My husband won't shower regularly; I won't get close to him because of smell

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shannyk said:
I really wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the depression though, or other mental health issue, because some people with depression can find it in them to ‘keep up appearances’ for instance as you said, to go out on a date night, or for golf outing etc.

Having said that, with all the attention he’s paying to facebook and his MANY ‘friends’, how well is he caring for your child? being a SAH father is not akin to babysitting, he should be paying the child plenty of attention. I hope he is.
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He can surf the internet non-stop and interact with his 800+ Facebook friends all evening and all weekend because that’s when I’m home. He gives our son good attention when he’s solo at home. The computer is on, though, so he sneaks over on occasion from what I’ve witnessed. Still, though, the entire time that I was home on maternity leave recovering from a C-section he wouldn’t help me lift the baby because he was so busy on the internet. I was overwhelmed during my 12 weeks of maternity leave doing so much, breastfeeding 'round the clock, baby-wearing my baby during all waking hours, and I *still *found time to shower and shave myself and he wouldn’t.

As far as depression goes, I still don’t think so. He says he doesn’t smell bad, so why should he shower? If ONLY he could smell himself from MY perspective! It’s such a terrible stench oftentimes, but he can’t smell himself.
 
This may come across as passive-aggressive to some but…have you thought about going without a shower yourself for days and days…let yourself smell the way you smell him. I wonder if he would notice??:eek:
 
Dear Everyone, 🙂

I just want to say, thank you for all this and for reading my original post and my follow-up replies. When you are in the middle of a situation, as I am, and another person is telling you that YOU are the one that is wrong and unaccepting, you begin to question if maybe YOU are the one that has the problem. You being to question if maybe you are not accepting enough, forgiving enough, Christ-like enough, etc. Many of you have written things that I couldn’t put into words, or you’ve given me insight with which I whole-heartedly agree, but I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Thank you for the validation.

I do have a very stubborn, uncompromising husband. His almost lack of a sex drive has been bizarre to me. It is difficult for me to talk to him because he won’t hear it. However, these issues are serious to me, and I need to talk to him about these in a strong way. I don’t know what will happen. One of these nights after I’ve put our baby to sleep, I will ask him to please remove himself from the internet so that I can speak to him, keeping in mind all that I’ve learned from all of you. Thank you all for your insights and bullet-points that I can use.
 
Just had a flashback.

I have a dear friend who couldn’t smell herself, and swore she didn’t smell, and so, didn’t need to use deodorant. Her habit was to undress, put her clothes in the hamper, then take a shower.

One day she broke this habit, because we were going somewhere, and she was running late. I was waiting for her. She hung her shirt on a chair.

When she got out of the shower, she picked up the shirt. She shouted, “Is THAT what I smell like?” and has used deodorant ever since.

So perhaps you could get him to smell a dirty shirt right after he gets out of one of those infrequent showers!

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
Razz(name removed by moderator) said:
This may come across as passive-aggressive to some but…have you thought about going without a shower yourself for days and days…let yourself smell the way you smell him. I wonder if he would notice??:eek:
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The poster has said she works fulltime - while it may be an effective method, her co-workers would bear the brunt as well. Maybe on holidays? The sniffing a dirty shirt sounds like a good idea - I know I notice lingering BO on shirts if I’ve been slack with personal hygiene!
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FloridaWife:
EXACTLY. If he has time to surf the internet for hours at a time, take naps on the weekends while I do full-time babycare, and go hit golf balls when I am home, he has time to shower. This is NOT a depression issues as others suggested.
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Respectfully, it is still possible that there is an element of depression to this. I’ve had depression. Even a depressed person can have some things they enjoy doing and will do what they perceive to be easy, (usually passive activities such as tv or internet).

This is opposed to the attitude towards things that they perceive to be a chore and an effort. Including, in my case, hygiene sometimes - but that was only when I was living alone and neither working nor studying.

I think you said he goes out with friends, is that the case? Perhaps ask them if they’ve noticed anything, and if they’d be willing to help you get the message through to him? If it’s as bad as you say, I can’t imagine no-one else has noticed.
 
FloridaWife said:
Good idea! I shall try this too!
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Floridawife, you’re being set-up to have some serious conflicts with your husband. Be careful with the advice you are getting. I caution you to act on everything.

Think about it for a week or two first.
 
FloridaWife said:
There’s such a thing as a-sexual? I will have to study this. Abstaining until marriage I understood, but in those first few months of marriage it was bizarre to me that he wasn’t approaching me for sex. It was bizarre to me that I had to initiate.

Thank you for your kind words at the end there. God bless you too. I am trying to do all things in a Godly and Catholic way.
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FloridaWife -

Yes there is such a thing as someone who is a-sexual or has low libido. Stats show that about 20 percent of men have what could be considered low libido. You are not the only wife out there struggling with a lack of intimacy and wondering what’s wrong!

Some other thoughts from reading others’ responses. One post talked about not neglecting oneself in the baby years. I think that’s solid advice, but in this case it goes one step farther - it’s important not to neglect your marriage, too. There’s more than one person being neglected here.

Also, you mentioned internet. The first thing that popped into my mind was perhaps there is an addiction issue? I am not a counselor and of course, don’t have enough info but… a person can be addicted to the internet itself or, be addicted to pornography on the internet. If he is valuing his internet time above his wife and family responsibilities - even to the point of neglecting his own hygiene… the internet may be a source of the problem. 😦

Last, another thought that came to mind… his loud defense of his actions is bothersome. Obviously, we can’t get a glimpse of your interactions here… we assume you are being kind and reasonable in your discussions. If that’s the case… no need to get loud and defensive and ugly about it unless something else is going on. Wish you the best.
 
Well, after reading all of these responses, I gotta say that “Mr Mom” has found his way to assert himself, and he’s not gonna back down.

I think there are libido issues, but I also think there are issues with this arrangement of who’s working and who’s staying home. If he really embraced his SAHD role, he wouldn’t let FloridaMom just take over in the evenings and weekends. I’m not sure he’s happy with this arrangement. Not clinically depressed, but not happy.

For an immediate fix, I would suggest that FloridaMom ‘entice’ Mr Mom into the shower occasionally for intimacy. This might not work if there is a power/esteem struggle going on, but it’s worth a try.

For the long term, this might require counseling to facilitate some communication between the two. I think that Mr Mom’s innate behavior (lack of a desire to shower) has become his masculine line in the sand.

(And, ladies, when you don’t shower for a day or two it isn’t as bad as a guy, you know?)
 
I had a long post that was lost. Grrr.
He was never really interested in sex throughout these past 4 years (as I did all the work and initiating when trying to get pregnant), and this is another problem. It’s all connected. I was finally driven to come here, because I really started to doubt myself.
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A few others have mentioned this before, but I want to underscore it. This is a HUGE RED FLAG for me. I mean huge. This situation is not about showering, not primarily anyway. There is something else going on here. You state that you aren’t worried about porn, but don’t discount the idea so quickly. A man who spends hours and hours online and isn’t very interested in making love to his wife is replacing his wife with virtual relationships, whether porn is involved or not. Internet addiction is a real possibility. Is it possible that he’s looking at porn while you’re gone at work? At night after you’re in bed? Have you ever checked the history on your internet browser? (Though a clever guy can easily get around that…)

Your situation sounds eerily similar to where I was a few years ago when I was newly married. MY DH stayed home full-time with our babies for several years. He was never, from the beginning of our marriage, very interested in sex. I was always the one initiating. He claimed to “just not be that physically interested.” He made me feel like I was the crazy one, wanting sex all the time. I found out later the reason he wasn’t interested was because he had an addiction to internet porn (which he viewed either when I was at work or after I’d gone to bed) and masturbation. Our computer was also in a public place, and when I was around, he was looking at his political blogs (he’s a total political junkie, too). He masturbated late at night before bed or while I was gone. I never suspected. He was also diagnosed with depression, which manifested very differently from how I thought-- he displayed anger and inward withdrawal rather than weepiness and sadness- and the porn was another symptom of that depression.

With some good Catholic counseling and Retrouvaille, and a lot of hard work, our marriage is stronger than ever, but I encourage you to be open to all the possibilities. It sounds like you’re going to talk to him, and please do, but don’t start with or even focus on showering as the issue here. It’s not. There is something else serious going on. Many prayers to you.
 
I just thought I’d drop in with my similar problem, so the OP isn’t alone! :rolleyes:

My DH does this too, only he can get stinky fast (farm work) and occasionally is too darn tired when he gets home and falls asleep without showering. I let that go. I keep a stick of deoderant by the bed and throw it at him when he’s bad (jokingly, lol).

his big malfunction is he’s dead set against brushing his teeth. says it ruins the enamel. which (apparently) protects you from cavities (I thought you brushed off the plaque… what do I know?) so talk abot morning breath! it’s hard to get intimate with someone you don’t want to kiss! add that with me, who can’t stand the fuzzy-tooth feeling, and brushes and flosses constantly, and it’s a mess. of course, he has NO cavities, I’m full of fillings and root canals, so it only makes him feel his point is correct. sheesh. I try to keep minty gum around as a hint, he takes it. 🙂

so, far as advice, maybe a cuddly shower together to get things rolling–and clean! (and make a big deal of how GOOD he smells. I bought my DH a bottle of cologne a while back and he knows I lose all self control when he wears it! I did make it clear it’s not a SUBSTITUTE for soap though! lol! same goes for shaving, which he doesn’t really love to do, but knows I like it) …I don’t think you are being petty at all, they want us to have shaved legs and pits, to have brushed hair, to look and smell nice, why shouldn’t we expect the same? if he wants to stink, let yourself get to be an amazon woman for a few days and he’ll see what you mean! lol good luck!!!
 
PaulinVA said:
Well, after reading all of these responses, I gotta say that “Mr Mom” has found his way to assert himself, and he’s not gonna back down.

I think there are libido issues, but I also think there are issues with this arrangement of who’s working and who’s staying home. If he really embraced his SAHD role, he wouldn’t let FloridaMom just take over in the evenings and weekends. I’m not sure he’s happy with this arrangement. Not clinically depressed, but not happy.

For an immediate fix, I would suggest that FloridaMom ‘entice’ Mr Mom into the shower occasionally for intimacy. This might not work if there is a power/esteem struggle going on, but it’s worth a try.

For the long term, this might require counseling to facilitate some communication between the two. I think that Mr Mom’s innate behavior (lack of a desire to shower) has become his masculine line in the sand.

(And, ladies, when you don’t shower for a day or two it isn’t as bad as a guy, you know?)
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*why are you calling her husband…Mr Mom? He is a man who is staying at home to take care of their child. This is something they decided together, and perhaps, he is not happy, I don’t know…but, that is a demeaning thing to call a SAHD. *
 
whatevergirl said:
*why are you calling her husband…Mr Mom? He is a man who is staying at home to take care of their child. This is something they decided together, and perhaps, he is not happy, I don’t know…but, that is a demeaning thing to call a SAHD. *
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I didn’t mean to be demeaning.

Haven’t you ever seen the movie? Michael Keaton became a pretty good SAHD, and came to his wife’s rescue.

Actually, where I am it’s sort of an affectionate term, as in “Tom’s being Mr Mom this weekend while his wife is in Florida.” Nothing bad meant by it.
 
PaulinVA said:
I didn’t mean to be demeaning.

Haven’t you ever seen the movie? Michael Keaton became a pretty good SAHD, and came to his wife’s rescue.

Actually, where I am it’s sort of an affectionate term, as in “Tom’s being Mr Mom this weekend while his wife is in Florida.” Nothing bad meant by it.
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okay.*
 
FloridaWife, when was the last time your husband had a complete physical? There are several things that could be in play, separately or together. Chief among them: he could have low testosterone (causing lack of sex drive, irritability, moodiness and lethargy); or he could truly be depressed. You know him better than we do, obviously, but depression in men manifests far, far differently than it does in women. Depression in men often shows itself in exactly the ways you’ve described: lack of interest in sex, lack of personnal hygiene, unwarranted angry outbursts, a desire to retreat into things that allow him NOT to deal with life (e.g. playing sports, excessive internet usage, watching TV for hours on end, anything that allows him to be away from the pressures and demands of real life).
Whatever the real issues in the marriage, I certainly pray that you and he are able to overcome them.
 
I’m also thinking depression or some other health problem. Would he be willing to get checked out?
 
juno24 said:
FloridaWife, when was the last time your husband had a complete physical? There are several things that could be in play, separately or together. Chief among them: he could have low testosterone (causing lack of sex drive, irritability, moodiness and lethargy); or he could truly be depressed. You know him better than we do, obviously, but depression in men manifests far, far differently than it does in women. Depression in men often shows itself in exactly the ways you’ve described: lack of interest in sex, lack of personnal hygiene, unwarranted angry outbursts, a desire to retreat into things that allow him NOT to deal with life (e.g. playing sports, excessive internet usage, watching TV for hours on end, anything that allows him to be away from the pressures and demands of real life).
Whatever the real issues in the marriage, I certainly pray that you and he are able to overcome them.
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and remain compassionate and loving towards your husband. don’t approach him with some of the examples on this thread. don’t act petty or mean and remember that two wrongs don’t make a right.

if you guys need help to communicate, tell him that you’re both going on a marriage encounter weekend, etc. and find a sitter if you can.
 
WHAT DID YOUR HUSBAND DO FOR A LIVING?

I saw this thread days ago, and was tempted to contribute, but then I thought I’d be torn to shreds so I abstained. I keep getting drawn back here for some reason, and the one thing I’ve noticed while I’ve been lurking is that never once has it been said what FloridaWife’s husband did for a living before becoming a SAHD. (I hesitate to point this out, but oh what the hell, I’m doomed anyway–if you pronounce SAHD it sounds like “sad.” :()

So what did your husband do, FloridaWife? What were/are his dreams and aspirations? Has he failed at any of them? I say this because (deep breath) **I was a husband that didn’t shower regularly for a long time **:eek:. Yes that’s right, me, Nom the Wise (aka Nom with Flies). My wife and I are seperated now. We have an almost 3-year-old son. I was unemployed for about 6 months last year, but our marital troubles began long before unemployment.

The reason I ask this about your husband is that many men get great self-fulfilment by what they do for a living (I’m not saying women don’t, but it’s different for a man). You have continually flat-out dismissed that your husband is depressed. He is. It may not be chronic, it may not need medication, but it’s depression. I was there. Actually, since my wife and I seperated, I’m there again but that’s another issue. At least when I don’t shower now my wife doesn’t have to smell it.

I’m 41, only three years older than you and your husband. I’ve had a troubled professional life. I was once a guitar player, had a band and wanted to be a rock star. I had the odd job or two, but music was my passion. Over the years I got carpul tunnel and so I can’t play at the level where I was anymore. I still miss it. I’ve always been religious, and seriously discerned a vocation to the priesthood in the seminary. While at the University, I began studying writing (I was always a writer but had never studied it). My vocation to priesthood fell apart due to scandals I saw at the seminary but my writing helped get me through, gave me new hope. After seminary, I went to grad school and got an MFA in writing (met my soon-to-be ex-wife) and began getting published a little. I felt very happy then, and showered just about every single day!:D. I still harbored regret and mourning in my heart about my music and my “lost” vocation, but I was getting married and some journals noticed me and I had a chance at something new. I began teaching (something I always wanted to do but didn’t have the education), a year of high school and then 5 years of college. I loved my job! I loved my wife! We got pregnant! I was so happy! **AND CLEAN! **But I taught college as an adjunct. I was barely able to bring enough money in AS A COLLEGE INSTRUCTOR, so when my wife got pregnant I took a *third *job as a security guard. Eventually I quit the college that paid me the least (due to exhaustion), and then became injured on the security job, so I had only one teaching job left. I lost the last teaching job because one of the college administrators had a son in my class, and the son didn’t turn in work but the administrator wanted me to pass him anyway and long story short I didn’t pass him and found myself out of work. On top of this I was submitting my poetry manuscript to presses all around the country, and the thing *still *isn’t published. All the while my wife (through the stress of wondering how we’d support our son, which I shared with her) began hating my art, hating the fact that I wasn’t bringing in enough money despite that I was doing what I loved, and suddenly I lost them all. I was a failed musician, a failed vocation, a failed teacher, slowly but surely becoming a failed husband, and a failed writer/poet. All of my dreams were dying or dead (this is still the case). Oh, and we slowly stopped going to church or having sex.

The only reason I’m providing the narrative is to point out that not showering everyday is only the tip of the flames, NOT the base of the fire. I felt DEAD inside. The love for my son is the only thing that made me eventually go back to work in security, to bring something home while I applied for other jobs. A man wants to leave his children a Legacy. Maybe not all men, but I certainly do. It might be irrational, but it’s real.

Why hasn’t it ever come up what your husband did? Passive agressive behavior? Maybe. A cry for help? Certainly. He may not be watching porn on that computer, but believe you me, he’s masturbating. It can be a compulsion for a man that feels no pleasure. He may be able to smile and chat with friends but that doesn’t make him not depressed.

I’m truly not trying to shift any pity (or anger) at me, but to provide myself as a concrete illustration. As a last thought, I would ask you to consider where has your husband failed at life? All men fail. All people fail. What was he? What did he always want to be? Has he failed? Different men mourn differently than other men, and you can’t always tell that we are (unless you can smell our armpits from a distance–then you know). Sometimes we don’t even know what it is, or how to explain it.

Okay. Open fire.
 
juno24 said:
FloridaWife, when was the last time your husband had a complete physical? There are several things that could be in play, separately or together. Chief among them: he could have low testosterone (causing lack of sex drive, irritability, moodiness and lethargy); or he could truly be depressed. You know him better than we do, obviously, but depression in men manifests far, far differently than it does in women. Depression in men often shows itself in exactly the ways you’ve described: lack of interest in sex, lack of personnal hygiene, unwarranted angry outbursts, a desire to retreat into things that allow him NOT to deal with life (e.g. playing sports, excessive internet usage, watching TV for hours on end, anything that allows him to be away from the pressures and demands of real life).
Whatever the real issues in the marriage, I certainly pray that you and he are able to overcome them.
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I agree with this. He should have a complete physical and a doctor should make the determination whether or not depression is involved here. The OP may not think this is the problem, but depression is a lot more than just crying and sadness behaviors. And some people hide it VERY well. I did and nobody had a clue that was my problem.
 
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