My husband of 26 years left

[Anglewannabe]

Why are you taking a disagreement in advice so personally?

Because Pianistclare has often missed the point of my posts and insinuated there is something wrong with me instead of charitably asking me question to help explain what I am getting at

Can’t people on this thread just say what they want without someone feeling like they are being attacked? Not everyone agrees with everyone, that is for certain. But there is no need for anyone to have to defend what they say. If someone disagrees, they should be civil and charitable and move on. Everyone is entitled on a public forum to have their own opinion.

Lets all agree to disagree without making it personal.

Yes, charitably agreeing to disagree would be nice. But… it is like the boy who cried wolf. When someone has more than once uncharitably disagreed with me, it becomes that much harder for me to give the benefit of the doubt

 

[Anglewannabe]

** Well, that’s real mature. Look. That’s the second time you’ve said that. if you simply cannot engage in conversation without it being about you and your feelings then just don’t read.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m permitted to post my opinion. Really. I shouldn’t have to avoid threads that you are on. Is that what you are asking?
It’s called posting. Not total 100% agreement.


**

No, I would genuinely like for us to get along. But it seems any attempt I make to fit in is being shot down.

 

[tawny]

Because Pianistclare has often missed the point of my posts and insinuated there is something wrong with me instead of charitably asking me question to help explain what I am getting at

Yes, charitably agreeing to disagree would be nice. But… it is like the boy who cried wolf. When someone has more than once uncharitably disagreed with me, it becomes that much harder for me to give the benefit of the doubt

I don’t think anyone has been uncharitable towards you in their posts. People have different opinions & the right to express them. Not everyone in life is going to agree with each other. Disagreements should be handled in a mature, respectable means of communication. Nothing should ever be taken as a personal attack. This is an open forum of discussion, there will always be differing opinions.

 

[pianistclare]

No, I would genuinely like for us to get along. But it seems any attempt I make to fit in is being shot down.

In all fairness, I have never once been angry with you but you are always angry at someone, especially me.
No problem. I can put you on ignore so I can post without accusations.

OP, please be sure to have your husband step up to the bat. He knows where his son lives. He can be a big man and come to his house to pick him up. If he can’t look you in the eye, that’s his problem. He’s. The one who left the home.

 

[1990Domer]

I disagree since we needed the information to help her. And this is anonymous so no one really knows who she is. Personally, I am grateful she shared since she is getting a lot of support from other posters

We are NOT throwing stones, we are telling her the truth, ie she deserves better than to have a husband who cheats

huh? you can’t be serious??? Where in her post was that an issue

She is NOT disrespecting her husband for being a low earner, she is annoyed he spends more than they can afford on non-essentials such alcohol. It is only natural for a woman to want her husband to be a responsible spender

no, she said he wanted her to perform acts that were a bit too much for her and she was intimate with him an average of once a week. I am sure a lot of married men would love to have intimacy that often



No Michelin YOU HEAR THIS: A wife has the right to say no. She is not suppose to be intimate just because her husband snaps his fingers

Nope, the OP did NOT cheat on her husband



I sincerely hope you have no daughters. What mother teachers her daughter to be her husbands sex toy !!!

A selfish immature boy is bewildered. Good men understand their wives have limits

Please don’t blame the victim

What a cruel double standard. She needs to understand and accept her husband won’t go to counscelling to save their marriage, yet her husband is allowed to be feel mistreated because she won’t have sex more than once a week !!!

I really need to ask ‘Michelin, are you a man trying to push a sexist agenda?’

I am too tired to give feedback to anything else you said. I am simply shocked at your post

God bless you that you were able to write so eloquently what I was thinking and was afraid to write. God bless.

 

[Anglewannabe]

In all fairness, I have never once been angry with you .

Thank you for saying that

 

[Anglewannabe]

God bless you that you were able to write so eloquently what I was thinking and was afraid to write. God bless.

Your welcome

 

[pianistclare]

Although she did say that their son is 12.
They’ve been married for 26 years.
There was 14 years of childlessness. That certainly would make them very protective, I would think.

We’re all praying for them, I’m sure. This is going to tough, but they can work it out, if both parties make a commitment to do so.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Can’t people on this thread just say what they want without someone feeling like they are being attacked? Not everyone agrees with everyone, that is for certain. But there is no need for anyone to have to defend what they say. If someone disagrees, they should be civil and charitable and move on. Everyone is entitled on a public forum to have their own opinion.

These are some reasons why I will neither vent nor ask for any personal advice on here.

I’ve seen a lot of compliant from folks in the Family Life Forum, so too much of what goes on here is NOT helping! kpeople:

 

[julia1234]

Thank you again for the suggestions and concern, I greatly appreciate it. I was waiting to get back because my husband never brought up the talk on Friday. I didn’t realize how much I was waiting for it and it really hit me hard he would have me waiting like that and then just text about picking up our son like he had never mentioned our big talk. I was distraught but fortunately I had set up my meeting with our Priest as suggested here, to time out speaking with him first before speaking to my husband. So instead of that I went in literally 1/2 hour after my husband’s text and him once again breaking my heart, and I was a mess. The Priest on the other hand was wonderful and comforting and really solidified that I’m handling it as best I can for now and if my husband is not interested in our marriage any longer then that leaves me on my own to move forward in a healthy way. Of course we would hope my husband would have an epiphany and realize the folly of his choices up till now. He also thought it a good thing since he is doing this that he is not in the home at this time. I have to admit as much as it hurts that he is gone, having him run out every day to see her would probably literally kill me. Anyway, he recommended a family counselor that I saw this morning to help me with the logistics of what to do next. The counselor said I will eventually have to speak with him at least about our son and suggested if I start to feel over emotional to just tell him, and myself the I am hurting so bad right now I need a break from talking. And then take a break. She also said I don’t have to speak with him till I want to. I don’t want to. I do, but to be honest I’m just afraid to do it, and of what I’ll hear. He wouldn’t be vicious,probably just say more to break my heart I imagine. I really have so much to say that I just don’t want to say anything at all. Like I don’t want him to know anymore about me or my heart or my mind. Like I want to lock myself up away from him. The anger is growing toward him, and her as well. I also want to tell him I can’t live in this area any longer having driving by her sleezey Apt. Or at least maybe HE could drive the long unpleasant way. If I brought it up he would probably make up some story that he isn’t going to her place anyway, which brings me to tell you, my son and I once again today saw him on his way to her apartment! That is a real twist of the knife. He did not know I would be picking him up from school later than normal and probably expected us to already be passed by. I don’t know why but even though I know he is seeing her, I think my mind secretly hopes he has stopped but then SEEING it just kills me. My son called him right then to tell him he saw him, all excited. My husband of course knows I know where he was going. Now I’m thinking this is, in my mind, just another nail in the coffin of our marriage. Every new heartache drives me further into despair. I’m not sure when or what the final nail will be but each hit is just so devastating. So after all of this, I’m in the same boat, just waiting. I am going to force myself to do some of the preparation things I’ve been dreading. The counselor did point out that I have some control over this, as in how long I continue staying at home and not filing for divorce. Keeping friendly and quiet is serving me and my son well as far as keeping our living situation stable. I am not completely at his mercy since I can say I’m through at any time. SO, he’s not completely calling the shots, but I’d say he is in control of 99% of the situation right now. I keep thinking of how we were! I miss sitting down and talking with him. I thought we were fine, but I guess it was an illusion. This is getting to be more of a shock now that he is continuing to stay away. It is now two full weeks and I imagine they are a couple. He was seeing her once or twice a day that I knew of. The mystery of what their relationship is like is torcher. I try to imagine MY HUSBAND with some other woman, so close. The intimate part is one thing, but just the closeness of friendship hurts maybe even more. He was MY best friend for 29 years. (but I guess he really wasn’t) We would talk for hours about our son or plans. And now he’s telling her his dreams etc. She’s doing his laundry probably. Trying to wrap my head around this. His complete disinterest (as opposed to thinking he’s torn between the two of us) is becoming more clear with each passing day. With his oh so cordial texts about my son or finances, and I know I need to prepare for divorce but since he hasn’t announced he’s done with me, I can’t seem to move to that decision. I thought the boat would get uncomfortable. Or maybe he would miss us. Not so far. Both the Priest and the counselor say there is no rush to make any big decisions since I’m so emotional right now. I know intellectually that makes sense but my heart needs a conclusion. And then I think “maybe they will have a falling out”. Then what. I feel so small and ugly in his eyes, and his complete lack of respect and disregarding my emotions. He said he’s “over it” and left. How do I ever get “over that” no matter what he says or does. I’m thinking I may never be able to forgive him anyway so maybe just move to the next step. But I can’t, so I just keep waiting. Thank you you all SO MUCH for listening and you’ve been so helpful to me getting through this. Knowing there are caring people out there helping with guidance and prayers is comforting.

 

[mommy_k]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Julia.

The possibility of change is very scary, especially after all these years. But have faith that God will get you through this.

Be assured that you have people here that care about you.:grouphug:

 

[pianistclare]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Julia.

The possibility of change is very scary, especially after all these years. But have faith that God will get you through this.

Be assured that you have people here that care about you.:grouphug:

Amen to that.
Pray that St. Michael prayer often…pray for strength and we will too!

 

[1990Domer]

I third what @mommyk and @pianistclaire wrote. Your posts break my heart, as I cannot imagine how I would handle something like this. So glad to hear what the priest and counselor said to you. Does dear son know the dynamics of what may be happening?

Please be assured of my and my family’s prayers. I took your intentions to Adoration. I find solace chatting with our Lord.

God bless.

 

[julia1234]

Thank you. God bless you all.

 

[hydin]

Julia 1234, I am sorry to hear your story. No one should have to go through something like this. I am divorced and was married for 26 years. My ex may have has an affair, I never checked but doubt it. I won’t bore you with details unless you want more but I will interject a couple of things from a guy who still prays nightly for reconciliation, has watched three college age kids deal with divorce and who has done a tremendous amount of work on himself with the help of an excellent men’s group and as a male who has walked through this process with too many others.

One thing that is tough to hear is that affairs are never all one person’s fault unless they have a mental issue that causes the behavior. I don’t mean in any way you caused him to cheat so please do not take it that way. That was his and only his decision and it was wrong. What I mean is something was happening that made this person attractive to him. I have found this free site very helpful is understanding relationships. It is alturtle.com . He is a very experienced counselor who does this site for free. He has two articles I highly suggest All free and all written is a manner that is gentle but also truthful. One is “what to do when they leave”… this opens up your thoughts to see what your husband is seeing concerning your actions since he left. This paper will open your eyes to see things differently. Again, no blame but right now you are working from “your truth” and he is working from “His truth”. This makes perfect sense to both of you. 99.9% of the time both are not “the Truth”. That normally lies somewhere between the two. This is HUGE. True too. What your husband is doing makes sense to him. If it didn’t he would not do it. One life changing learning for me was this phrase… Everyone makes sense all the time… To themselves. The key is not to say “you don’t make sense” but to find out what his sense is. Why does it make sense to him? Not what you think what he thinks is the reason. The second paper covers this. Out of the blue. did it surprise you? those two are great starters. I will link in this post at the bottom.

Secret all advice… 1. don’t have to take it 2. don’t have to tell them you didn’t take it… True for all advice, on this board and from me too.

1. You can’t make him feel or do anything. All you can fix or change is you… If you try and change him or tell him to change, it will make her look even more attractive to him and hurts your chances. He may be 99% of the problem but if you let him know you think that the results will not be what you want. He knows what he has done. He is in a fog now. The more he hears the more he has his thoughts about you confirmed. That is not your goal. He also can’t break your heart or make you feel anything you choose not to feel. If you choose to feel angry or let yourself feel depressed then you feel that way. It is hard to hear but it is true. We decide how we feel by choice, not because certain things are said. Driving by her apartment only bothers you if you project meaning into it.
2. Be very aware about your thoughts and what you write. Many times we create stories we tell ourselves. We then build on those stories insisting they are true. There is no way to know that they are true but we make them true. Hard concept but again valuable to learn. example that could have happened to me My kids text they are running behind and will be an hour late. I tell myself that my ex-wife is changing the time I get to see the kids to upset me. She is passive aggressive. She doesn’t care about the stress she is putting on the kids. She is trying to upset me so I act upset around the kids and she looks like the loving parent. I decide to delay the kids return and start to think about ways I can “return her favor”. I spend the hour determining the reason they are late, my exwife’s thought process in making them late, and what the kids must be thinking because they know they were suppose to be here already. I have all the answers. I will show her… Make sense so far? does to me… logical. So then they knock on the door… I am fuming. I open door to see my kids and my son’s fiance, who just got back in town but wanted to come along to surprise me…My story falls apart… (this did not happen but I hope you can see the process. When you decide you know what your husband thinks or why he does something it is a story you tell yourself… may be true, partially true or totally bogus. It doesn’t matter at all. Those stories build either expectations or frustrations they are of no use in you getting to your goal… getting your husband back. Nothing matters except your goal… even if true they do nothing to get you closer to your goal. When you find yourself “telling yourself stories” rather than try and stop do the opposite… blow it up… my exwife delayed them for an hour because she is being passive aggressive… she knows I will react and wants the kids hurt… she wants to make me so upset I grab an axe and chop them to pieces when they arrive … just so she can tell her friends she was right … I was a monster… and she even invites her friends to the prison to see me get the chair…and brings a date… (make it so crazy it makes you laugh…) It will remind you that you are telling stories you imagine are true but could be wrong. It stops you from reacting to him because of what these stories make you feel. it gets you toward your goal. Here are the links… If you find any of this helpful let me know and I will help any way I can.
   — what to do when they leave… alturtle.com/archives/1326
   —out of the blue… did something they do surprise you? alturtle.com/archives/1273

BONUS – affairs, how he handles them… wisdom… alturtle.com/archives/1331

cut me off.see below

 

[hydin]

Julia 1234, sorry over limit…

Read over a couple of your posts above and try and use the lens based on the two things above. The only way to get him back it to find out the real reason (not the first reason…) he left. Once you know that you can decide what path you are willing to take. One other thing to keep in mind. The first to file sets all timetables for the divorce. If he files you get to do 90% of the work… he asks you for everything… you produce all joint stuff and personal stuff… he just does what you don’t have. (make copies of everything financial, taxes - think it is 5 years, bank statements for 3 years, take photos of every room in detail… so you can use them to make sure stuff doesn’t walk. Prepare now. If you file you set all dates and can cancel at a moments notice. You can delay for any amount of time almost to let things play out. With your son and house… he the boat… if you need protection it may be smart to file, get temporary support and visitation etc. When you get closer I can provide more options… I know you do not want divorce. I do not want you divorced. If he files you get 30 days to respond with everything he asks for. If you do not respond and he plays hardball you could be in court in 60 days and since you didn’t supply anything, he gets basically he shows is right. stinks. If you file, you send just the divorce papers, a list of things you want from him (lawyer has list already, you just edit if you want) and wait…when he submits his paper work there is not a clock on you to respond. The one who files also sets the dates for each step. filing is an advantage as hard as it is to say it. May want to think about that. If he takes off or takes cash it is much harder to get it back with nothing filed. Also get proof of affair. Still helps with the process to show cause. Do not agree to irreconcilable differences… make it adultery, if you can get proof. Helps with custody for sure… at least until the divorce is final. Do not leave the house under any condition… what you do now sets the standard for any settlement or visitation agreements… I’ll stop now but felt you should at least have some data to work off of. Read the al turtle stuff… pray… talk to Jesus, tell him your thoughts ask for a miracle… Easter is coming… I gave the pain of my divorce to Jesus when venerating the cross on Good Friday… He took it… I refused to take it back… I can tell you how he cared for my by putting others in the right place at exactly the right time. Let Him help. Trust Him. It is hard but it is the right thing to do… He is always good, He is always God. You will make it through this.

 

[heidi_storage]

Julia 1234, sorry over limit…

Read over a couple of your posts above and try and use the lens based on the two things above. The only way to get him back it to find out the real reason (not the first reason…) he left. Once you know that you can decide what path you are willing to take. One other thing to keep in mind. The first to file sets all timetables for the divorce. If he files you get to do 90% of the work… he asks you for everything… you produce all joint stuff and personal stuff… he just does what you don’t have. (make copies of everything financial, taxes - think it is 5 years, bank statements for 3 years, take photos of every room in detail… so you can use them to make sure stuff doesn’t walk. Prepare now. If you file you set all dates and can cancel at a moments notice. You can delay for any amount of time almost to let things play out. With your son and house… he the boat… if you need protection it may be smart to file, get temporary support and visitation etc. When you get closer I can provide more options… I know you do not want divorce. I do not want you divorced. If he files you get 30 days to respond with everything he asks for. If you do not respond and he plays hardball you could be in court in 60 days and since you didn’t supply anything, he gets basically he shows is right. stinks. If you file, you send just the divorce papers, a list of things you want from him (lawyer has list already, you just edit if you want) and wait…when he submits his paper work there is not a clock on you to respond. The one who files also sets the dates for each step. filing is an advantage as hard as it is to say it. May want to think about that. If he takes off or takes cash it is much harder to get it back with nothing filed. Also get proof of affair. Still helps with the process to show cause. Do not agree to irreconcilable differences… make it adultery, if you can get proof. Helps with custody for sure… at least until the divorce is final. Do not leave the house under any condition… what you do now sets the standard for any settlement or visitation agreements… I’ll stop now but felt you should at least have some data to work off of. Read the al turtle stuff… pray… talk to Jesus, tell him your thoughts ask for a miracle… Easter is coming… I gave the pain of my divorce to Jesus when venerating the cross on Good Friday… He took it… I refused to take it back… I can tell you how he cared for my by putting others in the right place at exactly the right time. Let Him help. Trust Him. It is hard but it is the right thing to do… He is always good, He is always God. You will make it through this.

Ugh. How dreadful that our family court system punishes the spouse who doesn’t want to divorce.

 

[julia1234]

Hydin. Thank you for the response! I really appreciate it. I read the first two links.

So an update: My husband has been on the boat for two months now. I have actually done what your first link suggests. After those first days of gut wrenching emotional turmoil, I realized he has no right to know anything of what is in my mind. We have kept very cordial text communication focused only on our son and finances. He still calls me by my pet name in the texts. He will not acknowledge this boat stay is anything more than him finding himself.

A couple of times he has asked if he had the option to come home. At this point he would need to prove beyond measure he is no longer a cheater before I take him back AGAIN. Not out of spite, but literally, out of fear of my physical and mental well being. This affair has aged me and done physical damage. I look five years older and have lost a lot of muscle mass, I CAN NOT go through it again.

As I posted, I made it VERY clear to him I would have done anything to save our relationship, and I was doing everything, yet he lied and cheated the ‘second time’. That changes everything in my mind as far as being able to handle giving this a third try.

Two days ago he sent a text stating how terribly wrong he has been, it was not my fault, he loves me more than heaven and Earth, wants to come home, will prove every day that he can be trusted etc. At first I was elated, but then when I brought up the fact, in a VERY kind and gentle way, that I know nothing about his affair, nothing even of his double LIFE, what has changed in him that he wouldn’t do it again, and most of all, IS HE STILL WITH HER? He never answered or even acknowledged I asked. Once again, the no answer routine, like before he left.

So on a whim, I checked Face Book, and see that he posted a couple of things and she ‘liked’ them. One even last night. (while he is spending quality time with our son?) This shows that they are still cordial at the very least.

As far as the second link, I’m pretty sure he left because he could not get away with sneaking to see her while we were supposedly reconciling. I have since discovered he never stopped contact with her. So sad. The lying to pull that off, AFTER seeing what it was doing to me, well, I consider it almost abusive.

As far as ‘out of the blue’ part of the link? That is where I was wrong. I should have seen it coming. He has been out at night drinking, with me only going on his word where he’s been, for years and years. It’s just been his life style. I don’t think he had a full blown affair before, because there was a huge shift in his personality and how he treated me that coincides with the time he would have been forging a connection with her. It’s not saying he hasn’t cheated before, I don’t know and will never know. My ‘out of the blue’ surprise was just my 100% trust so ingrained in my head that he just would never do that to me. Period.

Everyday that he is with her, he is forging a deeper bond. He will have known her now 10 months at my best guess. He has an entire second life I am not a part of. I don’t know if I can ever get over this. Another woman is a better friend of his than I am, but then, I should re read what you said about story inflating. In fact, I will! I don’t have any idea what their relationship is actually. In fact, I was quite sure he hated me completely and was going to divorce me. The love/come home text shows that’s not true at least at this time.

Thank you so much for the advice.

 

[julia1234]

Hydin:

Wow, I like the blowing up the story thing already! This is great! It will help me in so many ways I think. I can’t tell you how much mental space I probably waste playing out possible scenarios in my head. I just tried it imagining what they are together. Quite entertaining actually.

 

[hydin]

I am happy I could help in some way. Al Turtle is a Blessing. His stuff gently guides you to the truth about yourself when you least expect it. My situation is in no way as tough as yours. But I still fight the story inflating… I am very very good at it.It always comes back to the questions “do you know that is true?” and “how do you know that is true?”

As far as what you mentioned about knowing what the affair involved or the depth of the relationship I also have a copy of a letter to the spouse who cheated from the one left. I have shared it a few times with friends who had emotional affairs (basically the same questions are involved) If you would like I can send it to you in a private message. It deals with the left spouse imagining what took place when and where while the spouse that was unfaithful just wants everything to go away… forgive and forget. Humans do not work that way. When lines are crossed in marriage even the church speaks loud and clear what the faithful spouse’s responsibilities are. Not reconciling is specifically detailed. I can’t remember if it was Canon Law or in the Catechism without checking. Basically it gives you the right to separate for as long as it takes to get trust back (my words) the only qualifier is once the wayward spouse is allowed back into an intimate relationship then that is a sign of forgiveness and the marriage should carry on including intimacy.

I hope your marriage works out as you hope it will. Other sites mention “cake eating” which is the spouse having the benefits of being married or appearing married but also carries on with the affair. Once the trust is violated in a marriage when the party wants to reconcile it is recommended that the returning spouse gives all passwords and complete access to phone and computers at a moments notice. A spouse who is repenting would understand and have no problem with that. “You don’t trust me” is answered with a stern, No, I don’t but it is due to your actions. You have proven you are not trust worthy. Trust once lost must be earned back. Any push back hints at wanting to leave options open.

I hate to bring this part up but if you see this continuing you may want to consult a Priest (call your diocese and get a recommendation of someone who is experienced in marriage issues… they will tell you who to reach out to.) for advice in next steps. Canon Law is very detailed but designed for just this purpose, a wayward spouse. It will give you comfort to hear a Priest explain your options. It is critical you do not wait to protect yourself and your assets. He has left the home. That shows he is OK not being in the home for any temporary arrangements. If you choose to start divorce proceedings, just to protect your assets and parenting rights, it may shake him enough to make a decision. If he doesn’t then you are protected. The person filing has huge advantages in setting the timing and what they need to supply information wise. My exwife filed. I had 30 days to deliver a stack of documents, 95% joint accounts, taxes etc. that was literally 2 1/2 high. If the person doesn’t supply the data then the filer can get a quick court date and their information is used as the basis for a temporary order. Once you file assets are protected and the clock starts. He will not be able to enter the house without your permission and under your conditions. You can also set visitation and make sure the other woman is not present your kid(s) visit. If he wants to reconcile it will shake him big time. Often it also shakes up the other person too - they realize it is no longer a fling. The other sites also suggest not keeping the affair a secret from his parents and family. Of course her spouse, if she has one should also know… for health reasons if nothing else. I have no experience with an affair. Sometimes I imagine one but immediately drop it. Was their an emotional affair? Maybe. Just doesn’t matter. Nothing we think up matters… Our opinion of their actions also don’t matter, anymore. We can only keep our side of the street clean. One thing that was hammered home in a men’s group I attended (accountability on steroids… great stuff. No “I understand” tons of “how do you know that is what she is thinking?” Kept focus on me, no transferring to her… Sorry off track… One thing that was hammered into our heads was it would take our spouses 6 months to notice any change and another 6 months to believe the change was real. We were talking about passive aggressive behavior, not affairs or abuse. Just making needed changes in the relationship. I say that so you will feel more comfortable in needing time to see his behavior change. I am going on too long so I will stop. If you want to take any of this to Private Message I have no issue with that. Any help I can give I am more than happy to pass on. Many helped me and continue to in different ways. No need to deal with this this alone. Holy Week is coming up… If your parish holds veneration of the cross on Good Friday go… when you kiss the cross tell Jesus you are leaving the pain you are experiencing with Him…and leave it there. Refuse to take it back. I did it and I saw Jesus behind many things for a year and a half. It was amazing. Anytime I started feeling down within 30 minutes someone would show up, call or some other way appear and show me I had much to be thankful for. Every time… Trust Him. Also know He waits for you to turn to Him…but once that step is taken He runs in.(stupid free will makes us make the first move). Christ’s peace be with you.