My life is ruined

[February]

I am pretty much at the point of despair. I have been married 3 years, known my husband for four. In this time we have dealt with illness, addiction, and fighting in both of our families. Our first daughter was full term stillborn last year due to an infection. Our second daughter died a month and a half ago from a congenital defect after living 40 days. Between these two events, I discovered an extensive porn addiction of my husband’s…Lots of money spent, pictures exchanged, phone calls/messages, involvement with Web cam girls.

He now feels that since he has stopped this addiction (if he has) that I should forgive him and move on. He doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the reality is he has been unfaithful our entire relationship and I am still deeply hurt. I am also grieving deeply for our daughters, and am working through some of the trauma related to baby # 2s death and time in the hospital.

I am talking with a grief therapist, who also does marriage therapy, but I don’t know if it’s helping. My husband came to a couple sessions but basically thinks the problem is mine to deal with now since he’s done and apologized. Today is our anniversary and it’s already ruined. This is the first year I’ve realized that he was unfaithful at the time of our vows, and I am having trouble with that. Since he doesn’t want to hear that, I held everything in until another bad fight last night. I don’t feel safe expressing my feelings at all, because he threatens divorce if I continue to be “unforgiving”.

So, I’ve lost my faith and trust in him, in God, and in life. I am not working due to my grief and the nature of my job. I’m jobless, hopeless, and don’t know what to do. Please help with any advice.

 

[Della]

I’m so sorry to hear of the death of your infant daughters. You have my deepest sympathy. :console:

Having all this happen in such a short time only heightens the rawness of it all for you. While you are in the depths of grief and dealing with your husband’s problems, adding expectations of him that he cannot meet–at least not yet, is simply too much for you to try to do. You can’t change him. Only God can do that, and only if your husband is willing to let him. So, don’t try to do it. It will end in frustration, hard words, and no progress on his part.

If your husband is willing, talking to your priest about this situation would be a good idea. God hasn’t failed you, dear one. He cannot violate anyone’s free will. You and your husband have to be willing to deal with your problems together. Don’t abandon God when you need him the most. Pray. And when you pray give everything to God. Don’t constantly take your problems back when it takes time to resolve things. For it is going to take time and patience and a lot of love to put things on track. If things can’t be put on track, annulment may be an option–it appears you may have grounds for obtaining one. But again, that’s a matter you need to discuss with your priest.

You have my prayers.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your children. That alone is devastating, without the added pain from your husband’s actions/addiction. hugs

Keep seeing your therapist. See him/her more than once a week if you need to. You also might try to find some sort of group for parents who have lost children (a children’s hospital or your therapist might know where such a group exists) to help get you more support in your grief.

You mention that you aren’t working due to your grief and the nature of your job. I suspect that means your job involves children and causes you more pain. If that’s the case, I’m sorry. Are you feeling up to some sort of small part-time job or volunteer opportunity that doesn’t involve children? That would at least get you out of the house. But you might not be feeling up to that, which is totally understandable in your shoes.

As for your husband, well, that’s a really tough situation, and I’m not sure that an online message board can give you good advice because we don’t know all the details. In your shoes, I’d keep seeing the therapist and discussing your marriage situation as well as the grief, even if he doesn’t go. Perhaps the therapist has ideas for you on how to handle this situation. Perhaps your parish priest could also offer advice. I would also try to gently encourage your husband to see his own therapist.

hugs

 

[puzzledtoo]

May you both be filled with loving kindness. May you both be well. May you both be peaceful and at ease. May you both be happy.

 

[February]

I was a mental health therapist for children. I can’t adequately do my job right now so I’m not longer working.

What truly bothers me is that there is one girl in particular that he has been in contact with for years, not only for Webcam sex but talking on a personal level too. My husband is sorry that his actions hurt me but has failed to see how this is infidelity. I feel like a big failure as a result. I am not good enough for him sexually or emotionally.

We have no living children. I also am reluctant to reach out to support groups because most of these moms have other children…at least they did in the online support groups I participated in last year. Then some of them started announcing new pregnancies and I just left.

 

[Della]

I was a mental health therapist for children. I can’t adequately do my job right now so I’m not longer working.

That is understandable. As someone else suggested, you may want to explore some line of work that doesn’t involve children–at least for now.

What truly bothers me is that there is one girl in particular that he has been in contact with for years, not only for Webcam sex but talking on a personal level too. My husband is sorry that his actions hurt me but has failed to see how this is infidelity. I feel like a big failure as a result. I am not good enough for him sexually or emotionally.

It’s nothing to do with you or your sexuality–it’s his problem entirely. It’s just too bad you didn’t know about all this before your marriage. Many men do have the mistaken idea that unless they have full on sex with another woman they haven’t been unfaithful. That’s not true, but many cling to that idea so they can go on with doing this kind of porn. He may not be able to see how this has affected you and thinks you are making a lot out of nothing. Disabusing him of this idea may take more than simply saying he won’t do it again. He needs professional help, and a lot of prayer.

We have no living children. I also am reluctant to reach out to support groups because most of these moms have other children…at least they did in the online support groups I participated in last year. Then some of them started announcing new pregnancies and I just left.

This is a major sore spot for you, so that’s only natural. You are still going through the grieving process and aren’t ready for this kind of sharing. Still, you need some kind of support. Your counselor ought to be able to help you find the right group for you.

 

[Garyjohn2]

I can’t speak to all of these things – but I am sorry and will pray for you and your marriage.

The only thing I can say is – if your anniversary is today, it isn’t ruined yet. It’s not, truly. The day isn’t over until it’s over. See if some steps can be made, even if just for today, to make the rest of the day more pleasant. A soft word. A kind gesture – something you can do that may alleviate the stresses (even if just for 5 minutes!) and give some hope for the future. Remember the virtues of faith, hope, and love. Sure, love is the greatest but don’t dismiss hope. It’s important in hard times.

You are in a tough spot. Yes, we should expect fidelity in our marriages. At the same time, yes we should be forgiving. At the same time again, no, the hurt won’t go away right away. All of this will take time. However, you are not destroyed yet. Keep hope. Even the smallest amount.

 

[LaetenturCaeli]

I feel like a big failure as a result. I am not good enough for him sexually or emotionally.

I am a man who has been guilty of viewing pornography and committing masturbation.

I implore you to reconsider viewing yourself as being in any way a cause of your husband’s evil. I will call it what it is, and will point out that the depraved pleasure inherent in these actions is not the result of any sort of healthy need that you could meet. Its very nature is unhealthy, unbalanced, and not at all what we are called to as men.

Please, please let go of torturing yourself with wondering what you did to cause him to do what he has done. I know that this is very common in women who are the victims of men who do these things. But the feelings are not true.

What is true?

“And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.”

Your husband has preferred darkness. This is not because the light is lacking in beauty, and it’s not because darkness is anything other than cold and dead.

I wish I could speak more to the loss of your children. I can only promise to offer every Rosary and Holy Communion over the next week for your intentions and those of your husband, especially if there is any resistance to full repentance on his part.

 

[lax16]

I am pretty much at the point of despair. I have been married 3 years, known my husband for four. In this time we have dealt with illness, addiction, and fighting in both of our families. Our first daughter was full term stillborn last year due to an infection. Our second daughter died a month and a half ago from a congenital defect after living 40 days. Between these two events, I discovered an extensive porn addiction of my husband’s…Lots of money spent, pictures exchanged, phone calls/messages, involvement with Web cam girls.

He now feels that since he has stopped this addiction (if he has) that I should forgive him and move on. He doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the reality is he has been unfaithful our entire relationship and I am still deeply hurt. I am also grieving deeply for our daughters, and am working through some of the trauma related to baby # 2s death and time in the hospital.

I am talking with a grief therapist, who also does marriage therapy, but I don’t know if it’s helping. My husband came to a couple sessions but basically thinks the problem is mine to deal with now since he’s done and apologized. Today is our anniversary and it’s already ruined. This is the first year I’ve realized that **he was unfaithful at the time of our **vows, and I am having trouble with that. Since he doesn’t want to hear that, I held everything in until another bad fight last night. I don’t feel safe expressing my feelings at all, because he threatens divorce if I continue to be “unforgiving”.

So, I’ve lost my faith and trust in him, in God, and in life. I am not working due to my grief and the nature of my job. I’m jobless, hopeless, and don’t know what to do. Please help with any advice.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through!!!

This stands out as a major red flag to me. Have you talked to your priest about this?

 

[RPRPsych]

Terribly sorry to hear about your troubles (and what happened to your infant daughter hits very, very close to home…)

Praying for you and your husband.

On pornography addiction, you must certainly not blame yourself! Scientists have shown that because of its peculiar properties, Internet pornography (as opposed to, say, dirty magazines) acts on the brain in a way not unlike crack cocaine, producing a very intense form of addiction. It appears from what you say that your husband is in denial about this; it may take more than psychological interventions (yes, I mean spiritual ones!) to change this.

On feeling let down by God: this is a perfectly natural response. But remember that even if you feel that way, God is still holding you up in a way that you may not fully realize. Hang in there.

 

[jinglebelle]

Deal with life in chunks,not all at once. Deal with the practical/secular; take a breath,then deal with your deepest self. It takes time for things to fall apart,it takes time to build yourself strong again.You are still there…

 

[7_Sorrows]

I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I would recommend continuing to see your grief therapist. Praying for you and your situation…

 

[BellsMom]

I’m so sorry for you loss. You must be feeling very traumatized.

Perhaps in addition to therapy, you could find a christian/catholic support group for people dealing with the loss of a child? Spending time with people who truly understand your grief that can offer support and friendship can be tremendously helpful for some people.

I hope you can find some healing soon for yourself and your marriage.:hug1:

 

[alphawoman]

I am a man who has been guilty of viewing pornography and committing masturbation.

I implore you to reconsider viewing yourself as being in any way a cause of your husband’s evil. I will call it what it is, and will point out that the depraved pleasure inherent in these actions is not the result of any sort of healthy need that you could meet. Its very nature is unhealthy, unbalanced, and not at all what we are called to as men.

Please, please let go of torturing yourself with wondering what you did to cause him to do what he has done. I know that this is very common in women who are the victims of men who do these things. But the feelings are not true.

What is true?

“And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.”

Your husband has preferred darkness. This is not because the light is lacking in beauty, and it’s not because darkness is anything other than cold and dead.

I wish I could speak more to the loss of your children. I can only promise to offer every Rosary and Holy Communion over the next week for your intentions and those of your husband, especially if there is any resistance to full repentance on his part.

This is such a beautiful post.

February, I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing now. Any words beyond offering you my sincerest apologies and intent to offer my prayers for you, your sweet children, and your husband would ring hollow. Please be assured I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers in this very difficult time.

 

[MomaMary8]

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember your post from a few months ago, and I had been wondering how you were doing. You are in my prayers. In the sorrow of my loss (stillborn) I found comfort in turning to Our Lady. I would encourage you to try to speak to Mary in your prayers if you can. She has a mother’s heart like you do, and knows your grief like no other person can.

Do you have anyone you could talk to? A priest or a spiritual director? You need someone that will listen even if they have not suffered what you have suffered and continue to suffer. You need someone who can help you in your spiritual struggles and sorrow. Even speaking to a priest in a confessional where you can open up about your pain can help

I will pray for you and your husband. God bless.

 

[February]

I am so sorry for all that you are going through!!!

This stands out as a major red flag to me. Have you talked to your priest about this?

No. The priest who married us and buried our first daughter was transferred last fall, though he came back for our second baby’s funeral mass. I barely know our new priest.

Is our marriage not valid? Is God somehow punishing us because we aren’t supposed to be married?

And we haven’t spoken all day. He left the house and isn’t responding to my messages. Some anniversary this is.

 

[Della]

No. The priest who married us and buried our first daughter was transferred last fall, though he came back for our second baby’s funeral mass. I barely know our new priest.

He is there to help you through such difficulties, so go to him. You’ve got nothing to lose by seeing him.

Is our marriage not valid?

Your marriage is presumed valid unless it is declared otherwise, so don’t be afraid of that.

Is God somehow punishing us because we aren’t supposed to be married?

Absolutely not. God loves us–he doesn’t punish us like that. Jesus told us we’d have such bad times in our lives–that we would suffer in this world of sin. But, there is joy also–the kind of joy only he can give us. Give him all your heartache for he too suffered in this life and knows all about your pain. Our Blessed Mother Mary stood at her Son’s cross and watched him die a horrible death. She too knows what it is to lose a child. Go to her and pour your heart out, she’ll hear you and give you a mother’s comfort.

And we haven’t spoken all day. He left the house and isn’t responding to my messages. Some anniversary this is.

You had a fight–so it’s understandable. Don’t lay the fact that it’s your anniversary on your shoulders, as well. It all blew up because you’ve held things in and then let them all go in one burst of anger, yes? It’s no wonder things aren’t going as you’d like on this day. Give him time to cool off. Then welcome him home when he comes home with sympathy and love for him. He’s been through all this too. Many men don’t express their feelings, but they have them, just as we do.

When you confront you’re problems as a couple be fair, don’t say anything you’d like to take back, and let him say how he feels and listen to him. I’ve been married for 30+ years and we’ve had our hard times, too. It comes with being married, my dear. Remember he’s only human, just like you are, so give him some breathing room and be as kind as you can be. Not because he deserves it–none of us deserves anything, but because it’s how Our Lord and Lady would treat him–with forgiveness and a willingness to move on in your marriage.

 

[AdamP88]

I am pretty much at the point of despair. I have been married 3 years, known my husband for four. In this time we have dealt with illness, addiction, and fighting in both of our families. Our first daughter was full term stillborn last year due to an infection. Our second daughter died a month and a half ago from a congenital defect after living 40 days. Between these two events, I discovered an extensive porn addiction of my husband’s…Lots of money spent, pictures exchanged, phone calls/messages, involvement with Web cam girls.

He now feels that since he has stopped this addiction (if he has) that I should forgive him and move on. He doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the reality is he has been unfaithful our entire relationship and I am still deeply hurt. I am also grieving deeply for our daughters, and am working through some of the trauma related to baby # 2s death and time in the hospital.

I am talking with a grief therapist, who also does marriage therapy, but I don’t know if it’s helping. My husband came to a couple sessions but basically thinks the problem is mine to deal with now since he’s done and apologized. Today is our anniversary and it’s already ruined. This is the first year I’ve realized that he was unfaithful at the time of our vows, and I am having trouble with that. Since he doesn’t want to hear that, I held everything in until another bad fight last night. I don’t feel safe expressing my feelings at all, because he threatens divorce if I continue to be “unforgiving”.

So, I’ve lost my faith and trust in him, in God, and in life. I am not working due to my grief and the nature of my job. I’m jobless, hopeless, and don’t know what to do. Please help with any advice.

I’m very sorry to hear about the death of your daughters. I will definitely keep you in the prayers.

It occurs to me that if your husband was unfaithful to you at the time of making his vows, there is probably a strong case for a Church annulment and civil divorce.

God Bless

 

[mommy_k]

I am very sorry about your loss.

The only comment i have regarding your husband is to know that sometimes we have to live by faith and not doubt-things can certainly get better with God working behind the scenes sogive your marital troubles to Him right now. You have to heal before you act or make decisions regarding your marriage and so does your husband.

I would agree that your priest or spiritual director can be a consolation for you both right now.

 

[bmaj]

I am pretty much at the point of despair. I have been married 3 years, known my husband for four. In this time we have dealt with illness, addiction, and fighting in both of our families. Our first daughter was full term stillborn last year due to an infection. Our second daughter died a month and a half ago from a congenital defect after living 40 days. Between these two events, I discovered an extensive porn addiction of my husband’s…Lots of money spent, pictures exchanged, phone calls/messages, involvement with Web cam girls.

He now feels that since he has stopped this addiction (if he has) that I should forgive him and move on. He doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the reality is he has been unfaithful our entire relationship and I am still deeply hurt. I am also grieving deeply for our daughters, and am working through some of the trauma related to baby # 2s death and time in the hospital.

I am talking with a grief therapist, who also does marriage therapy, but I don’t know if it’s helping. My husband came to a couple sessions but basically thinks the problem is mine to deal with now since he’s done and apologized. Today is our anniversary and it’s already ruined. This is the first year I’ve realized that he was unfaithful at the time of our vows, and I am having trouble with that. Since he doesn’t want to hear that, I held everything in until another bad fight last night. I don’t feel safe expressing my feelings at all, because he threatens divorce if I continue to be “unforgiving”.

So, I’ve lost my faith and trust in him, in God, and in life. I am not working due to my grief and the nature of my job. I’m jobless, hopeless, and don’t know what to do. Please help with any advice.

I am so very sorry, February, to hear all you’ve been going through. My sincere condolences go out to you on the passing of your beautiful daughters. And to learn of your husband’s porn addiction in the middle of all of this must be so hard to deal with. Your grief and distress is very normal, but please know that Our Dear Lord is right beside you every second, even if you can’t feel Him there. He loves you a million times more than anyone on this earth ever could, and He feels your grief and pain even more than you do. Sometimes it’s hard for us as humans to fathom that, but it’s so true. So many people have posted excellent advice in this thread. I would also suggest along with them that you definitely continue with the therapy as well as speaking to a Priest, either at your Church or any other nearby - even in the Confessional if you don’t wish to schedule a regular session with one or speak on the phone with one. If your husband can go with you to therapy or to talk to a Priest, that would be so much the better, but if he won’t, please do so by yourself. That is what I had to do because mine refused to go with me, and it helped me a lot.

There is also a support group here at CAF for women suffering because of spousal pornography habits. It’s called, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” and may benefit you as well.

I remember a Priest telling me in Confession once when I was going through very difficult times in my marriage to pray for my husband and for Our Lady of Sorrows intercession for both of us, and I have to say it HAS helped tremendously. I find that it often feels like Our Lady has her loving arms around me to comfort me, and it’s very, very healing. You may want to give it a try. She’s always there for you just as Our Dear Lord is.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers for peace and healing both now and in the days ahead.