My husband's secret

[Ellen_Mary]

OP I understand exactly how you’re feeling as my husband is also addicted to internet porn and watches porn daily. We have over the past 10 years had many arguements and upsets over this, but he’s not prepared/ready to do anything about it. So our physical sex life is non existant and has been for about 4 years, I dont see this changing as I have got to the stage where I can’t even think that way about him. It is heartbreaking when you think you have got this sorted out then find your husband has been lying to you over and over at every opportunity.

I would suggest fitting a filter to the pc so that he can’t access the porn without it informing you. If he’s willing to accept he has a problem (which my husband isn’t) then definately a councelling course. I know how degrading it makes you feel that your husband would rather watch/look at other women in sexual acts than put that effort into his own marriage. But PLEASE dont think this way, YOU have done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel shame or embarrassed. The only person who’s to blame is your husband.

I truly believe internet porn is so widely available its an epidemic and it effects millions. I have often wished the internet hadn’t been invented as so many marriages are in danger because of this problem. But the internet is also a force for good and many many great things are possible because of it.

I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and I’ll pray for you and for your husband also. Take time for yourself and make sure you get the space you need to heal and put these measures in place. God bless x

 

[askned]

With Hell looming, to use your own words, you must forgive him, especially if he asks. He’s an addict. He needs your help.

Mercy and. confrontation and mercy and confrontation…

 

[Hospitaller_Kni]

This is terrible, I will pray for you and your husband.

 

[annamargaretmar]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

I went through the same situation. See if your diocese has a ‘My Father’s House’ program or another one for sexual addiction issues. I attended Sex Addicts Annon. partners’ program but they are not Catholic…There are many good Catholic therapists trained in this and men’s programs. He will need the support of other men to deal with this. It can’t come from you, other than your encouragement and stand perhaps, that you won’t allow this to continue…Feel free to message me through this site if you like. It is heartbreaking; I do have quite a few resources.

God bless you and I will pray.

 

[kmaaj]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found…

I have some suggestions. Take them or leave them as you see fit.

1. Find a COMPASSIONATE licensed therapist that has a faith based approach. Secular therapists approach this subject from a faux libertarian standpoint. Expect therapy to last 8-12 months.
2. Pornography is the devil’s icons. If your husband is as devout as you say he is, then do a precursory reading of what icons are in the Byzantine Catholic/Orthodox tradition, obtain a BUNCH of them, have them blessed, and have them in every room in the house. Set an icon as the wallpaper on his computer. The thinking here is this: if he does not look at another pornographic image ever again, the images in his head will still linger. He needs to replace those images. The devil’s icons cannot coexist with holy icons.
3. A very holy priest once told me “That the Jews may have gotten out of Egypt, but Egypt did not necessarily get out of the Jews…” Even if he never physically looks at another pornographic image, the effects of this addiction are going to linger with him for a very long time. This will take some understanding and patience on your part.
4. When he breaks free of this addiction, some type of anxiety WILL replace it. The ideal means of dealing with the anxiety is meditative prayer. That may take some practice to be effective. In the meantime, there will be the temptation to self medicate. Don’t. Talk to his therapist and his PCP about a light prescription (xanax,maybe?)
5. Even if he never logs into another porn site ever again, spammers and rotating ad banners work off of our browsing habits. It my take a spell for the banner ads at “Words with Friends” and what have you to reflect his new browsing habits.
6. All of the above is moot if a rigorous prayer discipline is not in place. Only Jesus can lead him out of this wilderness, and He stands ready to do so. It is totally up to your husband to cooperate with His grace, latch onto the hem of His garment and never let go. Yesterday is a good time to refresh exactly what the Eucharist is.

 

[ahollars]

After reading these posts, I have decided to jump in with my experience.

I don’t meant to give excuses, but it is best not to dwell on how it started in the first place. The bottom line is simple: he was not taking his faith seriously. People who use porn view it as a private sin, and who can blame them. Society tells us that prostitution is a victimless crime, and it’s even legal in a few counties outside of Vegas.

I concur with the people who said to use internet filters. I’m in the IT world, and I took things to the extreme by simply blocking the entire internet. Then I opened only the sites that were approved. Moving the computer to the living room will not be enough if he has a smartphone, laptop, or an IPad. Most people have routers with their home internet service. They are capable of filtering anything, including the mobile devices.

Chastity is a lifestyle, not a status. A permanent change to his way of thinking and living is required. Once his access is blocked, he will have some more idle time on his hands. It is the idle time that is just as much to blame as the bad habit itself.

We instruct you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, to shun any brother who conducts himself in a disorderly way and not according to the tradition they received from us. For you know how one must imitate us. For we did not act in a disorderly way among you, nor did we eat food received free from anyone. On the contrary, in toil and drudgery, night and day we worked, so as not to burden any of you. Not that we do not have the right. Rather, we wanted to present ourselves as a model for you, so that you might imitate us. In fact, when we were with you, we instructed you that if anyone was unwilling to work, neither should that one eat. We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business of others. Such people we instruct and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to work quietly and to eat their own food. But you, brothers, do not be remiss in doing good. If anyone does not obey our word as expressed in this letter, take note of this person not to associate with him, that he may be put to shame. Do not regard him as an enemy but admonish him as a brother.

~2 Thessalonians 3:6-15~

Daily prayer, frequent confession, worthy communion, fasting, penance, and alms giving are all great, but they are still not enough. My pastor once said, “Even if you are doing all of these things, congratulations. You are now a Catholic child. That is the bare minimum, and it does not mean that you are finished. It means that you finally got started.”

OP, The ugly truth is that if he has time to look at porn, then he has too much free time on his hands. His “presenting himself as a devout Catholic” needs to be strictly admonished BY YOU. My wife probably would’ve slapped me in the face if I had lied to her about it. I’m not saying to do that, but I wouldn’t blame you if you did. As for what to do with the idle time, you and he may need to find that together if he cannot find it on his own.

I am not prepared to celebrate, but let’s just say that I’ve been doing good for awhile, and I’ve been counting my “sober days”. It’s not impossible. It can be done. Don’t despair.

 

[afs108]

Hi ElleDub,

Firstly, I’ll offer my Office for your family tomorrow.

Secondly, a few rescources I found immensly useful: yourbrainonporn.com explains the science behind pornography addiction - once you know how it attacks you, it is SO much easier to defend against.
NoFap and NoFapChristians are two related Internet communities on Reddit dedicated to quitting porn and masturbation (fapping is Internet slang for masturbation). They are worth looking up for tactics, support and advice.
The Angelic Warfare Confraternity, is a confraternity dedicated to chastity and purity, following the model and under the patronage of Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception and St. Thomas Aquinas, the Angelic Doctor. It is one of the things I have found most powerful on the spiritual front - if I can keep up with the devotion to St. Thomas, so much slots into place.

Lastly, depending on your situation, some extended time in strict retreat can only do your husband good (a fortnight or a month in a traditionally-minded monastery). The removal of temptations really helps getting over the initial hurdle of going cold-turkey, and he’ll have a lot of time to take stock away from pressures and worries.

Stay close to Our Lady- and pray to your husband’s guardian angel!

• Oremus pro invicem

 

[HollyDolly]

What about getting some parental control software for your computers? Get one that will let you type in a special password—one that he couldn’t get into if he has administrator rights on the computer. I don’t know much about parental controls though. If he wants the password just say why would you need to change your settings? The only thing I blocked was porn! That should get him really flustered.

That’s a great idea. having some sort of blocker.Also, you might want to talk to him about his addiction.If he wasn’t interested in porn before when you first got married,why is he into it now? Have you noticed changes in his behaviour recently? Maybe you might suggest some sort of couple’s counseling Maybe he might open up to your priest or some lay person who does marriage counseling so you can find out why he is so interested in it. Maybe he possibly wants you to do a few things like oral sex or whatever that is not going on between you two now.There has to be a reason for it.Obviously he does have a problem and it’s not your fault or because of anything you did .