My husband won’t go to our sons wedding. I think this is the last straw for me

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eliana

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Hello! My husband and I are polar opposites despite the fact that we are both catholic and met in church - opposite political beliefs, everything. I love him because I do think two individuals can be with eachother despite what they believe in.
Our boy, is 26 now and the light of my life. He came out to me at age 16, I said it wasn’t a big deal and moved on from it then he came out to his father, my husband, a year later. My husband didn’t take it all that well and said my son will grow out of it, it led to some arguments, and my son stayed with a friend for two nights while I calmed my husband down. He wasn’t ever accepting but he learned to “let it go as long as our son doesn’t speak of it much”. I said fine, whatever. He’s trying his hardest to be a good dad and that’s all that matters.
My son has been dating a black man for the last four years and he was scared to tell my husband but he told me when they started dating. I finally convinced him to let his father know a year into their relationship which might have been a mistake on my part. My husband has not been accepting it well and wants to take us to a priest which I was happy to do, except my son is an atheist. I still went with him though. The priest told us there is nothing wrong with my son and that we should focus on loving eachother instead of focusing on our differences. Our son left to pursue law and I hear from him a lot and visit but my husband doesn’t come with me as much as I would like him to. My son expressed his interest in adopting babies in the future!

This is where the problem lies: we got a wedding invitation in the mail last week. It was perfect because I’ve always wanted grandkids and to have my son be happy even if that means he follows a homosexual lifestyle. My husband refuses to go. He has told me nobody on his side of the family is going, so none of my in-laws. We fought. We rarely fight. I asked him why he didn’t speak out sooner when my son announced their relationship and he said he thought it would go away despite the fact that they were 23 when he found out.

It’s breaking my heart. My mother-in-law messaged me on Facebook to tell me I should only support my son from afar and not attend his wedding, and if I do then I’m not the woman my husband deserves. We never had a good relationship but I thought that‘s normal for mother-in-laws. Then she threatened to get my husband to separate from me.I told her I’m going, she mentioned the safety risks, I told her that it’s a small family only gathering (my soon to be son in law doesn’t have much family) and that it’s in the safest state in the US. She left me on seen.
My husband has begun sleeping on the couch. I miss him, but he’s not the man I knew. I’m coming here because I need advice from like-minded people. I’ll be calling my priest soon for guidance, I just need kind words and maybe advice if you guys have any. I hope this isn’t the end of our marriage because it truly was wonderful in the beginning and I don’t even know what happened.
Thank you guys! Much love 🙂
 
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Exactly! Thank you. I hope this all gets sorted out, although I don’t think it will.
 
eliana said:
The priest told us there is nothing wrong with my son
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This is a pretty shocking statement on its own. I cannot imagine a priest telling someone that engaging willfully in sin is not something to be concerned about. Was this a Catholic priest?
 
You can’t force your husband to do something he doesn’t believe is right. Would you want him to force you to do something against your conscience? This is not grounds to dissolve a marriage. Please let him do what he thinks best, and pray for your marriage.
 
My husband was shocked as well! This was a newly ordained priest from our local church, young man but kind. He told us that he doesn’t agree with our sons actions but that at the end of the day there’s nothing wrong with him as we are all making mistakes everyday - something along those lines. I’m going to call my childhood priest from my home state in a couple hours. I’ll try to update on what he says.
 
I didn’t want to originally but he’s the one who refuses to speak to me, he’s the one who is letting his mother influence him into distancing himself from me.
 
Stop speaking with your mother-in-law. She doesn’t get a say in your marriage. Your husband should be the one to tell her to mind her own business – but if he won’t, you’ll have to do it.
 
eliana said:
My husband was shocked as well! This was a newly ordained priest from our local church, young man but kind. He told us that he doesn’t agree with our sons actions but that at the end of the day there’s nothing wrong with him as we are all making mistakes everyday - something along those lines. I’m going to call my childhood priest from my home state in a couple hours. I’ll try to update on what he says.
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Yeah, I think there are some problems with that statement. You stated your son is atheist, and is now engaged in behavior that God defines as sinful. I get that we make mistakes, and can repent and seek forgiveness. But it is another thing entirely to reject the gospel, and knowingly and willfully engage in sin. Or perhaps willfully engage in sin to such an extent that his heart has become hardened enough to reject the gospel. Your son’s soul is in mortal danger, a priest has no business sugarcoating that. It isn’t loving, and it isn’t right for him to do so. Your son needs to know what his true condition is with regard to sin and salvation.

Quite honestly, I think you need to seek the advice of a faithful priest or pastor.
 
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He won’t tell her anything. I think he’s been listening to her and she’s probably been pressuring him to leave me. If I wasn’t a kind woman I’d tell her to shut up, but that’s rude.
 
Your husband is right. Support him in this. You cannot condone your son’s actions. Love your son, by all means, but you can’t accept that he is doing the right thing.

Jesus said that he would set families against each other, and it is our Christian duty to love God above all else, even our closest loved ones.

Also, find another priest.
 
I am sorry that your son is planning to adopt babies. This is not something, that as catholics should support, and sadly you are at the wrong place to have support in this way.

I think you have right, you have to support your son. But your husband has also right. He cannot (and should not) support his son in a way that is considered as disordered, and is not in the interest in any adopted children.

You want to have children, but we have to conclude that sometimes, it is not the best think that can happened.

I am sorry to heard that your priest said there is nothing wrong with your son. We can said that there is nothing wrong with him, but that don’t made the situation (the relationship) more moral.

So, I would suggest to go to the wedding, and that you let your husband not go to the wedding.
 
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LGBT issues are an extremely polarizing topic in Christianity, including Catholicism, with some being accepting and supporting, like you, and others being rejecting or hostile, like your husband. It has split several large protestant churches, and Catholics are in a state of internal schism, as well.

Christians, inluding Catholics, who disagree with each other over LGBT issues, almost always disagree with each other over a whole host of other issues, religious and secular, including, as you touched upon, politics.

Most people have chosen sides already, and the mushy middle is rapidly disappearing, with hardliners in both camps uninterested in compromise, and sticking to their principles.

You could try marriage counseling, if he’s willing to try. Otherwise, you’ll have to decide whether you want to stay with him, and vice versa.

Can’t offer much actual practical advice beyond that, but I wish you all the best and will pray for a mutually agreeable outcome.

Ignore your MIL. She has control issues that can sabotage your relationship with your husband.

Good luck, and God bless!
 
eliana said:
What? A marriage between two men or women is still a marriage. It doesn’t matter. That’s not the point. Would you rather those babies go to worse foster homes run by straight couples instead of a gay couple that could truly give them a good life? There is such a thing as that kind of marriage, and they are doing it. You have no right to say my sons marriage isn’t real. I’d rather that then him marry a woman and have an affair 20 years in. No.
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No, you are Catholic, so you know this stuff. A marriage is the permanent, fruitful union of one man and one woman. Anything else is an invalid attempt. A man pretending to marry another man is sacrilege–it is the simulation of a sacrament. Your son may be excommunicated for what he does. It is your duty as a mother to protect his soul from this.
 
I don’t agree with many of the answers here as I sympathize with the nuance of your situation and still struggle with Church teaching on homosexuality. That said, posting this question on a Catholic site is bound to get you mostly responses that are 100% aligned with the Church teaching as it stands. If you want to get more neutral responses a non-Catholic site will give you that. Also, does your husband have a problem with the fiance being Black? This was mentioned so I’m not sure if race is another factor here.
 
You should probably think about seeing a priest and working to get your marriage back on track. According to your original post, you’ve been keeping secrets from your husband for years now: a year of keeping the secret concerning the child that you and he created together coming out to you and then, later, a year concealing his dating: There’s not much that people are going to be able to do on this website to get you through this.
 
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eliana said:
But he needs to support his son.
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Not in everything.
eliana said:
I don’t care if he thinks homosexuality is bad.
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It is a problematic statement given you made him on a Catholic forum and you asked for Catholics advise with what you called “liked-minded” people.
eliana said:
don’t necessarily agree with it either, but he knew when we had children that they might be gay or might have Down syndrome or anything. He should have been prepared for these risks.
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Sorry, but it is the worst statement to make. The vast majority of couple (more than 90%) would not be prepared of having down syndrome children and abort them in the average developped country.
And I don’t understand the parallel between homosexuality and trisomy.

Your husband had probably think of the possibility of having a homosexual child. Maybe hoped it would not happened. But to have think of it doesn’t mean that one should accepted to approve a child who is trying to “create” an homosexual family with the complicity of the civil law.

Do you think that your husband should never have had children himself?

It seems that the problem here is that you were both unprepared to manage the issue as a couple, as you disagree now, and probably disagree before.
 
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eliana said:
Yes, it was my mistake posting on here. I don’t think a lot of these answers truly represent our community. If an outsider were to see this forum, they’d probably assume we’re all hateful which is the last thing i want. Thank you so much, your answer is refreshing in such a sea of non-acceptance. I hope none of the people messaging me about how my son shouldn’t adopt and is bound to go to hell have children.
I might try out Reddit as I have heard they have more loving Catholic communities there. Thank you! May God be with you.
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Avoid Reddit! You are not going to get the support you desire there.
 
Always, always, tell him how you love him and that you support him in every good thing he does in his life. True love and support does not mean supporting same sex dating, so called marriage, adoption, sexual acts of any kind, etc. True love tells the truth to those in this lifestyle and you should be ready to support him in every way but sin. Supporting this relationship is not only wrong, it is evil. You are the one who should love him the most. Truly love him and help him out of this hell.

He should never talk about relationships or bring a “partner” to any family gathering. You should not go out with them like they are a couple. As soon as the more than friend topic is broached by your son and a friend you should be telling him that you cannot support him in that lifestyle. Be true to The Lord and His Gospel. Your son will see that you love him and learn from you that love is hard sacrificial work at times but that it does not lie and support evil. He will know where to go when he needs to repent.

I am praying for all in this situation. I do not see one person loving this young man well. What is wrong with that priest? Wow!
 
Matthew 10:34

34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

COMMENT: Estrangements within families of the kind you describe are, sadly, pretty common. *

**I have experienced the simultaneous estrangement from FIVE siblings, all of whom reject Christ. I remember the moment I visually saw Christ’s sword divide me spiritually from them. Interestingly, this was over a lesbian “wedding” in the family that I was excluded from because of my faith. There was a two second, blinding flash, like the sun, or a nuclear explosion, and I ‘heard’ the Lord say to my heart “It is over! Be done with these people!” It was absolutely terrifying, and I never want to behold that sword again in my life! Reunification was not an option for me, out of fear of the Lord.

Although I grieved, I took comfort because I KNEW the division was the will of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

In the Book of Judges, it is recounted that “The Lord divided two kings by placing an evil spirit between them.” The Lord desires the division. The evil spirit is the tool used by the Lord to accomplish his will.

You need the counsel of your Priest and you need Confession and Prayer. Marriage is a Sacrament by which man and woman BECOME ONE FLESH. Living the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony is a higher duty than your relationship with an adult son.

P.S.: If you draw close to your husband, in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, the Lord will bless you.
 
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