My Husband's Catholic Family's Weird Discovery

[Rebecca_Louise_1]

My father - in - law turned 90 a few days ago. I baked a cake and my husband’s sister brought pizza to the nursing home where he lives with my mother-in-law and my husband’s younger brother. Recently, one of my husband’s cousins on his mother’s side became a patient in this nursing home. It certainly is convenient being able to visit everyone in one location.

We had a nice Christmas Dinner there that we brought in and yesterday we had a very nice birthday party for Dad. In the conversation around the dinner table, we were catching up on family events and announcements from Christmas cards that had been received. One of the younger cousins on Dad’s side is getting married in August so there was a discussion of that. Then the conversation took a very strange turn.

My in-laws Christmas cards and most mail goes to my sister in law’s home near the nursing home because she handles a lot of their business and has power of attorney. Plus, the nursing home is not very reliable about bringing the mail to residents if the staff is busy doing more important things.

In this discussion of catching up on family news from the Christmas cards, it came up that my husband’s other sister who had moved out of state last year had received an astonishing revelation. Through Christmas card return addresses it was discovered that a cousin on my mother in law’s side of the family lived in the same town that my husband’s sister just moved to out of state. This was not known to the family until addresses were observed on Christmas cards.

My husband’s sister who gets the mail for his parents, innocently googled their cousin’s address to get an idea of how far the cousin lived from their other sister and to view the home and neighborhood. Well, this produced an unexpected result.

The cousin’s photo and matched address came up with a google result on a SEXUAL OFFENDERS REGISTRY. My husband’s two sisters gossiped about this via telephone and the sister who lives nearby the cousin decided not to let the cousins know that she lives nearby and the general consensus among all the family members was not to contact the cousin at all.

ALL EXCEPT FOR MY HUSBAND. My husband’s position is that his cousin is wounded, is fallen, and has little familial support since his parents have passed away several years ago. My husband insists that the Christian approach is to pray for and reach out to the estranged cousin and maybe not necessarily go out of the way to visit him in person, but, to retain familial contact with him. Healing can be brought to family members through prayer and contact but no one else wants anything to do with the cousin
because they are grossed out by their discovery.

Not that it matters, but, the charge listed on the registry web site was “possession of child pornography”. The cousin is 66 years old, 3 years older than my husband.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

… Healing can be brought to family members through prayer and contact…

Can you clarify what you mean by this? What sort of healing are you hoping for, and what do you mean by “brought to family members through prayer and contact?”

 

[TarkanAttila]

If he goes alone, under the notion he’s going alone, maybe it won’t be so bad.

that is very strange, however. I’m glad your husband wants to do something, however, for love’s sake.

 

[LightBound]

Thank you for sharing, I will pray for your family.

It is good that your husband is showing kindness, however I would caution not to look down in any way on his other family members. You do not know of their past experiences, especially since they are women this “cousin” could be intimidating for them in a way that does not bother your husband being a man.

In addition, I have a relative who was approached by a man who exposed himself to them while they were a child playing in the park! For that reason this family member is especially cautious around sex offenders I hope that makes sense. Perhaps one of your sister in laws had a similar “creepy” experience as a youngster?

Perhaps I am reading your post wrong, if I am forgive me. It seems you are highlighting the fact that your husband is reaching out and his family is not. Maybe that wasn’t your point though. I am sorry you made this discovery, please be assured of my prayers for your family. God bless.

Agree. I doubt this interest in child pornography the cousin had/has just popped up out of nowhere. Chances are, the female cousins might have had a run in with him in their younger years and know he has issues that they wanted to stay away from and protect their own children from. That’s nice if the OP’s husband wants to build a bridge, but she shouldn’t look down on the female cousins or any other relatives that prefer to keep a distance from the relative.

 

[Rebecca_Louise_1]

JMJ
Thank you for your responses. This was difficult for me to write and describe accurately and I thought that I might be asked to clarify certain things.

Monicad, thanks for your post. You put the word “cousin” in quotation marks. This is a true cousin and a blood relative.

Monicad, you are correct. Of my husband’s two younger sisters, both have had various experiences related to psychosexual development. The youngest sister, 10 years younger than my husband, was very overprotected by their parents during her high school years. My in laws would not allow her to travel more than a mile from their home to seek part time work for example. Despite their best efforts to protect her, there was an incident we know of.

One Saturday evening, while my mother in law and father in law were out to dinner with friends, she was left home alone with my husband’s brother. While she was watching TV in the first floor family room, someone came up to the sliding patio doors of the family room and exposed themselves to her. She called for her brother upstairs, he came down and called the police. The police came out and followed footprints in the snow through the back yards but then lost the trail.

The other sister had experience of sexual harassment from bosses while she was working in the fast food industry.

So, Monicad, I feel your observations are spot on.

For clarification, my husband does not plan to travel out of state to visit this cousin IN PERSON as someone posted. But, since it is known where he lives he feels Christmas cards should still be sent to this cousin. My husband also feels its appropriate to pray for anyone who is struggling with sin or to pray for others in his family.

Another point of clarification, not only does my husband pray for his family members, he believes that sin manifests itself in physical and psychological illnesses and in this regard spoke to me about a reading from the Gospel of Mark yesterday in Mass where Jesus drives a demon out of a person. There are other references in Scripture to ill people being
inflicted by demonic spirits and in the scriptural sense, my husband believes the same for members of his own family who have all left the church except for him and his father.

As far as healing goes, which was a question from one of the responders here, we believe that Jesus is the great healer. He was the great healer as described in the New Testament and continues to be the Great Healer, Emmanuel, God Among Us. We regularly pray that our relatives come back home and bring Jesus back into their lives.

They are all suffering greatly, not only physically, as they are (name removed by moderator)atients at a nursing home but they suffer spiritually and mentally, psychologically.

Are prayers for healing in all of these are not appropriate? I guess I do not understand the question of the responder here who asked the question about “healing”.

JMJ

 

[Rebecca_Louise_1]

jmj
HEALING

*Physical Illness, Spiritual Illness, Psychological or Mental Illness *

I stumbled upon this quotation from St. Teresa of Avila:

“When the Lord knows that good health is necessary for our welfare, He sends it to us; and when we need sickness, He sends that too.”
-St. Teresa of Avila

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

As far as healing goes, which was a question from one of the responders here, we believe that Jesus is the great healer. He was the great healer as described in the New Testament and continues to be the Great Healer, Emmanuel, God Among Us. We regularly pray that our relatives come back home and bring Jesus back into their lives.

They are all suffering greatly, not only physically, as they are (name removed by moderator)atients at a nursing home but they suffer spiritually and mentally, psychologically.

Are prayers for healing in all of these are not appropriate? I guess I do not understand the question of the responder here who asked the question about “healing”.

JMJ

I asked because I’m not sure what type of healing you are hoping to accomplish, and also what sort of contact are you referring to. For example,
–do you believe that if family members would include him in their gatherings, family hurts would be healed, or irrational fears would be alleviated?
–do you believe that this cousin is likely to be healed of his pedophilia and therefore should be allowed to be a part of the family?
–are you simply saying that you believe you should pray and ask God to heal his soul?
–by contact, are you expressing that some sort of family inclusion be afforded him?
–or by contact, are you saying that just like a prison ministry prays with a convict, a kind card from you might show him the love of Christ?
–I do see that you are hoping that your relatives will be healed/come back to a relationship with God, but I don’t see what that has to do with them having contact with a pedophile cousin.

I will say this - while Jesus CAN perform a miracle and completely heal someone of pedophilia, it is not worth the safety of the public to act as though a pedophile is not a pedophile. This cousin’s soul is precious and God wants him to be with Him in heaven someday, and for that I commend you on your willingness to pray for him. A disorder like pedophilia is as persistent as a terrible cancer that has a negligible survival rate. So beware, and don’t judge others who take a more cautious approach to a person who could very well be a dangerous person. Keep in mind, that the cops don’t go after people who have “a little” child p*rn. They go after the ones that have a TON of it. And very commonly, this visual stuff is the gateway to the actual acting out of the perversion. There is a lot of darkness surrounding these things - don’t underestimate the level of perversion, and don’t underestimate just how persistent these types of disorders are.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My father - in - law turned 90 a few days ago. I baked a cake and my husband’s sister brought pizza to the nursing home where he lives with my mother-in-law and my husband’s younger brother. Recently, one of my husband’s cousins on his mother’s side became a patient in this nursing home. It certainly is convenient being able to visit everyone in one location.

We had a nice Christmas Dinner there that we brought in and yesterday we had a very nice birthday party for Dad. In the conversation around the dinner table, we were catching up on family events and announcements from Christmas cards that had been received. One of the younger cousins on Dad’s side is getting married in August so there was a discussion of that. Then the conversation took a very strange turn.

My in-laws Christmas cards and most mail goes to my sister in law’s home near the nursing home because she handles a lot of their business and has power of attorney. Plus, the nursing home is not very reliable about bringing the mail to residents if the staff is busy doing more important things.

In this discussion of catching up on family news from the Christmas cards, it came up that my husband’s other sister who had moved out of state last year had received an astonishing revelation. Through Christmas card return addresses it was discovered that a cousin on my mother in law’s side of the family lived in the same town that my husband’s sister just moved to out of state. This was not known to the family until addresses were observed on Christmas cards.

My husband’s sister who gets the mail for his parents, innocently googled their cousin’s address to get an idea of how far the cousin lived from their other sister and to view the home and neighborhood. Well, this produced an unexpected result.

The cousin’s photo and matched address came up with a google result on a SEXUAL OFFENDERS REGISTRY. My husband’s two sisters gossiped about this via telephone and the sister who lives nearby the cousin decided not to let the cousins know that she lives nearby and the general consensus among all the family members was not to contact the cousin at all.

ALL EXCEPT FOR MY HUSBAND. My husband’s position is that his cousin is wounded, is fallen, and has little familial support since his parents have passed away several years ago. My husband insists that the Christian approach is to pray for and reach out to the estranged cousin and maybe not necessarily go out of the way to visit him in person, but, to retain familial contact with him. Healing can be brought to family members through prayer and contact but no one else wants anything to do with the cousin
because they are grossed out by their discovery.

Not that it matters, but, the charge listed on the registry web site was “possession of child pornography”. The cousin is 66 years old, 3 years older than my husband.

I got a headache just reading that! You could simplify the sorry and the characters. I don’t need to know the menu…


Here is the deal. If a family member of mine especially extended, had a sex conviction victimizing minors (that is what child pornography does) then I would never ever contact this person again. but then again, I have a wife and kids. Would I pray for them? Sure. But I would also be done with that kind of person for the sake of my loved ones.

And If my wife said what your husband said I would question her logic and behavior as well.

Every family has some scum in it. In mine, there are some felons who refuse to repent or even admit wrongdoing, there are drug users and wife beaters. Those are the people I stay away from. For the most part.

I do have a cousin who is messed up and was recently in jail for stealing drugs, beating his wife, a DUI, and felony firearms charges. I wrote him a letter in jail urging him to use this as a time to change his life. After he got out, he told me I was the only on e who wrote him. And then proceeded to tell me how he is the victim and others just don’t understand. He lives thousands of miles away so I don’t fear for my family.
Your husband should realize that he will not help your cousin. And you should not dance around reality. I would ask your husband if he knows what child pornography is. And I would use the words pedophile and pedophilia a lot.

You did not mention if you have kids… Do you?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

JMJ
Thank you for your responses. This was difficult for me to write and describe accurately and I thought that I might be asked to clarify certain things.

Monicad, thanks for your post. You put the word “cousin” in quotation marks. This is a true cousin and a blood relative.

Monicad, you are correct. Of my husband’s two younger sisters, both have had various experiences related to psychosexual development. The youngest sister, 10 years younger than my husband, was very overprotected by their parents during her high school years. My in laws would not allow her to travel more than a mile from their home to seek part time work for example. Despite their best efforts to protect her, there was an incident we know of.

One Saturday evening, while my mother in law and father in law were out to dinner with friends, she was left home alone with my husband’s brother. While she was watching TV in the first floor family room, someone came up to the sliding patio doors of the family room and exposed themselves to her. She called for her brother upstairs, he came down and called the police. The police came out and followed footprints in the snow through the back yards but then lost the trail.

The other sister had experience of sexual harassment from bosses while she was working in the fast food industry.

So, Monicad, I feel your observations are spot on.

For clarification, my husband does not plan to travel out of state to visit this cousin IN PERSON as someone posted. But, since it is known where he lives he feels Christmas cards should still be sent to this cousin. My husband also feels its appropriate to pray for anyone who is struggling with sin or to pray for others in his family.

Another point of clarification, not only does my husband pray for his family members, he believes that sin manifests itself in physical and psychological illnesses and in this regard spoke to me about a reading from the Gospel of Mark yesterday in Mass where Jesus drives a demon out of a person. There are other references in Scripture to ill people being
inflicted by demonic spirits and in the scriptural sense, my husband believes the same for members of his own family who have all left the church except for him and his father.

As far as healing goes, which was a question from one of the responders here, we believe that Jesus is the great healer. He was the great healer as described in the New Testament and continues to be the Great Healer, Emmanuel, God Among Us. We regularly pray that our relatives come back home and bring Jesus back into their lives.

They are all suffering greatly, not only physically, as they are (name removed by moderator)atients at a nursing home but they suffer spiritually and mentally, psychologically.

Are prayers for healing in all of these are not appropriate? I guess I do not understand the question of the responder here who asked the question about “healing”.

JMJ

How would you ever know if someone were “healed”
How could you ever know that? Just because they say so?
Do you think Jesus heals pedophiles and so if you determine that happened and that the “demon” is gone that the person can be trusted with children?

 

[pensmama87]

Not that it matters, but, the charge listed on the registry web site was “possession of child pornography”. The cousin is 66 years old, 3 years older than my husband.

I actually think it matters a great deal what the charge was. I missed it the first time reading your post and wondered about that. Not that it’s “no big deal” to be on such a registry, but there are people who end up on the registry without committing crimes against minors (I get alerts for the ones in my state and frequently the listed crime does not have a minor victim).

The fact that this relative’s crime did have to do with the exploitation of children would make me incredibly cautious. But then again, I have children in my home. That would make me nervous. I would not want this person at family events, and would not want to send Christmas cards with pictures of my kids in them, with my home address. Would I pray for this person? Absolutely. He needs it.

But an invitation to become more involved with the family - does he even know about you or these other relatives? Continuing to not involve him is not a slight - he was never involved before, if I’m reading your posts correctly.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I really don’t have much advice to give, but I did want to take a moment to say that your husband sounds like a very kind, generous, and courageous man with a big heart. Regardless of what he chooses and whether or not you agree with it, try to keep that in mind.

 

[MadetoLove]

I really don’t have much advice to give, but I did want to take a moment to say that your husband sounds like a very kind, generous, and courageous man with a big heart. Regardless of what he chooses and whether or not you agree with it, try to keep that in mind.

I agree with this, but with the caveat that you should not agree to allow your husband to send his cousin pictures of your children. If he decides to reach out to the cousin with a simple greeting that can certainly be his choice, but nothing more than that involving your family without a solid agreement between you two.

You and your family have my prayers

 

[Joe_5859]

I actually think it matters a great deal what the charge was. I missed it the first time reading your post and wondered about that. Not that it’s “no big deal” to be on such a registry, but there are people who end up on the registry without committing crimes against minors (I get alerts for the ones in my state and frequently the listed crime does not have a minor victim).

The fact that this relative’s crime did have to do with the exploitation of children would make me incredibly cautious. But then again, I have children in my home. That would make me nervous. I would not want this person at family events, and would not want to send Christmas cards with pictures of my kids in them, with my home address. Would I pray for this person? Absolutely. He needs it.

But an invitation to become more involved with the family - does he even know about you or these other relatives? Continuing to not involve him is not a slight - he was never involved before, if I’m reading your posts correctly.

I recall reading a blog post a number of years ago from a Catholic guy who was on the Registry for child pornography. He claimed that he did not actually view child pornography but somehow (I can’t recall how) found himself in the position of having to prove to authorities that each of the girls in the photo cache on his computer were of the legal age. Of course, that would be impossible.

Not that it’s not all bad. It is. But it has made me wonder a bit more. When we think of child pornography, we think of small children being horrifically victimized, not a guy having to prove that pictures of 18 year olds (who I would argue are still victimized, yet they do technically give legal consent) are pictures of “consenting adults” rather than minors.

I can understand both sides. On the one hand, I certainly wouldn’t want to live next door to someone on the Registry, nor allow my children to have contact with them. And I definitely understand if anyone (especially women when the perpetrator is male) would want to stay away from the guy. That is well within their rights to decide. And I wouldn’t dream of trying to convince someone to “reach out” when they were uncomfortable doing so.

Nonetheless, I do understand where your husband is coming from. Being on the registry is like having a permanent scarlet letter. Not that it’s not warranted or deserved (it usually is). And not that I don’t appreciate that it exists (I definitely do). But I do sometimes wonder how repentance and forgiveness fits in with it all. Once a guy is on that list, he’s on it for life. He can never escape it. No one who knows he is on it will want to be around him or even live near him. That has got to be very deflating to a person’s psyche. Why bother trying to improve one’s self if one can never escape the past? Even years and years later, people will not be able to look past it.

I don’t really know the solution. Protecting children is obviously the highest concern. How does one reach out to those who have committed the crimes, yet already done the time? I don’t know.

 

[Rebecca_Louise_1]

I really don’t have much advice to give, but I did want to take a moment to say that your husband sounds like a very kind, generous, and courageous man with a big heart. Regardless of what he chooses and whether or not you agree with it, try to keep that in mind.

BlueEyedLady THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS! you have described him perfectly! To a “T”. Amazing! as for the “courageous” part, you would not believe what he has had to confront and deal with over the years both within his family and outside of his family. Sometimes I am amazed and always grateful that he is still standing upright. This little story I posted here is only the tip of the iceberg.

CHURCH ACKNOWLEDGES (FINALLY) FAMILIES ARE NOT ALWAYS HEALTHY, CAN BE DYSFUNCTIONAL AND OFTEN ARE SICK AND UNHEALTHY

That is one reason we are so GRATEFUL and HOPEFUL from Pope Francis’ Synod on the Family. Last fall during the time of the Synod my husband came home from Mass Cheering and Jumping up and down. I have never seen him come home from Mass so elated! He explained that the pastor of our parish had given a wonderful homily on the FAMILY. My husband said it was the first time that he could remember in his whole life that the church, any priest, nun, lay teacher, ever had acknowledged that families could be dysfunctional. Our pastor went on in the homily to exhort the congregation that all situations within the family must be approached from the vantage point of LOVE.

Over the years, his family has gone to the parish in certain family crisis situations only to be turned away and reproached for “NOT BEING PERFECT AS ALL FAMILIES ARE PERFECT and the EPITOME of HOLINESS”… that was the common answer repeated *ad nauseum * in every family crisis. What is wrong with us? Why are we not perfect? No wonder his siblings left the church!

I would also like to give a shout out to all here who warned me about PEDOPHILIA. Your comments are all very well taken with gratitude!

I do wonder sometimes how my husband has got more than his fair share (in my view) of dysfunction, illness and pathology when scripture promises us an “abundant life”. Abundant with calamity?

As far as many who responded here regarding PRAYER FOR LOVED ONES in our recent Adult Faith Formation class at our parish, we did an extensive study of PURGATORY and since then my husband has made a more disciplined effort to pray for friends and relatives who have passed away. When we were first married, he never prayed for anyone, he just seemed to recite prayers in a rote fashion instead of from the heart. His prayer now is much more contemplative and full of intercessory prayer for others and from his heart which is a change I have noticed over the last few years.

 

[pensmama87]

I recall reading a blog post a number of years ago from a Catholic guy who was on the Registry for child pornography. He claimed that he did not actually view child pornography but somehow (I can’t recall how) found himself in the position of having to prove to authorities that each of the girls in the photo cache on his computer were of the legal age. Of course, that would be impossible.

Not that it’s not all bad. It is. But it has made me wonder a bit more. When we think of child pornography, we think of small children being horrifically victimized, not a guy having to prove that pictures of 18 year olds (who I would argue are still victimized, yet they do technically give legal consent) are pictures of “consenting adults” rather than minors.

I can understand both sides. On the one hand, I certainly wouldn’t want to live next door to someone on the Registry, nor allow my children to have contact with them. And I definitely understand if anyone (especially women when the perpetrator is male) would want to stay away from the guy. That is well within their rights to decide. And I wouldn’t dream of trying to convince someone to “reach out” when they were uncomfortable doing so.

Nonetheless, I do understand where your husband is coming from. Being on the registry is like having a permanent scarlet letter. Not that it’s not warranted or deserved (it usually is). And not that I don’t appreciate that it exists (I definitely do). But I do sometimes wonder how repentance and forgiveness fits in with it all. Once a guy is on that list, he’s on it for life. He can never escape it. No one who knows he is on it will want to be around him or even live near him. That has got to be very deflating to a person’s psyche. Why bother trying to improve one’s self if one can never escape the past? Even years and years later, people will not be able to look past it.

I don’t really know the solution. Protecting children is obviously the highest concern. How does one reach out to those who have committed the crimes, yet already done the time? I don’t know.

These are good points.

I guess I’m still unclear as to whether or not the OP’s family knew this relative before finding him on Google. If I knew the relative, I might want to find out more about the circumstances, etc. so I could make an appropriate judgment. But deciding not to suddenly involve someone that you find on Google doesn’t strike me as automatically heartless and unforgiving, if the person is unlikely to know that you exist, either.

 

[Rebecca_Louise_1]

These are good points.

I guess I’m still unclear as to whether or not the OP’s family knew this relative before finding him on Google. If I knew the relative, I might want to find out more about the circumstances, etc. so I could make an appropriate judgment. But deciding not to suddenly involve someone that you find on Google doesn’t strike me as automatically heartless and unforgiving, if the person is unlikely to know that you exist, either.

To answer your question Pensmama, of course they “knew” him before finding out the recent info through Google. I believe what you are asking is “How well did they know him” ?

My husband tells me that as a child his parents regularly visited all their relatives and he frequently went to visit this aunt and uncle with his parents and grandparents. Since his cousin was 3 years older, sometimes he would not be home when they visited - maybe off playing with his own friends but my husband tells me if his cousin was home when they visited, they played outside while his parents and other adults visited inside. Pretty normal stuff PensMama, nothing at all untowards.

Then, as many families do, they moved away to different states. The aunt and uncle moved to California for work and the offending cousin when he grew up worked and lived in Alabama.

My husband recounts that he was close enough to his aunt and uncle that when a company he was working for in Boston sent him to California on a business trip with his boss, my husband got permission from his boss to take off some free time one evening to visit his aunt and uncle and have dinner with them at their home. My husband says the reunion with his aunt and uncle after so many years not seeing them was very heartwarming for all involved and he was glad he went out of his way to visit.

Certainly if my husband did not “know” his relatives, he would not have gone out of his way to visit them while on a business trip. Also, the uncle was an accomplished artist and my husband’s family cherishes the paintings they received from him as gifts on various occasions and these paintings still hang in the family’s homes.

Also Pensmama, if you read the original post, the whole incident was initiated through a Christmas card that was received this past Christmas. Thus, the cousin fondly remembers my husband’s parents enough to send them a Christmas card.

Also, regarding praying for the cousin, my husband has struggled with the virtue of forgiveness. He holds grudges for a long time and can be very unforgiving. He has prayed for our Lord to take away his un-forgiveness and although he has improved somewhat, forgiving people is something he does struggle with. He always says that Jesus said we are supposed to forgive 70 times 70 -in other words, continually forgive others. So, the old man would have shunned and condemned the cousin. The new man wants to pray for his healing and recovery.

 

[pensmama87]

OK, thanks for the extra information.

Sometimes it is difficult, when reading, to follow all the twists and turns in a story and keep up with all the people involved. Things seem obvious to the OP because they’re familiar, but it’s hard for strangers who don’t know the situation firsthand. At first it seemed to me like a previously unknown relative turned up, now it seems like he’s someone your husband used to know quite well but lost touch with, and with this extra information he disagrees with his other relatives about whether to re-establish a connection. You can let me know if I am still mistaken.

I will admit I’m still confused as to the point of your thread. It is definitely good that your husband has grown so much in forgiveness. That seems evident from your subsequent posts. ThyKingdomCome had some very good questions about what that forgiveness is supposed to mean, however. Forgiveness does NOT always mean reconciliation (and sometimes reconciliation does more harm than good, even to the perpetrator, who may now face temptations that were absent before.)

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

OP. Do you have children?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am sorry to do this but I feel I must simplify this so we can better understand. Edited for length.

…atient in this nursing home. It certainly is convenient being able to visit everyone in one location. You were at a family gathering

We had a nice Christmas Dinner there that we brought in and yesterday we had a very nice birthday party for Dad. In the conversation around the dinner table, we were catching up on family events and announcements from Christmas cards that had been received. One of the younger cousins on Dad’s side is getting married in August so there was a discussion of that. Then the conversation took a very strange turn.
It was normal until…

My in-laws Christmas cards and most mail goes to my sister in law’s home near the nursing home because she handles a lot of their business and has power of attorney. Plus, the nursing home is not very reliable about bringing the mail to residents if the staff is busy doing more important things.Someone who has addresses and handles personal dealings…

of state. This was not known to the family until addresses were observed on Christmas cards.
The family is not close and does not really know life events of each other
My husband’s sister who gets the mail for his parents, innocently googled their cousin’s address to get an idea of how far the cousin lived from their other sister and to view the home and neighborhood. Well, this produced an unexpected result. She was snooping. As is her right. There is no innocent googeling.

…she lives nearby and the general consensus among all the family members was not to contact the cousin at all. It was found that one of the relatives that no one is close to is a sex offender

ALL EXCEPT FOR MY HUSBAND. My husband’s position is that his cousin is wounded, is fallen, and has little familial support since his parents have passed away several years ago. My husband insists that the Christian approach is to pray for and reach out to the estranged cousin and maybe not necessarily go out of the way to visit him in person, but, to retain familial contact with him. Healing can be brought to family members through prayer and contact but no one else wants anything to do with the cousin
because they are grossed out by their discovery.
Your husband wants to reach out to this person and the rest of the family is content to write it off.

Not that it matters, but, the charge listed on the registry web site was “possession of child pornography”. The cousin is 66 years old, 3 years older than my husband.It does matter. It matters a lot.

Now, I thought about this thread all day yesterday, and all day today. Honestly something does not sit right with me. I don’t know if it was the confusing way it was written or the fact that there does not seem to be a question involved. But it struck me odd.

So here are the things I have concerns with. I think you have kids. I think you purposely left that out. And I think that changes the situation very much. Here is why.

Your husband obviously knew of this situation before it was “found out” by the family. Perhaps he has been in contact with the cousin or not. Perhaps he just did not want to have the gossip drama train involved and that is why he did not tell anyone (including his wife) which is odd to me. You see, any man with a family will have a very very protective role. The first reaction to a relative pedophile is to almost over react in protection of his wife and kids. And with pedophilia there should be a reaction of revulsion. Of almost sickness.

Some people do not react this way, perhaps because their own mind refuses to comprehend the sickness of the crime and they are in a denial of sorts. Or they have had time to process the information and think about it for a while. I believe your husband did the later and you perhaps are doing the former. It also concerns me when discussing possession and demons with this issue because, yes, we do believe that happens, and yes, we do believe in the Church’s power of exorcism. And we believe in the power of prayer. BUT we must be careful to not diagnose things we do not know of. The Church has a rigorous protocol and it must be followed. When people start talking about prayer healing and demons for things like pedophile crimes it is usually because they refuse to see or believe the person could be just plain old evil.
As a man with children, I have a strong strong reaction to those who sexually harm a child. And I can tell you that a man in his 60s who has a conviction for child porn is not a novice at pedophile actions.
A previous poster posted about a situation that is frankly a bunch of bunk. The burden of proof in a legal system is on the prosecution. Any john searching teen porn need not have to prove a legal age of 18 of the models he pulls up on the computer. Sharing photos however can bring this into the picture. Searching obvious underage sites is against the law. But no one goes to prison because they accidentally clicked on an email…

My concerns are that you are attempting to rationalize the situation.
That your husband finds this a reason to become MORE in contact with the offender.
And that you have children.

 

[Kal2012]

This is always a weird/tough situation.

My uncle is a convicted sex offender. He can’t be around children under 18 w/o a parent/guardian/adult present. I’ve never gotten the full story, but what I’ve heard is enough.

He lives far enough away and when he comes to visit he’s usually with my dad or another relative, so the kids who are around aren’t in immediate danger. He’s just Uncle “blank” who everyone knows is a convicted sex offender and all the adults ensure that he’s not left alone with any of the kids or goes near a school or school sports game.

I understand why people get worried about this kind of thing, but the thing is that the relative doesn’t stop being a relative just because they’ve done awful things.

Find out the facts first. Then, make a decision. For instance, I have a friend who is listed as a sex offender because he got the stupid idea to sell a picture of a 16 year old girl over the internet because he had lost his job and needed the cash to pay his mortgage. It was really more about needing the money than exploiting kids. All of us were shocked when we heard this happened because he’s just not “that guy”. We would have dumped him as a friend long ago if he was overtly creepy about kids. People who have money problems get desperate sometimes.

Also, there are also guys like my uncle who do their therapy, take their prescriptions and do what they can to hold down a job. A lot of them don’t want any more trouble with the law, so they really need the support of friends and relatives to help them keep on the straight path. I really don’t know where my uncle would be if he didn’t have my dad/ his other siblings to help him.

In the end, I think that your husband has a good heart. Personally, I hate that can’t invite my uncle to my kid’s school functions because that’s the kind of thing you invite family to. He’ll always be Uncle “blank” to me, not Uncle “blank” registered sex offender. However, I get that my uncle did something disgusting and that he (and we) has to be diligent about his behavior around young kids. You adjust, you adapt. It’s part of being a family.

I get that people will think that it’s disgusting that I let my child visit his grand-uncle, but the thing is that based on his behavior and the precautions set forth (i.e. no child under 18 can be left alone in his care). He’s been truly repentant about his behavior and really doesn’t want to go to jail again and he always reminds people that he can’t be around kids w/out other adults being around to supervise. He’s not trying to get away with anything or be sneaky about his behavior.

I understand why people choose not to have sex offenders in their lives. In the end, I just don’t see my uncle enough that it’s really that big of an issue…maybe once every 2-3 years.

That’s my story. Glean what you need from it.