My love life is a soap opera

[hope000]

I just need to spill here. I was engaged and we weren’t getting along, fighting a lot. During that period I also realized I had feelings for his brother. Not a crush or mere attraction but love at first sight, feeling of “at last flesh of my flesh” etc. feels like in the book of Tobit when Raphael tells Tobias that Sarah was chosen for him from the beginning. Like I have known the person my whole life and he’s always been there but just now he’s here in the flesh, but was there in spirit before. We have the same thoughts. As in just imagine someone you are on the same “wavelength” with, taken to the nth degree. He will bring up a topic I had been thinking using words I had used or reference things personal to me which I never told anyone. He has dreams about stuff personal to my heart, specific images. I’ll get a random image or reference in my head for days and it will appear in our conversation etc. It’s weird to talk about on here but I’m just giving you context. Oh and know w supernatural stuff like that to make sure it’s really from God, so I always pray that if this is from the evil one it stops.

Anyways I broke it off w the other guy (that would have happened regardless; I just thank the Lord I realized before we married.). Bachelor #2 (brother) has showed obvious interest (very obvious so all our friends / even people I just met can see it a mile away.) But has not taken direct action. He hinted he wants ME to approach, but attempts in that direction have resulted in a shut down.

He’s moving away (not forever its a teaching thing) and is blatantly interested (devout catholic so dropping overt marriage hints) but won’t be direct to me. Some people say tell him. Well he knows how I feel unless he’s totally slow. Spiritual director suggested telling before he leaves but was more a suggestion. Everyone gives different advice.

The ex is also manipulating things a bit. And being not totally nice. Nothing new there.

I’m tired of hints so I was thinking of letting him go–he knows my #. Letting him come around. It’s incredibly painful to not be with this person but I don’t have time for him being a child…

Incidentally every time I pray I get this overwhelming certainty of us ending up together. It’s the only certainty I get about it in prayer; I pray about what to do or not do and am not clear. I’ve prayed so much it’s unreal. I’ve discerned marriage as my vocation after serious prayer and then there’s this certainty. But reality is taking it’s time.

Am I a jerk to let it go and keep seriously praying to do God’s will and assume if it’s meant to be he’ll man up and come around? Also am I disobeying my spiritual director if I don’t tell the guy…it didn’t seem like the director was giving me an order to obey but more like thinking outloud. Unclear.

Is this like a movie wherei have to find “the power within me” and it all comes down to my making the perfect move or I will REGRET it for the REST of my life…cause people are telling me that but I seriously doubt it. I know I won’t be able to have these feelings for someone else ever except Jesus, but I am tired of the games and I sort of want to give him enough slack…I just think that God’s will happens, and there’s no shortage of prayer in my life. Also he just responds to me more when he thinks I may not always be around / at least I’m not patiently taking his BS

Thoughts? Prayers? Am I cold and cowardly and making an excuse to throw away love, or smart and practical?

 

[chevalier]

First of all, try to think soberly. It’s very easy to think that intense feelings we are experiencing are love, and it’s also very easy to interpret love in our mind as a very important source of all-trumping obligations, the highest law of sorts. Avoid the love craze you may know from opera. Not soap opera but the 18-19th century kind. Sober approach and calm head will be your ally. You don’t need to have a cold heart, you should have a hot one. But you can’t have a hot head, you need a cold one. So hot heart and cool head. Right?

As for telling him or not, two things are to consider:

– if you don’t tell him, there is a chance it will dissipate, you will lose contact and/or for some other reason things won’t happen,
– it’s clear that you want him to make the move; obviously, if you tell him, he will not have made that move but you will — and that’s something that can’t be unmade.

Either way you may end up regretting your choice. You may regret allowing it to slip. But you may also end up harbouring resentment because you had to pursue him. Have you considered these two points carefully? You really need to.

Also, you don’t actually need to tell your feelings to a man expressly and directly. You can tell him that he’s being rather overt in his interests or at least ambiguous and you would like him to declare himself either way. Warn him that this is a very important question with serious consequences and lasting ramifications and that his life may depend on it (at which point he should “catch” that you are open and even likely to accept his proposal if he makes it; by proposal, I don’t mean proposing to marry you right away).

As for your ex, you owe him decency and some degree of consideration of his feelings but not to the point of walking on eggshells or even giving up a mutual feeling which is backed up by objective concerns such as a visible compatibility etc. and is not a mere fancy or rebound reaction. It’s unfortunate that his brother could end up marrying his ex-girlfriend but this is not all-trumping reason to give up on the possibility.

Also, you expressly mention “games” and “BS”. Consider whether you’re willing to date and consider marrying a man who is the “perpetrator” of those “games” and “BS”. Nobody is without fault, that may be something you may just need to live with. On the other hand, it can be something you can’t live with, regardless that you’re strongly attracted to the man.

Remember you need to respect the man you’re married to. He needs to respect you as well.

 

[april32010]

from may 15,2012
My fiancé and I are undergoing marriage prep. We are devout Catholics who strictly follow all the church teachings. In spite of this, our marriage preparation priest seems very nervous because of abuse in my past–something I have dealt with and healed from tremendously. At any rate, after many months of intense discernment both before and after I met my fiance, I (and my spiritual director and my fiancé of course) are convinced it is God’s will that we marry–this is our vocation, till death do us part. Our priest seems concerned I’m not ready, or rushing into things. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but we are finding it increasingly difficult to convey this to our priest.

I ask your prayers that this matter be resolved, that all our hearts are enlightened to the will of God and that communication of the truth becomes effective. I am becoming nervous about whether I will be able to plan a wedding in enough time, given that our priest has been circumspect about when we may marry, so I ask your prayers that the wedding goes well.

I finally ask that you pray my fiancé and I have the strength to go through this trial without fear. We would wait for each other our whole lives if we had to, to get married–but I prefer to marry of course! Please pray our priest and we can all be on the same page about God’s will and that God’s will be done in this difficult situation. Thank you.

from june 15,2012
Hi all,

I’m in a bit of a crisis and need your prayers that I am able to truly discern and carry out God’s will in my situation with my fiancé. I don’t feel comfortable sharing anymore details on here, suffice to say that a highly unlikely situation seems to have taken place and it’s unclear what the next step is, and the stakes are high. If it wasn’t happening to me, I would think it was a really great novel, but unfortunately I’m in the middle of it. Please, pray for God’s will to be done and for certainty in the hearts of all involved, and for the truth to come out with kind communication, in all way…THANK YOU I have said mass for everyone’s intentions on here and will continue to do so. THANK YOU.

todayNot a crush or mere attraction but love at first sight, feeling of “at last flesh of my flesh” etc. feels like in the book of Tobit when Raphael tells Tobias that Sarah was chosen for him from the beginning. Like I have known the person my whole life and he’s always been there but just now he’s here in the flesh, but was there in spirit before. We have the same thoughts. As in just imagine someone you are on the same “wavelength” with, taken to the nth degree. He will bring up a topic I had been thinking using words I had used or reference things personal to me which I never told anyone. He has dreams about stuff personal to my heart, specific images. I’ll get a random image or reference in my head for days and it will appear in our conversation etc. It’s weird to talk about on here but I’m just giving you context

Is this like a movie wherei have to find “the power within me” and it all comes down to my making the perfect move or I will REGRET it for the REST of my life…cause people are telling me that but I seriously doubt it. I know I won’t be able to have these feelings for someone else ever except Jesus

how old are you? these posts cover three months, they sound like a 15 yr.old reading Harlequin romance novels.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

First of all, I’d urge you to stop thinking of your life as a dramatic “soap opera”. It can cause you to romanticize things and stop thinking clearly.

It is good that you broke things off with your fiance when you realized it wasn’t going to work. If you have considered everything and decided you are okay pursuing a relationship with your ex-fiance’s brother, then tell him your feelings. But if you are not certain about this, I would let it go out of respect for your ex and his family. I don’t think I could ever be involved with someone a sibling had been engaged to- perhaps he feels the same way. You also might be overestimating this “connection” you have. Just because you feel you have a strong connection with someone does not mean that you need to date or marry him.

You said that when you pray about it you have “overwhelming certainty” that you are supposed to end up together. Yet three months ago you were “convinced” that it was God’s will you were supposed to marry your fiance? Honestly it sounds like the best thing for you to do is to take a step back and tame your emotions about the whole situation. Give yourself some distance from both men, and you will hopefully be able to think clearly about the situation.

This is not a movie, a TV show, a soap opera, or a novel. This is real life, and you are dealing with real people. I know it sounds exciting and dramatic to think of your life in such romantic terms, but really I think taking some time away from the situation will help you to see it for what it is and do what is best for everyone involved.

 

[hope000]

Edit: I did make those other posts. The certainty I had has since been trumped by a MAJOR revelation about some serious things I survived as a child and that I was acting these patterns out. I take back all I said about the ex in light of new info. Thanks for tearing apart my life. I do not try to be a drama queen. Sometimes crazy things just happen to people. My dramatic comments are meant to be taken somewhat tongue in cheek. I like the comments about indirectly being direct about the proposal so to speak. Thank you chevalier. I am not fifteen or drama addicted. I did not have certainty regarding my ex at all, i was operating under a very bad pattern I’ve never had this certainty before. I think I will refrain from further comment as I don’t think this forum will be as helpful as I thought. I think those I know who have experienced something like this will understand if not I will be judged. Whatever. I just wanted to know if God’s will trumps everything else, but silly me, I already know the answer to that question. Thank you.

 

[Aggies08]

Just talk to him.

Either you don’t and you regret it.

You do an he either responds, or says “no,” AND moves for a bit so he’s not around to be awkward!

 

[hope000]

Re : just talk to him

I doubt I’ll have the chance but even if I did, aren’t men supposed to pursue? I just don’t think a girl approaching is a good idea

Thx for the support. Sorry I’m edgy, just revealed v personal stuff and don’t like being attacked for it.

 

[chipeto]

People will look askance when you’ve been through so much, emotionally, in such a short time. I think the suggestion to take a little time out is a reasonable one.

Myself, I’ve had the whole synchronicity thing, the shared dreams, images and thoughts; the certainty that we were meant for each other, the certainty on the part of everyone else in our lives that we were meant for each other, and…it didn’t work out for us. All of that is a wonderful element of attraction, but it isn’t love.

I don’t think I could ever be involved with someone a sibling had been engaged to

That is what I was thinking as well. But, I’m sure you’ve already given due consideration to all the pain this might cause to your ex and his family.

I wish you the best.

 

[sllhouette]

Re : just talk to him

I doubt I’ll have the chance but even if I did, aren’t men supposed to pursue? I just don’t think a girl approaching is a good idea

Thx for the support. Sorry I’m edgy, just revealed v personal stuff and don’t like being attacked for it.

Hi, I hope I can help some. I am sorry you feel attacked some, it’s unfortunate, but some people do those sorts of things. I assure you, we are not all like that.

I can’t from these posts judge whether you are in a good postion or whether pursuing a relationship with this man is a good thing. That should be left up to your best judgement, but I can give you a few pointers from my perspective. This advice is not necessairly directed at you, but is more what I have learned about myself.

First of all, this may or may not be the will of God, regardless of how you feel. I would be more concerned about discerning what you are feeling and why you want what you do then I would be concerned about discerning the will of God. Further, I would be wary about making decisions before their time. Right now, the decision before you is not whether or not to be married, but rather whether or not to date. This is all to say, the first requirement for having a successful marriage is self knowledge. If you can’t fully discern your own desires and understand the motions of your heart now, how are you going to when married? This is not to say, “don’t date”, but rather take time and have patience with yourself as you grow to understand yourself.

You just ended a difficult engagement. You are the only one who can truely know your emotional state, but I would encourage you to find someone friendly to talk to in order to get a outside oppinion. Sometimes, when we are in things it is hard to really see things as they are.

“he’s totally slow”. This is quite possible. I am 24 and have been around quite a few women. I find that as time has gone on I have become slower and slower because it is difficult to ascertain what women are really feeling. It is quite common for women to REALLY show interest one moment and then the next day they will be completly uninterested and even say (hilariously) that they never were. So I am slow. I wait a little. I’m patient so that I can tell if she is serious or if she is just playing with me like so many other women.

Speaking as a guy, I can say that there are certian ways in which a girl should approach a Guy. Indeed, if (while in a relationship) a woman never pursues a man, he may begin to feel like she doesn’t really want him.

Now at the start of a relationship things are obviously a little different. A girl shouldn’t pursue, but she should give him permission to pursue. If he likes you, then he wants to pursue, but doesn’t want to be stalkerish. To counter this you have to show him that it is ok for him to like you. I imagine that there are many ways that a girl could do this, but I think I would start by establishing trust between the two of you. If he knows that you trust him, then he will trust you enough to pursue. If he want’s to pursue that is.

What you should do really depends upon circumstances. How old are you? How long before he leaves? How long will he be gone? etc… There are very simple things a girl can do to show a guy that it is ok to pursue, but the way you speak it sounds as if you feel you don’t have time. I would be wary of acting out of fear of loss. Typically, that is when people do stupid things.

If you feel more comfortable doing so, you can always send me a PM.

 

[Aggies08]

I doubt I’ll have the chance but even if I did, aren’t men supposed to pursue? I just don’t think a girl approaching is a good idea

There is a difference between aggressively persuing someone, and letting them know you are interested/allowing for them to take the next step. Especially because of the history with the brother, he may not be sure if it’s ok to pursue you, how you really view him, if YOU think it’s weird to like him, even though you do…etc. I’d let him know you’d enjoy going on a date sometime, and leave it at that. If he wants to pick the ball up, he can, if not, then he won’t.