My life just exploded

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akarmitage

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My husband of four years just told me last night he had an affair with someone he supervised at work. He was the HR director. At an organization that I deal with in my job. I have many personal relationships with employees there and will continue to interact with them. I’m also in HR, and we have many mutual friends in the local HR community, as well as across the nation. He has lost his job. I have a 16 yo son from my first marriage who my husband adopted, and he has a 14 yo daughter who lives with us full time.

He has driven a train through my life. I will not be able to avoid dealing with this at home, at work, or professionally.

We are not financially prepared for him to be out of work. I do not know what he will tell potential employers about why he left this job so abruptly. I don’t know what we’re going to tell anyone about that.

I am absolutely sick. I cannot take time off work right now, but I’m a wreck.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how people get past this. All I can think about is the times we’ve been intimate in the last few months, he’s been thinking of her. How do I not think about that in the future?

Here’s the really ironic thing … at about the same time that this affair really heated up, I had pulled out my Love Dare book and was really working hard at this marriage. And now I feel like an idiot, because as I look back there are practically blinking neon arrows, pointing me to times he was “telling” me this was going on. But at the time I would think, “Huh, that was strange … OK, I need to try harder.”

I am humiliated. I am crushed. I am beyond angry. I am so many things … and I can’t think straight.

He says he loves me and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust. But I don’t know if he really means it or he’s just saying that because he’s panicking at what he’s facing. And I don’t know if he’s REALLY willing to do what it takes – because I suspect it’s going to be a long, hard road and I’m not probably going to be very trusting or sweet for a long time.

His stepdaughter and I have serious issues with our relationship. In so many ways, it would be so much easier for me to say “Take your daughter and leave.” But with my son involved I just don’t know if I can do that to him.

We have an appointment for counseling on Thursday.

I’m really lost right now.
 
I guess my first question is - did he lose his job because he was sleeping with someone he supervised?
 
I am so sorry.

It is totally understandable that you feel humiliated, but you have no reason to feel that way. You do not need to beat yourself up, and you do not deserve that, either. No one with any understanding will fail to understand that you did nothing to deserve this.

You are not and were not an idiot. You had no reason to conduct your life as if you were a detective with your husband, the man who had given you reason to trust him more than you trust anyone. You trusted someone you ought to have been free to trust without a second thought, and you worked toward improving that which takes work and is worth the work. You can hold your head up. You deserve to hold your head up. Give yourself permission to do that always.

I think those around you, especially those you work with, will be willing to let you have the room to avoid confronting this issue at work. As much as possible, they will want to let you let work be the one place you pretend you do not have this to deal with, the one place where you have a refuge. Ask for it up front if it turns out that you need to, but go in realizing that you may not need to. After all, it is only what you would give to a co-worker in your place. Do not expect less of those around you, and try to do that for yourself, when you can. When you can’t, well, get back to doing it again as soon as you can.

You also do not have to make any decisions right now. You don’t have to decide if you believe him, you don’t have to decide if you are going to forgive him, you don’t have to decide if you are going to grant the opportunity for a reconciliation, you don’t have to decide anything. Even canon law grants you the right to sever the common conjugal life until the day you are ready to admit an unfaithful spouse back into it, and gives you the right to decide if that is going to happen.

You do not need to rush to do what someone else says they would do in a similar circumstance or even what you believe you will be forced to do or will want to do eventually. You can take the time to absorb what has happened and wait until you are ready to make your next move. You can work your way through this storm of emotions, realizing that no matter what happens, it won’t be a storm that lasts forever. You will come out the other side, and you have every right to hold your head up and get through it in the way you choose for yourself. You cannot control your husband or your son or your daughter or anyone else, but you can take that room and that time for yourself. That is your right. Take the time you need to take.

Hold on through this first storminess, just hold on, send your prayers to Heaven for God’s comfort–God, who knows what it is to be betrayed and abandoned!–and when the storminess feels as if it is beginning to subside, know that then you can venture out to see what is to be done. That time will come. Right now, you can hunker down, and take care of you. When your oxygen mask is on and the air is flowing again, you’ll know it. Then you can start to look towards what is next. Feel totally free to wait for that time, and do not fear that it will not come. It will. You can do this.

It is very common for mothers to have issues with their 14 year old daughters, regardless of whatever else is going on in their lives and even regardless of what a sweet little girl this one has been from the time she opened her eyes to the world. You can survive your daughter, and having issues with her is also no reflection on you.

In other words, the sad truth is that everything you are going through happens to the best of us. It is the pits, it is definitely a hl-dn-and-spit moment, as one of my friends used to say, but it is not a reflection on you and you can survive this. One day at a time, leaning on the grace of God through it all, but you can do it. Do not punish yourself because it is hard or because it hurts. Do not think that these bad things wouldn’t happen if you were a good enough person. Rather, give yourself credit, because no matter how it hurts or how hard it is or how much you did nothing to deserve this, no matter how sideways you may let your boat get or how much water you get in your mouth, you will come out of these rapids and into still water again, and you will live to sing the praise of God, who delivers you.

Hang in there, be easy on yourself, and be willing to let the time be right for you before you act or decide. Let everything else come second to those three.
 
I am sorry.
First of all I’d go to doctor immediatedly for all STD tests.
Secondly, it sounds like money may be an issue if you cannot live on one salary.
Thirdly, I read your introductory post from 2007, it seems you marry men with problems.
Fourthly (?) 🙂 I’d google narcissim’s red flags to determine if your husband fits bill. That would change everything.

Exposing you to diseases is a low, low blow. I am sorry once again. At this point, I’d
not worry about your reputation- really that’s the least of your worries, that and you’re the
victim.

Go to a counselor. You need to sort out a lot- for one, after four years she’s still a step-daughter not a daughter. That’s a big problem. Pray, really. St. Jude is my pal, ring him up.
 
akarmitage said:
Yep.

He was the HR DIRECTOR.
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Oy vey. That is enough to make you livid if you were just another HR director. He did not just violate your trust, and you were not alone in putting your trust in him. Strictly speaking, he even violated the trust of the underling he cheated on you with, because he abused a position of authority within the company. He violated the trust of many, both above him and below him, and no matter how he tried to rationalize it or how hard he tried to forget it, he knew it when he was doing it.

He didn’t just “make a mistake”. He committed an offense, and a very serious offense. It probable that he did so repeatedly and more profoundly as time went on. This is not something to dwell on for the rest of your life, but you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t spend some time feeling angry about what he did. You may want to tell him to give you a good deal of room, a LOT of room. You may need it, and you certainly deserve it. You can’t hold it over his head forever and still remain married, but today is not forever. Get through today, and worry about forever when the day comes to worry about it. In the meantime, if he doesn’t want to hear you say things he may wish he never heard you say, he needs to give you a wide berth. When there is a counsellor there, then you can talk.
 
bonvivantHermit said:
… I read your introductory post from 2007, it seems you marry men with problems…
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“You marry men with problems”? What is* that* supposed to mean? Can we agree to clarify this?

There are women who blame themselves when their husbands turn out to be unworthy of their trust or incapable of marriage, but I don’t see where even being picked out as a victim is a mark against someone. A thief, after all, looks for someone trusting. The person who tempts the thief may need to be more wary, but they are not in the wrong for being selected as a target. Besides, trusting the person you marry is not a character flaw. It is necessary to attempt marriage at all. Many bad spouses do not show their colors until the marriage contract is signed.

Having the bad fortune to attempt marriage with someone who later chose to violate your trust is not a character flaw, nor should a victim of that consider it part of his or her identity. You are right, though, to give her room for having had to go through a nightmare in not just her first marriage, but also in her second. Nobody deserves that.

Her second husband and marriage are also not verse two of her first. This is a new situation. It makes the violation all the worse, but this one may prove worthy of a second chance. That is an answer that will take some time for her to sort out, though.
 
Calm down Easter. She married an alcoholic- he had a problem. Correct? I assume she married him like that- now it would be another issue if I implied she turned men into drunks.

Why do creeps look attractive to some and not others? Snakes in suits still have scales, but why aren’t victims able to drop the scales from their eyes? Until we figure out what attracts us to bad men, we will date and marry bad men.

Right now- you need to self-protect. I am not blaming you. What I wrote is really something to think about later on down the road.
 
akarmitage said:
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how people get past this.
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So after many affairs, my wife walked out after 16 years of marriage and left me with two daughters to raise on my own, 7 and 11 years old. That was five years ago.

Everything in life changes. Poeple whom we love change and voilate our trust. The house in which we raised our family burns. The job we placed so much hope in is gone. The phone rings late at at night - its the police - it’s about your son - there has been an accident. The doctor calls and would like you to come in right away, this afternoon, to discuss the results of your test. …and your life expodes.

Things change. People change. There is only one thing in this life that doesn’t change. There is only one thing that never, ever changes, and you have to make it the center of your universe, the thing to which you anchor your life, that which everything else revolves around.

The only thing that doesn’t change is God. Building your live around anything other than God is setting yourself up for disappointment and regret.

The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house.s But it did not collapse; it had been set solidly on rock. (Matthew 7:25)

I’ve been where you are. I’ve been through the death of a child and have been exactly where you are. Trust me on this… Start making God the center of your life now. Not tomorrow but today.

-Tim-
 
I will pray for you and your husband and your marriage tonight!!
 
bonvivantHermit said:
…Snakes in suits still have scales, but why aren’t victims able to drop the scales from their eyes? Until we figure out what attracts us to bad men, we will date and marry bad men…
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Some people, both men and women, look for the best in everyone. A person who wants to take advantage looks for someone who will give them the benefit of the doubt, who is forgiving and generous of heart. As one expert on sociopaths put it, sociopaths look at the trust and especially the pity of a good person as carte blanche. Many are clever enough to pretend to be decent themselves, in order to get themselves that kind of a spouse.

Some people don’t want to marry someone so generous, because they know they’ll have to go through life being just as generous to the whole world, “raining good on the just and the unjust alike”, but let two generous and forgiving people marry each other, and they are very happy together. They wonder why everyone cannot be so happy. Let someone with bad intentions find them–and don’t those with bad intentions also look for the community where “no one needs to lock their doors”, too?–and they are exceptionally vulnerable.

There are also those who are abused when they are young and who grow up thinking abusive treatment is normal. There are other ways besides those two to find yourself in marriages that you wish you had avoided, in retrospect. None of those things makes a person “someone who marries bad people”.

So yes, there are people who are very vulnerable to those who want to take liberties as a spouse and who are vulnerable to marrying those who don’t have the character to be good spouses, for a variety of reasons. Not everyone who marries someone who turns out to be an alcoholic and then remarries someone who later violates her trust can be assumed to be a bad judge of character. People with character flaws work hard to hide them, and people who know better and could have done better sometimes inexplicably choose to do worse. Sometimes everyone around the couple is just as astonished as the violated spouse. They can’t believe that so-and-so was capable of it. That happens, too.

Most of all: We don’t know what kind of husband she has now, whether or not this was an isolated offense or a sign of greater problems. He has done a terrible thing to her, she might rightly decide not to give him a second chance, but what kind of man he has been and will be outside of this one series of offenses remains to be seen.
 
I know from experience that forgiveness is hard <3 you’ll be in my prayers. 😉
 
I’m so sorry. I know your life has been shattered into a million pieces. First off, you are not alone. We are here for you to vent to and to pray for you.

There are marriages that survive infidelity. A friend of mine’s husband had a 2 year affair with a co-worker. He threw her out when she found out. They went to counseling. Her husband said he would do anything to regain her trust again. She ended up going back the month before their divorce was final. The counselor asked him if he was willing do everything in his power to regain her trust and keep it for the rest of his life. He said yes. They have come a long way. I have never seen a man work so hard to make his marriage work as he has. I pray your husband does the same.
 
EasterJoy your responses are exceptionally wise and kind.
akarmitage is blessed that you have been here to respond to her.
akarmitage I know you feel exhausted and shattered, and add my prayers for you, and for your family.
 
Trishie said:
EasterJoy your responses are exceptionally wise and kind.
akarmitage is blessed that you have been here to respond to her.
akarmitage I know you feel exhausted and shattered, and add my prayers for you, and for your family.
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Agreed.

akarmitage, my prayers are with you. I’ve been there. It is devastating, but day by day, with counseling and prayer, you will find light at the end of the tunnel.
 
First, I’d like to express how sorry I am for you going through such an experience. I, too, have been in your shoes only one year ago. After 26 years of marriage, 3 sons, I never in a million years would have expected it. We had many complex issues in our home, but an affair was the last thing I would have believed to occur. The difference is that my husband is bipolar and was manic making his decision skills very skewed, however the hurt is just as potent and horrific. The stream of emotions that you will feel are not to be believed unless in your position. No one can tell you how to feel, or what to feel because they have not been there.

I am still wounded to my core, yet the pain continues to subside and my husband is truly remorseful. Yet it will take a lot of time if you are willing, since it is truly a process. My husband lost his job previous to this devastation, so we too know this horrible double whammy. The greatest thing that helped me was my prayer life and trust in Jesus…yet there were so many times that I was unable to pray. I then learned to truly converse with Our Lord and this was very helpful.

Don’t think that you are crazy in whatever emotions you are experiencing…they are real!! There is a very good book out written by an ex-Catholic priest, who is now married and a social worker. It’s called ‘Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder’ by Dennis Ortman, PhD. You will read it rapidly and feel so validated, yet he will give great insights as how to proceed toward a better tomorrow. I will keep you in prayer and know that time is a great healer, along with taking care of YOU first. :o
 
I hope you find the help you need. And I wish I could go back and edit my post- I do not mean to imply you in any way deserve this. It is awful. I was insensitive and too blunt- I apologize.

I hope you can get some distance and rest.
 
bonvivantHermit said:
I hope you find the help you need. And I wish I could go back and edit my post- I do not mean to imply you in any way deserve this. It is awful. I was insensitive and too blunt- I apologize.

I hope you can get some distance and rest.
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I know I exploded at you, but on second thought I realized you probably didn’t mean it that way. Your reply seemed more of a “the only thing worse than being hit by a hurricane is to be hit by a second hurricane…do you live in Hurricane Alley, or what?” kind of sympathy. Hurricane Katrina wasn’t bad enough, there had to be a Hurricane Rita, too? So let’s say my clarification was that if you live in New Orleans instead of California, then it is hurricanes instead of earthquakes, but nobody deserves a disaster and no one blames those who get hit by one.
 
I will remember you in my prayers. The only thing I can suggest is that you not do anything in a hurry. Put some time between what has happened and any decision you make. There is no time. Be good to yourself. Sometimes a little time makes a big difference. God be with you.
 
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am praying for you and your family and I would also suggest that since you cannot take time off of work go to the doctor and get some anxiety medication. I am going through a similar circumstance and I ended up doing that just so that I could get my thoughts straightened out.

When I found out I was deeply hurt and I needed to slow down my emotions, but my emotions were out of control. I lost 18 pounds in one month. Not healthy! I am now under my physicians care because I like you could not take the time to slow down and deal with everything.

Also, please, please have faith that God is there for you. When ever you feel ill at ease say Jesus I Trust in You and you will defininately feel relief in an instant. I placed my husband in God’s hands and I try not to worry about trust for right now, because there is nothing more I can do and who better can I trust than Jesus to take care of my husband. If I try anything I have concluded that it brings me discomfort in my own life and I cannot be living like that.

May God grant you peace tonight and every night try to get some sleep tonight and not think about it. If you begin to think about it pray that will aleviate your stress.
 
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