My marriage is in deep trouble

[jaimeleglise]

You need to acknowledge your part in all this.

Look into attending a Catholic Retrouvaille retreat if possible. They help heal troubled marriages.

God bless you.

 

[7_Sorrows]

I had an affair for a year and a half. It recently ended badly. I’m still in love with the woman but I can’t return to her. She hurt me pretty badly. This isn’t about the affair. I acknowledge it was wrong. This is about my marriage. It was in trouble when’s started the affair. It’s been in trouble for a while. My wife just isn’t much of a wife. I’ve tried to reconnect with her after my mistress and I broke off our relationship. It’s been good, but our sex life is garbage. Conversations with her are terrible. I’m really putting effort in but I’m just not feeling it.

Her efforts aren’t there. Yes we’ve discussed this at length. She acknowledges her shortcomings. That isn’t enough. I need passion and sex and conversation and to feel something and it’s hard.

How do I get that back with my wife? Thanks.

you need counseling for yourself and seeing a marriage counselor might be a good idea too for both of you. you have betrayed your wife.
you don’t say how long you have been married. is this your only affair?
are there children in this marriage?

 

[adamhovey1988]

Dude, you had an affair. If you knew it was wrong, why would you do it? That’s kind of like the kid that blames their sibling when they get caught.

 

[pianistclare]

It says OP has 4 posts under this screen name, but I can only find this thread. Do they delete after a while?

No. They only disappear if a MOD removes them for breaking forum rules or simply being bad.

 

[tawny]

*Well, here’s the thing:

It’s that time of the year. ]
People are out of school with nothing to do, but troll the interwebs, LOL
And, in the past…if members outright call someone a troll…the bleeding hearts come out with their compassionate buttons and prayer intentions and say that we’re supposed to help, not judge, and members get blasted for stating that MAYBE…something is disingenuous. *

So…to the OP:
You say it’s not about the affair.

Oh my.
I’m afraid it is. It is in spades.

You got that right.

 

[KildareBrigid]

The first thing you need to do is STOP focusing and thinking about what your wife’s shortcomings are. You need to focus on YOUR shortcomings as a husband and work to become a true husband that honors God and his wife. I pray that you seek spiritual guidance on this matter.

 

[Trident_H]

Irishmom2:

Originally Posted by WanderingLamb forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_khaki/viewpost.gif
*I had an affair for a year and a half. It recently ended badly.What does that even mean? What is it you want us to know by saying that? * I’m still in love with the woman but I can’t return to her. She hurt me pretty badly. Ohh, you mean the way you hurt your wife? This isn’t about the affair. Actually, it is all about the affair. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here. I acknowledge it was wrong. Who are you acknowledging it to? To a bunch of Internet strangers? If you have not confessed to your priest and maybe to your wife, you have acknowledged nothing. This is about my marriage. It was in trouble when’s started the affair. So in order to fix your marriage, you had an affair… It’s been in trouble for a while. Of course it was. And I am sure your wife didn’t understand you either. My wife just isn’t much of a wife. And you sound like a failure as a husband, so what is your point? It sounds like you are trying to make your wife the scapegoat for your infidelity.I’ve tried to reconnect with her after my mistress and I broke off our relationship. Really? I wonder how you did that. I wonder how you tried to reconnect. It’s been good, What is good? but our sex life is garbage. You made it that way. Conversations with her are terrible. You made that what it is too. But it sounds like you want your wife to fix a marriage that you had a huge part in maiming. I’m really putting effort in but I’m just not feeling it. So, tell us what you have been doing. What do you think of as “effort?”

Her efforts aren’t there. Honestly, at this point, YOU are the one that needs to be making the effort, not her. You are the one that screwed up. Yes we’ve discussed this at length. She acknowledges her shortcomings. My guess is that it was more likely that you told her your idea of her shortcomings in order to justify your sinful and disgusting behavior. That isn’t enough. I need passion and sex and conversation and to feel something Why not focus on what your wife needs for a change? It seems to me that you already spent a year and a half on what you “need.” and it’s hard. No sympathy from me sorry to say. You come here acting like a victim. You aren’t showing the slightest bit of remorse, except about the fact that your affair ended, much to your dismay.

How do I get that back with my wife? You would have to have a way more remorseful attitude, be transparent, be selfless, and bend over backwards to fulfill your wife’s needs and to heal her pain. Unfortunately, you don’t sound capable of doing that,due to your complete selfishness and refusal to admit your wrongs. Thanks.

Yep. Pretty much this.
*

 

[WJeffrey]

*Well, here’s the thing:

It’s that time of the year. ]
People are out of school with nothing to do, but troll the interwebs, LOL
And, in the past…if members outright call someone a troll…the bleeding hearts come out with their compassionate buttons and prayer intentions and say that we’re supposed to help, not judge, and members get blasted for stating that MAYBE…something is disingenuous. *

So…to the OP:
You say it’s not about the affair.

Oh my.
I’m afraid it is. It is in spades.

It is a troll. Most Catholics are not this morally and ethically clueless.

It just sounds like a “lets see how those backward Catholics react to my preconceived prejudiced stereotype.” I imagine he will disappear when he reads the responses and finds that “those backward Catholics” reacted much better than his “immoral atheist friends.” Where is the fun in reading responses that all conclude that he is clueless.

If it is real, I hope he talks to his Priest. He has a lot to learn about life.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Maybe we should all just pray for his poor wife…she’s stuck with him!

 

[WanderingLamb]

Wow I came here expecting some level of Christian love and understanding. I’m accused of being a troll or I’m judged harshly despite admitting I was wrong. We are all sinners. You stand there with stones in your hands but wih sins on your souls.

Yes I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. It’s a feeling. It’s what I feel. I want to fix things with my wife. And no the prison wasn’t lost a year and a half ago. It was lost way before I even met this woman. My wife also failed on her end. She also had a duty to me and didn’t fulfill it and now hat I’m trying she isn’t working on her end. I tried for years and wanted to make my marriage work.

How dare any of you sit there in judgment of me as if you’re all perfect.

 

[pollylodges]

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Oh glorious apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered thy beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused thee to be forgotten by many, but the Church honors and invokes thee universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who am so miserable; make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded thee of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly help me get out of the house.), and that I may bless God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor thee as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to thee. Amen

†

For Help in Trials

Most holy apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who feels so hopeless. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege accorded to you of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, in particular WanderingLamb and his marrigae, and that I may bless God with you and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise you, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.

†

 

[pianistclare]

Wow I came here expecting some level of Christian love and understanding. I’m accused of being a troll or I’m judged harshly despite admitting I was wrong. We are all sinners. You stand there with stones in your hands but wih sins on your souls.

Yes I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. It’s a feeling. It’s what I feel. I want to fix things with my wife. And no the prison wasn’t lost a year and a half ago. It was lost way before I even met this woman. My wife also failed on her end. She also had a duty to me and didn’t fulfill it and now hat I’m trying she isn’t working on her end. I tried for years and wanted to make my marriage work.

How dare any of you sit there in judgment of me as if you’re all perfect.

Frankly, you can’t get anything from us.
The person you need to talk to is 1) your confessor 2) your marriage counselor.
Airing your dirty laundry online and then expecting sympathy and an “atta boy” from strangers on the internet is really self-serving.
I’m out.

 

[Trident_H]

Wow I came here expecting some level of Christian love and understanding.

What exact level were you after that wouldn’t at least include a thought for your poor wife? I mean were you really expecting we’d weep that your wife isn’t having sex with you after your affair?

I’m accused of being a troll or I’m judged harshly despite admitting I was wrong. We are all sinners. You stand there with stones in your hands but wih sins on your souls.

You’re admitting to this wrong sure. But you’re not owning it yet. You’re still acting like your wife deserved what you did. So of course our sympathies sort of whither a bit on the vine with that.

Yes I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. It’s a feeling. It’s what I feel. I want to fix things with my wife. And no the prison wasn’t lost a year and a half ago. It was lost way before I even met this woman. My wife also failed on her end. She also had a duty to me and didn’t fulfill it and now hat I’m trying she isn’t working on her end. I tried for years and wanted to make my marriage work.

What exactly was your wife’s duty? How did she fail? And why is it all about her not living up to your expectations?

How dare any of you sit there in judgment of me as if you’re all perfect.

How dare us? Well man. You dared us. You threw us the kind of story that just sort of sits on the edge of worst husband possible. And then you tried to wring some sympathy out of it?

I mean you didn’t get what you wanted from your wife. So you went looking for a new love. Only she turned on you. And now by some shocking set of circumstance (and just when you’re finally trying) your wife won’t lay down with you on the cushions. So where is our love and concern about this? Where are our priorities I wonder? I have no idea. I guess we just can’t see how swell a guy you are what with all of the signs pointing in the other direction.

But I mean I’ll try for you man. I’ll concentrate really hard. I’ll get you some kind of pat on the back for having to deal with your own treasures.

Just give me a second. I’m working on it.

How about this?

Poor you?

Did that hit the target better?

I’m sorry if this is coming out mean. It probably shouldn’t. But at this point I think a lot of us are feeling like there’s a wave of these kinds of one-sided sympathy pulls that don’t make much sense. So there’s a feel that the only way back to normal is with a bit of skeptical calling out.

I mean are you really this clueless? Or are you holding back 3 volumes worth of information?

Serve up some background if you want better answers. Otherwise re-read what you wrote and tell us exactly how you would’ve answered yourself. I’d like to hear your own advice for yourself first. Before I try harder too.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Lou2U]

Frankly, you can’t get anything from us.
The person you need to talk to is 1) your confessor 2) your marriage counselor.
Airing your dirty laundry online and then expecting sympathy and an “atta boy” from strangers on the internet is really self-serving.
I’m out.

What exact level were you after that wouldn’t at least include a thought for your poor wife? I mean were you really expecting we’d weep that your wife isn’t having sex with you after your affair?

You’re admitting to this wrong sure. But you’re not owning it yet. You’re still acting like your wife deserved what you did. So of course our sympathies sort of whither a bit on the vine with that.

What exactly was your wife’s duty? How did she fail? And why is it all about her not living up to your expectations?

How dare us? Well man. You dared us. You threw us the kind of story that just sort of sits on the edge of worst husband possible. And then you tried to wring some sympathy out of it?

I mean you didn’t get what you wanted from your wife. So you went looking for a new love. Only she turned on you. And now by some shocking set of circumstance (and just when you’re finally trying) your wife won’t lay down with you on the cushions. So where is our love and concern about this? Where are our priorities I wonder? I have no idea. I guess we just can’t see how swell a guy you are what with all of the signs pointing in the other direction.

But I mean I’ll try for you man. I’ll concentrate really hard. I’ll get you some kind of pat on the back for having to deal with your own treasures.

Just give me a second. I’m working on it.

How about this?

Poor you?

Did that hit the target better?

I’m sorry if this is coming out mean. It probably shouldn’t. But at this point I think a lot of us are feeling like there’s a wave of these kinds of one-sided sympathy pulls that don’t make much sense. So there’s a feel that the only way back to normal is with a bit of skeptical calling out.

I mean are you really this clueless? Or are you holding back 3 volumes worth of information?

Clue us in if you want better answers. Otherwise re-read what you wrote and tell us exactly how you would’ve answered yourself. I’d like to hear your own advice for yourself first. Before I try harder too.

Yes.

If you are for real, then you’ve come on to this forum, admitted to adultery, said you know it was wrong and then blamed your wife for not being satisfying enough for you, called your sex life “garbage” (ignoring the fact that your wife probably doesn’t want to have sex with a man who repeatably betrayed her) and said she isn’t putting in enough “effort”.

And we’re the ones with an attitude problem?

Lou

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Wow, you sure made a lot of frinemies here. All through your responses you have placed the blame on the wife. It is called the Blame Game. I will make a guess that this isn’t the first time you have wandered and your wife knows it. The “mistress” cut your fun and games so there must have been a good reason for that. You didn’t say why, but only that she “hurt you deeply.” You have caused a lot of collateral damage that may take years to repair, if at all. The reason that so many have turned against your transgression is that you show little or no remorse for the damage you have caused. I don’t know if you are a troll or not, but I will pray for you and esp. for your wife. I am so sorry for your wife. You know, women can not turn passion or love on or off like walking to the facet and turning on the water. In most cases women are biologically and mentally different from men and it can takes years for true love to develop and mature. You don’t seem to have helped the state of your marrage with your attitude… I will pray for this situation and esp. for your wife.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Wow I came here expecting some level of Christian love and understanding. I’m accused of being a troll or I’m judged harshly despite admitting I was wrong. We are all sinners. You stand there with stones in your hands but wih sins on your souls.

Yes I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. It’s a feeling. It’s what I feel. I want to fix things with my wife. And no the prison wasn’t lost a year and a half ago. It was lost way before I even met this woman. My wife also failed on her end. She also had a duty to me and didn’t fulfill it and now hat I’m trying she isn’t working on her end. I tried for years and wanted to make my marriage work.

How dare any of you sit there in judgment of me as if you’re all perfect.

Love isn’t about feelings it’s an act of the will–so yes you can help it.

Love means to consistently will the good of the other. Are you willing the good of your wife or of your desires?

St. Paul tell us, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…” Is this how you are loving your wife? Are you giving up your life for hers? Are you sacrificing your life for hers? Is your life all about her and her needs or is it all about you and your needs? Please take the time to prayerfully consider this. Finally maybe watching the movie Fireproof would be helpful to you.

Note: above you say you have admitted you were wrong–my question is have you repented of this sin? Tone is hard to read in posts but I don’t sense repentance – it feels like you’re still trying to justify or make excuses for your actions (I apologize if I have missed it in your posts). Your wife’s behavior, no matter what it was, cannot justify your having an affair. You need to be sorry for having had the affair and you need to make amends for having had it.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[AdamP88]

Wow I came here expecting some level of Christian love and understanding. I’m accused of being a troll or I’m judged harshly despite admitting I was wrong. We are all sinners. You stand there with stones in your hands but wih sins on your souls.

Yes I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. It’s a feeling. It’s what I feel. I want to fix things with my wife. And no the prison wasn’t lost a year and a half ago. It was lost way before I even met this woman. My wife also failed on her end. She also had a duty to me and didn’t fulfill it and now hat I’m trying she isn’t working on her end. I tried for years and wanted to make my marriage work.

How dare any of you sit there in judgment of me as if you’re all perfect.

How dare you cheat on your wife and then expect internet strangers to sympathise with you.

You might have admitted what you did was wrong but you are still blaming your wife for “driving you to it”. If your wife doesn’t leave you, the only way you can save your marriage is to actually be ok with the cold shoulder for a while. You can’t possibly expect her to even want to have sex with you for a while.

And if you’re not happy with the responses you’re getting here, then you don’t have to post here. Nobody is standing in judgement over you. But we are judging your actions based on the information you provided.

If you’re not able to take our responses then you’re certainly never going to accept your wife’s when they come,

 

[JD1789]

Wow I came here expecting some level of Christian love and understanding. I’m accused of being a troll or I’m judged harshly despite admitting I was wrong. We are all sinners. You stand there with stones in your hands but wih sins on your souls.

Yes I’m in love with her. I can’t help it. It’s a feeling. It’s what I feel. I want to fix things with my wife. And no the prison wasn’t lost a year and a half ago. It was lost way before I even met this woman. My wife also failed on her end. She also had a duty to me and didn’t fulfill it and now hat I’m trying she isn’t working on her end. I tried for years and wanted to make my marriage work.

How dare any of you sit there in judgment of me as if you’re all perfect.

Again, find a priest and a good Catholic therapist. There are many who are wounded in your situation and this takes solid professional help and guidance. You will not be able to find that here on these forums. It’s not designed for that.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Wanderer…start by reading your marriage vows, you appear to have been not paying attention at your wedding…your wife is no t at fault, that’s what “for better or worse” means. All you have said is “my bad…” Work on it dude…you are really a piece of work!

I’m out.

 

[heidi_storage]

I am leaning more toward “troll” hypothesis. I think the OP is trying to provoke outrage. I suppose he really could be thick enough not to predict the responses he’s received, though.