My husband says he doesn't love me anymore

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KellyK

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Please help me, I am desperate. My husband walked out on me and said he doesn’t love me anymore. He said it would take an “act of God” to come to loving me again. It’s funny he should say that, because in the past few months he has turned to atheism. I know he has been pulling away from me, and I have tried to find out why, but he refuses to talk about it. Whenever I try to discuss our marriage, he tells me he doesn’t love me and leaves the house. After work each day, he doesn’t return home until really late, sometimes drunk. I’ve asked him if he is having an affair, and he’s replied “I wish I had a piece of a** on the side, but I haven’t been lucky enough to find anyone.” He’s admitted to looking at pornography and has gotten to the point where he will announce each evening, “I’m going on the computer to look at porn. Don’t disturb me.” He chooses porn over having sex with me. I am afraid when he walks through the door, because I never know what kind of mood he will be in. He calls me names, which hurt me, and he threatens to sell my dog or take her to the pound whenever she barks. This terrifies me, because right about now, my dog is the only true companion I have in this household. I am afraid that someday I will come home from work, and she will be gone. I am just so afraid right now. He blows up at me for every little thing and blames me for everything that goes wrong. The other day, he was driving our car, and started pressing the accelerator really hard and driving like he was insane, weaving in and out of traffic, almost hitting vehicles. I screamed that he was going to kill us both, and he said he didn’t care. I am scared of what’s next. He was always so nice and loving. I can see that he’s depressed, and he is turning into someone I barely recognize. I want him to love me again, but I don’t know what to do. I am the same person I was when he fell in love with me, I just don’t understand why he is turning on me like this. I personally feel like he is mentally ill, and if he would get help, then our problems would be over. But he refuses to see anyone. What can I do?? I have prayed over this, but things are getting worse. Please help!!
 
Get in touch with a battered women’s shelter and get out of the house NOW and cut off all contact with your husband until he gets psychiatric help.

You’ll be in my prayers. 😦
 
TODAY - Get a lawyer and find out what your legal options are, starting with a legal separation and a restraining order since he has threatened to kill you. Don’t treat this lightly.

Change the locks and throw all his stuff on the front lawn. He has made his choice. He wants porn, not you? - tell him he is free to pursue all the pictures he wants but he’ll have to do it somewhere else cause you aren’t going to put up with it any more.

Perhaps the shock of you no longer pleading with him to love you again will bring him to his senses. If not, you are better without him. Don’t put up with his abusive behaviour any longer.
 
Do you have a family or friends nearby who will keep your dog while you are at work?

Speak with your priest, and if you are in danger, get out of the house.
 
Kelly, this in an intolerable situation. He is blatantly waving his porn addiction in your face to make you feel like YOU are not enough for him. This is abuse. If you want him to love you, stand up for yourself. I have found that the more you respect yourself and stand up for what is right, the more chance you get the love and respect you deserve. Do not enable him. It is NOT ok for him to view porn in your house. Put a lock on the computer. If he gets angry or violent, get him to leave or leave yourself. DO NOT put up with this, no matter how much you love him. It is wrong and sinful viewing porn. You will not win him back that way, if that is what you want.
You are not a doormat. Please, stand up for yourself and have a strategy in place. Protect yourself too. You cannot fix him, only he can do that but look after yourself. I really have found that the more a woman puts up with abuse from a man, the less he respects her and the worse the abuse gets. He may need you to be tough in this situation. He sounds like he has some kind of mental illness, or depression but if he is not willing to get help, there is nothing you can do. Please, as sad and as hard as this is, look after YOU now, and pray very hard.
God bless
 
Kelly, these ladies know far better than I what steps you can/should take but I just wanted to say that some animal welfare societies now work closely with women’s refuges because they realise that abusers frequently threaten to harm pets and that victims often delay leaving in order to protect their animals.

The UK RSPCA has started a short-term foster care program for such pets and tries to place them with carers who are good with unsettled and possibly traumatised animals. They’re probably not the only group running such a program.

Caring for the pets of abuse victims is currently a high profile issue amongst animal welfare workers. Maybe the local humane society can help you find temporary shelter for your beloved dog in these circumstances, if family/friends can’t help, which may bring you a little peace of mind knowing she’s safe, and remove at least one worry if you decide you must leave.
 
A sudden change in personality may be indicative of a physical or mental disorder, and/or biochemical imbalance, or substance abuse(in addition to the alcohol).

Will your husband see a physician?

Can you involve your husband’s family or a close friend?

Keep yourself safe, but consider that you may not know how sick he might be.

ASK him if he thinks about suicide.
 
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You must be so frightened, confused and heartbroken.

Do you have children?

Talk to a good attorney today. Get referrals from people you know, but get to an attorney. Get out of the house for your safety, and leave while H isn’t at home. Do you live close to your family? Ask a brother, or another male relative, to help you move. Take all of the important papers, and anything else that you don’t want to lose.

Don’t get back in a car with him, and don’t be alone with him.

Talking to an attorney doesn’t mean that you are filing for divorce; you can talk to one in order to protect your assets and to arrange for financial support. You have to be safe and alive if you want to try to work on your marriage, and your leaving could be the wake-up call your H needs.

Don’t be too afraid to look out for yourself.
 
Thank you for all of your responses. I am in the process of working through some of the advice everyone here has given me. I can’t move in with my parents because they are too far from where I work, but I am thinking about sending my dog to stay with them. They care about her more than my husband does, and she is comfortable with them, so I would feel safe with her there. The bottom line is that I am just plain SCARED right now. I don’t make enough money at my job right now to live on my own, and my husband always throws that in my face–he likes it that I have to depend on him financially and he claims that my paycheck is simply money that I owe him for food, clothing, shelter, and health insurance. But I had managed to stash away some “mattress money” which only amounts to a few thousand dollars, and I opened a private account for myself today. I told my employer to have my paychecks directly deposited to this account. I have already tried talking to his parents and asking for their intervention in all of this, but they are in complete denial that my husband has a problem. It doesn’t surprise me, because they have always been uncomfortable being around people who are mentally or physically disabled, so the idea that their son could have a mental illness freaks them out. They are odd that way–his parents switched seats with me at a wedding one time because they didn’t want to sit near a woman with dementia. When I talked with his folks about my husband’s problems, they were EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the whole conversation and tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible. So I can’t depend on them for any help in this.
I just don’t know where to go right now. Starting out on my own is a very scary concept, and I know I should call an abuse hotline, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like such a failure. I never imagined that I would ever be considering divorce. I just feel like my whole world is falling apart around me. But I also know that everyone here is right-- I can’t tolerate this anymore. Please everyone, pray that the Lord gives me courage to get out!!
 
Kelly,

I am so sorry you are suffering like this you are in my prayers. I know a small portion of the pain you are going through. It is so hard to see clearly when you that somewhere in there is the man that you married. My husband has problems with rage. It was quite bad early on, but with therapy he is doing much better.

As others said, do not remain in a potentially dangerous situation. Your safety is most important. You can pray for him from afar.

Peace
 
Find an Al-Anon meeting nearby and tell them what is happening. i am sure there will be many women there who have gone through exactly what you are going through. You are in my prayers.
 
estesbob said:
Find an Al-Anon meeting nearby and tell them what is happening. i am sure there will be many women there who have gone through exactly what you are going through. You are in my prayers.
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Yep!!!

I agree with the advice you are getting here… but if it makes you feel better… my ex did pretty much the same thing about saying he didn’t love me and being verbally abusive… and he not only sufferers from alcoholism, drug addiction, depression… he also has other mental health issues. Feel free to tell him to get help and also that you don’t care if he leaves if he threatens to… what people like him thrive on is the power they have over you… once you remove the power they can’t hurt you. While we are at it… let me tell you about power bases in marriages… He who cares the least has ALL the power… keep that in mind… and don’t give him that kind of power over you.
 
Kelly,

It sounds like you are on your way to looking out for yourself. Like we all say, look out for your safety.

Do you have a friend from work or church who can shelter you?

Oh, and you are not a failure. It sounds like your husband has problems that you cannot conquer.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

(another) Kelly
 
Sweetie, make that call. It’s very liberating to tell someone out loud that you are being treated in an abusive manner and you’re not going to take it anymore.

Sounds like a bit of the demonic going on here. You CANNOT do battle with that alone. Don’t even try. Where mental illness ends and satanic influence begins is one question I wouldn’t stop to ponder in my haste to find safety.

Bless your house with holy water and expect his behavior to worsen.

Say the prayer to St. Michael often when you are around him. And find a way to get away. I don’t want to scare you, but I had a friend whose husband was very similar and he poisoned her little dogs. The animal is a substitute for what he wants to do to you. Right now he’s symbolically suggesting he’s going to dump you at the pound.

You can do it. You can make a life for yourself and support yourself. Is there any way you can get a job near your parents and move with them for a while?

The problem with people like your husband… they need help desperately but they won’t admit it. You can’t fix what you won’t admit.

Keep us updated. I’m worried about you.

(BTW, I walked in shoes very similiar to yours and I had no job and three young children. If I can do it, you can too! 👍 )

Follow the advice you’ve received here. And talk to your priest. You need special prayers. By surfing porn on the internet, your husband has let in demonic influences into your life. And I’ll bet if you even talked about it, he’d flee the room.
 
Kelly,
Do you live in a community property state? If you do, you “own”
assets that have come into the marriage, excluding gift or
inheritances either for you or for him. If you bought a house
together and there is equity, half is yours. Same with pension
etc. So look into what your state does. Some will make him
give you alimony etc.
Please do take care of yourself and find another place to live or
have him move out.
Will pray for the two of you.

.
 
KellyK said:
I just don’t know where to go right now. Starting out on my own is a very scary concept, and I know I should call an abuse hotline, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like such a failure. I never imagined that I would ever be considering divorce. I just feel like my whole world is falling apart around me. But I also know that everyone here is right-- I can’t tolerate this anymore. Please everyone, pray that the Lord gives me courage to get out!!
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You already have great advice here, but the very very very first thing you have to keep repeating to yourself is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You have not failed as a wife or as a woman, as a Catholic, or as a person. You are NOT responsible for his behavior.

Repeat this to yourself at least ten times each day - "His issues are NOT my fault!"

Ok - now that we have that out of the way. 🙂 Protect yourself, first and foremost. You are already taking care of the money part as much as you can. But you need to ensure that you are safe. You have said more than once here that you are scared. If you are scared for your personal safety, then GET OUT. Go to live with a friend, a co-worker, anyone who will let you stay there. And while you are doing this get a lawyer. This does not mean that you are ending your marriage - it means that you are protecting yourself should it come to that.

Oh - I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. Something is clearly going on with him that you don’t know about. Pray for him, he surely needs all the help he can get.

I will keep you both in my prayers. Please let us know how things are going for you, we will all be concerned until we know you are safe and well.

God Bless - :hug1:

~Liza
 
Call your parents and your Priest. The next call is to your boss “my husband is abusive and I am getting away from him. I need a week off to set things in order.”

Get yourself to a safe loving place.
 
I would contact the domestic violence shelter in your area. Here is the national number 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

They will have some good advice as well as some legal and financial resources and possibly some housing options.

Another place to contact would be Catholic Charities. They would be able to put you in touch with some private organizations that can help you out financially. They should be able to refer you to a food bank where you could get free groceries, as well as places that could help you find low income housing that would make living on your own financially feasible. Often times these places have long waiting lists, but Catholic Charities might have the connections to get you into a place a little more quickly. Before I got the job I have now, I looked into these options and there are some nice apartments available with very low rents. You might be surprised just how much assistance is available from private organizations which are able to act more quickly and efficiently than government agencies.
 
KellyK said:
Please help me, I am desperate. My husband walked out on me and said he doesn’t love me anymore. He said it would take an “act of God” to come to loving me again. It’s funny he should say that, because in the past few months he has turned to atheism. I know he has been pulling away from me, and I have tried to find out why, but he refuses to talk about it. Whenever I try to discuss our marriage, he tells me he doesn’t love me and leaves the house. After work each day, he doesn’t return home until really late, sometimes drunk. I’ve asked him if he is having an affair, and he’s replied “I wish I had a piece of a** on the side, but I haven’t been lucky enough to find anyone.” He’s admitted to looking at pornography and has gotten to the point where he will announce each evening, “I’m going on the computer to look at porn. Don’t disturb me.” He chooses porn over having sex with me. I am afraid when he walks through the door, because I never know what kind of mood he will be in. He calls me names, which hurt me, and he threatens to sell my dog or take her to the pound whenever she barks. This terrifies me, because right about now, my dog is the only true companion I have in this household. I am afraid that someday I will come home from work, and she will be gone. I am just so afraid right now. He blows up at me for every little thing and blames me for everything that goes wrong. The other day, he was driving our car, and started pressing the accelerator really hard and driving like he was insane, weaving in and out of traffic, almost hitting vehicles. I screamed that he was going to kill us both, and he said he didn’t care. I am scared of what’s next. He was always so nice and loving. I can see that he’s depressed, and he is turning into someone I barely recognize. I want him to love me again, but I don’t know what to do. I am the same person I was when he fell in love with me, I just don’t understand why he is turning on me like this. I personally feel like he is mentally ill, and if he would get help, then our problems would be over. But he refuses to see anyone. What can I do?? I have prayed over this, but things are getting worse. Please help!!
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I SINCERELY hope everything turned out for the better and you are safe and at peace
 
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