My husband of 26 years left

[julia1234]

Sorry if this post is TMI but I think it is essential to my problem. My husband is living on his boat since last Sunday after 26 years of marriage. He had an affair that when I originally found out about it, I forgave him and did EVERYTHING I possibly could to make him happy and save our marriage. He had told me he had fallen out of love with me because of my sexual rejections over the years, although we regularly engaged at least once a week with no complaints on his part, although he did ask for more exciting things many times. In taking him back, I found it deep in my heart to fall head over heels back in love with him in hopes of us having an even better marriage than ever before. For a couple of weeks we were love birds and I had found a fountain of youth in our love life. Then he pulled back again, breaking my heart even deeper than ever before. Unless you’ve been through it, it is hard to imagine the loss of trust, anxiety, weight loss, and emptiness the lying that went along with the affair caused. Instead of him understanding my scars, he was still angry I had him spied on in order to prove I was not crazy and he really was cheating back when I first was trying to figure out what he was doing. He never got over this and brought it up a number of times! Long story short he went back to her. To pull this off, he lied again, even worse and deeper, darker accusations of me being wrongly suspicious, and the second round of cruel days of wondering, hoping I was wrong, hidden texts etc. I wish he would have just told me instead of the insidious hiding and coldness. We have a 12 year old son that we are raising Catholic and he his a morally conscious child. This alone breaks my heart and the mystery of what the effects of this will be on him. (so far we are both handling that part as best as possible believe it or not) So I am in limbo while he continues to barely support us, live on his boat, and continue his affair with this woman, who has two young children and is a ghost chaser that likes to show suggestive, slightly exposed photos of herself on her Facebook page. She is intelligent though and is now working with my husband in a entrepreneurial endeavor. I had been comforting myself in the knowledge that this thing will fall apart because it is built on a lie. Whether he returns or not, some satisfaction that they are not rewarded for their childish, selfish behavior. But today, to relax and get my mind somewhere else, I went to our local Salvatore Dali museum and am bombarded with the story of how he married a married woman, who had a child, and they lived happily ever after till old age. For some reason this possibility just pulls the rug out from under my attempt to accept his decision and loss of love for me. How do I forgive and move forward while he is still torchering me? He asked the day after he left, in a text, if he has the option to come home, I answered that I am confused. He did not mention it again. So day after day he is obviously with her, instead of his family. No further word from him except friendly texts in planning his visits with our son. Our Priest asked my son today where his Dad is and my poor boy didn’t know what to say. I’m keeping this insane story silent just in case he miraculously sees the light and begs me to take him back. But how can I after the second round of cruel lies anyway? You wouldn’t have known me just a few months ago, I thought we were a solid couple and I never thought in a million years he would do this. I also feel guilt and a pit in my stomach in my part of pushing him away originally, yet many times I was frustrated in reaction to him not reigning in his spending/drinking over the years. We have very little savings and this lead to my own not so nice feelings towards him over time that may have led to my not be amorous all the time. We had a harmonious marriage as far as I knew, no big arguments, agreed on most things, and usually very respectful of each other. I apologized over and over for anything I did in the past that he was unhappy with and was doing everything I could to ‘win him back’. He said he had tried to fall back in love during those two weeks we were love birds, although I’m not sold on this for a few reasons I won’t go into. After weeks of my trying to convince him our marriage is worth saving, He finally said “I’m just not feeling it anymore and need to separate”. He did not know when he said this that I was aware of the renewed affair, so I told him at this point. It did not stop him although he was in shock I figured it out the second time (and is probably angry I had spied again to confirm). I am lost, confused, and on top of it, unable to support myself financially so I am desperately trying to find a new career to go into at 52 years of age. My entire world has been shattered and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know exactly what I’m hoping for by posting here. Advice? Prayers? Words of Wisdom? Ways I can forgive myself and him (and her???!!!) How do I accept he is gone and move on? Let alone what to tell my son as this goes forward. Still hoping for him to see the light, and accepting the reality this guy isn’t such a good guy after all aren’t mixing well for me. It’s like two possible realities and I need just one to continue with any sanity. Thank you if you are still reading this.

 

[Irishmom2]

I forgave him and did EVERYTHING I possibly could to make him happy and save our marriage. He is the one that really needs to be working to save the marriage. You can’t be the only one. He had told me he had fallen out of love with me because of my sexual rejections over the years, That really just sounds like an excuse on his part. although we regularly engaged at least once a week with no complaints on his part, although he did ask for more exciting things many times. you know, no one can give everything their spouse needs. It is not possible. He is wrong to expect perfection in you, his kind of perfection. Then he pulled back again, Probably because he thought he had smoothed things over with you and was still able to pull of keeping the other woman.he was still angry I had him spied on in order to prove I was not crazy Of course. Typical behavior of the cheater to be all indignant about what you did. It takes your eyes off of what they are doing. Do not let him manipulate you, and call him out on that. You did nothing wrong. He did.and he really was cheating back when I first was trying to figure out what he was doing. He never got over this and brought it up a number of times! He did this because he got caught. And he is feeling bad because he isn’t as good as hiding things as he thought he was.Long story short he went back to her. Most likely, he never left her.To pull this off, he lied again, even worse and deeper, darker accusations of me being wrongly suspicious, But you weren’t wrong!So I am in limbo while he continues to barely support us, You need to go speak with a lawyer. But today, to relax and get my mind somewhere else, I went to our local Salvatore Dali museum and am bombarded with the story of how he married a married woman, who had a child, and they lived happily ever after till old age. Do not worry about Salvatore Dali’s seemingly happy existence. He will have to answer to God, like everyone else.,He asked the day after he left, in a text, if he has the option to come home, I answered that I am confused. You should have said he can come home as soon as he ends his affair. He did not mention it again. So day after day he is obviously with her, instead of his family. No further word from him except friendly texts in planning his visits with our son. Our Priest asked my son today where his Dad is and my poor boy didn’t know what to say. I’m keeping this insane story silent just in case he miraculously sees the light and begs me to take him back. No. Make an appointment and talk to your priest. You have no reason to protect your husband from the choices he has made. The truth will set you free. But how can I after the second round of cruel lies anyway? You wouldn’t have known me just a few months ago, I thought we were a solid couple and I never thought in a million years he would do this. I also feel guilt and a pit in my stomach in my part of pushing him away originally, yet many times I was frustrated in reaction to him not reigning in his spending/drinking over the years. We have very little savings and this lead to my own not so nice feelings towards him over time that may have led to my not be amorous all the time. While I hear you acknowledging your part in the breakdown, he has to face the reality of what he has done. He said he had tried to fall back in love during those two weeks we were love birds, although I’m not sold on this for a few reasons I won’t go into. After weeks of my trying to convince him our marriage is worth saving, He finally said “I’m just not feeling it anymore and need to separate”. Of course he is saying that, he is still on the "high"of this woman.He did not know when he said this that I was aware of the renewed affair, so I told him at this point. It did not stop him although he was in shock I figured it out the second time (and is probably angry I had spied again to confirm). Again, he wants to be all righteous and fails to see his part. Ignore him. I am lost, confused, and on top of it, unable to support myself financially so I am desperately trying to find a new career to go into at 52 years of age. My entire world has been shattered and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know exactly what I’m hoping for by posting here. Advice? Prayers? Words of Wisdom? Ways I can forgive myself and him (and her???!!!) How do I accept he is gone and move on? At some point, you should ask if he will go to counseling with you. Ask him, if for the sake of your son, will he at least try to save your marriage through counseling. Then if it didn’t work, he will know he gave it his all, and he can say he tried. And then, if you can get him there, perhaps he will see God’s will for him and you can begin to mend your relationship. Let alone what to tell my son as this goes forward. There are ways to explain without totally trashing your husband. And your son may know more than you think. Kids sense when things are not right. Still hoping for him to see the light, and accepting the reality this guy isn’t such a good guy after all aren’t mixing well for me. It’s like two possible realities and I need just one to continue with any sanity. Thank you if you are still reading this.

 

[julia1234]

Oh thank you for your responses. I appreciate it, I’ve been so depressed over this. I did ask him a couple of times to go to counseling with or without me, and not only does he say no, he DETESTS them. He believes they had a negative influence on two of his sisters and looks down his nose at the idea of paying someone for advice. He also claims to have met a few throughout his life and that they are all nuts. He gets much of his advice unfortunately from his divorced male friends. I asked him to at least talk to some of his happily married male friends. I got no response on that.

 

[Irishmom2]

Of course he won’t answer that, it wouldn’t support his view.

You should go for counseling alone then. It will help you cope to have someone listening to you, besides us here.

 

[EasterJoy]

He lies to you and he rationalizes it. See an attorney and watch the money, because I wouldn’t expect the sexual betrayal to be his last betrayal. I am not saying this to encourage you to be vindictive or even to encourage you to leave him. I’m saying this so you may deny him a near occasion of sin and the opportunity to wrong you yet again. That is, unfortunately, the way to bet, especially if he’s been taking the advice of his bitter divorced friends. Protect yourself, and do not delay. Research a good divorce attorney and meet with him or her immediately for advice on how to protect yourself from your husband. If your husband finds out and tries to condemn you for it, you only have to say, “You’ve let me know you’re not going to look out for me. I don’t want to lose you, but you have deceived me and preferred the opinions of your divorced friends. There is no one left to protect me from you and the next thing you might do to me besides myself. I have to believe these guys who have left their wives are going to tell you to divorce me, too.” If he tries to berate you for that, he needs to look in the mirror.

As for forgiveness, it is not making excuses for someone else who wronged you. It isn’t blaming their sin on yourself. Jesus wasn’t saying his Crucifixion was OK with him when he asked the Father to forgive the ones who had him killed. No, remember that earlier he said to them, “Woe to you! You build the memorials of the prophets whom your ancestors killed. Consequently, you bear witness and give consent to the deeds of your ancestors, for they killed them and you do the building. Therefore, the wisdom of God said, ‘I will send to them prophets and apostles; some of them they will kill and persecute’ in order that this generation might be charged with the blood of all the prophets shed since the foundation of the world, from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah who died between the altar and the temple building. Yes, I tell you, this generation will be charged with their blood!” Luke 11:47-51

No, Our Lord was letting go of vengeance. He was asking for mercy on those who undeniably did the worst thing they could have done. When you work to forgive your husband and the woman who is also cheating on you, remember you are letting go of the desire for vengeance, not talking yourself out of believing that they knew they were wronging you and chose to do it, anyway. You are leaving judgment of their souls in the hands of God. That does not mean you have to pretend they did nothing wrong or that they deserve your trust. It means you will leave their punishment to God and ask the same mercy for them that you hope to have for yourself for the sins you have committed yourself.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I forgave him and did EVERYTHING I possibly could to make him happy and save our marriage…

A common reaction however… the reason it didn’t work is because your husband deep down knew he didn’t deserve the ‘good’ treatment. You were right to forgive in your heart because it is what Jesus wants. But… you failed to set boundaries and make him take responsibility for his actions and earned your trust back through repentance. He knew it and sadly, it made him loose respect for your. I don’t say this to make you feel bad because I am sure it is what a lot of women would have done in your shoes. But all men in his shoes knew how horrid he was.

He had told me he had fallen out of love with me because of my sexual rejections over the years, although we regularly engaged at least once a week

I have never been married but once a week after 26 years of marriage seems like a better than average number. Not sure what he expected

Unless you’ve been through it, it is hard to imagine the loss of trust, anxiety, weight loss, and emptiness the lying that went along with the affair caused.

I totally believe you this would cause a drastic change.

We have a 12 year old son that we are raising Catholic and he his a morally conscious child. This alone breaks my heart and the mystery of what the effects of this will be on him.

This is the exact time to show your son to turn to God in trouble times and to seek God’s voice

I had been comforting myself in the knowledge that this thing will fall apart because it is built on a lie.

That is a very cheap comfort and will not brining lasting joy but could bring an attitude of superiorty. You need to find a better comfort

 But today, to relax and get my mind somewhere else, I went to our local Salvatore Dali museum and am bombarded with the story of how he married a married woman, who had a child, and they lived happily ever after till old age.  For some reason this possibility just pulls the rug out from under my attempt to accept his decision and loss of love for me.

When we are going through hard times, the simplest of things can trigger us. I know it is hard and sad to live through, but it is part of the process of healing. Allow yourself time to cry

How do I forgive and move forward while he is still torchering me?

Pray to Jesus for forgiveness

I’m keeping this insane story silent just in case he miraculously sees the light and begs me to take him back. But how can I after the second round of cruel lies anyway?

By making him repent. Making him stay on his boat for three months and give you an account of his time. From going with him to see the other women for him to tell her it is over. From making him prove he has changed which will take much more than 3 month.

I also feel guilt and a pit in my stomach in my part of pushing him away originally, yet many times I was frustrated in reaction to him not reigning in his spending/drinking over the years.

You did nothing wrong. The fact that you stayed with a man who drinks and spends too much for 26 years makes you a saint. Honestly, what else did he expect? If he can’t treat you right, you are not going to be in the mood too often

My heart bleeds for you, it does. Sadly, in times like this, our faith is really tested and all we can do is just keep running to God

Angie

 

[1soul]

How horribly painful. I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight.

 

[GreyWings]

Great advice already given. There’s a lot of betrayal going on and you don’t need this Judas, OP.

And, oh man. Blaming and accusing you when he is in the wrong? That’s called gaslighting and is abuse.

Kick him to the curb, honey! You deserve better. And if you can’t do that, do it in another way by getting a makeover for YOU and living YOUR life, being fabulous, and hanging out with your friends. Show him what he’s missing.

“Bye, Felicia!”

Seriously, though. I’m sending you a big e-hug and praying for you.

 

[julia1234]

OH Thank you, thank you so much! So many uplifting words of wisdom and serious things for me to think over. I will read and re read in the morning when my head is not so cloudy from this day of despair. Thank you for your prayers!!!

 

[Eliza10]

Julia, I will pray for you. The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking. You have gotten really good advice here so far on this thread. I agree, the truth sets you free. Keep focused on the truth of all things. Realize that one who had tied himself to lying and cheating is going to be offended by the truth or truth-tellers, so don’t expect any good treatment from that point of view to yours.

Cling to the Lord who is close to you. You may be on quite a ride to new territories and you can be sure He is with you every step of the way. Follow Him. *His yoke is easy and His burden is light. *You can trust Him who is all Mercy.

 

[ClearWater]

I second the suggestion of individual counseling. You need someone neutral with experience to help you decide on where to go from here. If you have health insurance, it might cover some of the visits.

 

[LittleFlower378]

Praying for your family. He is basing everything on “feelings” but love and marriage is much deeper than feelings. If I knew him I would take him to the side and tell him to “shske out of it man!”

 

[7_Sorrows]

praying for you.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell your pastor in confidence about this. You should consult a Christian family counselor. Don’t try to keep everything inside. It sounds like your husband is being governed by feelings and emotions rather than discerning the correct thing, which does not sound good. You should try to save your marriage for the sake of all involved. If that does not work out, you can still make a successful life for yourself and raise your son successfully.

 

[Maddie26]

How terribly hard this all sounds. Praying for you and your family.

 

[pianistclare]

As I’m reading this, I’m thinking
"soon, very soon, he will enjoy the “EXCITEMENT” of living with this woman with half his stuff.
Together in an entrepreneurial endeavor? Not for long. This will be a disaster for him, most likely.
You’ve gotten some excellent advice.

1. see your priest, get emotional and spiritual help for yourself so you can be strong in the months to come
2. see a lawyer and get ready. Just in case. Hopefully he will wake up SOON. But if he doesn’t…be ready. You have your son’s future to think about.
3. Be assured of our prayers. If it’s one thing the CAF posters do well, it’s PRAY.

 

[mountee]

Nothing to add to the great advice you have received but I do want to give you my support and I will pray that God will guide you forward. Praying also for the Holy Spirit to fill you full of the wisdom you need every moment of the day.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

As I’m reading this, I’m thinking
"soon, very soon, he will enjoy the “EXCITEMENT” of living with this woman with half his stuff.
Together in an entrepreneurial endeavor? Not for long. This will be a disaster for him, most likely.
You’ve gotten some excellent advice.

1. see your priest, get emotional and spiritual help for yourself so you can be strong in the months to come
2. see a lawyer and get ready. Just in case. Hopefully he will wake up SOON. But if he doesn’t…be ready. You have your son’s future to think about.
3. Be assured of our prayers. If it’s one thing the CAF posters do well, it’s PRAY.

Great advice for the OP. We are all praying for you, for your son and finally, for the Lord to get your husbands attention so he can truly repent and restore what he has destroyed. Protect your son as much as possible and protect all the marital assets as soon as possible. My parish priest has a doctorate in family counseling. find a good qualified priest who can guide you spiritually and morally and emotionally through these very difficult times.

 

[Needing_Grace]

I highly recommend you read the Dr. Dobson book, Love Must Be Tough. I benefited from it greatly while going through very similar circumstances. All you say that you are doing to try to make things work make you appear pathetically desperate to him.

 

[Eliza10]

I highly recommend you read the Dr. Dobson book, Love Must Be Tough. I benefited from it greatly while going through very similar circumstances. All you say that you are doing to try to make things work make you appear pathetically desperate to him.

Its funny I just recommended this book to another poster. It is the one whose husband seems to be having an “emotional affair”. I think it would work for that other poster, as it worked for a friend of mine and I think it would work for many. However, I did not recommend it to this poster because I think she needs more help. Maybe the book, but I would not rely on that alone. I think the OP needs sound counsel, and I know she can get that over the phone with Gregory Popcak’s Pastoral Solutions Institute. I think the first call is free, and its sliding scale, and they won’t waste her time or her money - unlike some counseling they won’t drag things out and just listen to her talk while the meter runs. Instead they can expertly get right to the heart of the matter and offer the sound advice she needs.