My marriage is falling apart & it is my fault

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Lost_wife_mom

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My marriage is on the brink of divorce & it is all my fault. My husband & I have been married 9 yrs & I have always been the controlling, dominate one. He has always been the passive one & always just taken it from me. I have said some hateful things to him in our marriage. My husband now has decided he no longer wants to take it & says he feels nothing for me anymore. I am so crushed. I love this man with all my heart & I am lost without him. I wish I could take every hateful thing I have said or done to him back but I know that is not possible. All I can do is change. I am working on changing but it is not going to be over night. It is going to take time when this is the only way I have ever known. I just do not know where to turn.
We have spoken to our priest & he recommended marriage counseling but my husband refuses. There is no one else this is just between he & I.
Emily
 
Emily, after being on the receiving end of a controlling dominating husband for the past 10 years, I can relate to your husband’s predicament.
The only thing I can suggest is, you go to counseling alone, and show your husband you are willing to make changes.
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
My marriage is on the brink of divorce & it is all my fault. Emily
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Emily I will pray that you can repair the damage now that you are willing to recognize your part in this marriage. I think that counseling is a good step. Perhaps is your husband sees positive results and a genuine effort to change that he will understand that you do love him. Identifing a problem is very good, so you have hope. Take that hope and couple it with strong prayer. Pray to St. Rita, who is the patron Saint of a bad marriage. Pray the Rosary, and most of all pray to Jesus to save your marriage. Offer your suffering to God on a daily basis. I will add you to my novena list.
 
Have you asked your husband what you can do to help save the marriage? See what his needs are and find out what he wants. Offer to go to counseling for a period of time by yourself. Maybe set-up a set of deadlines of some sort to meet certain goals and expectations that he has for you.

Have you also thought of starting the courtship again. How long has it been since the two of you have been out on a date by yourselves? And when you go, don’t talk about the problems in the marriage. Work on getting to know each other again, falling in love again.

Above all, make a determined and conscious effort to put your husband’s needs above your own. Not only because you want the marriage to work, but because this is right. Think before you speak. “Will what I’m about to say uplift my husband, or will it bring him down? Will I want someone to say this to me, in this tone of voice?”

When I was first married, I had the same problem-sometimes I still do. I would get short with my husband, and could be patronizing and condescending at times. My husband, like yours, is very gentle and loving and wouldn’t ever yell at me or “fight back”. I came to realize, as the months went on, that I loved my husband so much that I never wanted to hurt him in any way. My words were hurting him, so I made a daily conscious effort to hold my husband up in every possible way. I decided that I was going to be the best wife I could be, and sincerely apologize when I fell short.

I’m not perfect at it, but I give it my best effort every day. My husband knows I love him because my actions tell him so.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. And remember, it took over 9 years for him to reach this point. It’s going to take a long time to repair the situation, so try and be patient.

Scout :tiphat:
PS-Have you looked into the Family Life Marriage Conferences? My husband and I have been to a couple of them, and they are wonderful. I’ve heard so many great stories of people who’s marriages were at the point of divorce and this conference helped save their marriage. They are evangelical conferences, but there’s nothing in them to contradict Catholic teachings-and I know Catholics go to them. You can find out information about them at www.familylife.com.
 
I am going to counseling by myself. Last night things got heated between us & we both said something we should not have. I wanted so badly to keep my mouth shut, but it came out before I could stop myself. I have suggested we start dating again & he says not right now. he says his emotional credit card is maxed out. I am just so lost without him. I know that it is going to take time for things to turn around. I am going to start praying more. Praying the rosary every night before bed. I am doing everything to please him. I just do not want to lose him.
 
My heart goes out to you. I can hear the pain in your voice. I’ll remember you in my prayers and during my Holy Hour. God will take care of you. He doesn’t want to see the marriage broken-up, either.

Scout :tiphat:
 
LWM,

My prayers are with you as well.

Remember that while your husband allowed you to do this to him for years, I think he sees you as the problem, not him, and doesn’t think he needs counseling. So stick it out –

Also please work on keeping your mouth shut. You need to decide if your desire to win or hurt him back is stronger than your love for your husband and your marriage.

Keep the faith…many people (dry chuckle) have gone through similar things and come out stronger than ever.
 
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Flounder:
LWM,
Also please work on keeping your mouth shut. You need to decide if your desire to win or hurt him back is stronger than your love for your husband and your marriage.
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I agree with this part of the post. If you pray to keep silent when needed, and to speak when needed you will be ahead. When you speak, pray that it comes out with love and not the “I told you so”, or “judgemental” or “last word itis syndrome”, etc. Continue to make prayer you friend, and this will advance your relationship with Jesus Christ. Things took a long time to get where it is today, so be prepared for the long haul. Meanwhile, keep up the counseling and I hope that it is with a Catholic or Christian counselor. It can make a big difference. I will continue to pray that you feel the presence of Jesus in you life.

P.S. Don’t be afraid to apologize.
 
My prayers are with you.** Please** try Retrouvaille. It saved my marriage when we were a hair away from divorce. I know your pain my friend. My heart goes out to you.

retrouvaille.org/
 
Dear Emily:

I really would recommend the book whole-heartedly, “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin. Order a paperback for $6.00 at your local B&N. I must say, THIS more than any other book has helped more marriages, (including mine) than any book I know of.

God Bless You~~
 
What exactly are you so angry about?

I would be willing to bet that there are some unresolved issues stemming from somewhere totally unrelated to your husband, or some past hurt that does have something to do with him that remains unresolved.

Anger that is always just under the surface is not normal. You are angry about something that is so consuming and so hurtful to face that you pick totally unrelated situations to vent your anger, because it feels safer and your husband is an easy target–up until now.

I would really encourage you to go to counseling individually and find out what about life is creating such a well of anger deep within you. Maybe look at your childhood, teenage years, early young adulthood…loss, grief, abuse, etc. These all affect us and if left unresolved, destroy those around us as we let the issue destroy us.

Tell your husband you don’t know what is making you so angry but that you are truly, deeply sorry for using him as a punching bag. That you are frightened of finding out what in your past has made you so angry and afraid. I think it says in the catechism that anger is often a rejection of sadness. Maybe you are afraid to feel sad and to grieve for a loss you’ve experienced in the past. So you lash out and hurt the one you love the most, your kind and gentle husband, who up until now has loved you without condition and forgiven your transgressions.

Maybe the two of you DO need to separate–it will make both of your hearts grow fonder and you will no longer have the ABILITY to just vent your anger on him until you are more healed and therefore more in control of yourself and your actions.

Have you been to confession? Go and receive God’s merciful love and forgiveness. Open yourself up to His sanctifying grace. As you work through your issues, receive that sacrament frequently and do not let your habitual anger get the best of you. Vice is habit, but so is virtue. Teach yourself to love and you will do so with ease, someday.
 
I agree with rayne, Retrouvaille was amazing for my marriage! Go to the website now . . . www. retrouvaille.org
When my husband and I went we were spent emotionally. I didn’t even know if I could make it through the weekend. But I did, we did, and it has made a huge difference in our marriage. We still have some tough times, but we know how to deal with them and move on.
 
We had a retrouvaille weekend in our area this weekend but he refused to go. Someone said something about repressed anger. I have a lot of issues from my childhood I am just now realizing & dealing with. I never saw anyone fight normal. My mother has always fought with hateful words. That is all I have ever known. I am seeing a christian counselor. He is liscened in christian family & marriage counseling.I just need to sit down with my husband & tell him all of this. I just want him back. Anyway thanks!
Emily
 
Emily, Hang in there. You need prayer and your husbands help also. He has to try in order for this to work. I was where you were and now years and two more children later all is well. I’m in a marriage of three, my wife, myself and the Lord. I’ll pray for you.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Have you been to confession? Go and receive God’s merciful love and forgiveness. Open yourself up to His sanctifying grace. As you work through your issues, receive that sacrament frequently and do not let your habitual anger get the best of you. Vice is habit, but so is virtue. Teach yourself to love and you will do so with ease, someday.
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This is wonderful advice. If you have not done so, please run to the confessional and receive God’s infinite mercy. Our Lord promised to give us His peace, so take Him up on the offer. You’ll be glad you did.:gopray2:
 
I am single so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I feel that going to daily mass and weekly confession - along with psychological counselling would do you best.

If your priest can arrange you to have weekly spiritual direction too that would help but if you have been standing on a man’s neck for nine years then what goes around comes around.

There is hope if you do believe your marriage is valid and sacramental. Neither of you have the right to divorce, though the church sometimes does recommend separations.

I would take lots of advice from people and change what’s broke.

god bless, g
 
Lost_wife_mom ~~

I have little that I can add. Your post has saddened my heart, I will remember to pray for you tonight - for peace and repairations.

Ridesawhitehorse ~~~~~
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
My marriage is on the brink of divorce & it is all my fault. My husband & I have been married 9 yrs & I have always been the controlling, dominate one. He has always been the passive one & always just taken it from me. I have said some hateful things to him in our marriage. My husband now has decided he no longer wants to take it & says he feels nothing for me anymore. I am so crushed. I love this man with all my heart & I am lost without him. I wish I could take every hateful thing I have said or done to him back but I know that is not possible. All I can do is change. I am working on changing but it is not going to be over night. It is going to take time when this is the only way I have ever known. I just do not know where to turn.
We have spoken to our priest & he recommended marriage counseling but my husband refuses. There is no one else this is just between he & I.
Emily
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Ouch!!! Have you told your hubby basicly what you told us??? That your very much crushed, that you love him so much, that without him you’d be lost. Also That you wish you could take every hateful thing back…etc…And even if he doesn’t seem to budge, continue to say loving things to him, make something special for dinner, show him how much you really love him…remember-actions speak louder than words…Also, if you have time, and if you don’t already-pray the rosary, and offer your pain up to God for the Souls in Purgatory-it helps…🙂 for instance, just say something while making dinner or driving in the car asap say to God: I offer this pain of my broken marriage up to you for the Souls in Purgatory, that they may released, and relieved…I know it may sound strange, but do it when you have time… it does work!!!🙂 I hope it helps…
 
Please forgive this question. I only ask it because I’ve seen it happen in so many other marriages.

Is your husband, by any chance, having an affair?

The reason I ask is because many times, when a husband decides to walk out, it’s because he already has someone waiting for him in the wing.

I’m not assuming anything. It’s just something that crossed my mind while I read your posts, and wondered if you had considered that possibility.

Scout :tiphat:
 
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