My life just exploded

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Praying for you guys. Only you know the details of whether it is possible to work through. I had a relative who’s husband cheated on her. She was angry enough to kick him out of the house for weeks. However, they were able to piece things back together slowly and they have been fine for a while now (nearly 10 years).
 
You will be in my prayers tonight.

Plus, I love EasterJoy post in the #4 position. So beautifully put!
 
akarmitage said:
My husband of four years just told me last night he had an affair with someone he supervised at work. He was the HR director. At an organization that I deal with in my job. I have many personal relationships with employees there and will continue to interact with them. I’m also in HR, and we have many mutual friends in the local HR community, as well as across the nation. He has lost his job. I have a 16 yo son from my first marriage who my husband adopted, and he has a 14 yo daughter who lives with us full time.

He has driven a train through my life. I will not be able to avoid dealing with this at home, at work, or professionally.

We are not financially prepared for him to be out of work. I do not know what he will tell potential employers about why he left this job so abruptly. I don’t know what we’re going to tell anyone about that.

I am absolutely sick. I cannot take time off work right now, but I’m a wreck.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how people get past this. All I can think about is the times we’ve been intimate in the last few months, he’s been thinking of her. How do I not think about that in the future?

Here’s the really ironic thing … at about the same time that this affair really heated up, I had pulled out my Love Dare book and was really working hard at this marriage. And now I feel like an idiot, because as I look back there are practically blinking neon arrows, pointing me to times he was “telling” me this was going on. But at the time I would think, “Huh, that was strange … OK, I need to try harder.”

I am humiliated. I am crushed. I am beyond angry. I am so many things … and I can’t think straight.

He says he loves me and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust. But I don’t know if he really means it or he’s just saying that because he’s panicking at what he’s facing. And I don’t know if he’s REALLY willing to do what it takes – because I suspect it’s going to be a long, hard road and I’m not probably going to be very trusting or sweet for a long time.

His stepdaughter and I have serious issues with our relationship. In so many ways, it would be so much easier for me to say “Take your daughter and leave.” But with my son involved I just don’t know if I can do that to him.

We have an appointment for counseling on Thursday.

I’m really lost right now.
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Keep your appointment on Thursday; if your husband won’t go, go by yourself. After such a hit to your marriage vows, it is going to take lots of time for you to deal with his disloyalty, so don’t expect to put it behind you in just a few days or weeks and start trusting him again; he will have to work hard to earn that trust. It is a long hard road, but you can put your marriage and life back together, pray, pray, pray.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Keep your appointment on Thursday; if your husband won’t go, go by yourself. After such a hit to your marriage vows, it is going to take lots of time for you to deal with his disloyalty, so don’t expect to put it behind you in just a few days or weeks and start trusting him again; he will have to work hard to earn that trust. It is a long hard road, but you can put your marriage and life back together, pray, pray, pray.
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This is good advice, but she needs to heal and that means time alone to get out all of the negative feelings out. You be surprised what some time apart can do. Of course this should be coupled with therapy and prayer.

God bless and good luck
 
akarmitage said:
My husband of four years just told me last night he had an affair with someone he supervised at work. He was the HR director. At an organization that I deal with in my job. I have many personal relationships with employees there and will continue to interact with them. I’m also in HR, and we have many mutual friends in the local HR community, as well as across the nation. He has lost his job. I have a 16 yo son from my first marriage who my husband adopted, and he has a 14 yo daughter who lives with us full time.

He has driven a train through my life. I will not be able to avoid dealing with this at home, at work, or professionally.

We are not financially prepared for him to be out of work. I do not know what he will tell potential employers about why he left this job so abruptly. I don’t know what we’re going to tell anyone about that.

I am absolutely sick. I cannot take time off work right now, but I’m a wreck.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how people get past this. All I can think about is the times we’ve been intimate in the last few months, he’s been thinking of her. How do I not think about that in the future?

Here’s the really ironic thing … at about the same time that this affair really heated up, I had pulled out my Love Dare book and was really working hard at this marriage. And now I feel like an idiot, because as I look back there are practically blinking neon arrows, pointing me to times he was “telling” me this was going on. But at the time I would think, “Huh, that was strange … OK, I need to try harder.”

I am humiliated. I am crushed. I am beyond angry. I am so many things … and I can’t think straight.

He says he loves me and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust. But I don’t know if he really means it or he’s just saying that because he’s panicking at what he’s facing. And I don’t know if he’s REALLY willing to do what it takes – because I suspect it’s going to be a long, hard road and I’m not probably going to be very trusting or sweet for a long time.

His stepdaughter and I have serious issues with our relationship. In so many ways, it would be so much easier for me to say “Take your daughter and leave.” But with my son involved I just don’t know if I can do that to him.

We have an appointment for counseling on Thursday.

I’m really lost right now.
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I am truly sorry this is happening to you. Please know you will be in my prayers.

3 years ago my wife came to me and told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. This past February I found emails to a man she was having at a minimum an emotional affair. I suspect more, but I have no evidence nor has she confess anything to me.

I tell you this as I have lived your pain and know how absolutely confusing it can be. When my wife confessed to me 3 years ago, I dove into working on our marriage. Counseling, books, priests, self-help exercises…you name it, I tried it and tried to push it on my wife. Nothing worked. My life felt like I was in a little raft in the middle of the ocean, at night with a hurricane going on around me! “Lord please help” was all I could seem to whisper in the all the turmoil inside me.

And He did. I started to pray. I prayed…and prayed and prayed some more. He is there for us 24x7 and He listens and He answers. He will put things in front of you to help you. Sometimes they are difficult to see, but they are there.

I will pray for peace, calmness and strength for you. I will pray that the light Christ shines on you today is so brilliant there will be no question the direction.

God bless you.
 
Thanks to everyone. I really appreciate everyone’s words, and especially the book recommendation.

I want to want to stay. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get through this.

My husband really had to persuade me to fall in love with him, and get married. I was very, very scared. He used to say I was like a little bunny, in my hole, and he had to coax me out of the hole with small, gentle movements. Anything big scared me back into my hole.

It occurred to me this morning to ask him if he told her he loved her. He said yes, and the pieces of my heart broke into smaller pieces.
 
So glad that the book I recommended added a bit of relief. It’s a really good starting place. When you asked if your husband loved her, his answer is heartbreaking. First and foremost, know that during an affair, they are in an unreal existance. Like I read, he is getting his ego stroked, no bills to think about, family problems, just relations that are almost surreal. It’s as though they have blocked out the rest of the world and are just indulging themselves. Pure and simple. So his answer of loving her is far too quick. It sounds like he needs to get back to reality. One more thing that I learned is that I asked too many questions and heard far too many answers, so many that I was unprepared to hear. I read that you should only ask questions that you know you can handle hearing the answer. What you are doing is absolutely normal, but from experience and my reading I realized that I was so hurt to my core and so raw that I was trying to figure it all out. You will never figure it out. It wasn’t about YOU, it was about HIM and his selfishness. Don’t for one second blame yourself. Trust me, I have learned that that is truly the God’s honest truth. Please hang in there, trust in God and know that we are all here for you and praying lots.:o
 
akarmitage said:
My husband of four years just told me last night he had an affair with someone he supervised at work. He was the HR director. At an organization that I deal with in my job. I have many personal relationships with employees there and will continue to interact with them. I’m also in HR, and we have many mutual friends in the local HR community, as well as across the nation. He has lost his job. I have a 16 yo son from my first marriage who my husband adopted, and he has a 14 yo daughter who lives with us full time.

He has driven a train through my life. I will not be able to avoid dealing with this at home, at work, or professionally.

We are not financially prepared for him to be out of work. I do not know what he will tell potential employers about why he left this job so abruptly. I don’t know what we’re going to tell anyone about that.

I am absolutely sick. I cannot take time off work right now, but I’m a wreck.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how people get past this. All I can think about is the times we’ve been intimate in the last few months, he’s been thinking of her. How do I not think about that in the future?

Here’s the really ironic thing … at about the same time that this affair really heated up, I had pulled out my Love Dare book and was really working hard at this marriage. And now I feel like an idiot, because as I look back there are practically blinking neon arrows, pointing me to times he was “telling” me this was going on. But at the time I would think, “Huh, that was strange … OK, I need to try harder.”

I am humiliated. I am crushed. I am beyond angry. I am so many things … and I can’t think straight.

He says he loves me and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust. But I don’t know if he really means it or he’s just saying that because he’s panicking at what he’s facing. And I don’t know if he’s REALLY willing to do what it takes – because I suspect it’s going to be a long, hard road and I’m not probably going to be very trusting or sweet for a long time.

His stepdaughter and I have serious issues with our relationship. In so many ways, it would be so much easier for me to say “Take your daughter and leave.” But with my son involved I just don’t know if I can do that to him.

We have an appointment for counseling on Thursday.

I’m really lost right now.
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  • I’ll pray for you. amen!!
    -BrotherFernando
 
I respect Dot627 opinion but I also disagree with it. My soon to be ex also had an affair for the last 2 years of our marriage. She also was telling the other guy that she loved him and wanted him to leave his wife for her and she would leave me to him. So to say that he was not in reality may not be correct. It depends on how long the affair was going on and would it would have continued if he was not fired and forced to tell the truth as to why he was fired.

But I do very much agree that it was NOT your fault. Flat out. He chose to act and that in turn brings out the question – did the other woman know he was married. It could have been that he lied to her also.

Do not hold back your emotions, when you feel angry be angry do not feel guilty or ashamed. You are the victim here not him!

I pray that God grants you strength and peace.

Winter
 
akarmitage said:
…It occurred to me this morning to ask him if he told her he loved her. He said yes, and the pieces of my heart broke into smaller pieces.
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Please refrain from asking questions like that. Nothing good can come of it, because if he says “yes”, it will break your heart, and if he says “no”, you won’t believe him. When you are ready to think you might believe him if he answers in the affirmative, you can start asking questions about the future.

From right now, let that affair be as a dead thing to you–not a ghost, but dead as a rock, something rotten from beginning to end, ill-conceived and bringing no good to anyone but rather hurting all that it touched, a token of evil in the world, something to be broken into bits, something to be thrown out and forgotten. There will be a day when you might feel you can cover this offense in the Blood of the Cross, and I do hope that day comes for your own sake, but even if you are not to that point yet there will never be any good to come from examining it. The case is open and shut: You don’t need any forensics, no autopsy. When it comes to avoiding this sin in the future, the answer will not be in the evil your husband has chosen, but in the good his repentance will prompt him to pursue. For now at least, try to imagine that affair on the trash heap. That is where it belongs.
 
akarmitage said:
Thanks to everyone. I really appreciate everyone’s words, and especially the book recommendation.

I want to want to stay. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get through this.

My husband really had to persuade me to fall in love with him, and get married. I was very, very scared. He used to say I was like a little bunny, in my hole, and he had to coax me out of the hole with small, gentle movements. Anything big scared me back into my hole.

It occurred to me this morning to ask him if he told her he loved her. He said yes, and the pieces of my heart broke into smaller pieces.
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…At least you know how it will end with them…

I’m sorry for my gender sometimes :mad:

I’ll devote my adoration hour to you & your broken heart.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Uhh…Yes I know. It just seems that we men are the cheaters.
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Yes, yes, I know many now who assume that women are almost always the seduced, and not the seducers. There was a time when the prejudice went the other way. Both views are far too one-sided. Either gender can seduce, and either gender can use that flattering seduction as an excuse to do what they know is a grave betrayal of someone who ought to be able to trust in their love and fidelity entirely. Even if one or both of the illicit lovers are not married to anyone else, they at least betray God, not to mention the spouse they might marry in the future. If either is married, they both together betray God’s plan for marriage, as well. The married person who falls is not the most guilty, but he does cause the most damage to the innocent. The only thing that might be worse is when either of the fallen is a priest or a consecrated religious, but especially a pastor of souls. Repentance is possible, but that is so much painful damage to repair. 😦
 
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