Sorry if this post is TMI…
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julia1234
Yes, Julia1234, your post was Too Much Information. Calumny, maybe. There’s a lot that you spilled that the Internet does not need to see. By doing that you may even have created another obstacle to the healing of your marriage.
To all the other commenters in this thread (and too many other threads in the Catholic Answers Forum that are similar), please keep in mind that you have only heard one side of this story. Try to keep from throwing stones.
From what you have revealed, Julia1234, I suppose you and your man had a long period of childlessness in your marriage. If so, this was heartbreaking for each of the two of you–a cross you both bore. Any marriage strains under such a burden. You also mention money problems, that too is another strain on a marriage and women are the ones most often tempted to disrespect their spouse when the marital household faces money problems.
I don’t know your man’s side of the story, but you say he spoke of your “sexual rejections over the years”. (I am disappointed that at least one other correspondent here blew that off.) All the women here, hear this: when you sexually reject your man with whom you are consecrated as one flesh, you have deeply wounded him and broken with him. It is a woman’s way of being unfaithful to her man. All of us must teach our daughters this as they grow into their womanhood and we prepare them for the glorious vocation of marriage. Whether your man takes it quietly and stoically or loudly rebels, know this: your unfaithful rejection wounds his heart and tears at your marriage bond. And your man is bewildered if you do not know this.
Regrettably, Julia1234, your story does not include either of you seeking marriage counseling when your husband felt repeated hurtful sexual rejections nor when the earlier affair you claim to have discovered came to light. Of course, the typical man is reluctant to go to a marriage counselor but don’t dismiss his reluctance as irrational or wrong. It’s not. Still, if either spouse feels the marriage is struggling and believes that marriage counseling could help then I recommend going–even if one spouse goes and the other does not. But be sure to verify that the counselor understands, fully understands, your Catholic view that marriage is indissoluble in this life and that you want to heal your marriage. Too many who put up Marriage Counselor on their shingle are ok with guiding clients into divorce–most of them, probably. So be careful. Ask your priest if he knows of a marriage counselor who helps Catholics heal their marriages, if he doesn’t know one personally he should be able to direct you to another priest who does. (A good priest will help anyone who asks for such help, even someone who is not Catholic.) Ask your Catholic relatives and friends. Call the diocesan office and ask there for a referral too.
You mentioned that drinking has been a problem in your marriage. Consider contacting AA or Al-Anon and asking if there is a mostly-Catholic group in your area. Then go to the one that is appropriate for your situation.
Oh, Julia1234, do not give up on your marriage. You are wedded to your man for as long as you both shall live, for better or worse. Now is a portion of that “worse”. I hear despair in your post, reach out for help to those around you. But do not let them poor-mouth your marriage–you require them to help strengthen you through this trial, not to tear you and your marriage down. Pray to God to give you, your man, your son, and all the guardian angels the graces to strengthen you all in this struggle. Pray to Mary and her most chaste spouse Joseph that they too will petition God with you as you pray for the healing of your marriage, your man, your boy, and yourself. Be sure to include in your prayer requests the grace to be receptive to your man and welcome him back home when he turns again to his one true wife with whom he is one flesh. Keep your home ready to receive him and let him know that even if you do not contact him every day, you are ready to welcome him back every day, that you have tied the proverbial yellow ribbon 'round your heart for him. From time to time, let him know without being prideful of what you are doing toward your goal of reuniting with him and healing your marriage–keeping up attendance at Sunday Mass, seeking/attending counseling and/or support group(s), fasting (don’t pick a grueling fast, see a priest for advice first!), financial planning, completing a novena of prayers, personal fitness, and such like.
In your post you acknowledge some of your own shortcomings in how you treated your man. Introspecting and admitting ones own wrongs is hard to do in such a crisis as you now face, Julia1234. It is humbling. I believe that by doing so you will be able to make a good confession of your own offenses, be more understanding of your man’s faults, and by doing so gain graces that will help you bear this cross and when you reconcile with your man.
Finally, remember that you are through your baptism an adopted daughter of God and a sister of Our Lord Jesus. You know what to do to be made clean and walk in grace with Jesus and His human family again. I pray for you, your man, and the son of your marriage.
