After reading it over again I would cont. to tell him to knock if off. Unfortunately sometimes it is so personal that one doesn’t want to tell friends or even family. What does one do? Keep a straight head. don’t get emotional even though this is tough. Stand up for your rights as a wife and don’t waiver.
You *absolutely *need to talk with at least a few other people about this, after God, of course. First: a good priest and a good lawyer (get recommendations, don’t pick someone iut of the phone book!!!). Then you need personal counsel. Tell at least your best friend if at all possible, or a sister–someone you feel very close to. A counselor might also be a very good idea.
What I am writing is simply suggestions, what I’d tell a friend in these circumstances, totally as a friend, because aside from being to you only a random stranger on the internet, I am not a professional anything.
Then you need a plan. First, as mentioned above, you need to decide what you want. Do you want to try to preserve your marriage? (Put a time limit on this, like 2 to 6 months.) Or maybe you don’t.
If you do, I would sweep any bitterness out of me and start really living my life *not *around my husband and his current craziness. I would fix up the house and fix up myself. Change my hair, change my clothes if only by wearing them with different accessories. Mix it up. Get involved in a couple of things outside the home: stuff you haven’t had time for. If your children are old enough to stay home on their own, join a women’s book club or something similar one evening a week. Basically ignore your husband, and see what he does.
If he doesn’t react in 2-4 weeks, start seeing the lawyer, etc., without telling your husband, and sort out precisely what will happen when the time is up.
If after the time you have decided on he is still involved with the woman, then explain to him that you can no longer live like this and he must go. Do whatever the lawyer tells you to do to effect this. You will have to be tough and not discuss it with your husband. Tell him he can discuss it with your lawyer but you are finished.
You will also have to consider how to tell your children, and how much to tell them, and a lot of other practicalities, which is why you need to discuss this with so many people: the priest, for spiritual support; the lawyer, so you don’t get taken to the cleaners; the friend for advice and support through this; and a counselor if needed.
If you just want him out right away, talk to your “team” and speed up the timeline, but get all your ducks in a row before you do anything.
There are lots of other alternatives. You can ask him to go to counseling with you (during which time you will continue to set everything up in case all he’s doing is stringing you along). You can decide you don’t want to break up the family and continue on the outside like a married couple and turn a blind eye to the affair. Etc.
But right now, he’s got the best of both worlds: he has his affair for fun and a wife taking care of him at home. Why should he choose? There seem to be no repercussions for not-choosing, no downside to letting things continue in this way.
Annie
I don’t have advice, but will pray for you. 