My husband's postpartum behavior--delicate situation

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lone_Catholic
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
40.png
dulcissima:
Listen, I have given this some more thought, and tried to look at it from another angle, namely why have I enjoyed giving “that” in the past. Basically it was because it was a very pure and loving gift, some very focused attention. QUOTE]

First things first, I am a male and I am also married. My wife and I both know what the teachings are, and we both struggle with this area. I would like to add a male perspective to this discussion. Most men like AFP for a variety of reasons. For me, I like surrendering control. I have a natural tendency to be a control freak and this is one way I can totally surrender control. It also clouds the moral waters when both partners enjoy it and no coercion is involved. Coercion to any kind of activity has no place in married life.

I think this is a gray area in moral theology and you have given part of the reason I think it is so when you referred to AFP as “a very pure and loving gift, some very focused attention.” It seems that there is a small double standard that a woman can have certain kinds of release from her husband before, during, or after, and the husband can only have one kind of release. I have trouble with the notion of AFP being immoral if both parties are consensual and enjoy it, and are engaging in these types of activities as a way of increasing their unity as a couple. To reiterate, this is something my wife and I are both struggling with and we are trying to follow the church to the best of our ability.
Click to expand...
 
40.png
dulcissima:
Sorry, Rayne. No, it wasn’t directed at you. I think it was Concern Catholic who was saying she didn’t think it was a mortal sin. I think I should just stop posting today.
Click to expand...
This is what I said in a previous post:

“Of course, I have never thought of “AFP” as a mortal sin so I have not been that quick to confess it. I have only confessed to it very vaguely once. My husband has some really nice arguments in favor of AFP.”

I am still learning the teachings of the church and I rely heavily on the information my husband provides since he is the cradle Catholic. I do try to sort things out for myself but it is sometimes difficult for me to figure out what I need to confess and what I don’t need to confess. I guess I have a difficult time with this one because before I converted to Catholicism and learned how sinful this is, I was a willing and joyful participant. I will celebrate my first year as a Catholic this Easter so I thank anyone that can set me straight.

Dulcissima, thank you!!! 👍 I don’t want to confuse anybody because I am still learning. I was just trying to share my personal struggles because you can’t talk about this stuff just anywhere.
 
Island Oak:
Thank you for observing delicately what I was thinking most uncharitably about this man. Assuming you haven’t joined the ranks of the miraculous and experienced an immaculate conception, Mr. Fun & Games had a part to play in the condition from which you are recovering. With all the hormones that were swirling through my system 2 weeks post-partum, my husband would likely have had that message delivered via a fry pan across his head were he to even consider whining about "luvin’ before I had a chance to stop hemorraging from the previous go-around!!

You husband should be doing everything in his power to first help you recover physically and second efficiently parent all these little people. When all those tasks are accomplished THEN he can start thinking about getting his own needs met. It’s called being the grown-ups in the household–only the kiddies who don’t know any better should be emitting any whining sounds!!!
Click to expand...
I’m afraid this would have been my approach.

You should not be engaged in such activity until your doctor has given you a check-up and his or her OK. it used to be six weeks. Has this changed?
 
40.png
OutinChgoburbs:
I’m afraid this would have been my approach.

You should not be engaged in such activity until your doctor has given you a check-up and his or her OK. it used to be six weeks. Has this changed?
Click to expand...
It’s still 6 weeks. Actually, I was thinking 'Bloody **** this guy must have a high sex-drive :eek: ’ if he can’t ‘hold it’ for 6-10 weeks (allowing for the fact that she won’t have felt much like it in the last weeks before giving birth!). Heavens, it took my 8 months to heal up after having my eldest, and my dh didn’t whinge ONCE, why? Because he knew I had to get ‘better’ first! DUH! Sorry, but I just feel pity for the OP…not for her dh :rolleyes:

Anna x
 
I want women to understand something right now, as this has been a problem between men and women for the better part of 6000 years.

Women, in general, just want to feel loved when it comes to these things. They feel loved either by the man making them feel loved, or they can feel loved by making thier man happy. Either way, in a healthy marriage, women look more for the emotional aspect. (Not to say women don’t get urges, but in general)

Men, on the other hand, while enjoying the intimacy of the emotionals, are very visual creatures. That is why porn has such a hold on mankind. Men like visuals, they like to watch. That is why “AFP” has such an appeal. One - it is relaxing to the man. Two - he enjoys the feeling of “being taken care of”. Three - he gets to watch. And, in general, men’s sex drive is about triple that of a woman.

I am not married, but I do know this. A healthy relationship comes down to flexibility, giving and integrity.

No one likes a nag. Men are guilty of it too, but instead of fighting with your husband about the AFP issue, or feeling bad about it, encourage him, in a playful giving way, to enjoy the real aspect of sex more.

(Forums forgive me for what I am about to say.)

For example, he enjoys the AFP, so pretend like it is the best thing you have ever done. Get into it. Then explain to him how you “can’t wait” any longer for the rest. I am not going into details, but women - listen up. Take charge, take charge, take charge. That is what AFP is about most of the time. Men just want to be desired, so if you talk to your husband about desired he is, he will feel much better about it. Don’t wait for him to ask for AFP, just do it without him asking, then you take charge and move it into intercourse.

This may be horrible advice, but I am a guy with a former life, and I am trying to make a point. I desired AFP all the time, but if the girl threw me down and took charge, I didn’t care WHAT she did. (I can’t believe I am saying this. But I am just trying to help)

Men are going to want sex all the time. Chasity before marriage is where you are supposed to learn the patience to wait, so six weeks should be easy. Husbands here are at fault as well, but people only nag about something when thier needs aren’t being met. So, wives, chase your husband around the table when the kids arn’t home. Greet him at the door in some “Vicky’s” attire now and again. Throw him around for a change.

Men are wired completely different. And in that wiring, they want sex about 900 times a day. So just give him POSITIVE encouragement to partake in the real part of sex.

I won’t speak about what porn has done to men, but trying to break that hold on how sex SHOULD be, and not what porn makes it out to be, is VERY hard. Remember, positive reenforcement. Flexibility, giving and playfulness will change his mind. When he nags about wanting AFP to finish, don’t fight or sigh about it, just give him the encouragement he needs in the right direction.
 
40.png
anna1978:
It’s still 6 weeks.
Click to expand...
Six weeks is still the norm, but with a natural childbirth, often the mom feels well enough to resume intercourse before 6 weeks. I researched this pretty extensively after my 2nd birth, my first natural birth. After my first birth, with an epidural, I was still nervous about resuming at 6 weeks. After having a natural birth, I felt great after a few days, but basically just waited for the bleeding to stop. This birth was by far my easiest–I was VERY blessed with a quick and easy delivery-- and now at 2 weeks I feel pretty good physically. Right now it is more of an emotional thing for me. I’m pretty tapped out worrying about 4 little ones’ needs–I just can’t get myself to the point of worrying about his (dh) right now. I just keep thinking that he needs to put his “big boy britches” on and help out around here and keep the focus on our kids for a few weeks and not on his little “member”. It has really only been a little over 2 weeks since we last were together. I’m thinking he can wait a few more days until I’m ready.

I just hate feeling like I’m disappointing him, and that is the message I’m getting from him, and one that I don’t think I need right now. Last night I asked if he would pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary with me and he responded that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with anything Catholic right now. He’s made a couple of other comments like this, insinuating that it is the Catholic Church’s fault that he’s missing out on AFP.
 
40.png
ConcernCatholic:
I was just trying to share my personal struggles because you can’t talk about this stuff just anywhere.
Click to expand...
Very true, and I’m so thankful that there are other people out there with the similar issues. Thank you for sharing. It really helps to “talk” it through.
 
40.png
rayne89:
This may sound off topic but there may be a link here has your husband viewed or currently view porn? My husband (and even I :o ) viewed porn pretty regularily in the beginning of our marriage and it really changes the way you approach intimacy. Once the porn was finally gone I noticed a gradual but distinct change during intimacy. Porn really messes with your head. It sounds like your hubby is approaching marital intimacy rather selfishly which was a problem with us to back then.

It really is hard when your not on the same wave length and I really do sympathize. The frustrating part is we can’t force people to change their line of thinking. It’s a difficult fine line to walk when your trying to lead a good Christian life and also not alienate your non-practicing husband at the same. Maybe once your able to resume relations try spicing things up in other ways that are still acceptable for marriage relations.

I wish I had an easy answer for. God Bless.
Click to expand...
We have viewed porn together as well, although not since I have become Catholic and confessed it. So true that it influences your intimacy in such a strong way. DH has gotten away from porn as well, but I do think he struggles with “lust of the eyes” quite a bit.
 
Lone Catholic:
Six weeks is still the norm, but with a natural childbirth, often the mom feels well enough to resume intercourse before 6 weeks. I researched this pretty extensively after my 2nd birth, my first natural birth. After my first birth, with an epidural, I was still nervous about resuming at 6 weeks. After having a natural birth, I felt great after a few days, but basically just waited for the bleeding to stop. This birth was by far my easiest–I was VERY blessed with a quick and easy delivery-- and now at 2 weeks I feel pretty good physically. Right now it is more of an emotional thing for me. I’m pretty tapped out worrying about 4 little ones’ needs–I just can’t get myself to the point of worrying about his (dh) right now. I just keep thinking that he needs to put his “big boy britches” on and help out around here and keep the focus on our kids for a few weeks and not on his little “member”. It has really only been a little over 2 weeks since we last were together. I’m thinking he can wait a few more days until I’m ready.

I just hate feeling like I’m disappointing him, and that is the message I’m getting from him, and one that I don’t think I need right now. Last night I asked if he would pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary with me and he responded that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with anything Catholic right now. He’s made a couple of other comments like this, insinuating that it is the Catholic Church’s fault that he’s missing out on AFP.
Click to expand...
I call the shots like I see them, and in my previous post I beat up the girls a little bit, but I will say that your husband needs to have some of that “giving” I was talking about too. Don’t argue about it - he can’t MAKE you say anything when he starts in, can he? Leave the room, go take care of the kids. Like I said, women need the emotional needs met a LOT moreso then men.

So, since he hasn’t taken a lesson from me about how silly men act sometimes, when he starts wining just give him a sideways smile and tell him how great it is going to be when you feel better. He has to learn patience. It falls under my flexibility catagory. But no nagging for him to stop! Do it with giving, with playfulness.
 
40.png
Unfinished:
For example, he enjoys the AFP, so pretend like it is the best thing you have ever done. Get into it. Then explain to him how you “can’t wait” any longer for the rest. I am not going into details, but women - listen up. Take charge, take charge, take charge. That is what AFP is about most of the time. Men just want to be desired, so if you talk to your husband about desired he is, he will feel much better about it. Don’t wait for him to ask for AFP, just do it without him asking, then you take charge and move it into intercourse.

This may be horrible advice, but I am a guy with a former life, and I am trying to make a point. I desired AFP all the time, but if the girl threw me down and took charge, I didn’t care WHAT she did. (I can’t believe I am saying this. But I am just trying to help)

Men are going to want sex all the time. Chasity before marriage is where you are supposed to learn the patience to wait, so six weeks should be easy. Husbands here are at fault as well, but people only nag about something when thier needs aren’t being met. So, wives, chase your husband around the table when the kids arn’t home. Greet him at the door in some “Vicky’s” attire now and again. Throw him around for a change.

Men are wired completely different. And in that wiring, they want sex about 900 times a day. So just give him POSITIVE encouragement to partake in the real part of sex.
Click to expand...
Umm…that’s kind of what I was getting at by spicing things up but didn’t quite have the guts to go into all that detail. You may not be married but I am and have been for 15 years and as a woman I absolutely agree with you.
 
Lone Catholic:
Last night I asked if he would pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary with me and he responded that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with anything Catholic right now. He’s made a couple of other comments like this, insinuating that it is the Catholic Church’s fault that he’s missing out on AFP.
Click to expand...
If it makes you feel any better: my church-going, practicing Catholic dh (we just went to Lourdes and Fatima together with the children), who even spent a few years in seminary (long before he met me) isn’t keen on ‘praying together’, I think it just feels ‘weird’ to a lot of men…So, don’t worry about that too much…

As for him blaming the Church, for sure…because he can’t get his mind wrapped around the ‘Why can’t I do this’…So, maybe letting him read the reasoning behind it might help him understand.

Anna x
 
40.png
anna1978:
If it makes you feel any better: my church-going, practicing Catholic dh (we just went to Lourdes and Fatima together with the children), who even spent a few years in seminary (long before he met me) isn’t keen on ‘praying together’, I think it just feels ‘weird’ to a lot of men…So, don’t worry about that too much…

As for him blaming the Church, for sure…because he can’t get his mind wrapped around the ‘Why can’t I do this’…So, maybe letting him read the reasoning behind it might help him understand.

Anna x
Click to expand...
Yeah good point.
 
40.png
OutinChgoburbs:
I’m afraid this would have been my approach.

You should not be engaged in such activity until your doctor has given you a check-up and his or her OK. it used to be six weeks. Has this changed?
Click to expand...
I had a completely natural home birth with my second child and my midwife said that I could resume activities whenever I felt comfortable with it. My bleeding stopped at two weeks so we resumed activities.

I had my first child in the hospital and had an epidural, episiotimy, induction, and I don’t know what else. I bled for almost 6 weeks and still didn’t feel like resuming activities.

So it really depends on you, your care provider, and how complicated delivery was.
 
40.png
ConcernCatholic:
I had a completely natural home birth with my second child and my midwife said that I could resume activities whenever I felt comfortable with it. My bleeding stopped at two weeks so we resumed activities.

I had my first child in the hospital and had an epidural, episiotimy, induction, and I don’t know what else. I bled for almost 6 weeks and still didn’t feel like resuming activities.

So it really depends on you, your care provider, and how complicated delivery was.
Click to expand...
HEY! I had a home birth this time! It was awesome!! Good thing atually, or I would have had a baby in the car with three little ones in their carseats watching! I woke up at 6 am and had the baby at 8:11 am! DH caught the baby and the midwife got here about 45 minutes later. I crawled in my cozy bed with my newborn and ate a wonderful brunch that my friend made for us and watched the little ones through my window out in the backyard playing their hearts out on a beautiful spring day. It was a beautiful day!
 
40.png
Unfinished:
I want women to understand something right now, as this has been a problem between men and women for the better part of 6000 years.

Women, in general, just want to feel loved when it comes to these things. They feel loved either by the man making them feel loved, or they can feel loved by making thier man happy. Either way, in a healthy marriage, women look more for the emotional aspect. (Not to say women don’t get urges, but in general)

Men, on the other hand, while enjoying the intimacy of the emotionals, are very visual creatures. That is why porn has such a hold on mankind. Men like visuals, they like to watch. That is why “AFP” has such an appeal. One - it is relaxing to the man. Two - he enjoys the feeling of “being taken care of”. Three - he gets to watch. And, in general, men’s sex drive is about triple that of a woman.
Click to expand...
Even though I didn’t copy the whole post I do want to express my appreciation for your thoughts. I think this has been what my husband has been trying to tell me but I just haven’t been too quick on the uptake. 😦

Thanks again!
 
Holy cow!!! He was pestering you for sex ONE WEEK AFTER YOU GAVE BIRTH???
 
Well, we ended up talking about everything yesterday. Don’t know why I thought it would help, and I’m not sure it did. He is just so bitter about MY new convictions changing HIS lifestyle. Which I can understand, I really can. And I do feel bad for him. I just kept saying to him that if one person has a reluctance towards OS, even if they don’t think anything is wrong with it, it would be wrong for the other to pester his mate for it. His point is that it is not MY conviction, but that of the Catholic Church–he knows my struggle with the teaching. I tried to explain that if it is a teaching of the Church, it becomes my conviction, whether or not I believe it. Which totally pisses him off. He can’t stand the whole authority thing. Especially when it causes him to not get his way

It is a difficult situation. I hate it. I hate disappointing him.
 
Lone Catholic:
Any suggestions?
Click to expand...
I should go to the priest. It is a sin. But as I read your posting I feel your husband should meet this when he looks at you and is asking for AFP: a smiling lovely wife in a celibate period ! And SHE decides how long that period will be. How much loving fun could he have with this lovely wife? How much does he love you then?
After our third child I as a husband choose celibacy for a period of one year. Such a good year it was ! And difficult.
 
Lone Catholic:
Well, we ended up talking about everything yesterday. Don’t know why I thought it would help, and I’m not sure it did. He is just so bitter about MY new convictions changing HIS lifestyle. Which I can understand, I really can. And I do feel bad for him. I just kept saying to him that if one person has a reluctance towards OS, even if they don’t think anything is wrong with it, it would be wrong for the other to pester his mate for it. His point is that it is not MY conviction, but that of the Catholic Church–he knows my struggle with the teaching. I tried to explain that if it is a teaching of the Church, it becomes my conviction, whether or not I believe it. Which totally pisses him off. He can’t stand the whole authority thing. Especially when it causes him to not get his way

It is a difficult situation. I hate it. I hate disappointing him.
Click to expand...
The really ironic thing is that your husband is really making things extra hard on himself. He is already having to follow some of the most difficult and self-sacrificing teachings of the Catholic Church, but without the graces, without the benefits. He doesn’t realize it, but in many ways he already is a Catholic. I think he would be able to better reap the benefits of the sacrifices he is already making, if he would just submit.
 
40.png
dulcissima:
The really ironic thing is that your husband is really making things extra hard on himself. He is already having to follow some of the most difficult and self-sacrificing teachings of the Catholic Church, but without the graces, without the benefits. He doesn’t realize it, but in many ways he already is a Catholic. I think he would be able to better reap the benefits of the sacrifices he is already making, if he would just submit.
Click to expand...
How true…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top