My marriage is falling apart & it is my fault

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I have asked him several times & he says no. He even got upset with me last night when I did. He said “do you not think I can just decide to stand up for myself” He also accussed me of cheating, he used the phrase “Me thinkest thou dost protest too much”. So I just dropped it. I have asked him if maybe he is even talking to someone else on the phone or computer, but he says no this is just between he & I.
He has me so confused. Today while I was out doing things with our boys he called me to tell me someone had offered him tickets to a ballgame he was already going to tonigh. I can not understand why?? If he did not love me, why would he call to chit chat. I don’t know if maybe he was checking up on me or what? I am just so confused. Up until yesterday when we had this fight he was telling me he loved me too. All this started about 3 weeks ago. That is when he said he felt nothing for me & began sleeping on the sofa. He said he needed his space. He just has me wondering what is going on. I miss him so much. I ache for him to be back in our bed to hold me at night. To feel his breath on my back. I am such a mess right now! I hate this most of all for our boys. He said they will be fine but I know they will not. I am a child of divorce & I still suffer. One of our boys is so much like me it is not even funny. He is already starting to act out when there is tension between my husband & I.
Oh I just need some divine wisdom right now!
Thanks!
 
I will say a prayer for you this evening, and you will be part of my intention and Sunday Mass tomorrow.

Pray your heart out and imagine that you are trying to win this man for the first time. Love him to death no matter what he says or does.
 
Some women find Fascinating Womanhood controversial – promoting door-mat-ism – and you need to keep in mind that the writer is more than likely non-Christian, despite her espousing a number of spiritual principles not in conflict with Christianity.

Having said that, I think F.W. is a marvelous resource for women who come from broken homes, who’ve had to fight their way through life and need to be taught how to be feminine.

Look. Your husband may not “love” you, talking with you may be a habit he isn’t quite aware he had… or there may be some residual feelings he’s not aware of. Who cares? This is your window of opportunity to demonstrate humility and remorse for your flaws, to show him that you UNSELFISHLY love him and want to restore your marriage – for all the right reasons, not just out of fear or some sort of unhealthy neurotic need for a victim.

As a Catholic, I urge you also to stay close to the Sacraments – the graces you can receive from God through them is absolutely amazing!

You have my prayers.
 

After reading your other thread, I think you should take a look at your husband’s behavior rather than your own. Usually men who are cheating will put the blame on their spouse. It takes the heat off of them, you aren’t paying attention to what they are doing, but looking at yourself…
Get an attorney, secure your assets, and let him know you mean business.​

He also accussed me of cheating, he used the phrase “Me thinkest thou dost protest too much”.​

He’s probably the one doing the cheating…i bet if you did some poking around you would find out what’s going on with this one.
 
I look at my watch and I see that it is 5:29PM; it is almost time for my visit to the Blessed Sacrament, where Jesus is truly present. I will pray to Jesus for your marriage to last to eternity; with God nothing is impossible.:blessyou:
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Lost_wife_mom:
I have asked him several times & he says no. He even got upset with me last night when I did. He said “do you not think I can just decide to stand up for myself” He also accussed me of cheating, he used the phrase “Me thinkest thou dost protest too much”. So I just dropped it. I have asked him if maybe he is even talking to someone else on the phone or computer, but he says no this is just between he & I.
He has me so confused. Today while I was out doing things with our boys he called me to tell me someone had offered him tickets to a ballgame he was already going to tonigh. I can not understand why?? If he did not love me, why would he call to chit chat. I don’t know if maybe he was checking up on me or what? I am just so confused. Up until yesterday when we had this fight he was telling me he loved me too. All this started about 3 weeks ago. That is when he said he felt nothing for me & began sleeping on the sofa. He said he needed his space. He just has me wondering what is going on. I miss him so much. I ache for him to be back in our bed to hold me at night. To feel his breath on my back. I am such a mess right now! I hate this most of all for our boys. He said they will be fine but I know they will not. I am a child of divorce & I still suffer. One of our boys is so much like me it is not even funny. He is already starting to act out when there is tension between my husband & I.
Oh I just need some divine wisdom right now!
Thanks!
Click to expand...
 
Dear friend

The guilty usually cannot carry their guilt and therefore try to push the owness onto another. This is what your husband is doing, personally I wouldn’t like to speculate on whether he is having an affair or not, more than likely he is not, either way he feels guilty for leaving you, so he is blaming you, it’s much easier to blame you than blame himself for the breakdown of your marriage as he sees it. Sometimes when a man goes through issues, they rather than be a man and work it out with their spouse, run like a scared cat, run as far as they can from the problem, because this is also easier.

When a marriage breaksdown, it is because both parties have failed in some way. Neither is totally blameless, but one sometimes is more to blame than the other, none though are without fault.

Assess what may have been your fault and try and discuss this with him, if he sees you are willing to hold your hands up to your failings in the marriage, he may well then be open to do the same, if nothing else, his guilt and conscience will drive him to do this if you make the first step to this, then, dear friend equipped with the facts, as presently your husband has given you NO facts, just excuses, you can best decide how to go on from there. BUT rushing to a law court is never the best advice, don’t forget lawyers will be all too happy to divorce you, this is their living and I can speak from first hand experience, I worked in a law firm, they are not into marriage guidance they are there at the end when nothing more can be done and just divorce you, split your assets, work out maintenance and your alimoney and make the bucks! ( I worked in Personal Injury but spent sometime in Family law…This is one of the reasons I left law)

You may also, hard though this may be, try and compliment your husband on how you have always found him a quiet and gentle man, a rational and decisive man and how you have always trusted his judgement, ask him to help you whether you spilt up or not, his actions are so far from being manly, that I think he doesn’t feel like a man who has a wife and children to protect and care for. Let him make some decisions, (not with respect to who has the kids and what happens with money and assets) but in respect of your personal life, what he feels and thinks. Express your love for him , but do not let him think he holds an upper hand emotionally, say you love him enough to let him go, you only want his happiness and you hope that he wants the same for you.

Please don’t let your anger and hurt cloud this as all too often when we love someone this happens, we get defensive of our own hearts and in doing so, can lose everything. Retain your dignity of course, that goes without saying, but if you make every best effort yourself to resolve this and he meets you half way then maybe this is not as bad as it could be , but if he doesn’t meet you half way, then you can with a pure heart and clean conscience say you did everything in your power to save your marriage without losing your God given dignity as a human being. Any relationship is to further your union with God, be it a friend or a spouse…therefore see this trial you have come to bear as this and see how best you can please God in this, this will also lead to the best outcome for you and your husband, regardless of his actions, because his actions you cannot control. xxxx

I will keep you in my prayers and offer my communion for you tomorrow at Mass.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
Hopefully there’s a church near you that has Marriage Encounter: wwme.org/ I’ll be praying for you, God Bless.
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
My marriage is on the brink of divorce & it is all my fault. My husband & I have been married 9 yrs & I have always been the controlling, dominate one. He has always been the passive one & always just taken it from me. I have said some hateful things to him in our marriage. My husband now has decided he no longer wants to take it & says he feels nothing for me anymore. I am so crushed. I love this man with all my heart & I am lost without him. I wish I could take every hateful thing I have said or done to him back but I know that is not possible. All I can do is change. I am working on changing but it is not going to be over night. It is going to take time when this is the only way I have ever known. I just do not know where to turn.
We have spoken to our priest & he recommended marriage counseling but my husband refuses. There is no one else this is just between he & I.
Emily
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this hits too close to home. my parents are going through the same thing but they have been married for 29 years. i’m really sorry that your are going through this. All I can say is actions speaks louder than words. Yes change is not over night, but you must show that you are making an effort to him. Talk is cheap. I’m really sorry that this is happening. I will pray for you.
 
You’re getting fairly good advice so far, except that which encourages you to run to the lawyers already.

Let me get some things straight. Your husband hasn’t left yet. He still contacts you with some degree of civility. And you haven’t voiced any other evidence of him having an affair (like suddenly long office hours, awkward sounding excuses for being away).

I wouldn’t haste into judging him yet.

What he may be facing is this loss of “feelings” for you and how to deal with that in light of his commitment in front of the altar 9 years ago. Saying that he has no feelings for you is a good thing actually. It may be that he distinguishes, or is struggling to distinguish, between that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you’re infatuated with another person and the blood-and-guts reality of actively loving another person. The feeling and the act of loving don’t necessarily go hand in hand.

Read Huckleberry Fin and pay particular attention with how Nigger Jim flatters Huck as Huck is going to speak with some other white folks. Huck is wrestling in his mind whether to tell the “truth” about his partner, who is a runaway slave, or to lie and save Jim. As Huck is floating away, Jim is pouring on the lavish compliments and singing the praises of how honorable Huck is. Jim laid it on so thick that only a fool could not see the intentions behind Jim’s praise. And because of it Huck chose to lie, and Jim made it to freedom.

As Huck was talking to the white men, he just couldn’t bare to turn in his traveling companion, especially with all those words ringing in his head.

Big, huge lesson to learn here.

The other thing I would like to mention is that sometimes it’s easier to start a good habit than to break a bad habit. Work on laying on the compliments - make this your conscious effort. Don’t even worry about stopping what has become habitual.

One of three things should happen. Either the bad words will fade away naturally. Your husband will have tons of “good words” to put the bad words into perspective. He will be able to shrug off the bad words understanding that this is just your weakness, but because of the good words he knows not to take the bad words to heart. Or, finally, you will gain confidence and self mastery in your ability to master a good habit that eliminating the bad habit will be easier.

Even if there is a possibility of an affair - following Jim’s example to Huck could nip it in the bud.

If every woman poured on the praise to her husband as he headed off to work about how great it is that he is so faithful, and that she knows he would never cheat on her and so on. I tell you the guy will either BE faithful or end up in an insane assylum.

When you read Jims words, ask yourself if Jim really felt and believed what he was saying about Huck. Or if Jim was so scared that Huck might turn him in and this was Jim’s way of swaying the decision.
 
Hi Emily… my name is Ray O. and I believe that I know where you are coming from… I am not here to preach or give you a whole bunch of advice but instead I would only say that maybe you should try out this program which is strickly for married couples…
It is called Marriage Ministry International… It is an interdenomanationals course that runs for 13 weeks… It is not a Catholic program but instead it is a Christian Program opened to everyone on earth no matter whether you have a christian or not.
It is all biblical based and it is one that helps to bring Jesus Christ not only in your home but in your life… One thing is for certain, if you don’t have Jesus Christ in your life and into your marriage then I don’t understand how any marriage can survive… I don’t usually do this but if you would like more on this program then i would ask you to e-mail me directly at dno_myar @ yahoo.com. The only thing that is required of you and your husband is a commitment of going to these sessions for 13 weeks… My wife and I have seen many marriages healed and made strong again and for some of them even made whole again because of the power of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit… Ray O. 👍
 
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