My husband wants to be a deacon

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My husband and I have been married for nearly a year and earlier this week he told me that he thinks he is being called to be a deacon. My husband is catholic and I am not even though I am a church going Christian - I currently attend an Anglican church where I grew up. I am all for supporting my husband in a call to ministry and even joining with him in that, but I’m very confused as to what impact my husband’s calling may have on me. Also, just to add another thing into the mix, my current husband is my second husband (Although I am his first wife) and I have two primary school aged children from my previous marriage. I understand the catholic church is very condeming of divorcees. I’m assuming God knows what he’s doing if he’s calling my husband to this type of ministry but I would love some insight and advice on the situation. Thanks. 🙂
 
Lightbee said:
My husband and I have been married for nearly a year and earlier this week he told me that he thinks he is being called to be a deacon. My husband is catholic and I am not even though I am a church going Christian - I currently attend an Anglican church where I grew up. I am all for supporting my husband in a call to ministry and even joining with him in that, but I’m very confused as to what impact my husband’s calling may have on me. Also, just to add another thing into the mix, my current husband is my second husband (Although I am his first wife) and I have two primary school aged children from my previous marriage. I understand the catholic church is very condeming of divorcees. I’m assuming God knows what he’s doing if he’s calling my husband to this type of ministry but I would love some insight and advice on the situation. Thanks. 🙂
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First I want to thank you for supporting your husband in what he perceives to be his vocation. Your marriage could be an impediment if you do not have a sacramental marriage (e.g. not married in the Catholic Church). The Church does not automatically condemn divorcees, condemnation is for people that had valid marriages, divorced and then get married again. If you married in the Catholic Church that means that it does not apply to you, if you are not married in the Church then you have a bigger issue than being accepted into the Diaconate program.
The ministry of the Diaconate is quite time consuming and usually one of the requirements is that the person has been married for at least five years and that the children are grown up. The Diaconate has to be compatible with the vocation of marriage and if it were to hinder it, the man would not be considered a good candidate at the time.
My suggestion is that both of you talk to the priest and to the person in charge of the Diaconate vocations. I would also suggest for the two of you to read the following document.
 
We had our marriage presided over by both an Anglican minister and a catholic deacon - having a valid marriage was very important to my husband. We are Australian rather than US citizens. Does that change anything? Are the roles and regulations for deacons different in different countries?
 
i cannot speak much to the requirement to be a deacon… but i know it is a lengthy process.

the whole marriage thing i can speak to.
the catholic church follows the “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder”

The church has very specific ideas of what constitutes a VALID marriage in the church. Among these requirements are a commitment and understanding by both parties that marriage is intended to be for life.

basically, if there is a VALID marriage, then divorce is not recognized under church law, even if the civil law acknowledges it.
please note: you can divorce, civilly, without any problem in the church…
the problem comes when a person who has been divorced wishes to re marry a new partner…
because the church says “you are already married! you cant marry another person!”

annulment, often (falsely) called “Catholic Divorce” is not a divorce . it is the finding that the prior marriage was not valid in the eyes of the church, that the marriage… wasnt. One example would be a finding that the partners entered into the marriage WITHOUT the ability, knowledge or desire for a lifelong partnership.

the main issue with your situation is IF the Catholic church thinks you are married to your first husband! why, if that is the case… then your husband is living in sin! because you two are NOT married in the church!

If you were married in the Catholic church, then this was obviously all dealt with before. if not? then before he would be able to be a deacon, (or even lawfully receive communion!) you and he would have to go find out about an annulment of your FIRST marriage, then have your marriage blessed by the church.

i hope that this is all un needed advice, that your marriage is recognized by the church, and that all you really needed was to find out about this deacon business…
i will be praying for you both
 
Lightbee said:
We had our marriage presided over by both an Anglican minister and a catholic deacon - having a valid marriage was very important to my husband. We are Australian rather than US citizens. Does that change anything? Are the roles and regulations for deacons different in different countries?
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If your first husband was still living at the time, you MUST have gotten an annulment (recognition that the church doesnt consider you married to your first husband) before you can have a valid marriage to anyone else.

a deacon being at the wedding is no guarantee of the wedding being lawful in the church.
  1. was your 1st husband still alive?
  2. did you get an annulment?
if you dont have an annulment, and your first husband is still alive, then you (or at least your husband) have a very serious problem.
among other things, any good knowledgeable Catholic (like a deacon) should have been able to tell you that!

PLEASE , both of you go and talk to a priest. call and make an appointment and tell him you are concerned about the validity of your marriage in the eyes of the church.
 
fabricdragon said:
If your first husband was still living at the time, you MUST have gotten an annulment (recognition that the church doesnt consider you married to your first husband) before you can have a valid marriage to anyone else.

a deacon being at the wedding is no guarantee of the wedding being lawful in the church.
  1. was your 1st husband still alive?
  2. did you get an annulment?
if you dont have an annulment, and your first husband is still alive, then you (or at least your husband) have a very serious problem.
among other things, any good knowledgeable Catholic (like a deacon) should have been able to tell you that!

PLEASE , both of you go and talk to a priest. call and make an appointment and tell him you are concerned about the validity of your marriage in the eyes of the church.
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From what she says she has a valid marriage. We have to presume that a Deacon would have not presided at an invalid wedding. We have to assume that, especially after reading her statement that her husband wanted a valid Catholic wedding. Would it have made a difference if instead of Deacon she were to say Priest or Bishop?
 
Lightbee said:
We had our marriage presided over by both an Anglican minister and a catholic deacon - having a valid marriage was very important to my husband. We are Australian rather than US citizens. Does that change anything? Are the roles and regulations for deacons different in different countries?
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The roles and regulations for Deacons are the same for members of the Latin Rite! They are ordained people in the Church. Roles and responsibilities can be somehow different for the Eastern Catholic rites. However, there might be different requirements for the candidates depending on the Conference of Bishops.
 
Lightbee said:
We had our marriage presided over by both an Anglican minister and a catholic deacon - having a valid marriage was very important to my husband. We are Australian rather than US citizens. Does that change anything? Are the roles and regulations for deacons different in different countries?
Click to expand...
Good evening Lightbee,
My name is Gary, I am in my final year of formation; I am to be ordained a deacon in December (God willing!) I am one of ten in my class which started in ’06. One of our classmates is married to a Southern Baptist. She doesn’t go to any of the classes but she supports her husband as best she can being outside of the Church. They are a close couple and this was no impediment to his being accepted in the program. It may be different in other dioceses.

The impact on you, your husband and your children will be PROFOUND!!! Sorry about the screaming. But it has been an amazing journey for me and my family. The formation process has changed my entire family; even my extended family. It has changed our life. At first many were reluctant to accept this, but they have all come around because of the change that they see in us.

It is impossible to go through the education process, especially the spiritual side and not be changed. Your husband’s calling will have a tremendous impact on you because he will become a better husband and father than you ever expected you could have. A man of God takes care of his family’s earthly and heavenly needs.

There are requirements as far as marriage goes, I think someone mentioned that you need to be married at least five years. That is true in my diocese and in the neighboring Arch Diocese of New Orleans.

God most definitely knows what he is doing, if He is calling your husband to the permanent diaconate you will know for sure by the time he is eligible. The signs and answers to prayers will be obvious, as they were and are with us.

Check with your diocese to see exactly what the requirements are and you will have a better idea of your options. As far as your marriage, if there was a Deacon there in official capacity then you have a valid marriage. Canon law prohibits a clergy member from being present at an invalid marriage; unless the Deacon was working as a loner, then that would cause some issues for you and him. As a clergy member you would create the appearance of validity when it is not present, so the Deacon would be in err.

I’m not sure of your ages but I am 43 and my wife is 42. We have three kids, Brett 17, Evan 14 and an adopted daughter Mandy 15 (possible a 4th soon, Mandy’s little sister McKenzie-11). The kids were an issue when we first started, but they have grown in faith along with us; we consider ourselves extremely blessed.

Anyway, good luck to you and your family. It has been and remains a wonderful journey for me and Michelle; our marriage of 22 years has never been stronger. Please keep us in your prayers and we shall do the same for you.
 
Our program required the wife to attend all formation classes with her husband including retreats. Those who had children still in school had a difficult time of it. If God is calling your husband the way will open up. Meanwhile, there are many ministries that are crying for help and he can see if he would like to spend his life serving the poor, those in prison,the hungry, the homeless Etc. Note this Sunday’s gospel.
 
Thanks for the info about the marriage requirements etc. We will be pursuing that.

Assuming that all works out okay, can anyone provide any insight on how formation and ordination impacts on the wife? Even if its only subjective information I would be very grateful to know how this is for others.
 
This would depend on your diocese. The wives are a very important part of your formation. Our savy bishop told our wives that they were more important than their husbands. He won them over! In the world, your commitment to your marriage and your family as your first ministry is ment to be an example to all. Our wives were there for all the formation classes and were even allowed to get a counseling certificate, if they did the homework for that class. They were not required to do any homework. The wives also had classes without the husbands present so they could air their concerns. A mentor couple program was begun after my ordination, where a deacon and his wife are available to a couple in formation to support them and help them with the program. Wives took part as active members of the classes and discussion groups and gave feedback on our homilies. As I have mentioned, those with children still in school had a more difficult time. My kids were all grown and long out of the nest.🙂
 
plato3 said:
This would depend on your diocese. The wives are a very important part of your formation. Our savy bishop told our wives that they were more important than their husbands. He won them over! In the world, your commitment to your marriage and your family as your first ministry is ment to be an example to all. Our wives were there for all the formation classes and were even allowed to get a counseling certificate, if they did the homework for that class. They were not required to do any homework. The wives also had classes without the husbands present so they could air their concerns. A mentor couple program was begun after my ordination, where a deacon and his wife are available to a couple in formation to support them and help them with the program. Wives took part as active members of the classes and discussion groups and gave feedback on our homilies. As I have mentioned, those with children still in school had a more difficult time. My kids were all grown and long out of the nest.🙂
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Hey Plato, when were you ordained?
 
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