My incredible lack of humility

[JLCecilia]

I just totally bombed yesterday. I’m not big on playing hostess b/c I’m not good at doing it graciously and I’m intensely insecure, but a few times a year I do it so that we can host DH’s family to celebrate our kids’ birthdays.

It started when DH was grumpy w/ the kids just before guests arrived and then made rebukes ABOUT me, but not TO me. He may not have even mentioned my name, but he sure meant it toward me that I had overlooked something that was bothering him (not turning down the thermostat in order to cool the house down soon enough, forgetting to put out potato salad and pasta salad [when everyone had plenty of sides to eat]). So that every time someone spoke to me or beckoned for help with the baby (now 1yo) or mentioned that the baby might need a diaper change, I took it with the upmost irriatation or as an outright rebuke.

I was scrambling the entire time to get everything in order or pick up from the last round and prepare for the next. I finally sat down to eat and if the baby happened to fall (on the other side of the room), everyone just looked around and one person even said to the person right next to the baby to help him, but they didn’t Thankfully he was alright, but then I just felt this intensity in the room that I’d been shirking my parenting duty b/c I didn’t get up from my lunch (on the floor) to help the baby up when there were able-bodied people around him.

For the love of Pete, people, I’ve been in the kitchen all day preparing your meal and you couldn’t help me out just a little? I went to a birthday party for my GF’s little boy this weekend and the whole time I was just asking what I could do to help her out, and I did.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I could live Mother Teresa’s humility list and accept rebukes humbly and graciously and not be so easily offended. I know the big ugly here is PRIDE. Just wish I’d handled myself better and been more willing to serve. If anybody said a word about the baby’s diaper (at least 3 times in 2 hours), I didn’t say a word, just scooped him and took him to our room to change him. But when I returned to our room full of guests, in my heart I was thinking “There, are you satisfied, will you get off my back now?”

O, Lord, how I have failed thee!

 

[JLCecilia]

Monicad, I forgot to mention how easily I passed the blame to DH for my bad mood b/c of his comments. I just read in Thessalonians Ch 5 this morning not to match evil with evil. Sheesh! I think all of the irritation was really stemming from within me and I don’t at all blame everyone who was irritating me - I was just being ultra sensitive. I don’t expect anyone to help out with the food prep or dishes when we host. I think what bothered me was everyone making the ‘observation’ that the baby’s diaper was sagging instead of just bringing the baby to me and saying to me quietly and eye-to-eye, “I think he needs a diaper change.”

I would have taken him right then without any hard feelings. I just need to quit making other people feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me. I’m sure they all felt the tension btwn DH and me. Normally I get heaps of sympathy from DH’s family, but not this time. It was just one of those days.

I like your idea to apologize and give prayer cards.

 

[Xantippe]

When you want help, ask for help. Be specific about what you want and ask a specific person.

If nobody helps you when you do that, go ahead and be mad. But don’t expect people to read your mind. And maybe stop trying to read your husband’s mind, too–he might have been criticizing HIMSELF and his own forgetfulness when he mentioned the stuff that was undone.

Best wishes!

 

[As_for_my_House]

It sounds like you were serving a crowd instead of a small group. If you forgot two sides for what was a small group that would have been half of your meal and I doubt that you would forget half of the meal. It also sounds like you had no help to serve this crowd. Doing the near impossible is not a act of humility, you needed help and for some reason were unable to get help.

I have been where you are with these kind of events. I’m not going to jump to any conclusions from my own experiences as to why you had no help from your husband or the family. But you do need to think carefully about how to make it clear all concerned that serving a large group singlehandedly is not doable for you, and find alternatives if possible.
Honestly, even home caterers will insist that you hire the right number of servers given a number of guests for any event you plan to host your home. The minimum is two.

I had to give up hosting family BBQs, holiday dinners and such because of lack of help from family and lack for funds to hire help.
And another thought that could be an issue, I’m hoping that you will consider that even a husband’s help probably won’t be enough to cover the work of hosting a large group.

It isn’t much but I hope It helps. God bless.

 

[mommamaree]

JLCecilia,

I always love your threads! You are so honest and willing to confront yourself about your failings. While you might have been irritated and stressed out that day, for a variety of reasons, the fact that you are willing to examine yourself and call yourself to task for a failure of patience/charity that day demonstrates that you have more of the virtue of humility than you think.

I love Monicad’s idea of a little card/note expressing your apology and your prayers for them. Such a simple way to let people know that you recognize the problem was within you and not their fault.

My family recently traveled cross-country to attend 4th of July get-togethers with lots of extended family. We were the only cousins with more than one child (a couple were expecting their second child) and not only do we have more than one child, but we have 4 and I am expecting our fifth. So, without apology, I used a Pack n’ Play for those times when I could not possibly chase a toddler and corral a preschooler and keep an eye on my rambunctious older two children. People made many comments about a baby jail and said oh how sad the baby is cooped up. It did bother me a little bit, because not a single one of the extended relatives who made those comments knew a thing about raising a child past toddlerhood yet, despite many being older than me, so how could they possibly know what is necessary or not? I just smiled and let them talk. I have gotten so used such comments and criticism, and the fact of the matter is, it always comes right back around to awe and amusement that not only do I handle so many little kids, but that we actually WANTED to have a large family. Anyway, I just share that story because I know that we busy moms of multiples are often rebuked or criticized for the different way we handle things from moms of one or two, but the fact of the matter is, if we ever want to eat or rest or sleep or go to the bathroom for goodness sake, a baby may have to wait for a diaper change for a few moments or be confined to the crib or playpen for a while. No shame in that!

 

[Galbin]

It started when DH was grumpy w/ the kids just before guests arrived and then made rebukes ABOUT me, but not TO me. He may not have even mentioned my name, but he sure meant it toward me that I had overlooked something that was bothering him (not turning down the thermostat in order to cool the house down soon enough, forgetting to put out potato salad and pasta salad [when everyone had plenty of sides to eat]).

Sounds like your DH was pretty grumpy and played a part in your stress TBH.

Did he make these comments to other people or just to you?

 

[Allegra]

I actually like hosting get-togethers and do it pretty requently, but I have to admit that I sometimes feel that way as well. I especially get annoyed at my husband when I’m rushing around, passing out drinks, trying to get rolls out of the oven, taking people’s coats, dealing with the EXTREMELY ANNOYING habit that some guests have of bringing their own special beverages that inevitably necessitate standing in my way, slicing up lemons and limes, and taking up my whole countertop with various bottles while I’m trying to cook… (You know who your are!) Any what is DH doing while this is going on? He’s checking facebook on his smart phone! Get off your bum and get your grandma a Pepsi!

I try to do the following to help with the stress.

1. There is no shame in buying ready-made food from the deli.
2. If there are more than ten people involved, we’re talking paper plates and cans or bottles of drinks. They have really nice paper plates these days. They actually make some that match my china pattern. Seriously!
3. I do not send a male to buy a last minute item at the store unless I am willing to be happy with whatever they bring back. (which will probably be the wrong size or not even the correct item at all.) There is no point in asking them to ask the baker where the unsliced rye loafs are. They would rather just not come back.
4. I try to give myself an hour of chill time before the guests are supposed to arrive. That way I can sip a cocktail and admire all my work before the rush begins.

 

[JLCecilia]

AsForMyHouse, well, I can tell you that NOT hosting DH’s family for the kids’ birthdays is out of the question. We had our first (and LAST) ‘friends’ birthday party for my 8yo on Saturday and I would have preferred to just have DH’s family attend that gathering and call it good. I had a friend bake cupcakes and we ordered pizza - easy peasy. But DH insisted on having a more personal/intimate gathering JUST for his family where our attention wasn’t distracted by ‘outsiders’ (DS’s friends/other parents). Or maybe DH didn’t want other people meeting his family - who knows.

The hubs is normally fairly helpful getting the house in order, but when it comes to food prep, all he will do is the grilling. He won’t even bother to get the hotdogs and such out of the package, despite my frantically attending to guests, my children and the laundry list of to-dos around the kitchen. I feel like he’s constantly on me to tend to something other than what I’m doing as thought I’m never doing what I ought to be! I have to give him props for all the yardwork he got done. This had nothing to do w/ the party, but when I asked him to help get the house ready for everyone, that’s what he chose to do. Glad it’s done, regardless.

We had a pretty hectic day Saturday, so Friday night was the night to get things done and it all came together okay, just not with our attitudes intact! DH’s normal routine is to sleep in till about 11, then get himself ready, run and get a few things (ice, propane, whatever) and get the grill ready for everyone to eat at 1. It’s NEVER ready at 1, more like 130, but I think everyone’s come to expect that - they know we’re never on time for anything. We’ve come to make our peace w/ one another on this routine and DH has at least gotten better about manning the kids and guests while I do everything else, but I guess it was just an off day.

Just wish I could have handled it better. I DID tell him that I was going to be the first to get a nap after the party b/c normally it’s HIM. He didn’t argue with me on that point.

 

[maryjk]

I am with “As for my House.”

I think if someone had made a negative comment about me forgetting the potato salad, I would have said, “Sorry, let me show where we hide the refrigerator.” I might have even added, “I know sometimes they are hard to find.”

And I would stop hosting people that want to be waited on hand and foot. Sorry, that just doesn’t happen in my house.

 

[Allegra]

People made many comments about a baby jail and said oh how sad the baby is cooped up. It did bother me a little bit, because not a single one of the extended relatives who made those comments knew a thing about raising a child past toddlerhood yet, despite many being older than me, so how could they possibly know what is necessary or not? :

I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but we jokingly refer to our own pack n play as the ‘baby cage’ all the time and we have absolutely no problem using it. Isn’t that what it’s for? To provide a safe place to play while you make dinner and take a shower? I think a lot of people call it that. They may not have meant anything by it.

 

[Xantippe]

AsForMyHouse, well, I can tell you that NOT hosting DH’s family for the kids’ birthdays is out of the question. We had our first (and LAST) ‘friends’ birthday party for my 8yo on Saturday and I would have preferred to just have DH’s family attend that gathering and call it good. I had a friend bake cupcakes and we ordered pizza - easy peasy. But DH insisted on having a more personal/intimate gathering JUST for his family where our attention wasn’t distracted by ‘outsiders’ (DS’s friends/other parents). Or maybe DH didn’t want other people meeting his family - who knows.

The hubs is normally fairly helpful getting the house in order, but when it comes to food prep, all he will do is the grilling. He won’t even bother to get the hotdogs and such out of the package, despite my frantically attending to guests, my children and the laundry list of to-dos around the kitchen. I feel like he’s constantly on me to tend to something other than what I’m doing as thought I’m never doing what I ought to be! I have to give him props for all the yardwork he got done. This had nothing to do w/ the party, but when I asked him to help get the house ready for everyone, that’s what he chose to do. Glad it’s done, regardless.

We had a pretty hectic day Saturday, so Friday night was the night to get things done and it all came together okay, just not with our attitudes intact! DH’s normal routine is to sleep in till about 11, then get himself ready, run and get a few things (ice, propane, whatever) and get the grill ready for everyone to eat at 1. It’s NEVER ready at 1, more like 130, but I think everyone’s come to expect that - they know we’re never on time for anything. We’ve come to make our peace w/ one another on this routine and DH has at least gotten better about manning the kids and guests while I do everything else, but I guess it was just an off day.

Just wish I could have handled it better. I DID tell him that I was going to be the first to get a nap after the party b/c normally it’s HIM. He didn’t argue with me on that point.

1. It’s normal to do a “friends party” separate from a “family party.” I’ve only seen them combined a few times, and I’ve been to LOTS of kid b-days.
2. Give your husband a more specific to-do list for the day of the party. As he is occupied with the grill, maybe one of his main jobs needs to be NOT GIVING JL CECILIA POINTERS. Offer him the choice of either doing the stuff he remembers himself or keeping his mouth shut.
3. 1:30 is not absolutely crazy for starting to eat, especially if you have salads and drinks ready to go. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a BBQ where there was immediately food available.

 

[Allegra]

AsForMyHouse, well, I can tell you that NOT hosting DH’s family for the kids’ birthdays is out of the question. We had our first (and LAST) ‘friends’ birthday party for my 8yo on Saturday and I would have preferred to just have DH’s family attend that gathering and call it good. I had a friend bake cupcakes and we ordered pizza - easy peasy. But DH insisted on having a more personal/intimate gathering JUST for his family where our attention wasn’t distracted by ‘outsiders’ (DS’s friends/other parents). Or maybe DH didn’t want other people meeting his family - who knows.

The hubs is normally fairly helpful getting the house in order, but when it comes to food prep, all he will do is the grilling. He won’t even bother to get the hotdogs and such out of the package, despite my frantically attending to guests, my children and the laundry list of to-dos around the kitchen. I feel like he’s constantly on me to tend to something other than what I’m doing as thought I’m never doing what I ought to be! I have to give him props for all the yardwork he got done. This had nothing to do w/ the party, but when I asked him to help get the house ready for everyone, that’s what he chose to do. Glad it’s done, regardless.

We had a pretty hectic day Saturday, so Friday night was the night to get things done and it all came together okay, just not with our attitudes intact! DH’s normal routine is to sleep in till about 11, then get himself ready, run and get a few things (ice, propane, whatever) and get the grill ready for everyone to eat at 1. It’s NEVER ready at 1, more like 130, but I think everyone’s come to expect that - they know we’re never on time for anything. We’ve come to make our peace w/ one another on this routine and DH has at least gotten better about manning the kids and guests while I do everything else, but I guess it was just an off day.

Just wish I could have handled it better. I DID tell him that I was going to be the first to get a nap after the party b/c normally it’s HIM. He didn’t argue with me on that point.

When I ask my husband to help get the house ready for a party, I have to be specific. Otherwise, his idea of “helping” is to spend two hours compiling the perfect party playlist on his MP3 player.

 

[Xantippe]

It also sounds like your husband’s idea of an “intimate family party” is about 4X larger than yours.

In my book, an intimate family party is just our immediate household. We do those on occasion–you can too. I know a family with four kids that has the following rule: each child can have a big blowout b-day every other year. We sometimes offer our kids the option of a trip our more expensive outing instead of a party. For instance, we might do a night at the beach or two nights at Great Wolf Lodge or take one (1.00) family of good friends to the water park. There are endless variations.

 

[Xantippe]

When I ask my husband to help get the house ready for a party, I have to be specific. Otherwise, his idea of “helping” is to spend two hours compiling the perfect party playlist on his MP3 player.

Funny!

 

[JLCecilia]

Allegra, normally for our kids whose birthdays are in December, it’s too cold to grill and I just order a deli tray and everyone enjoys that. Drinks are normally just soda and tea and everyone fixes their own. I think DH’s opposition to pizza is just that nobody else in the family resorts to ready-made food, it’s always home-cooked. It really is more expensive to cater food than make it ourselves and we’re in a tight enough spot that convenience doesn’t trump our pocketbook (esp after already hosting pizza on Saturday).

mommamaree, I had a similar experience to yours last month when we went to the lake for our ‘daycation’ with extended family. Our littlest one was just learning to totter around and, after 4, you really let your hair down and don’t get too excited when they’re falling every 30 seconds. I can’t think of a time when he fell that caused him to cry. The other thing that bugs me is my MIL bringing junk food for the kids. We bring food for our family to take care of hunger pains during the day to get us through till the big cook-out spread in the evening, but I’m bringing water and cut-up fruit, cheese and crackers and trail mix. She brings gummy snacks. She showed me where the box advertised that the fruit snacks were made with veggies (she’s trying at least) but all I could think was: that junk still sticks in their teeth and there’s no such thing as an organic twinkie. In other words, junk food is junk food, no matter WHAT the label says.

Breathe, JL, just breathe.

 

[mommamaree]

I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but we jokingly refer to our own pack n play as the ‘baby cage’ all the time and we have absolutely no problem using it. Isn’t that what it’s for? To provide a safe place to play while you make dinner and take a shower? I think a lot of people call it that. They may not have meant anything by it.

Oh yeah, we joke about the cage or baby jail all the time here, too! It is just that they didn’t even see the need for the use of one. That is because their child had grandparents to hold them and watch them if they needed to step away. My husband’s parents are divorced, so between his dad, my husband and myself, we still had one more child than grownup at the gathering. So while I was showering the children after they swam in the lake or while I was resting my back, I had to put the baby down somewhere safe, whereas, they could just pass the baby off to grandma. I have no hard feelings about it at all. They all ended up seeing how hard we work to care for our children with love, so the differences in method are irrelevant. I just shared the story in this thread because I know how hard it can be to feel put on the spot because you did things differently than others, and just needed a breather or a chance at a meal.

 

[Xantippe]

Allegra, normally for our kids whose birthdays are in December, it’s too cold to grill and I just order a deli tray and everyone enjoys that. Drinks are normally just soda and tea and everyone fixes their own. I think DH’s opposition to pizza is just that nobody else in the family resorts to ready-made food, it’s always home-cooked. It really is more expensive to cater food than make it ourselves and we’re in a tight enough spot that convenience doesn’t trump our pocketbook (esp after already hosting pizza on Saturday).

mommamaree, I had a similar experience to yours last month when we went to the lake for our ‘daycation’ with extended family. Our littlest one was just learning to totter around and, after 4, you really let your hair down and don’t get too excited when they’re falling every 30 seconds. I can’t think of a time when he fell that caused him to cry. The other thing that bugs me is my MIL bringing junk food for the kids. We bring food for our family to take care of hunger pains during the day to get us through till the big cook-out spread in the evening, but I’m bringing water and cut-up fruit, cheese and crackers and trail mix. She brings gummy snacks. She showed me where the box advertised that the fruit snacks were made with veggies (she’s trying at least) but all I could think was: that junk still sticks in their teeth and there’s no such thing as an organic twinkie. In other words, junk food is junk food, no matter WHAT the label says.

Breathe, JL, just breathe.

Wow, MIL is trying, but MIL is very naive. Did you show her the ingredients on the box?

 

[mommamaree]

Allegra, normally for our kids whose birthdays are in December, it’s too cold to grill and I just order a deli tray and everyone enjoys that. Drinks are normally just soda and tea and everyone fixes their own. I think DH’s opposition to pizza is just that nobody else in the family resorts to ready-made food, it’s always home-cooked. It really is more expensive to cater food than make it ourselves and we’re in a tight enough spot that convenience doesn’t trump our pocketbook (esp after already hosting pizza on Saturday).

mommamaree, I had a similar experience to yours last month when we went to the lake for our ‘daycation’ with extended family. Our littlest one was just learning to totter around and, after 4, you really let your hair down and don’t get too excited when they’re falling every 30 seconds. I can’t think of a time when he fell that caused him to cry. The other thing that bugs me is my MIL bringing junk food for the kids. We bring food for our family to take care of hunger pains during the day to get us through till the big cook-out spread in the evening, but I’m bringing water and cut-up fruit, cheese and crackers and trail mix. She brings gummy snacks. She showed me where the box advertised that the fruit snacks were made with veggies (she’s trying at least) but all I could think was: that junk still sticks in their teeth and there’s no such thing as an organic twinkie. In other words, junk food is junk food, no matter WHAT the label says.

Breathe, JL, just breathe.

Oh, those awful gummy snacks!!!
My MIL always offers them to the kids. Recently, at her house, my step-FIL asked if the kids could have a fruit snack. I said yes, they could have fruit for a snack (thinking apple or grape). We were planning to eat in one hour, and I knew there was a platter of fruit and some veggies in the fridge. He said okay, and went to get them some. A moment later, my husband clarified that the FIL had meant gummy snacks. I checked and sure enough, he was getting out the gummies. I said no, they may not have any. He said, but they are fruit snacks. I said, are they made with fruit? He looked at the package and lo and behold, they are made with fruit flavor, sugar, water, gelatin and a host of stabilizers and artificial colors. He seemed confused. I said no they may not have that. He said, but their cousin is getting one. I repeated that my children may not have one, even if the cousin is getting one, and that they are capable of waiting for dinner. They were very surprised, but guess what, my kids actually ate a good dinner when they were served, with multiple helpings of meat and veggies and fruit. I know that they would have had a sugar high followed by a serious crash and meltdown and would have refused to eat a healthy dinner if I allowed them to eat those stupid glorified gum drops one hour before a healthy meal. And just to prove that I am not an anti-sugar nut, I will also tell you that they had a nice bowl of ice cream after they ate their healthy dinner.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[pianistclare]

I am with “As for my House.”

I think if someone had made a negative comment about me forgetting the potato salad, I would have said, “Sorry, let me show where we hide the refrigerator.” I might have even added, “I know sometimes they are hard to find.”

And I would stop hosting people that want to be waited on hand and foot. Sorry, that just doesn’t happen in my house.

Made my day!
Thanks!