My marriage: disillusioned from day one

[joandarc2008]

Which forum is it? I don’t see any that have the word “health” in their title.

My apologies - it is not a forum it is a group which is the other half of CAF

 

[OLHope]

Might help to provide a link… maybe it is part of the CAF groups?

 

[OLHope]

I don’t even know what I’m asking or where I’m going with this, but I certainly would appreciate anyone’s insight, probing questions, suggestions, etc.

“Will you find a better man than him? You don’t say whether you love him or miss him.”

**No, I won’t find a “better” man than him. He’s the kindest man anyone will ever meet.

I do love him, and I do miss him.

He is** an amazing person.

I think you answered your own intentions.

 

[OLHope]

Now I am no one to give advice on matters I have no experience in, but Libs is right. You need to figure out what you want first.

The 60’ & 70’s sexual revolution was necessary in some cases to educate us more, but I do not think it was an appropriate cause to act and experiment with outside of marriage, because someone who has had prior sexual encounters could always be measuring up their pre-sposal experiences/relationships in the wild phases of youth to their married relations. You can’t do that. It is not the same.

 

[OLHope]

I think I have bantered enough on this site about how sex is a responsibility within marriage. One of the things I learned in theater was that I couldn’t have a blasé attitude in any scene; I have to play along or enhance the mood, which means I can’t bring a level of pretentious behavior or arrogance. Can’t have a feeling of that’s lame, this feels awkward, I’m so much better than this, or I can’t stand having to do the scene we’re practicing…, bla bla bla…, IF I give the impression that I am not into a scene as best as I can muster getting my aura into, I run the risk of bad performance, bring other cast members down, I ruin the show, I get typecast, I don’t get casted again, …etc…, with marital relationships you run the risks of consequences as well. What is most common here is the distancing, the tension, and the disconnect some marriages begin going through. Sex, while a responsibility in marriage, has this power to have a hold on the relationship. One of the two spouses might have more of a drive than the other. But that, like money, or child rearing problems is just another hurdle that you have to hone.

 

[OLHope]

Look the butterflies leave within the first 2-4 years of dating/courting/marriage, this is when you are officially used to each other (you’ve settled), and some dirty lout husbands or wives will continue searching for another fresh new love out there…, but that is part of growing up and settling down…, ah yes, I said it, the dreaded words, SETTLING, ugh…, but it doesn’t have to be bad. This settling should have the same love, but it gets watered down a bit…, it is unconditional love because you need to make this relationship flourish, you accept them for the good and the bad, you could work through any obstacle together, and thinking about that more in your specific situation makes you think that “hmm well maybe I had it good, what did I do?”

This is why divorce is difficult, and smart people will just deal with the second marriage no matter what! Now I would NEVER settle for just anything out there or someone I could foresee not having a decent intellectual/mental base. When you click, you work well together, and you pray well together, and well…, you miss your best friend.

If this is salvageable and you can either accept the sex as it is or play with each other again and progress it, go for it. I know some people say to contact a marriage counselor, but try asking your diocese for a spiritual advisor/counselor that you can be open and candid with about this, see if your husband would be open to that. I fear what you experienced already with a non secular counselor was, well, exactly what they bluntly and ignorantly said to you. Even if you have to take an intense counseling session for a week with a great Catholic Advisor elsewhere in a far off town, it is a vacation well spent.

 

[dulcissima]

I don’t think a sex therapist is the best solution. Good sex comes from trust and good communication and a commitment to learning and caring about each other. The emphasis shouldn’t be on technique, but on having the act be a reflection of your feelings for each other. It’s something that you should open yourself up for and work at time and again, not just a few times and saying there is nothing there. There IS something there, that’s why after all this time and a divorce you are still there for each other.

 

[joandarc2008]

This is the link for the Catholic Health Care Professionals Group:

forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=192

 

[newbetx]

I’m not sure we’re on the same page… we haven’t had sex in over two years. I haven’t even been tempted to have sex with him since a few months BEFORE the wedding. THANK YOU! I tried to find a sex therapist about a year ago and it was a fruitless search. I’m really excited to know there’s at least one lurking somewhere in the Twin Cities.

You had a problem with him before you got married? I’m inclined to agree that a sex therapist is probably not the place to start. That doesn’t sound like the real problem. As I’m reminded… sex issues are a symptom, not the problem… Is there an elephant in the room? I will again point to TOB. It provides us with a template for marriage. But in regard to marital relations here are some easy reading books that include sex in them as well as the titles, you and your ex may benefit from “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by West or “Holy Sex” by Popcak. They will open your eyes to the church’s very positive view on sex in marriage… Warning, some folks consider the suggestions a bit racy or controversial. Both books have the church’s approval. I hope they can help.

 

[Seatuck]

Your responses are making me feel hopeful which is a wonderful feeling after years of feeling truly hopeless!!! I wish I had found this forum sooner. I used to listen to FM107 on my commute (I don’t have a commute anymore). Maybe I will just call the radio station and ask them for the counselor’s name.

My husband IS a gem. The absolute only thing that makes us “incompatible” is our lack of sexual chemistry, and some of these recent posts have made me feel like that’s an obstacle we can work out.

Do you think we should just dive in, or do you think it would be best to “date” for awhile first? We’ve been separated since March 2008 and civilly divorced since March 2009. We talk nearly every day and hang out once or twice a week (we run errands together, watch a TV show together–that sort of thing.) I know he’s game for whatever. I’m just a little nervous about diving right into sex when we do have the opportunity to “date” and experience those “early stages” of a relationship again.

I think you should go on a Retrouvaille retreat first.
retrouvaille.org?

And possibly get a Catholic Friendly sex counselor. Call up your diocese and ask about catholic therapists in the area. Or try catholictherapists.com/ Or read books about the mechanics if that was part of the issue. Just be careful about crossing into sin and throw out every piece of advice that conflicts with Catholic teaching.

Look at Holy Sex by Greg Popcak.

Even though it seems like sex is the main issue it rarely is. Other aspects of the marital relationship feed other aspects of the marital relationship. They all work together. Retrouvaille should help with that.

 

[MCGar]

I wanted to let you know that there is great hope for you two.

I had pre-marital intimacy with my now husband and then abstained before marriage. Once married, it has had it’s touch and go moments. It has more to do with my discomfort during the act that puts a damper on the situation for my husband (he is constantly alert to my comfort level). You pair that with the new huge responsibilities of being married and making decisions that you know will effect the rest of your lives together and it = STRESS, which will inhibit you even more if you don’t find ways to work through it.

I’ll be married a year on the 25th and I’m holding our new bouncing baby boy (3 weeks old) in my lap as I type. Yup, not much time for intimacy, approx 2-3 times a month (my first trimester I was SICK so chalk up 3 months of nothing, and my last month and a half of pregnance my hubby was too cautious to have relations especially since I had been in a wreck). Also since we work(ed) jobs that call for 12-13 hour days, before I became pregnant we were just too darn tired to want to do anything much.

I think maybe you have a present intimacy problem that you are mixing up with the ‘thought/worry/anxiety’ of possible future intimacy problems. Those worries are affecting your here/and/now problem, you might not be relaxing enough and allowing things to grow on their own meandering way.

Also, on our honeymoon (TMI) we hurt ourselves on the first day, lol, soreness. So we had a relatively sex-free rest of the honeymoon. It didn’t fit the picture in my head and I started to have anxiety about it but my new hubby coddled me, and entreated me to not miss out on the exciting honeymoon that we were actively having in Jamaica because I was worrying about something in my head.

The honeymoon turned out to be soooooooo relaxing and bonding for us.

So my other advice is to nurture the romance and other bonding ties you have with your husband. Let it unfurl at it’s own pace and don’t try to force sex. Don’t get discouraged with what you picture not matching up with what you have, because you might miss out on what is actively happening in your life with him.

Also, I agree with finding a counselor, maybe a regular secular counselor that has experience with sexual counseling. GIve yourself over to the process of finding your husband again and live in the moment, don’t let the worries of possible futures inhibit or scare you.

:hug3:

 

[jkiernan56]

I’m not sure what information to provide or where to begin, so I will return to this thread frequently to answer any follow-up questions.

I can count the number of times my husband and I have fought the past five years on one hand. We’ve always agreed on almost everything–money, scheduling, and plans for our future. The problem we encountered in our marriage was a lack of physical intimacy. This resulted in my feeling disillusioned before we even returned from our honeymoon. I had never enjoyed kissing him and we didn’t seem to “click” sexually. I can also count the number of times we have had sex on one hand.

After several years, I moved out. We are now legally divorced (though we did not seek annulment and are still married in the eyes of the Church). He still loves me and wants a life with me. I’m unsure of what I want, though I know that “on paper” renewing our marriage would be a wise move.

I don’t even know what I’m asking or where I’m going with this, but I certainly would appreciate anyone’s insight, probing questions, suggestions, etc.

I can empathize. I married a woman I also found out was frigid.

I have a question for you if you wouldn’t mind. What does your husband say or feel about the relationship? Where is he on it and where does he see it going?

 

[jkiernan56]

We say a counselor for a few months. She was a strict Catholic counselor who essentially told me that I made a vow and my duty was to pretend to be happy for the next 70 years. That wasn’t very inspirational. :S

I think you need to find a Catholic counselor who is very in touch with the “humanity” of Christ. The counselor you went to sounds like she’s got a case of rigidity herself and sexually suppressed.

Your husband told you before marriage that the lack of sexual chemistry would go away after you got married - that it was not there from the start. I think he seriously needs counselling as well to get in touch with his own needs … and why the lack of physical intimacy is not tearing him up as much as it is you. Why is he ok with this situation? I think a normal healthy male would be going “nuts” (no pun intended) with as EXTREMELY LITTLE sexual intimacy as you mention has occured. I am not familiar with any normal healthy male that would be ok with that. He should be as distraught as you.

 

[Sierrah]

You’ve got a guy who sees you as more then a sex object to be played with…what are you complaining about The fact that he loves you enough to go without much sex…again stop complaining and hold on to him.

I can’t find a guy anywhere in church or out of it who doesn’t see beyond the sex part.

 

[curl]

I can’t find a guy anywhere in church or out of it who doesn’t see beyond the sex part.

Apologizing on behalf of the male half of mankind… :imsorry:

There are some men like that out there – I’m sorry you haven’t found one yet. (The wrong kinds of men are much more easy to find because they are working hard at trying to be found.) :twocents:

Best wishes,

• curl

 

[dulcissima]

Apologizing on behalf of the male half of mankind… :imsorry:

There are some men like that out there – I’m sorry you haven’t found one yet. (The wrong kinds of men are much more easy to find because they are working hard at trying to be found.) :twocents:

Best wishes,

• curl

I sincerely believe that the real gems are often overlooked and underappreciated.

 

[JustinR]

I suggest you both have your complete hormones blood levels checked, even being within normal ranges may not be high enough for some libidos to function. You should have both estrogen and complete testosterone levels checked and his too. Total and bioavailable and I forget the third one. Many docs just check the total and say it is within normal and then do no more.

In todays enviornment we have too much estrogens, in plastics , in soy products that is in all the foods, in lotions, etc. He may need a diet that avoids the estrogens, soy and soy products, cow milk and dairy with the hormones injected to get them to produce more, processed foods, etc. If you can find a ND instead of a MD , the Naturopathic doctors usually spend more time trying to figure out the right balance.

Getting the desire , may lead to more

 

[Augusta_Sans]

An update: It was our anniversary last week, so we went on a date to see my favorite play (which he loved.) Tonight we met one of my friends (that he hadn’t met yet) for dinner. I’m still not feeling any sexual interest, but we’re going to keep going on dates for awhile and see what happens.

 

[curl]

An update: It was our anniversary last week, so we went on a date to see my favorite play (which he loved.) Tonight we met one of my friends (that he hadn’t met yet) for dinner. I’m still not feeling any sexual interest, but we’re going to keep going on dates for awhile and see what happens.

I’ve been following your thread for awhile, and my heart goes out to you in your situation. Since yesterday was my wedding anniversary, however, I feel particularly moved to let you know that I am …

:clapping:

• curl

 

[joandarc2008]

Keep up the good work and maybe you can offer some prayers for some saints to intercede. I will look some up for you.