My Husband

[SeminoleGirl22]

My husband is sitting right now watching “Dogma” downstairs with 2 of his friends.

i went down there to ask him when he wanted to eat dinner, and there he was watching that evil attack on Catholicism. i nearly fell over i was so mad.

of all things he watches, including pornography, i cant believe he’d watch that movie that does nothing but make fun of catholics. and in MY house too.

he said “oh, it’s all in good fun. lighten up and take a prozac.”

i feel like i should set the TV and the basement on fire to try and get rid of the filth. dont i have a right in my own house to be free of that kind of thing? about 30 min ago i called Comcast to go ahead and cancel the cable, but because his name is on the account, they won’t let me.

since when do businesses stop recognizing marriages of people? how can the bank, the phone and cable companies, the utilities, all of them, not allow me to do anything because my name is not on them? they said that HE has to add my name and it doesnt matter if we are married or not, the original holder has to give the OK. when a couple marries, shouldnt companies automatically add the spouse to the accounts?

at Wachovia, i cannot get them to add my name to his account. i have gone there 3 or more times, begged, pleaded, taken them the marriage certificate, made copies of community property laws in Florida and tallahasse, and they still wont give me access. they need HIS signature, which he wont give until we start having sex again.

he has all the power. the house is in his name, all the bills except my car and car insurance, and 2 bank accounts he has.
i have my own bank acount with direct deposit, but i still should have a say with how he handles his money. if i raise an issue about it, he says “call the bank and ask them to close my account. hehe”.

he makes more than enough money, but the point is that he just does what he wants, watches what he wants, and spends what he wants without caring what i think.

i finally came to my wits end, and consulted a lawyer about separating, but because the house and everything else is in his sole name, i would have to be the one to leave and find my own place, and pay my own bills. there is no spousal support for separations. he is holding all the cards, and i feel helpless. i could try an ex parte order to make him leave, but the lawyer said i would have to convincingly show that i was in physical danger or being abused. which he said just igonoring a person doesnt fall into.

why cant a judge just make him add me to the accounts, and then make him leave the house until he shapes up?

 

[Karin]

SeminoleGirl22:

My husband is sitting right now watching “Dogma” downstairs with 2 of his friends.

i went down there to ask him when he wanted to eat dinner, and there he was watching that evil attack on Catholicism. i nearly fell over i was so mad.

of all things he watches, including pornography, i cant believe he’d watch that movie that does nothing but make fun of catholics. and in MY house too.

he said “oh, it’s all in good fun. lighten up and take a prozac.”

i feel like i should set the TV and the basement on fire to try and get rid of the filth. dont i have a right in my own house to be free of that kind of thing? about 30 min ago i called Comcast to go ahead and cancel the cable, but because his name is on the account, they won’t let me.

since when do businesses stop recognizing marriages of people? how can the bank, the phone and cable companies, the utilities, all of them, not allow me to do anything because my name is not on them? they said that HE has to add my name and it doesnt matter if we are married or not, the original holder has to give the OK. when a couple marries, shouldnt companies automatically add the spouse to the accounts?
No…and I have an account that I would not want my husband to be able to touch or have access too…it is for my children and only for them!

at Wachovia, i cannot get them to add my name to his account. i have gone there 3 or more times, begged, pleaded, taken them the marriage certificate, made copies of community property laws in Florida and tallahasse, and they still wont give me access. they need HIS signature, which he wont give until we start having sex again.

he has all the power. the house is in his name, all the bills except my car and car insurance, and 2 bank accounts he has.
i have my own bank acount with direct deposit, but i still should have a say with how he handles his money. if i raise an issue about it, he says “call the bank and ask them to close my account. hehe”.

he makes more than enough money, but the point is that he just does what he wants, watches what he wants, and spends what he wants without caring what i think.

i finally came to my wits end, and consulted a lawyer about separating, but because the house and everything else is in his sole name, i would have to be the one to leave and find my own place, and pay my own bills. there is no spousal support for separations. he is holding all the cards, and i feel helpless. i could try an ex parte order to make him leave, but the lawyer said i would have to convincingly show that i was in physical danger or being abused. which he said just igonoring a person doesnt fall into.

why cant a judge just make him add me to the accounts, and then make him leave the house until he shapes up?

If you have your own acounts (bank) why do you need to be on his accounts(bank)? And in regards to the utility companies they are right it is just like a credit card company…whoever holds the account has to add (authorize) another person to be on it…same witha bank account…it does not matter that your state is a community state…this only matters when you actually divorce…then he has to share those funds.
And why should he leave his house?
Now as a married couple you should have a say in how he spends his money and your name should be on the deed to the house!

 

[Vincent1560]

SeminoleGirl22:

My husband is sitting right now watching “Dogma” downstairs with 2 of his friends.

i went down there to ask him when he wanted to eat dinner, and there he was watching that evil attack on Catholicism. i nearly fell over i was so mad.

of all things he watches, including pornography, i cant believe he’d watch that movie that does nothing but make fun of catholics. and in MY house too.

he said “oh, it’s all in good fun. lighten up and take a prozac.”

i feel like i should set the TV and the basement on fire to try and get rid of the filth. dont i have a right in my own house to be free of that kind of thing? about 30 min ago i called Comcast to go ahead and cancel the cable, but because his name is on the account, they won’t let me.

since when do businesses stop recognizing marriages of people? how can the bank, the phone and cable companies, the utilities, all of them, not allow me to do anything because my name is not on them? they said that HE has to add my name and it doesnt matter if we are married or not, the original holder has to give the OK. when a couple marries, shouldnt companies automatically add the spouse to the accounts?

at Wachovia, i cannot get them to add my name to his account. i have gone there 3 or more times, begged, pleaded, taken them the marriage certificate, made copies of community property laws in Florida and tallahasse, and they still wont give me access. they need HIS signature, which he wont give until we start having sex again.

he has all the power. the house is in his name, all the bills except my car and car insurance, and 2 bank accounts he has.
i have my own bank acount with direct deposit, but i still should have a say with how he handles his money. if i raise an issue about it, he says “call the bank and ask them to close my account. hehe”.

he makes more than enough money, but the point is that he just does what he wants, watches what he wants, and spends what he wants without caring what i think.

i finally came to my wits end, and consulted a lawyer about separating, but because the house and everything else is in his sole name, i would have to be the one to leave and find my own place, and pay my own bills. there is no spousal support for separations. he is holding all the cards, and i feel helpless. i could try an ex parte order to make him leave, but the lawyer said i would have to convincingly show that i was in physical danger or being abused. which he said just igonoring a person doesnt fall into.

why cant a judge just make him add me to the accounts, and then make him leave the house until he shapes up?

I don’t mean to pry but it sounds like you guys are having larger issues. The fact that you are refusing him sex and looking into separation indicates there is probably more to it than tv shows he is watching and whose name is on what acounts. I would suggest if he is willing that you guys try getting counseling from a Christian marriage counselor (secular ones often have distorted views on marriage). And granted I don’t know the dynamics, but barring extreme circumstances (such as infidelity or violence) witholding sex is something I would pray long and hard about before doing. I have rarely heard of cases where denying a spouse relations strengthened the marriage or got them to change undesired behavior; it often makes things worse.

 

[deb1]

I am sorry for your problems Seminole GIrl. It sounds, though, like what you have been trying is not working. Please go to a therapist, either together or alone. It isn’t that I think that you are crazy- far from it. But an outside source might be better able to help you put things in perspective.

As far as denying sex…I doubt that this will work. It becomes a power play between you two.

 

[Princess_Abby]

If you all look at SeminoleGirl’s past posts, you might find some deeper insight into her situation. Her husband is a porn addict and has offered her money for sex, etc.

 

[Vincent1560]

Princess_Abby:

If you all look at SeminoleGirl’s past posts, you might find some deeper insight into her situation. Her husband is a porn addict and has offered her money for sex, etc.

I did just that and had an idea. Seminole girl, you mentioned that your husband is a Methodist and still attends church. Maybe he would be receptive to marriage counseling with his minister. With the exception of non-abortofacient contraception, Catholics and Protestants have very similar views on family and marriage. It is worth a shot. God Bless, you are in my prayers.

 

[SeminoleGirl22]

Vincent1560:

The fact that you are refusing him sex and looking into separation indicates there is probably more to it than tv shows he is watching and whose name is on what acounts. …but barring extreme circumstances (such as infidelity or violence) witholding sex is something I would pray long and hard about before doing. I have rarely heard of cases where denying a spouse relations strengthened the marriage or got them to change undesired behavior; it often makes things worse.

i absolutely did not save myself for 20 some odd years and wait unti marriage for sex, to have sex when my husband is committing such sin. no way on earth. people are not supposed to take communion when in a state of mortal sin. right? communion is more sacramental, revered and holy than sex, correct? than what would make people think that a husband in states of multiple mortal sins should be entitled to something less than communion? (sex)? sex is part of the sacrament of marriage, so why should i taint the sacrament with his terrible habits?

i saved myself for him, but what does he do? when i wont have sex with him because i feel degraded and violated, he watches more pornography and masturbates. do you really think i want to have sex with a man who does that, i mean after waiting all my life for sex to be special and between US alone and not just HIM?

thats the half of it. although he relieves sexual frustration by MB, he does want to have sex with me. sometimes he just says “i want to _______”. or he turns everything i say into a twisted and double meaning statement thinking its funny and seductive. also, inappropriate touching of me when he knows that i dont want to have sex until he cleans his act up, but he still grabs my behind or my chest thinking it will arouse me toward sex.

i told him the next time he touches me where only married couples should, had better be several months AFTER he cleans his ways up and i feel hes broken the habit.

and for the record, the last time we had sex was the last night of our honeymoon 6 odd months ago. i found the pornography while putting some of my books into the basement armoire when i was moving in, and weve been fighting about it ever since. and i am sorely losing. how do you think it feels to wait 22 years for sex, have it only 4 times, and then not have it for 6 months because he’s doing what hes doing?

i understand why the last time we had sex made me feel so uncomforatble. he wanted to do and say things that just made me feel yucky. he did say stuff that floored me. and i should have known that it was because hes got a twisted view of sex.

 

[Vincent1560]

SeminoleGirl22:

i absolutely did not save myself for 20 some odd years and wait unti marriage for sex, to have sex when my husband is committing such sin. no way on earth. people are not supposed to take communion when in a state of mortal sin. right? communion is more sacramental, revered and holy than sex, correct? than what would make people think that a husband in states of multiple mortal sins should be entitled to something less than communion? (sex)? sex is part of the sacrament of marriage, so why should i taint the sacrament with his terrible habits?

i saved myself for him, but what does he do? when i wont have sex with him because i feel degraded and violated, he watches more pornography and masturbates. do you really think i want to have sex with a man who does that, i mean after waiting all my life for sex to be special and between US alone and not just HIM?

thats the half of it. although he relieves sexual frustration by MB, he does want to have sex with me. sometimes he just says “i want to _______”. or he turns everything i say into a twisted and double meaning statement thinking its funny and seductive. also, inappropriate touching of me when he knows that i dont want to have sex until he cleans his act up, but he still grabs my behind or my chest thinking it will arouse me toward sex.

i told him the next time he touches me where only married couples should, had better be several months AFTER he cleans his ways up and i feel hes broken the habit.

and for the record, the last time we had sex was the last night of our honeymoon 6 odd months ago. i found the pornography while putting some of my books into the basement armoire when i was moving in, and weve been fighting about it ever since. and i am sorely losing. how do you think it feels to wait 22 years for sex, have it only 4 times, and then not have it for 6 months because he’s doing what hes doing?

i understand why the last time we had sex made me feel so uncomforatble. he wanted to do and say things that just made me feel yucky. he did say stuff that floored me. and i should have known that it was because hes got a twisted view of sex.

I did go back and read your previous threads and I think your circumstances are extreme. It seems obvious that your husband married you without understanding what a marriage was. He seems very immature and his “I pay the bills I do what I want attitude” exemplifies that he does not understand the concept of marriage. Since he seems to be showing no desire or inclination to work on your marriage I think that your witholding sex is a justified response, not because it is a punishment but because you have the right not be degraded and used as a sex object which is how he seems to view the marriage relationship. You mentioned that he was a practicing Methodist; it might be helpful to see if he would be willing to go to marriage counseling at his church with his minister. That way he has the terretorial advantage and will hopefully fell secure enough to agree to it. God Bless. I will pray for you.

 

[snoopy]

Vincent1560:

I don’t mean to pry but it sounds like you guys are having larger issues. The fact that you are refusing him sex and looking into separation indicates there is probably more to it than tv shows he is watching and whose name is on what acounts. I would suggest if he is willing that you guys try getting counseling from a Christian marriage counselor (secular ones often have distorted views on marriage). And granted I don’t know the dynamics, but barring extreme circumstances (such as infidelity or violence) witholding sex is something I would pray long and hard about before doing. I have rarely heard of cases where denying a spouse relations strengthened the marriage or got them to change undesired behavior; it often makes things worse.

Wait a minute!!! I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either. Isn’t sex supposed to be an expression of love between 2 people who love each other and are on the same wavelength? Good Grief! This sounds like anything but that. A couple has to come together in a meeting of the minds before they can have sex that strengthens their bond. This couple needs serious help and just “giving him sex” isn’t going to solve anything. He sounds to me like he has issues with porn and control and respect and a host of other things. Your suggestion of going to a Christian Counselor is very sound though. I would make an appointment ASAP. Good luck, and I will say a prayer for you.

 

[Trelow]

Sounds like he’s a real pice of work. I’m terribly sorry. It’s a shame that there are so few boys who ever grow up to be men.

I’d love to stomp a mudhole in him for ya, but other than that not much advise I can give. The boy needs to learn what it is to be a man. You can’t do that for him.

 

[Pentecost2005]

You’ve only been married six months and already this is what you get? Sounds like you might very well have grounds for a declaration of nullity. If you were my sister, I would counsel you to bail.

 

[dljl]

Trelow:

It’s a shame that there are so few boys who ever grow up to be men.

Even though I share your sentiments, comments like this are inappropriate.

 

[Della]

Pentecost2005:

You’ve only been married six months and already this is what you get? Sounds like you might very well have grounds for a declaration of nullity. If you were my sister, I would counsel you to bail.

I agree. He obviously has no intention of ever changing or growing up. And be thankful your name ISN’T on his credit cards. If you do get a divorce, his credit card companies can’t come after you for any debts he hasn’t paid.

Girlfriend, move out. Get a job and let him go and get on with your life. There is a good man out there who wants what you do just as much as you do who would be thrilled to have a wife who wants to truly have a solid Catholic marriage. You have been deceived and used by this man long enough. Cut your losses and RUN!!!

 

[mumto5]

I would talk to your priest. I think you would have no problems getting an anullment.

 

[AmISearching]

I agree - I would look at it as being thankful that you’re not on his accounts. To me it seems like he is a completely different person than the person you thought you were marrying.

I know you said that then you’ll have to move out and find someplace to live, and that you won’t get any money from him, but if you only married him 6 months ago, then you were supporting yourself before then, were you not?

 

[kage_ar]

A bit of space would be a good idea (my husband and I had a marriage saved because of the conversions that took place during a 3 month separation). You cannot change another person, the Holy Spirit can do an AMAZING re-work

When it comes to finding a place to stay, I’d be willing to bet that you have someone – friend or family – who will be willing to give you a couch to sleep on. If you have no friends and no family, begin looking at the Parish – someone will open their arms to you.

Keep praying, stay close to the sacraments.

 

[Trelow]

dljl:

Even though I share your sentiments, comments like this are inappropriate.

No they are not. Our culture has lost true masculinity.

 

[dafalax]

Dear Seminole Girl, i truly feel horrible for the circumstances you are in. It really does seem like you have married a child unwittingly. You did everything right by saving yourself, etc. He has such far reaching problems and a deep lack of respect for you. His sexual attitudes are anything but loving and his disrespect of your faith is just not something you do to someone you love. Please separate and pray to God to see if an annulment is where He is leading you. It seems like a woman with such strength of conviction could become bitter and ruined if you stay in this situation much longer. Please stay close to the Lord (perhaps sit before the Blessed Sacrament for a time) and let Him heal you and guide you through this crisis. I will pray for you and your unfortunate husband.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Not to keep giving a re-cap, but if I remember SeminoleGirl’s other posts, her priest is adamant that she would not qualify for an annullment and will not proceed to the diocese for her case.

SG–maybe you can elaborate more on why your priest continues to say that you won’t qualify. This sounds like such an obvious case worth exploring. ALSO. I believe that YOU can call your diocesesan tribunal whether or not your priest chooses to be helpful. His opinion is only his opinion and I think everyone is allowed to request an investigation into their marriage.

 

[AmISearching]

Princess_Abby:

Not to keep giving a re-cap, but if I remember SeminoleGirl’s other posts, her priest is adamant that she would not qualify for an annullment and will not proceed to the diocese for her case.

SG–maybe you can elaborate more on why your priest continues to say that you won’t qualify. This sounds like such an obvious case worth exploring. ALSO. I believe that YOU can call your diocesesan tribunal whether or not your priest chooses to be helpful. His opinion is only his opinion and I think everyone is allowed to request an investigation into their marriage.

Also - (now take this all with a grain of salt as I’m not Catholic (yet!) and I don’t know how all of this goes on) - I would talk to another priest (though Princess Abby has a good point for you about if you can go ahead and go “over the Priests head” so to speak, but perhaps another priest might be more sympathetic to your problems SG?

It just doesn’t seem right to me that we have cases of couples who are married for years and have many kids who can get an annulment (or rather get the marriage nullified) and yet someone in your situation can’t (and I understand that there is much I have no clue about on how they determine annulments, I’m just speaking completely on a human idea of fairness here =)

Mostly this whole thing just makes me angry - I hate that anyone has had to go through what you have gone through…