point. This is ongoing for 8 years I’ve had plenty of time to work through the mess and myself. I’m just riding it out for now praying for a miracle.

I get somewhat tired of overwhelming number of suggestions to get professional counseling on this site. I understand that some posts present issues that are beyond what the members of this forum can answer, but many people, like HoneyBea, have already exhausted professional counselors and therapists and come here looking for extra insight. Good counselors are hard to find anyhow. Many people in the forums post that their experience with counselors hasn’t been all that great. Just saying…

 

[MJJean]

I really liked your perspective. I gathered strength from it thank you : )

Even if I am not happy in my marriage I have happiness doing Gods will. Does that make sense? I don’t know now to explain it really. I’m miserable in my marriage, but I keep on keeping on and find peace and joy in Gods will. I admit I am confused at times as to what that is when I let my emotions get the best of me, but I truly believe thus far, that this marriage is God will no matter how much I feel it was a mistake to begin with. I know that sounds crazy but I can’t explain it. I just know.

Happiness in doing Gods will is wonderful, but we’re human and we need other types of happiness, too. Sometimes I think I am happier with and closer to God when I am happy in other areas of my life. If things are going decent I get to send happy and thankful prayers as opposed to what basically amounts to crying on Gods shoulder and asking for help.

I know you said you’ve been to counseling, but have any of the therapists thought to mention that the marriage might be ok and that you may be unhappy for other reasons? Are there things you regret not doing? Things you wish you could do, but cannot because you have your family to care for? Do you feel like you’ve failed somehow to live up to your own potential? Sometimes we can be unhappy with ourselves and our lives and then blame the marriage.

My DH and I were having a rough patch. I was all woe is me and maybe we should think about a divorce. This went on here and there for months. Then, bless him, DH mentioned that I probably wasn’t unhappy with him or with the marriage. He said I was probably unhappy with me, that I needed to get a life, to do more. When I pointed out the problems in the marriage and with our relationship he pointed out that no relationship is perfect, we are what and who we are, and that comparing our real marriage to my fantasy marriage was going to keep making me miserable because no reality is as good as an ideal in our heads.

Real turning point. I was first so mad I wanted to kick him in the shins. How dare he…! Then I realized he was right. I did need to do more with myself and I did need to accept and get over imperfections. Sure, the man can annoy me like no other. Sure, he says and does things that exasperate me. Sure, I really, really, wish he’d do more around the house or help more with the kids and dogs. But I do love him, he is who he is, he’s a good man, and he doesn’t have to be perfect for me to be happy with him.

Do you think you could just accept and then let go of the things your DH does that tick you off and let go of the things you wish he would do so that you can appreciate him for who he is?

I do the same thing, When he’s gone I feel like myself- like my old self. Strong and independent. I know that’s not his fault but it’s a side effect. This sounds terrible but I almost pretend I am single again except this time I don’t have to worry about who’s paying the bills. No, I’m not implying I act immoral but I just feel a sense of freedom that I enjoy and then feel guilty for being happy. I do miss him though I mean I know I will eventually miss him, but as soon as he gets back I’m getting upset because he comes back all bossy and my attitude is “hey I’ve done fine without you. Don’t come home and start demanding things and asking me questions” it’s not a right attitude,to have, I know this, it’s something that happens the first few days back.

I think pretending you’re single is a coping mechanism. I did it, too. Constantly waiting and wishing and worrying and thinking about your DH being gone will make you batty. It’s hard to go to bed alone when you are thinking of how much you miss your DH. Much easier to go to bed with a book and pretend you aren’t missing or waiting for anyone.

And being annoyed with a DH who comes back after an absence is totally normal. You’ve gone on with life, set up your routine, did everything that needed to be done and then here he comes, changing the dynamic and routine you’ve established.

Have you talked to him about it? Does he understand? Is there anything he can do to make it easier for you?

I remember I used to get so angry with my DH when he came home after days and days of being gone. He’d question my routine, tell me how to do this or that and when, then he’d start on how I should handle the kids. I would counter with things like “You don’t know how this household runs. There is a reason why I do things the way I do. You’re never here! You don’t know the why’s and wherefore’s. So, shush!”

It took a while for him to understand things got done the way they did for a reason. It took me a while to appreciate that he could see through fresh eyes and offer constructive criticism.

 

[CatholicServant]

Hi Honey Bea,

I have read your prior posts about how unhappy you are in your marriage and have been praying for you and your marriage. I was sad to see the title of your post and thought that your husband left the marriage.

Thankfully that is not so and I will continue to pray that your marriage heals and you have the beautiful family you deserve. I see your pain and confusion in your posts and I hope that you can find peace in your marriage.

God Bless you and your Husband and I pray that He is safe while protecting all of us.

 

[HoneyBea]

Happiness in doing Gods will is wonderful, but we’re human and we need other types of happiness, too. Sometimes I think I am happier with and closer to God when I am happy in other areas of my life. If things are going decent I get to send happy and thankful prayers as opposed to what basically amounts to crying on Gods shoulder and asking for help.

I know you said you’ve been to counseling, but have any of the therapists thought to mention that the marriage might be ok and that you may be unhappy for other reasons? Are there things you regret not doing? Things you wish you could do, but cannot because you have your family to care for? Do you feel like you’ve failed somehow to live up to your own potential? Sometimes we can be unhappy with ourselves and our lives and then blame the marriage.

My DH and I were having a rough patch. I was all woe is me and maybe we should think about a divorce. This went on here and there for months. Then, bless him, DH mentioned that I probably wasn’t unhappy with him or with the marriage. He said I was probably unhappy with me, that I needed to get a life, to do more. When I pointed out the problems in the marriage and with our relationship he pointed out that no relationship is perfect, we are what and who we are, and that comparing our real marriage to my fantasy marriage was going to keep making me miserable because no reality is as good as an ideal in our heads.

Real turning point. I was first so mad I wanted to kick him in the shins. How dare he…! Then I realized he was right. I did need to do more with myself and I did need to accept and get over imperfections. Sure, the man can annoy me like no other. Sure, he says and does things that exasperate me. Sure, I really, really, wish he’d do more around the house or help more with the kids and dogs. But I do love him, he is who he is, he’s a good man, and he doesn’t have to be perfect for me to be happy with him.

Do you think you could just accept and then let go of the things your DH does that tick you off and let go of the things you wish he would do so that you can appreciate him for who he is?

I think pretending you’re single is a coping mechanism. I did it, too. Constantly waiting and wishing and worrying and thinking about your DH being gone will make you batty. It’s hard to go to bed alone when you are thinking of how much you miss your DH. Much easier to go to bed with a book and pretend you aren’t missing or waiting for anyone.

And being annoyed with a DH who comes back after an absence is totally normal. You’ve gone on with life, set up your routine, did everything that needed to be done and then here he comes, changing the dynamic and routine you’ve established.

Have you talked to him about it? Does he understand? Is there anything he can do to make it easier for you?

I remember I used to get so angry with my DH when he came home after days and days of being gone. He’d question my routine, tell me how to do this or that and when, then he’d start on how I should handle the kids. I would counter with things like “You don’t know how this household runs. There is a reason why I do things the way I do. You’re never here! You don’t know the why’s and wherefore’s. So, shush!”

It took a while for him to understand things got done the way they did for a reason. It took me a while to appreciate that he could see through fresh eyes and offer constructive criticism.

What a great post thank you! I could relate to almost everything you said! Especially the part about being happy with myself. I think that was something I had to realize too and overcome. I was much happier when I was working. The problem was the more I worked the more distant I became with my husband. I felt fine without him and even began to resent him because I was making 4 times his salary…in other words other issues came up…I believe that all to be Satan…I have experienced a lot this past few years and even though its hard I believe we are headed towards the end tail of this. My husband is trying even this past week hes been very nice and making efforts. I caught myself being distant and unappreciative of is efforts. I went even so far as to ask him what he did because “why is he being so nice to me?” lol Anyways, I know God has plans for us too. I need to stay busy doing things that are fulfilling so, I dont look to my husband to fulfill everything. That’s not fair and its too much for any person to bear. He is a great provider, an extremely responsible and disciplined man. I have never had to worry about my husband working, providing or making stupid decisions. Thank you for your post. Sometimes, I need to be reminded and snap out of the woe is me mentality. I also had dreams about my husband but I use to dream about him before I even met him. Crazy huh?

 

[MJJean]

What a great post thank you! I could relate to almost everything you said! Especially the part about being happy with myself. I think that was something I had to realize too and overcome. I was much happier when I was working. The problem was the more I worked the more distant I became with my husband. I felt fine without him and even began to resent him because I was making 4 times his salary…in other words other issues came up…I believe that all to be Satan…I have experienced a lot this past few years and even though its hard I believe we are headed towards the end tail of this. My husband is trying even this past week hes been very nice and making efforts. I caught myself being distant and unappreciative of is efforts. I went even so far as to ask him what he did because “why is he being so nice to me?” lol Anyways, I know God has plans for us too. I need to stay busy doing things that are fulfilling so, I dont look to my husband to fulfill everything. That’s not fair and its too much for any person to bear. He is a great provider, an extremely responsible and disciplined man. I have never had to worry about my husband working, providing or making stupid decisions. Thank you for your post. Sometimes, I need to be reminded and snap out of the woe is me mentality. I also had dreams about my husband but I use to dream about him before I even met him. Crazy huh?

You know how people here are always saying love is a choice? I believe that. I also believe that happiness is a choice. We, at some point, have to look for the silver lining and concentrate on it.

My DH may be useless when it comes to yard work and house work. He may be not so great at keeping the kids on task when he’s supervising them. He may be a cheapskate and he may overreact here and there. BUT he takes care of us, he stays home as opposed to going out partying, he makes me laugh and he tells me about things he’s learned or thought that I never would have learned or thought about on my own. He’s loyal and loving. I figure he’s worth me getting over the fact that he can’t wash dishes (literally never learned how), can’t sweep and mop to save his life, and wouldn’t know how to bathe a dog if I gave him a manual.

Working is good! It makes you feel fulfilled and more money means additional financial security and also means you can do more for yourselves and for your children. The trick is to not resent anyone for not helping as much as you’d like and not resent any income difference. As long as you’re both doing what you love and feel as if you’re making a difference, who cares how much the paycheck is as long as the bills are covered?

When we were having our most recent rough patch we were constantly taking about bills, household problems and relationship issues. We were angry and then making up. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I got a job for a while (I was laid off after a few weeks, they over hired) and I felt great working. But when I came home and we were together I felt…off. I thought we were more distant. Turns out, we were fine. I just thought something was wrong because we weren’t endlessly discussing the relationship, arguing, then making up. Once there was no need for all that I had to learn to feel close and bonded without the drama. It was awesome! We were able to be happy to be together and we could talk about other things. Maybe you just feel distant when you work because you are happier and don’t know yet how to just be happy.

I’m not working now, my kids are teens and I think they need more supervision than ever as my boy is starting to slack on school work and my girl’s hormones kicked in, made her boy crazy, and I like to keep a close eye on her. So, to keep sane, I volunteer primarily with our parish. Plus I have RCIA and the Confirmation group programs and meetings to keep me occupied a few hours or so a week.

I don’t think dreaming of your DH is crazy at all. When I met my DH 14 years ago I knew the second I saw him that he was it for me. My friend was chatting with him, he turned toward me, I saw his face and I knew he was the one. It scared the snot out of me! I didn’t believe in soul mates or love at first sight or even the possibility of a lifelong romantic love. I was a total cynic! And there I was, feeling like I got the breath knocked out of me, in love at first sight. I asked my friend to introduce us and I remember thinking it was nuts to feel so strongly for someone whose name I didn’t even know. I thought I must have lost my mind, lol. No way could that love at first sight thing be real. Yet here we are, 14 years together and nearly 11 married, and I still feel that way. Maybe your dreams and my love at first sight were messages from God. “Hey, lady, this is the guy you’re meant to be with. Now go to it!”

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I need a psychologist? For what? To prescribe me medications to feel? Thanks but no thanks.

No a Psychologist is a Phd or a Psy.d. that is a highly trained professional. Usually a Psychologist is required to have 5-7 years of graduate school during which they obtain their doctorate. Once they complete that then they have about 2 years of internships under the guidance of licensed Psychologist. A counselor does not have to have anywhere close to the amount of training that a Psychologist has to have and might be good or terrible.

A Psychiatrist is a Md that can prescribe meds. a Psychologist cannot prescribe meds.

 

[HoneyBea]

No a Psychologist is a Phd or a Psy.d. that is a highly trained professional. Usually a Psychologist is required to have 5-7 years of graduate school during which they obtain their doctorate. Once they complete that then they have about 2 years of internships under the guidance of licensed Psychologist. A counselor does not have to have anywhere close to the amount of training that a Psychologist has to have and might be good or terrible.

A Psychiatrist is a Md that can prescribe meds. a Psychologist cannot prescribe meds.

I know the difference very well. I am also very familiar with the type of education and qualifications needed seeing as my best friend is a psychiatrist. I also know that Pyschologist prescribe medications under a psychiatrist if need be. You’re missing the point but thanks for trying.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

No a Psychologist is a Phd or a Psy.d. that is a highly trained professional. Usually a Psychologist is required to have 5-7 years of graduate school during which they obtain their doctorate. Once they complete that then they have about 2 years of internships under the guidance of licensed Psychologist. A counselor does not have to have anywhere close to the amount of training that a Psychologist has to have and might be good or terrible.

A Psychiatrist is a Md that can prescribe meds. a Psychologist cannot prescribe meds.

My gracious, when will you stop?!?!? You have TOTALLY missed the point!! Please, please let her be. You are NOT helping.

 

[Loving_disciple]

While this isn’t ground breaking advice. Have you ever considered pray to,St. Joshep and Mary. St. Joshep was a good example of a husband and I am sure he would help you out.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Well… I understand why you are the way you are… Obviously you have the ability to switch off… it’s happened a number of times,and he always returns safely …
you can think independently … you can stand on your own two feet,and you don’t need someone in the house telling you what to do… you have the skill to run a house …
maybe your just more mature minded than those that worry every time there husband is called away… you should buy yourself an ice cream as a reward… well i would…lol
it does not mean you do not love your husband… you have a mutual respect that is great

 

[Teese]

Here’s my 2c.

My husband is retired military and I can totally relate to you and your situation. I always and I mean always sent my husband off with no worries about the home life. It wasn’t some heroic act, I just was and am confident in my abilities to handle whatever may come. Also as you stated I would never guilt him for doing his job or cause him to take his mind off of whatever important work he’s doing to worry about a petulant wife at home or whether the kids were getting the care and attention they needed.

After he retired and started his second career he traveled nearly 5 days out of every week. He’d get up Monday am, give me a kiss as he head out the door and tell me he’d call that evening to check in. He was on his way to the airport and would be somewhere far away for the week. I was extremely busy with young kids with busy schedules and frequently lost track of where he was.

I had some friends who were blown away by this, they fell apart when hubby was away, and more than once required their husband to fly home because a kid was sick with a fever or whatever.

However I had a close friend, a devout Christian also, who was just like me. We dealt with the ER visits for high fevers, sutures and broken bones ourselves and let the hubbies in on it all after the dust had settled. They had their jobs to do and so did we.

I can remember Joann asking me where my husband was this week and I’d tell her I wasn’t sure, I’d find out when he’d call that evening. I never saw this as my not caring, to the contrary, I kept things running smoothly for his peace of mind.

Don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking you don’t care because you’re able to cope so well. We’re all different.