M
MalteseFalcon92
Guest
Hello - newly signed up member navigating this place so hoping it’s in the right place!
A bit of info first to contextualise the following picture. I’m a male, 25 year old cradle Catholic born and raised in the UK - hiya!
Jan/Feb '17 saw me meet up with a Catholic woman. We had decent rapport and quite matched outlooks. One thing I could never have expected - in a matter of weeks and several dates, I fell. I fell hard. We were emotionally intimate but never physically. Just as things were getting serious - you know, approaching the ‘define us’ line - she ended everything and blitzed my life. Of course, she didn’t mean to have that effect.
Why was it so blitzing? Because she made my faith burn brighter. I felt a part of my core filled with purpose that it had never felt. For the first time in my adult life, I made a concerted effort to pray thankful prayers each morning. It wasn’t an easy ‘relationship’ even from the off due to her anxiety and mercurial moods. But every time I prayed, the answer seemed to be pointed her way. Naturally, that made the ending more inexplicable in my oh-so-human view of God’s path.
I thought I was doing right seeing her existence, her connection and the opportunity to share life with her as blessings - all while more steadily anchoring my own faith. Here’s the problem of course - the undoing of all that threatened the undoing of that fresh anchoring. I thank God that my faith was strong enough not be utterly shattered by the experience.
I now question my very understanding of God’s grace. I was rather sure of its presence before Christmas in my health, my family, the general steadiness of my life’s course. But here, for the first time, I was utterly convinced that I’d received some form of actual grace! (I don’t mean the woman herself - I still saw this as something I could ruin/propel). But then, how to view it once it had ended? I’d taken nothing lastingly wholesome from the experience and was God in the habit of taking away graces once he’d bestowed them? In my ‘break-up’ woes, I prayed intensely, went to adoration, got angry at God, went to confession and so on the cycle went.
Also, the above process saw me pray more soulfully than I ever have done as it was the greatest sorrow I’ve ever endured. I’ve had loved ones pass on, friendships end, job and circumstance changes but this threw me for six. I never even knew I could feel at such a level. The bad news was it soured my view of prayer - I’ve never thought of it as a bargaining system but I guess, the first time I felt a real soul-level pain that no doctor could cure and few people seemed to understand, I turned to the Lord with high expectations. I prayed to a litany of saints too and used novenas. Don’t go thinking all my prayers were hapless “Please, let me have her back” sobs either.
After the worst was over, I changed my prayers. I begged, pleaded and beseeched for a nugget of understanding. When that didn’t happen, I opted for mental relief. That didn’t come either (though it may be now-ish). I’m happy that I am still able to believe thoroughly and trust in God but I can’t help but feel I’ve duct-taped some rather large bullet-holes in said faith.
The sort of questions I’ve been left a-wondering:
So the only door left to me was to assume I was correct and faithful in my feelings at the beginning and during the dating. Which leads me to another assumption that explains my absolute emptiness - God had a plan; he wanted something from us - her and me. Together. It might’ve only lasted a month. Or six. Or thirteen. Or turned into marriage. And she slammed the door shut on that plan. Does this not scare other people?!
So looking at my little ol’ life this year, it’s possible that God smiled upon me in a hugely significant way (for me) only for that to be thwarted by a human’s free will. Never mind that particular relationship; it’s done. It now has me scared for any/all future ones too. So no matter what God plans or wants for me, any future woman, Catholic or otherwise, has the potential to upset my life’s path?
Finally, what I meant by Number 5: if God has a plan, you’re praying for that to happen, but again, a human in the equation can choose to boycott that plan, how does that work out? They’re not necessarily sinning but it might even be mental health. This woman was an absolute pearl - her soul bled into her very attractiveness lending light to her visage. And yet, at her dining room table, during ‘the talk’, I asked like some bumbling infant if she’d prayed about it. Her instinctive response was one of a stunned rabbit: “prayed?” A split-second later, she recovered her calm and cool teacher-composure and swiftly confirmed that she had prayed about it. With an over-assured air. That moment has gone on to crush me.
A bit of info first to contextualise the following picture. I’m a male, 25 year old cradle Catholic born and raised in the UK - hiya!
Jan/Feb '17 saw me meet up with a Catholic woman. We had decent rapport and quite matched outlooks. One thing I could never have expected - in a matter of weeks and several dates, I fell. I fell hard. We were emotionally intimate but never physically. Just as things were getting serious - you know, approaching the ‘define us’ line - she ended everything and blitzed my life. Of course, she didn’t mean to have that effect.
Why was it so blitzing? Because she made my faith burn brighter. I felt a part of my core filled with purpose that it had never felt. For the first time in my adult life, I made a concerted effort to pray thankful prayers each morning. It wasn’t an easy ‘relationship’ even from the off due to her anxiety and mercurial moods. But every time I prayed, the answer seemed to be pointed her way. Naturally, that made the ending more inexplicable in my oh-so-human view of God’s path.
I thought I was doing right seeing her existence, her connection and the opportunity to share life with her as blessings - all while more steadily anchoring my own faith. Here’s the problem of course - the undoing of all that threatened the undoing of that fresh anchoring. I thank God that my faith was strong enough not be utterly shattered by the experience.
I now question my very understanding of God’s grace. I was rather sure of its presence before Christmas in my health, my family, the general steadiness of my life’s course. But here, for the first time, I was utterly convinced that I’d received some form of actual grace! (I don’t mean the woman herself - I still saw this as something I could ruin/propel). But then, how to view it once it had ended? I’d taken nothing lastingly wholesome from the experience and was God in the habit of taking away graces once he’d bestowed them? In my ‘break-up’ woes, I prayed intensely, went to adoration, got angry at God, went to confession and so on the cycle went.
Also, the above process saw me pray more soulfully than I ever have done as it was the greatest sorrow I’ve ever endured. I’ve had loved ones pass on, friendships end, job and circumstance changes but this threw me for six. I never even knew I could feel at such a level. The bad news was it soured my view of prayer - I’ve never thought of it as a bargaining system but I guess, the first time I felt a real soul-level pain that no doctor could cure and few people seemed to understand, I turned to the Lord with high expectations. I prayed to a litany of saints too and used novenas. Don’t go thinking all my prayers were hapless “Please, let me have her back” sobs either.
After the worst was over, I changed my prayers. I begged, pleaded and beseeched for a nugget of understanding. When that didn’t happen, I opted for mental relief. That didn’t come either (though it may be now-ish). I’m happy that I am still able to believe thoroughly and trust in God but I can’t help but feel I’ve duct-taped some rather large bullet-holes in said faith.
The sort of questions I’ve been left a-wondering:
- Have I been interpreting God’s will all along these years or have I been foolish?
- If that uncontrollable moment of ‘falling’ for someone is a grace of God, why did He place it in such a torturous house?
- What’s the balance between His will and our free will?
- Why am I able to see ways this could’ve played out that would have saved me heartache? (E.g. her being a non-Catholic, or even better, denying me that falling in the first place)
- How do prayer and free will meet in practice?
So the only door left to me was to assume I was correct and faithful in my feelings at the beginning and during the dating. Which leads me to another assumption that explains my absolute emptiness - God had a plan; he wanted something from us - her and me. Together. It might’ve only lasted a month. Or six. Or thirteen. Or turned into marriage. And she slammed the door shut on that plan. Does this not scare other people?!
So looking at my little ol’ life this year, it’s possible that God smiled upon me in a hugely significant way (for me) only for that to be thwarted by a human’s free will. Never mind that particular relationship; it’s done. It now has me scared for any/all future ones too. So no matter what God plans or wants for me, any future woman, Catholic or otherwise, has the potential to upset my life’s path?
Finally, what I meant by Number 5: if God has a plan, you’re praying for that to happen, but again, a human in the equation can choose to boycott that plan, how does that work out? They’re not necessarily sinning but it might even be mental health. This woman was an absolute pearl - her soul bled into her very attractiveness lending light to her visage. And yet, at her dining room table, during ‘the talk’, I asked like some bumbling infant if she’d prayed about it. Her instinctive response was one of a stunned rabbit: “prayed?” A split-second later, she recovered her calm and cool teacher-composure and swiftly confirmed that she had prayed about it. With an over-assured air. That moment has gone on to crush me.