My husband won't help take kids to mass

[maryjk]

Bad advice! She has absolutely no right to do that, and our legal system would agree. If he is as loving and devoted as she says he would probably call an attorney and get a court order in place granting him joint custody until things with him and his wife get worked out.

Here are the facts: When you have children with someone, they are not your children to do with what you and only you see fit. They are in fact just as much the other parent’s children as they are yours. He does not have the right to belittle his wife, I’ll grant you that, but he actually does have the right to pass on his religious views. That’s why people need to be extremely careful in deciding who to have children with.

Trying to keep the children from him will not keep him from being the father, it will not mean that he can’t pass on his views, and it won’t mean that he doesn’t have access. What it will do is irreparable harm to their marriage even if they do eventually reconcile and make her look like a nut if he responds the way many people would-with a lawyer and divorce papers. “I had to leave to protect the children from hearing things against the Catholic church” does not hold up anywhere.

People are quick to jump in with “leave him,” “separate from him” or “go to a counselor.”

What people really need to do is sit down with their spouse and talk.

Now, with the husband telling the wife that she is ignorant and saying it in front of the children, it may take more than just talking it out. But that is the place to start.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Yeah, you’re right about restraining orders.
While we’re at it, reform the entire justice system.

 

[Chantal25]

When i started to pray the rosary and meditating on the mystery, my family life started to change for the best. After doing a one week fasting and prayer of the Mother Mary, my husband express interest to convert and now he is officially Catholic and come to mass more then Sunday since he has he first communion.

Miracle happen, don’t give up hope ever. Mother Mary is so wonderful, i now include St-Joseph in our prayer.

All the best to you!

 

[The_Bucket]

Yeah…that would result in a lot of restraining orders.

Unless it is a physically abusive situation it is a betrayal of your spouse to complain about them to someone else in hopes that person will take your side and “set them straight”. And, you know, like I said, restraining orders.

Giving a friend a deserved tongue lashing for sucking as a father and husband is a far cry from setting him straight physically. I wish someone took me aside two years ago and told me that I was being just a terrible person. Maybe it would have saved my wife some heartache. Maybe not, but you never know.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

went overboard on my post

edited

 

[jmcrae]

Bad advice! She has absolutely no right to do that, and our legal system would agree. If he is as loving and devoted as she says he would probably call an attorney and get a court order in place granting him joint custody until things with him and his wife get worked out. -

No, no - she never said anything about getting a legal separation or moving out. What she said was, don’t leave the kids alone with Daddy, and if he starts talking trash about the Church, separate them from him until he calms down.

So, for example, if he starts trash-talking, she could take the kids to the play room and get them going on a game. But they would still have dinner together, and they would still all live in the same house together.

He made a promise that he was going to help her raise the kids Catholic, so she has the right to distract the kids from his anti-Catholic speeches.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No, no - she never said anything about getting a legal separation or moving out. What she said was, don’t leave the kids alone with Daddy, and if he starts talking trash about the Church, separate them from him until he calms down.

So, for example, if he starts trash-talking, she could take the kids to the play room and get them going on a game. But they would still have dinner together, and they would still all live in the same house together.

He made a promise that he was going to help her raise the kids Catholic, so she has the right to distract the kids from his anti-Catholic speeches.

Read her first post where she says she would take the kids from him, pack up and stay with a relative who would take her in.

Taking a man’s children like that is not a good way to start a dialogue and improve a marriage.

 

[Cat]

Read her first post where she says she would take the kids from him, pack up and stay with a relative who would take her in.

Taking a man’s children like that is not a good way to start a dialogue and improve a marriage.

I agree that the first course of action is talking and negotiating a mutually-agreeable action plan.

It sounds like the OP is going to continue to take her children to Mass. I just hope that the situation doesn’t continue to escalate with the children until the mom is at a breaking point. Three tiny children at Mass is quite a load. Perhaps someone from the congregation will step up and help out with the children during the Mass.

There is a woman at our parish who seems in over her head to me (kids are absolute terrors, and she has a new baby). I’m not sure I agree with her approach, because she never ever speaks to the children during the Mass or attempts to curtail their hijinks (unless one of them attempts to run up into the sanctuary). She just sits there quietly, as if this example will teach her children how to behave during Mass. Finally last fall, a kind woman actually took the little toddler onto her lap and spoke quietly to her, and the toddler immediately bonded with this woman and was quiet and still. This is still the daily situation. So bless that kind woman for stepping up! Hopefully someone will help the OP with her children.

It’s the OP’s choice. If she feels that taking them to Mass is the best way to train them spiritually, then that’s fine, and I wish her well. But I just want to make sure that the OP understands that Holy Mother Church does NOT obligate young children to attend Mass. A lot of people don’t realize this.

I personally think that a “gradual exposure” of children to Mass is a good way to train them to love the Lord Jesus and His Mass, and I don’t see why this should “confuse” them if the parent is clear in advance about what will happen and how long they will stay at Mass.

I also think that parents are a child’s first “church” and Holy Mother Church talks about the importance of the “Domestic Church.” A parent can read Bible stories and saint stories to children at home, pray with them at home, and teach them about God and the Church at home. The Mass is not a place where young children will receive an age-appropriate catechesis.

If it were ME…and yes, I understand that it is not me…but IF it were me, I would rather spend the hour of Mass without the children in order to gain some refreshment and encouragement and be able to go home to my children renewed in spirit and ready to be an even better mother to them.

 

[robwar]

Op,
I have a couple of quick practical ideas for you. I realize that it is overwhelming to try and bring 3 children under 4 alone to Mass. I think though and fitting with my original post, you should focus on bringing just the oldest at the moment. Try to go if possible and your parish does this to a children liturgy of the word, where young children go up, receive a blessing and leave to listen to the reading and talk more on their level. Likewise, you can make this time a special time by having your oldest bring a child’s prayer book or even coloring book to sit and occupy themselves at Mass. Try to make it a special time with you and that child. Go out a get a small treat afterwards. Likewise, when the others are out of diapers and older, you can work them in. I totally disagree with the advise given that you are not obligated to bring young children to Mass. There is nothing in cannon law that states this. You should try still to start with one. Keep praying for your husband and don’t give up.

 

[504Katrin]

I like the idea of leaving the children home with Dad till they are old enough to participate in the Mass.

Get dressed up, go to Mass, and enjoy it uninterupted. Get together with some girlfriends, and go out to breakfast together. Maybe run an errand or two! Enjoy some child free time to refreash yourself! It’s an excellent idea!

We will pray for your hubby, in the mean time take care of yourself!

if she gets dressed up too much for church he might change his mind and want to go to church with her

 

[Reverie]

I totally disagree with the advise given that you are not obligated to bring young children to Mass. There is nothing in cannon law that states this. You should try still to start with one. Keep praying for your husband and don’t give up.

I don’t know about Cannon Law, but the Catechism of the Catholic Church does mention “the care of infants” as a serious reason for being excused from mass. Now, it is up to the OP to discern whether her children fit that description. She has already stated that she does not want to keep them from mass, and that is great! However, she needn’t (is that a real contraction?) feel guilty should she miss mass to care for her children.

CCC 2181

 

[robwar]

I don’t know about Cannon Law, but the Catechism of the Catholic Church does mention “the care of infants” as a serious reason for being excused from mass. Now, it is up to the OP to discern whether her children fit that description. She has already stated that she does not want to keep them from mass, and that is great! However, she needn’t (is that a real contraction?) feel guilty should she miss mass to care for her children.

CCC 2181

I understand and in her circumstances, it would be hard to manage 3 children under 4 and I presume at least two are in diapers. I think she should go to Mass and try to start with the oldest. I think the reference about missing Mass to the CCC to care for an infant would apply to the very youngest. What others suggested here is that a parent is not obligated which isn’t true at all.

 

[Reverie]

I said the mother is obligated, but the children are not. You are correct. I can not find anything that says at what age a child is obligated to attend mass. We can assume that infants aren’t obligated, since they are listed as a serious reason for someone who is obligated to be excused from mass attendance.

I feel that children aren’t obligated to do something that is impossible for them to do. Under the age of 7 they aren’t culpable for sin, isn’t that correct? They would not be sinning by missing mass. If a parent doesn’t take them to mass, that is not their fault, it’s the parent’s. They can’t get themselves to mass.

Perhaps I should not say that children are not obligated. Would it be more like their obligation is excused? (though no where does it say their obligation is excused either)

I’m not trying to be obtuse on this matter. I’m still forming my understanding.

Either way, I respect the OP for attempting to take them to mass anyway.

 

[Catholicmom33]

I guess I should’ve clarified that I have twins who will be 3 pretty soon, so I don’t have a single oldest child to bring with me. Those two work as a team.

The baby is 7 months. It’s work, but I’ll cringe if the kids start realizing that staying home with Dad on Sundays means fun and playing outside, but going with me is sitting and listening (even though we do cookies, lunch or something fun for lunch after).

This past Sunday, we gave them the choice, and they all followed me to the care. Maybe I can’t leave them even if I wanted to…lol.

Thanks again for all the replies and advice!

 

[Xantippe]

“I guess I should’ve clarified that I have twins who will be 3 pretty soon, so I don’t have a single oldest child to bring with me.”

That sounds better actually. If you can sit between the twins with the baby, that may be doable for the moment–the twins are very close to being a civilized age. I think I would start leaving the baby at home from around 1 to 2 or 3 and just go with the twins then. This is going to get much better very soon.

When the twins get to be of reading age, get Magnifikids (it’s a weekly kids’ missalette with stories about saints and other activities).

magnificat.net/magnifikid/index.asp

 

[Ophelia23]

I know this would also be hard with having the three little ones to juggle… But I find this helps with my three year old at the Mass. It might help with your twins! When we are about to do something at the Mass, I whisper in her ear what it is we are going to do. For example, I will whisper something like, “Next, we are going to stand for the Gospel. Those are the words of Jesus.” She understands that, and she stands up with me. Or during the petitions, I whisper, "They will say, “Let us pray to the Lord,” and you will say, “Lord hear our prayer!” And she does the responses with us because she knows what she is supposed to do. Don’t get me wrong–she is no angel at Mass sometimes!! But, I do find that keeping her totally abreast of what is going on helps in her behavior and even allows her to participate in ways.



Good luck, mama! I’m so proud of you. I know this is terribly difficult, and I wish you had the support of your husband. Take a little heart in knowing you have the support of the rest of this unified Body behind you, though.