God does not punish us!No. The priest who married us and buried our first daughter was transferred last fall, though he came back for our second baby’s funeral mass. I barely know our new priest.
Is our marriage not valid? Is God somehow punishing us because we aren’t supposed to be married?
And we haven’t spoken all day. He left the house and isn’t responding to my messages. Some anniversary this is.
So true. The concern is also that he exhibited this behavior before they were married.This suggestion is being made a few times on this thread. From a practical standpoint at a distance, yes, this happens to some marriages and no one knows what the future holds I think right now she wants to hold on to what she has and I don’t blame her, she has lost so much already.
To the original poster remember you are a woman whose heart is completely torn to shreds. Your second baby died just only a few weeks ago. Any priest or spiritual director would probably advise you to wait on divorce or annulment anyway, because right now you are in shock, which is not a good time to make huge life decisions. You are seeking love and comfort from your husband which is completely natural, he is grieving as well.
Often in men, sadness manifests itself as anger. So your husband, having lost two children is (perhaps) angry. Rather than the loving man you wish for her is mean and hurtful and short-tempered. His arms ache to hold his baby daughter and he is angry. You are upset with him as well and he might feel like less of a husband having turned to pornography. He also knows his marriage is in trouble, perhaps all he wants to do is move on and forget and hide from everything.
I still suggest talking to a parish priest or deacon. Find one you can talk to for a few moments, or call your previous pastor and fill him in and maybe he can call your current pastor on your behalf?. Having your house blessed is a good thing too, as well as having your computer blessed to rid it of any oppressive things. The demonic often attaches itself to pornography so having your house and computer area blessed might be a good idea.
Please be assured of my continued prayers for your life and future. God bless.
You are giving very good advice. Pointing out something very serious in her OP is in order however, and speaking to a trusted priest is always a good idea.Yes, I agree as well. If this were any other poster that had a husband who had a pornography addiction during the engagement, then suggesting talking to a priest possibilities of separation and possible degrees of nullity might be in order. However this poster is only a few weeks after the funeral of her second baby and is in shock. I know what this kind of loss can do to a person and it is likely that she can barely get out of bed in the morning and breathe, let alone think. She has lost so much she probably doesn’t want to lose any more just yet, and I don’t blame her! She has lost much, both her and her husband they are grieving together.
That’s why I didn’t think, under these particular circumstances that suggestions of separation or looking into if their marriage were valid were useful right now. That can be visited down the road if need be. I think for right now just trying to maintain some level of peace is ideal. At least as much as someone can maintain under so much stress and loss and then move on from there trying to pick up the pieces.
Yes. See my post above as I agree 100 percent.Yes, I agree as well. If this were any other poster that had a husband who had a pornography addiction during the engagement, then suggesting talking to a priest possibilities of separation and possible degrees of nullity might be in order. However this poster is only a few weeks after the funeral of her second baby and is in shock. I know what this kind of loss can do to a person and it is likely that she can barely get out of bed in the morning and breathe, let alone think. She has lost so much she probably doesn’t want to lose any more just yet, and I don’t blame her! She has lost much, both her and her husband they are grieving together.
That’s why I didn’t think, under these particular circumstances that suggestions of separation or looking into if their marriage were valid were useful right now. That can be visited down the road if need be. I think for right now just trying to maintain some level of peace is ideal. At least as much as someone can maintain under so much stress and loss and then move on from there trying to pick up the pieces.
Praying for you…and a big hugI will plan to go to confession Saturday and hopefully get some advice. There is a priest at another Parish that I confess to somewhat regularly and generally has good advice, so hopefully he is there.
We have attempted to talk more today since he has the day off. He still gets exasperated at any mention of porn/other women, which does not help me any. I’ve said that I’m not looking for anything other than him to listen, but he doesn’t want to do that. The addiction is still a bit more extensive than I’ve mentioned here, but in his mind he is done. In my mind though, addicts relapse. Frequently. He and I both have substance abusers in our immediate families, so I have witnessed this many times. My chances of getting hurt again are pretty good, but he does not want to acknowledge this. And honestly, I’m fairly sure he’s watched videos online, just hasn’t interacted with anybody or attempted to contact them. All of this is out of my control, however, since now that he’s aware he’ll probably just hide it better. I still don’t have access to all of his accounts or phone.
As far as grief is concerned, I’m at the point where people expect me to be over it and move on. I have practically nobody who wants to listen to my story. God bless my Dr yesterday at my appointment…yes he’s paid but I could tell he truly cared and asked to see a picture of my daughter, since he didn’t deliver her. I cannot be around my friend with twins or my friend who’s pregnant ( and this is my fault and problem, according to my husband, and I need to “deal with it”). I’m pretty alone in my grief, and it’s not helpful.
I don’t think either of us wants divorce, but I don’t know if I can endure a lifetime of infidelity either. My self esteem and self worth have plummeted since this happened, and also because I feel such shame at losing two babies. I cannot bear the thought of him continuing to seek out other women. It came out in therapy that the one woman knew he was married, which is somehow worse in my eyes because neither of them cared (well of course she doesn’t, I’m sure she makes good money from married men.) And since they weren’t always talking about sex, I’m sure I was brought up and complained about. Does wonders for my self esteem.
We spent our anniversary alone and angry. He prefers to continue with his golf plans tonight with his buddies than cancel to be with me.
Glimmer of hope: He doesn’t want to admit that he might hurt you again. That is a positive. At least he isn’t callous and doesn’t care if he hurts you. I know it’s a small glimmer, but try to focus on the positives when you can. It’s hard to do when you are in pain.I will plan to go to confession Saturday and hopefully get some advice. There is a priest at another Parish that I confess to somewhat regularly and generally has good advice, so hopefully he is there.
We have attempted to talk more today since he has the day off. He still gets exasperated at any mention of porn/other women, which does not help me any. I’ve said that I’m not looking for anything other than him to listen, but he doesn’t want to do that. The addiction is still a bit more extensive than I’ve mentioned here, but in his mind he is done. In my mind though, addicts relapse. Frequently. He and I both have substance abusers in our immediate families, so I have witnessed this many times. My chances of getting hurt again are pretty good, but he does not want to acknowledge this. And honestly, I’m fairly sure he’s watched videos online, just hasn’t interacted with anybody or attempted to contact them. All of this is out of my control, however, since now that he’s aware he’ll probably just hide it better. I still don’t have access to all of his accounts or phone.
After losing a child, we can feel that others are moving on when we are still deep in our grief. Those who have experienced grief know and realize this. Those who haven’t experienced such profound loss may not. Don’t push yourself to heal at the rate that you feel expected to heal. It takes time. You need to take that time. Try to forgive those who say unexpectedly callous things. It will happen and it will hurt. Ask your babies in Heaven to pray for your strength when it happens. You need to find one to two good friends that will just listen to you. This could be a priest or a counselor or a girlfriend. Don’t expect it to be your husband. He is dealing with his own grief.As far as grief is concerned, **I’m at the point where people expect me to be over it and move on. I have practically nobody who wants to listen to my story. **God bless my Dr yesterday at my appointment…yes he’s paid but I could tell he truly cared and asked to see a picture of my daughter, since he didn’t deliver her. I cannot be around my friend with twins or my friend who’s pregnant ( and this is my fault and problem, according to my husband, and I need to “deal with it”). I’m pretty alone in my grief, and it’s not helpful.
I don’t think either of us wants divorce, but I don’t know if I can endure a lifetime of infidelity either. My self esteem and self worth have plummeted since this happened, and also because I feel such shame at losing two babies. I cannot bear the thought of him continuing to seek out other women. It came out in therapy that the one woman knew he was married, which is somehow worse in my eyes because neither of them cared (well of course she doesn’t, I’m sure she makes good money from married men.) And since they weren’t always talking about sex, I’m sure I was brought up and complained about. Does wonders for my self esteem.
We spent our anniversary alone and angry. He prefers to continue with his golf plans tonight with his buddies than cancel to be with me.