My Husband's Past

[ANewlyWedGirl]

Ive been married about 3 or so months, after a great wedding on my birthday, August 20.

My husband is 26, and we dated for about a year, and were engaged for 9 months. He isnt a strong Catholic, but he always respected my strong faith and my decision to remain a virgin until marriage. Early when we were dating, of course the question of whether or not we were virgins came up, with me being “yes” and he told me “no”.

Right there I just wanted to leave it at that. I didnt pry or ask questions about his sexual life prior to me. I felt that people make mistakes, and him and I had a chance to continue with a pure and good relationship. I honestly did not want to know. Ive seen many many relationships torn apart by jealousy and resent.

So about 2 weeks ago we rented “Just Married”, and in the movie they talk about “The List”, meaning a list of people the spouse had slept with prior to meeting their mate. Somehow it peaked my curiosity, and I eventually asked him just how much of a virgin he wasnt before me.

I was right before not to ask. Now i am regretting it.

He was very sexually active in college, and lived with a girlfriend for 1 year after he graduated college. He has been with well into the double digits of women, some of which he cant remember their names.

During our dating and engagement, youd have never ever thought that he had done any of those things. not once did he ever pressure me about sex. He now tells me that it was very easy to lay off sex because he already had his “fun”, and there wasnt too much difficulty waiting for me.

Now i know that i didnt want to ask or know before marriage, but how do you deal with the fact that you saved yourself for someone who has had more partners than he can remember? honestly i really thought it was 1, maybe 2 people he was with. not 5, not 10, or even 15 and higher.

i just look at him completely differently now, being that he was so intimate with so many women, and even lived with a girl. I feel cheated that i am not the first person he has shared a house with, and the first person he has lived with. I feel a litte disgusted that he was so casual about sex, and wonder if he still has the same attitude towards it. I didnt think leaving the past behind would be that big of a deal, but that was only while i didnt really know.

any ideas on what to do?

 

[puzzleannie]

I am astounded this did not come up during your courtship and engagement and especially in your marriage preparation. Two questions to deal with immediately, medical: has he been tested for STDs and pastoral: has he confessed these sins so that he is in a state of grace, which has to happen so that your marriage may be sacramental.

By the way, strong Catholics do not engage in premarital sex, so you need a deep, deep discussion on your relative commitmen to the life and teaching of the Church. Your other need is immediate counselling to help you deal with the natural grief and anger you must be feeling. Do not apologize for these feelings. Your husband was unfaithful to you before marriage, and until this is resolved you won’t have peace, or much chance for success in this marriage. That is the natural consequence of premarital sex and there is no escaping it.

 

[David_Zampino]

ANewlyWedGirl:

Ive been married about 3 or so months, after a great wedding on my birthday, August 20.

My husband is 26, and we dated for about a year, and were engaged for 9 months. He isnt a strong Catholic, but he always respected my strong faith and my decision to remain a virgin until marriage. Early when we were dating, of course the question of whether or not we were virgins came up, with me being “yes” and he told me “no”.

Right there I just wanted to leave it at that. I didnt pry or ask questions about his sexual life prior to me. I felt that people make mistakes, and him and I had a chance to continue with a pure and good relationship. I honestly did not want to know. Ive seen many many relationships torn apart by jealousy and resent.

So about 2 weeks ago we rented “Just Married”, and in the movie they talk about “The List”, meaning a list of people the spouse had slept with prior to meeting their mate. Somehow it peaked my curiosity, and I eventually asked him just how much of a virgin he wasnt before me.

I was right before not to ask. Now i am regretting it.

You were right before not to ask!

You made a very observant point when you stated that you have seen many relationships torn apart by jealousy and resentment. Now, you have the opportunity to offer up any similar feelings that you might have to Our Father. The fact that he respected your strong moral position and didn’t try to pressure you is a mark of maturity and respect and love.

Many people, especially in today’s society, have made mistakes, especially during the college years. (I teach at a Catholic college). Many of those people grow into a maturity in the ensuing years that they just didn’t possess earlier. This is not, in any way, attempting to condone the sins of his past – but they are, in fact, in his past – and it seems to me that he has made it clear, by his actions, that his future is with you. Rejoice in that.

If this continues to trouble you, open your heart to a wise and understanding priest. You were willing to forgive and forget his past when you did not know the details; his past hasn’t changed – only your knowledge has changed.

I would encourage you, now that details HAVE come out, to put an end to this type of questioning and commit to moving FORWARD together, not backward.

You are in my prayers.

Sincerely,

 

[puzzleannie]

I repeat, you both need counselling to help you deal with this and move on. You can say you forgive him but if you don’t deal with the underlying resentment and jealously now it will jump up and bite you out of the blue years down the road, and then look out.

 

[Starsweeper]

This is terrible. Why did your husband not come forward with his past willingly before you got married? You have a right to to know these things and if he truly respected you he would have done the hard thing and come clean about his past. Does he even think what he did was a mistake? You should get tested for STD’s immediately. If he’s slept with that many women he could have contracted one especially HPV which goes straight through condoms. I also second that you should look for Christian counseling to help you work through this.

 

[PiusXIII]

I’m sorry for you that this came out the way it did. His saying he “had his fun” makes it sound like he doesn’t regret anything he did which makes it worse.

The bottom line though is that the past is dead and you’ve got to find a way to move past this.

 

[puzzleannie]

PiusXIII:

The bottom line though is that the past is dead and you’ve got to find a way to move past this.

unfortunately the past has a nasty way of reviving when we least expect it. There is a natural process of awareness, acknowledgement, forgiveness, reconciliation and healing that must be gone through, with professional or pastoral help when necessary, and a true conversion of mind and heart on both the part of the husband and the wife before the past can be left behind.

 

[shannin]

Wow…I can certainly understand your feelings and I applaud you for staying chaste before your marriage.

I don’t know what to tell you except to maybe talk to a priest about your feelings. Do whatever it takes for you to resolve this and not let it affect your marriage.

Remember that we all sin in different ways and that your husband didn’t mislead you in any way because you didn’t ask.

 

[Kay_Cee]

This is a tough one.

I was in the same boat but before we married. I had saved myself for him, but he hadn’t waited for me. Worse, his ex-girlfriend was still hanging around (we were in a singles club), so it was kind of always in my face.

She had broken up with him, and for months he had tried to get her back. The night I met him he spent the evening trying to get her back. He finally gave up and began dating me.

A few months later, all of a sudden she decided she wanted him back. And guess how she decided to get him. Here she was, offering to sleep with him, while I was maintaining a firm “no.”

Well, he chose me. He chose to have me without sex rather than have her with sex.

Which, if you think about it, is what your husband chose with you. I’m sure he could have found opportunities for sex if he had wanted to. But he chose you instead.

That’s how you get past it–the realization that he preferred having you without sex instead of girls he could have had with sex.

Now I’m not saying your feelings in this matter go away overnight. It took me months to get over it. But we’ve been married 16 years have have two wonderful daughters. I would have missed out on all of that if I had allowed my jealousy to get the better of me.

 

[Petite]

ANewlyWedGirl:

Ive been married about 3 or so months, after a great wedding on my birthday, August 20.

My husband is 26, and we dated for about a year, and were engaged for 9 months. He isnt a strong Catholic, but he always respected my strong faith and my decision to remain a virgin until marriage. Early when we were dating, of course the question of whether or not we were virgins came up, with me being “yes” and he told me “no”.

Right there I just wanted to leave it at that. I didnt pry or ask questions about his sexual life prior to me. I felt that people make mistakes, and him and I had a chance to continue with a pure and good relationship. I honestly did not want to know. Ive seen many many relationships torn apart by jealousy and resent.

So about 2 weeks ago we rented “Just Married”, and in the movie they talk about “The List”, meaning a list of people the spouse had slept with prior to meeting their mate. Somehow it peaked my curiosity, and I eventually asked him just how much of a virgin he wasnt before me.

I was right before not to ask. Now i am regretting it.

He was very sexually active in college, and lived with a girlfriend for 1 year after he graduated college. He has been with well into the double digits of women, some of which he cant remember their names.

During our dating and engagement, youd have never ever thought that he had done any of those things. not once did he ever pressure me about sex. He now tells me that it was very easy to lay off sex because he already had his “fun”, and there wasnt too much difficulty waiting for me.

Now i know that i didnt want to ask or know before marriage, but how do you deal with the fact that you saved yourself for someone who has had more partners than he can remember? honestly i really thought it was 1, maybe 2 people he was with. not 5, not 10, or even 15 and higher.

i just look at him completely differently now, being that he was so intimate with so many women, and even lived with a girl. I feel cheated that i am not the first person he has shared a house with, and the first person he has lived with. I feel a litte disgusted that he was so casual about sex, and wonder if he still has the same attitude towards it. I didnt think leaving the past behind would be that big of a deal, but that was only while i didnt really know.

any ideas on what to do?

I agree with the others who suggested you (and HE) get tested for STDs. Carefully follow up with your medical professionals–this is critical to your health and to your future family.

I am a bit surprised that you feel cheated–the fact that he told you he was not a virgin should have told you that he ‘cheated’. That fact that he was honest with you that he was not a virgin is a credit to him. What difference does it make (other than the health issues) if he had one previous partner or 20? The fact remains, he did not save himself for his bride. That’s something you should have thought about before the wedding. Perhaps that is something that you could have discussed in marriage preparation with your priest. However, that’s all retrospect.

Having said that, I would suggest counseling for you individually and as a couple. The reality that he has a sexual past that you did not anticipate is something you need to address within yourself and with him. He cannot change his past. You need to address your concerns so that you feel emotionally free to love him unconditionally. It’s better that you discover this early on in your marriage before you have a family.

I hope I didn’t come off as too harsh. (BTW, I was married for about 27 years before my husband died.) I know from my own marriage that when things are bothering you, you need to confront them as soon as you can–in a postive, loving way. Life is way too short to let this kind of thing fester and impede the growth of your married love.

I think you are very brave to realize you need to do something about this. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

 

[wcknight]

THE most important thing is, is he completely committed to you and your marriage ONLY.

Neither of you can change the past, only the presnt and your future life together are important now.

IF he truly loves you only and will remain faithful that is all you need to consider, and all you need to focus on.

 

[David_Zampino]

Kay Cee:

This is a tough one.

I was in the same boat but before we married. I had saved myself for him, but he hadn’t waited for me. Worse, his ex-girlfriend was still hanging around (we were in a singles club), so it was kind of always in my face.

She had broken up with him, and for months he had tried to get her back. The night I met him he spent the evening trying to get her back. He finally gave up and began dating me.

A few months later, all of a sudden she decided she wanted him back. And guess how she decided to get him. Here she was, offering to sleep with him, while I was maintaining a firm “no.”

Well, he chose me. He chose to have me without sex rather than have her with sex.

Which, if you think about it, is what your husband chose with you. I’m sure he could have found opportunities for sex if he had wanted to. But he chose you instead.

That’s how you get past it–the realization that he preferred having you without sex instead of girls he could have had with sex.

Now I’m not saying your feelings in this matter go away overnight. It took me months to get over it. But we’ve been married 16 years have have two wonderful daughters. I would have missed out on all of that if I had allowed my jealousy to get the better of me.

Of the many responses to this very serious question, you have, in my view, given the best, most useful, and most realistic answer. Praise God for the love and satisfaction you have encountered through your marriage, and may our sister find an equal measure of peace.

Blessings,