My Husband

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you know, the more i thimk about it, the more i realize how cocky he’s got and how he developed this arrogant attitude. right before we got married, he got a absolutely HUGE promition at the company he works at.

see, he is a computer and math genius. his main purpose is to hack systems LEGALLY for companies to test their vulnerabilties. when someone thinks they have a failsafe system, they usually call him and he wipes it out in a few hours or days.

he once showed me this “challenge” given by the creators of a software/product protection package that claimed it hasnt been “cracked” for almost 5 years. they issue a “challenge” to the hackers and crackers of the internet daring them to try. he sat me down and he actually was able to falsely register the software as i watched after he figured it out. it kind of made me worried that he is able to do that kind of thing. 5 years and he does it in 2 days?

chosenbytes.com/challenge.php

he sent them company an email and digital picture of the screen, and actually ended up with a legal letter from them because he didnt “formally” enter the challenge, and was in violation of the license agreement for hacking it without permission. he almost ended up getting sued over it, and had to sign an agreement that he would never publish or reveal how he did it. talk about an ego trip for him. they still dont admit that someone ever hacked it.

between that, the promotion, and his new look, hes been a downright jerk.

i dont think i was decieved by him, hes just let everything get to his head, and now he cant fit through the door of reality. it just happened to start right around the time we got married because he got that promition.

he can do just about anything he wants at work. his hourly bill rate is probably more than most high profile defense attorneys. hes so arrogant it is sickening.

hes been to government job fairs a few months ago looking for job opportunities, and the CIA, the DIA, the department of Defense, the NSA, Army OSI, Naval NCIS, Homeland Security, FBI, ATF, DEA, Secret Service, US Marshals, Customs, Microsoft, Adobe, Corel, all have given him job offers. he has a stack of business cards from them ALL.

if one more person tells him how “good” he is, his head just might explode. does anyone, and i mean anyone know how to get that concrete block (not chip) knocked off his shoulder?
 
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Princess_Abby:
Not to keep giving a re-cap, but if I remember SeminoleGirl’s other posts, her priest is adamant that she would not qualify for an annullment and will not proceed to the diocese for her case.

SG–maybe you can elaborate more on why your priest continues to say that you won’t qualify. This sounds like such an obvious case worth exploring. ALSO. I believe that YOU can call your diocesesan tribunal whether or not your priest chooses to be helpful. His opinion is only his opinion and I think everyone is allowed to request an investigation into their marriage.
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I agree fully. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have grounds for an annullment, anyway.
 
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SeminoleGirl22:
you know, the more i thimk about it, the more i realize how cocky he’s got and how he developed this arrogant attitude. right before we got married, he got a absolutely HUGE promition at the company he works at.

see, he is a computer and math genius. his main purpose is to hack systems LEGALLY for companies to test their vulnerabilties. when someone thinks they have a failsafe system, they usually call him and he wipes it out in a few hours or days.

he once showed me this “challenge” given by the creators of a software/product protection package that claimed it hasnt been “cracked” for almost 5 years. they issue a “challenge” to the hackers and crackers of the internet daring them to try. he sat me down and he actually was able to falsely register the software as i watched after he figured it out. it kind of made me worried that he is able to do that kind of thing. 5 years and he does it in 2 days?

chosenbytes.com/challenge.php

he sent them company an email and digital picture of the screen, and actually ended up with a legal letter from them because he didnt “formally” enter the challenge, and was in violation of the license agreement for hacking it without permission. he almost ended up getting sued over it, and had to sign an agreement that he would never publish or reveal how he did it. talk about an ego trip for him. they still dont admit that someone ever hacked it.

between that, the promotion, and his new look, hes been a downright jerk.

i dont think i was decieved by him, hes just let everything get to his head, and now he cant fit through the door of reality. it just happened to start right around the time we got married because he got that promition.

he can do just about anything he wants at work. his hourly bill rate is probably more than most high profile defense attorneys. hes so arrogant it is sickening.

hes been to government job fairs a few months ago looking for job opportunities, and the CIA, the DIA, the department of Defense, the NSA, Army OSI, Naval NCIS, Homeland Security, FBI, ATF, DEA, Secret Service, US Marshals, Customs, Microsoft, Adobe, Corel, all have given him job offers. he has a stack of business cards from them ALL.

if one more person tells him how “good” he is, his head just might explode. does anyone, and i mean anyone know how to get that concrete block (not chip) knocked off his shoulder?
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Correct me, but didn’t your husband pretend to be a devout man of chastity and willing to wait until marriage to express sexual love? Then suddenly he’s a porn addict and demanding sex in exchange for money to pay bills, refusing to make you an equal member of the household, etc. (Which is what you’ve stated in previous threads.)

How is that not deception?

How is masturbation
 
Peace be with you!

I would STRONGLY suggest you order Jimmy Akin’s new little booklet on annulments. I haven’t read it yet (perhaps someone else can and will be able to further explain it), but it has all the information you need to know about annulments–why you can get one, why you can’t, ect.
Infidelity is grounds for an annulment (my father recieved one for his first marriage). According to Christopher West (and keep in mind, his book DOES contain an Imprimatur), masturbation is a form of infidelity. I’m not sure if JPII says the same thing, but I’ll check for you and if I find it I’ll link you to it and you can take it and show your priest.

But until you figure out what to do, pray pray pray and go to adoration!!!

In Christ,
Rand
 
Peace be with you!

From catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0096.html
The free exchange of consent properly witnessed by the Church establishes the marriage bond. Sexual union consummates it — seals it, completes it, perfects it. Sexual union, then, is where the words of the wedding vows become flesh. The very “language” that God has inscribed in sexual intercourse is the language of the marriage covenant: the free commitment to a union of love that is indissoluble, faithful, and open to children.

If spouses willfully contradict any of these goods of marriage in their sexual expressions, marital intimacy becomes less than God intended it to be. In turn, spouses, rather than renewing their vows through intercourse, contradict them. In practical terms, how healthy would a marriage be if spouses were regularly unfaithful to their vows? On the other hand, how healthy would a marriage be if spouses regularly renewed their vows, expressing an ever-increasing commitment to them?

The often disputed sexual moral teachings of the Church become lucid when seen through this lens. Like all sacramental realities, if sexual union (as the consummate expression of the sacrament of marriage) is truly to communicate God’s life and love, then it must accurately symbolize it.

Sexual union that is free, total, faithful, and open to new life (i.e., sexual union that truly expresses wedding vows) symbolizes and participates in the communion of Christ and the Church. Masturbation, fornication, adultery, intentionally sterilized sex, homosexual acts, etc. — none of these accurately symbolize, and thus never bring about the love of Christ for the Church. None of these behaviors are marital. Thus, for sexual union to consummate a marriage it must be performed in a “human manner” and be “per se suitable for the generation of children.”

Take a look at this one, too:
nfpoutreach.org/Hogan_New_Vision_sins.htm#c1

I’ll keep looking.

In Christ,
Rand
 
He thinks you have all the power because you withhold sex. There is much wrong with your sexual relationship but nevertheless, that is the primary way that men connect.

Maybe you can propose a compromise. Sex in return for mutual (Catholic) counselling, a Retrouvaille weekend or a study of Theology of the Body.

You do have reason to withhold sex and that is your limited right in these circumstances. Still given this standoff I doubt that things will improve.

I would guess he thinks to himself, “How can she expect me to live up to her expectations when she is depriving me of something so essential. She is not living what she preaches.”

Don’t expect him to take the lead and be the more mature person. You will be waiting a long time.
 
C S P B:
He thinks you have all the power because you withhold sex. There is much wrong with your sexual relationship but nevertheless, that is the primary way that men connect.

Maybe you can propose a compromise. Sex in return for mutual (Catholic) counselling, a Retrouvaille weekend or a study of Theology of the Body.

You do have reason to withhold sex and that is your limited right in these circumstances. Still given this standoff I doubt that things will improve.

I would guess he thinks to himself, “How can she expect me to live up to her expectations when she is depriving me of something so essential. She is not living what she preaches.”

Don’t expect him to take the lead and be the more mature person. You will be waiting a long time.
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I wouldn’t blame you if you did not take this advice. I imagine the thought of having sex with him makes you sick. Don’t feel guilty. If sex is the primary way that men connect,as the above poster stated, then they need to re-examine their consciences. Connecting should be through love, and communication and kindness, etc, etc, etc. There is a major difference between loving sex and selfish sex.
 
If your husband had a porn/masturbation addiction before you got married, then he was not free to marry which means that your marriage is not sacramental which means you have grounds for an anullment. However if he was not addicted to these things, but only struggling with them, then you do not have grounds for an anullment. Maybe you should check it out. Find out if you guys should have your marriage anulled.
 
Wow, I haven’t heard anyone mention this yet, but I suggest that we all offer up a Mass for you and your husband. I have never been married but am sure that divorce is the last thing a married person wants. I will pray for you and offer Mass up for your marriage. God bless you and know that God hears your prayers although the answers may not be obvious.
 
Seminole Girl,

I feel obliged to point out that your husband is not the only one who is acting immaturely.

Please don’t think I’m not sympathetic! You got a really raw deal. But some of the things you do tend to make it worse, not better.

You cannot force him to grow up.

Going behind his back to shut off the cable TV will not help - it just makes you into a villian. So does trying to get the charge card company to refuse transactions with porn merchants. (If I remember right from your other posts.) Those actions might be justified if he was a teenager and you were his mom. Between husband and wife, however, it’s more like a declaration of war.

I suspect that he probably thinks he got a raw deal, too; he thought he was marrying a sweet, innocent little Catholic girl, and she turned out to be a shrieking virago. (I’m not saying I agree!)

I don’t remember - did you guys go to the pre-Cana classes?

You’ve gotten a log of good advice here. All I will add is that you should do your knee work: pray for his heart to be changed, pray to be shown how to be a good wife to him in spite of it - or for guidance in how to get out of it!
 
I agree with the posters who say to GET OUT NOW!

The last thing you need is to bring a baby into this situation.

Time to count your losses, and find a job, move out and get on with your life!!!

We all make mistakes.
 
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Topher:
If your husband had a porn/masturbation addiction before you got married, then he was not free to marry which means that your marriage is not sacramental which means you have grounds for an anullment.
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That is correct for both of you. Freedom of choice hinges on reason and information. In this case you may have had reason, but you did not have the information to make a truly free choice. Moreover, your husband may have had the information but did not have full grasp of his reason to make a truly free choice. And therefore your marriage cannot reasonably be considered valid.

God does not want you to demean yourself and demean your marriage by ‘trading off’ sex for therapy or by ‘giving your husband what he wants’ in the hope that things will get better. Once you start giving into any demands on the part of your husband which are counter-marriage – which his demands are – then you are on a nosedive to disaster. It’s not going to get better. The only thing left is for it to get worse.
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Ruthie:
I feel obliged to point out that your husband is not the only one who is acting immaturely… You cannot force him to grow up.
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After your morning prayers go to the mirror, look in it, and say ten times: “You can’t change him.”

You married a man invested in selfish demands and who is not equipped to be married. Now you are on about not having any money if you leave. So your happiness, worth, and faith have a price tag now? Who put that price tag on these things? Hint: it was not your husband. It was you. You have a sense of entitlement which is keeping you in a situation where growth is not possible.

Do you think you are the first wife who has been up against the financial wall? I knew a woman who lived in rural New Brunswick. She would squirrel away small amounts of money in secret hiding places for seven years. When she had enough money she took her children, retrieved the money, and took a Greyhound bus to Toronto. Needless to say she left the husband behind.

Yes, she was poor but she able to live a genuine life and she was able to grow.

God gave you a life. That is your life which you get to live until you die. Getting married doesn’t mean you suddenly get to surrender responsibility for your own decisions. If anything the responsibility grows – certainly when the children come – not shrinks.

If this doesn’t hold any water with you, then think of it this way. Making a decision which adversely affects your own life is one thing. When that decision adversely affects your children’s lives that is a whole other thing.

Are you ready for children? Because that is where sex in a Catholic marriage leads. Nothing you tell your children countermands the good example or bad example you set for them – especially concerning how they will interact with the opposite sex.

You think the vision of your husband hunched over himself in front of a porn channel is off-putting? Think of your children doing the same thing because that’s what they will have been taught! Your husband will have taught them that by continuing in his selfish compulsions. And you will have taught them that by bargaining for financial security.

Porn addiction can also be an indicator of other more serious conditions. It is not OK. To bargain with it, weigh it, debate it is playing with fire.

If you don’t feel comfortable having sex with your husband then leave and let him get on with his life in whatever way he decides for himself. If you don’t feel comfortable leaving, then what is this really about? Marriage includes sex. Are you married in your own mind and heart? Or are you not?

This is a struggle for control between you and your husband. Controlling someone is not loving that person. It is always best for people to focus their desires for control on their own lives and not on the lives of other people.
 
Please think about the words Lucifer used at his rebellion.
Non Serviam… I will not serve.

Serving means doing your part even if he does not. When you do this you serve God. Expecting your husband to change before you will love and respect him whould be like God saying “become sinless before I Love you”.

You do have a cross to bear. We all do. Your primary purpose (as long as you are not divorced and anulled) is to get your husband to heaven. That can be done with love but is bound to fail with attempts to control, demands and ultimatums.

Your choice is not whether to serve your husband or not. Your choice is whether to serve God or not. So you must decide if you serve God by staying married or by pursuing an anullment. Whatever your do keep your eyes on God.
 
Why all the talk about an anullment? Is it really necessary at this time? It can always be done later. Getting your life in order should be the priority at this time.
 
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geojack:
Why all the talk about an anullment? Is it really necessary at this time? It can always be done later. Getting your life in order should be the priority at this time.
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I agree - there is no actual need for the anullment until one wants to get married again correct? (I’m still an ignorant soon to be ex-Protestant, so please correct anything I might say that is wrong) So why stay because your priest doesn’t want to help you get an annullment at this point?
 
First of all I am so sorry what happening to you with your husband. In regards to Comcast, these people are really a pain in the neck whenever you try to do something. My husbands name is on the account and they will not even change the darn box for me when I brought in the broken one. My husband had to do it. He had to rush home from work to get there before they closed. The same thing with my father he was having trouble with the remote they gave him and did not allow me to exchange for him (he’s in his 70’s) Yet I can go in there and pay either bill no questions asked:rolleyes:
 
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