My Marriage is Falling Apart

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We are of a concensus that there is probably something underlying this change of behaviour. You, naturally, want to find out what it is, however I suggest that you might want to call off the hunt, or, at least, get further advice before continuing.

The more you focus on your husband, the more he will withdraw.

Give him his space, and re-assure him that you are there for him. You can rightfully expect him to maintain the minimal obligations to you and the children.

I am certainly not saying that this is easy, or that your husband deserves such latitude, however I am speaking of what is practical.

If he is having an affair, then he is much more likely to tip back to you if you are strong and confident.

For victims of affairs I always recommend James Dobson’s book Love Must be Tough. My marriage broke down due to an affair, and this book describes the process almost exactly. The book also has great advice for any marriage where the problems are apparently one-sided, ie. where one partner is much more committed to saving the marriage than the other.
 
lizzietish said:
I know, right?? All of the signs are there! If you Google “is my husband having an affair” he fits every one of the symptoms. But he won’t admit to it! Sometimes I’m convinced that’s what it is, but he seems so sincere that it’s not . I told him at one point that I wished he was having an affair, because then at least there would be a reason for his behavior!! I’ve checked phone records numerous times and come up with nothing, and I don’t know how to get him to come clean, if that is what is going on, short of hiring a private detective.
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Short of hiring a private detective there isn’t that much you can do. Just because nothing shows up on the phone records doesn’t mean anything. I would suspect that most cheaters have a throw away phone that they use.

In his book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” Steve Harvey makes the point that men will lie till their dying breath that they didn’t cheat. He said that a man will lie even if there is a picture of him in bed with another woman and a tattoo of his social security number on his bottom.

I had a faxed copy from the hotel with my ex’s signature, our home information, a hard copy of his debit card and get this…a phone number I’d never heard of. He still denied it although his driver’s license is in his legal name and his debit card is in his name based on his middle name. The hotel was 3.5 hours away from us and only 1.5 hours away from the other woman. They are still together almost 3 years later. He still would deny that he was at that hotel even today.

I pray that your husband isn’t cheating and that it has to do with the death of his Father.
 
VirtusTransitus said:
Motorcycle. Lots of gym. Late nights away from home. No longer intimate with you. Behavior suddenly changed and others notice it, too.

There’s a lot of smoke there. I’m not saying he’s definitely doing something he shouldn’t, but I also believe that Occam’s razor is a pretty powerful truism.

Sometimes the correct answer is the simplest, most obvious one.
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He might just like dressing as a leather clad pirate (typical Harley gear:p).
 
Thanks for all your responses. My original intention in posting was to find out opinions on what the Church would say I should do in this situation, but of course, the conversation turns into the neverending question of what exactly is going on with him. I’ve been battling with it for so long, it seems, wondering what happened, questioning him, then trying to act normal and not wonder what happened, back and forth, etc. I don’t want to focus on the “maybes” of what’s going on, but how to actually function in everyday life while feeling so unloved and unwanted in this relationship. He breaks my heart again and again, everyday, and it’s so confusing to me because we had such a great relationship 8 months ago. I’m just not sure what I did wrong. Anyway, I know that God wants more for us. I know that God does not want me to feel this way, and somewhere within myself I must find the faith to move forward and the hope that someday my loving husband will return. It’s hard to keep that hope, though.
 
If it is grief, then it may/probably will pass.

If it is depression, it may lift.

And please God it will.

I pray that your relationship recovers the joy it once had.
 
lizzietish said:
Thanks for all your responses. My original intention in posting was to find out opinions on what the Church would say I should do in this situation, but of course, the conversation turns into the neverending question of what exactly is going on with him. I’ve been battling with it for so long, it seems, wondering what happened, questioning him, then trying to act normal and not wonder what happened, back and forth, etc. I don’t want to focus on the “maybes” of what’s going on, but how to actually function in everyday life while feeling so unloved and unwanted in this relationship. He breaks my heart again and again, everyday, and it’s so confusing to me because we had such a great relationship 8 months ago. I’m just not sure what I did wrong. Anyway, I know that God wants more for us. I know that God does not want me to feel this way, and somewhere within myself I must find the faith to move forward and the hope that someday my loving husband will return. It’s hard to keep that hope, though.
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Hon, YOU didn’t do anything. I was reading your initial couple of posts and I thought, “PTSD,” that maybe he had to shoot someone on the job, but then you said his father had died. Was his dad a cop also? He may have gone into the LE field based on who his father was, and not as his own person. Or to please his dad. Or he may have a million other emotions and responses to his father’s death, and just not know how to process them all. Cops are probably some of the most “macho” males around, and have to shove their emotions aside in order to do their job of protecting us from evil.

Going to the gym and buying that motorcycle are ways a MAN might work out his emotions. It’s not necessarily connected to an affair. I can see a cop, especially, getting more intense with weights in order to physically get rid of the frustration he feels as his emotions surface.

But you will have to stop interrogating him. It will only make him withdraw even more. Act as if you don’t need him so much. This will be the Academy Award performance of your life, for of course, you DO need him. But the more you cling, the farther away he will get. It might help you to continue with counseling - you will have a place to talk about all of this and the counselor can give you advice on how to proceed.

This website might be very helpful. The approach is secular but it’s worked for so many people. The psychologist wants to keep marriages together and has figured out how spouses can best achieve happiness, even when the other spouse has already said, “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” Divorce Busting.

You’ll be in my prayers, please keep us updated.
 
Lizzietish,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I will pray for you both and your children. Being a cop can be very stressful as some have pointed out – you see a lot of horrible things (my brother-in-law is a cop). Instead of asking him if something is wrong as you know there is but hewill not / cannot (pride or shame) tell you what it is, I have 2 suggestions:

First) – I am not sure if you tried this route – let him know that you love him (that I am sure you have told him) but let him know that you need him that he is your rock he always has been: your strength, your love, your man and you need him to be again not just for you but for your children also. Yes it is an ego boosting ploy but it may help him to regain focus on what should mean the most to him - you and the kids.

Second) – If he still refuses to be the man that you married and you still suspect that there may be someone else, one of the nights that he goes out drinking try to find out where he goes and if you can get a babysitter for an hour or so (family works best) go to that bar also and just see who his “friends” are.

Again I am sorry you are experiencing this, and I will pray for you and your family.

Winter
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Hon, YOU didn’t do anything. I was reading your initial couple of posts and I thought, “PTSD,” that maybe he had to shoot someone on the job, but then you said his father had died. Was his dad a cop also? He may have gone into the LE field based on who his father was, and not as his own person. Or to please his dad. Or he may have a million other emotions and responses to his father’s death, and just not know how to process them all. Cops are probably some of the most “macho” males around, and have to shove their emotions aside in order to do their job of protecting us from evil.

Going to the gym and buying that motorcycle are ways a MAN might work out his emotions. It’s not necessarily connected to an affair. I can see a cop, especially, getting more intense with weights in order to physically get rid of the frustration he feels as his emotions surface.

But you will have to stop interrogating him. It will only make him withdraw even more. Act as if you don’t need him so much. This will be the Academy Award performance of your life, for of course, you DO need him. But the more you cling, the farther away he will get. It might help you to continue with counseling - you will have a place to talk about all of this and the counselor can give you advice on how to proceed.

This website might be very helpful. The approach is secular but it’s worked for so many people. The psychologist wants to keep marriages together and has figured out how spouses can best achieve happiness, even when the other spouse has already said, “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” Divorce Busting.

You’ll be in my prayers, please keep us updated.
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This. When a guy is in a funk, the last thing he needs to hear is that he’s sucking at his job as a husband and father… even when he’s sucking as a husband and a father. And there’s no doubt that he’s pushing you away. Chances are, if there’s no affair or anything, he knows this too and he’s upset by it. So what does he do? Figures out a way to deal with those feelings of failure too by working out harder, hitting the open road on his bike, etc. It’s a bad cycle, but it’s easy to understand, at least as a man.

If I’m failing, I know I’m failing. I don’t want to hear “You’re failing. We need you and you’re not here” from my family. I want to hear “We love you” and that’s all from them. The more I hear “We love you” the more I really start to actually believe it. It’s all well and fine to exercise some tough love from time to time, but when there’s something serious going down, that’s not the time for tough love. That’s the time for just love.
 
The_Bucket said:
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If I’m failing, I know I’m failing. I don’t want to hear “You’re failing. We need you and you’re not here” from my family. I want to hear “We love you” and that’s all from them. The more I hear “We love you” the more I really start to actually believe it. It’s all well and fine to exercise some tough love from time to time, but when there’s something serious going down, that’s not the time for tough love. That’s the time for just love.
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I agree with all your post. In case your reference to “tough love” is prompted by my recommendation of James Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough”, I want to say that Dobson is referring to the the strength demanded of the spouse who fears that their partner is having an affair, or leaving the marriage in some way. It’s the strength to let the partner loose, and hide one’s own fears and confusions (which can be overwhelming) while maintaining some boundaries. As Julianne said, it may be the academy award performance of one’s lifetime.
 
Hi Lizzie, someone else had posted last week on a situation similar to yours and a few tips I advised after being in a 20 year marriage dealing with my children’s father’s family members who had depression and changes in my marriage along the way too!

. Does your husband have a sense of humour? Does your husband ‘enjoy’ his work? Perhaps he is thinking of changing his career? Are there serious financial difficulties? What was his childhood like in a nutshell? Is your husband affectionate towards your baby, toddler and four year old? Ie when he arrives home from the shifts when your two year old and four year old are awake, how does he respond and interact with them?

These are important points, given that most parents and people absolutely adore children when they are toddlers, saying and doing hilarious things.

If there is a change observed by yourself in the way your Husband normally interacts with your children - he may well have depression and may well be going through an earlier mid crisis as a result of his work and incidents that have occurred in the past in relation to his work.

I will offer suggestions if that is the case to assist you both with his depression.

Barbells (from a study) trigger a muscle that is connected to the brain that assists lifting depression along with jogging, walking, bike riding and most importantly swimming daily.

Perhaps you could all commence swimming together a couple of times per week and walking together with the children on their bikes if you do not already do these activities
 
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