My marriage is in trouble

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My wife and I have been married almost 20 years and we have a large family. When we got married, my expectation was that she would stay home with the kids and return to her job as a teacher once the youngest was in school. We had discussed this before we got married and were in agreement. Because my job was cut from full to part-time several years ago, my wife returned to her teaching job while I worked part-time in the evening and did the Mr. Mom thing during the day. I had several opportunities to return to full-time and allow her to quit but she refused to quit. Now that the kids are all in school, we’re both working full-time. My wife has volunteered for and steadily increased her extra curricular responsibilites at school and is now working on a master’s degree to become an administrator. This would effectively make her 10 month a year job into a 12 month a year job.

The main problem in our marriage is that I feel like my wife puts a greater priority on her job as a teacher than on our marraiage and family. This problem is very deep and has been present nearly our entire marriage. I feel a great deal of resentment towards her as this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage. I would never leave my wife.
That being said, I’m asking for advice on how to deal with the resentment I feel towards her. She knows how I feel but is unwilling to change. I am trying to be a good husband but at the same time, I do not feel that I am being honest if I pretend that things are okay.

I would reatly appreciate any advice…
 
I am a 54-year-old woman who has been married for almost 33 years. Both my husband and I work full time.

It might be helpful for you to know that a woman’s greatest need is not not love or romance, but security.

You said your job was cut from full-time to part time. This scared your wife to death when it happened, and I can guarantee that she is still scared.

She perceives a need to work hard and earn enough money to keep herself, you, and probably your children well-provided for.

Unless you are now in an excellent job with good earnings and a fairly-safe retention record, she will probably continue to feel insecure and she will want to not count on you, but will wish to continue to provide for herself. In fact, even if you DO have a good job and are fairly wealthy, your wife may still feel insecure and therefore wish to make sure of her present and future by providing for herself and not relying on you.

I don’t blame her–the state of the nation (United States) scares me to death! The economy is not stable, and people in good financial condition with “good” jobs often find themselves out on the street or devoid of all retirement benefits overnight.

Also, we women constantly see other women who have divorced, even after years of marriage. When this happens to a woman who doesn’t work, it is devastating. Unless the woman has living family or very generous friends, she is often left destitute, living in dire straits with no means of support and often no health insurance at a time in her life when her body is giving out. A man living on his own can usually make it pretty well–it doesn’t bother men that much to live in a single room or share a room in a transient motel in the “tough section” of town, and eat Ramen noodles and canned beans every night. But for a woman, this is a dangerous way of life, and we are scared of it.

IMO, your wife is wise to not count on you for her support. I’m sorry our country has come to this, but that’s the reality we live in. Men used to support their wives. Now, at least 50% of marriages dissolve, and a lot of people who thought they had secure jobs don’t. (Can you remember a time when a post office job was gravy?! Now there’s a good chance that within the next few years, the Post Office will be dissolved, or at best, reduced to a shadow of what it is now, with a tiny workforce.)

I personally feel a need to work for as long as I can possibly work to try to make sure that my husband and I don’t end up in poverty when we are old. (My husband has an excellent job, BTW.)

It’s tough, sir. A man wants to be the Main Provider. But that’s too scary for a lot of women to accept.

One other possibility that I hope you will consider is that your wife probably honestly loves her job and does not wish to quit. Don’t ask her to stop doing something that she loves. Don’t hold her to a discussion that the two of you had twenty years ago when you were both young and idealistic. Do not keep clinging to the past and the way you both were twenty years ago. Things have changed. Both of YOU have changed. Forget the past.

“Court” your wife her again. Give her lots of reasons to make YOU her priority when she is not working. Be romantic. Take her out. Show her a good time, both at home and out on the town. Be faithful about doing all the little things that show her that you love her.

Above all else, respect her as a working woman and praise her for her industry and accomplishments. (See Proverbs 31 for a role model of a husband who does this for his working wife.)

Think of how lucky you are to have a wife who works and brings home a paycheck. There are many families in the U.S. right now where neither spouse can find a job that pays an adequate living wage. They would love to be in your situation.

Mark my words well, sir–if you undermine her by hinting that you wish she would quit, that this isn’t what the two of you agreed on before you got married, etc., you will only cause her to dig in her heels and cling to that job and invest even more of herself into her work, as she will feel even more insecure about her marriage because of your harping. She will feel the need to get her personal fulfilment from her JOB rather than you, as all you do is make her feel bad about herself and her choices.

Don’t go there. Forget the past, encourage her, praise her, support her not only financially, but also with words of support for her accomplishments. Be a true partner.
 
You could test her love of you. You need to show her that it is important to you. This means you need to talk to her about it. Put it on her level. Women talk. Don’t just consider it done if you think she knows. Say about it. Say about it a few times. Let her know exactly how important it is to you. Tell her exactly how you feel, including how you don’t feel like you are as important to her as her love for teaching. Remind her of how God wants her to place importance on a set of priorities and He and you and your family are on the top of the list.

It would help if you sat before the Lord and asked him for help. Also ask your guardian angel to help. Ask your guardian angel to go to her guardian angel and help the message to come across clearly. I know a priest who advocates this, because it works beautifully to help both parties stay on the same page.
Cat said:
It might be helpful for you to know that a woman’s greatest need is not not love or romance, but security.
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I guess you could say that not all women are the same. I prefer love as my priority. Next I would say trust.

I’m thinking this is what this man wants as well.
 
Cat hit the nail on the head: This economy scares most of us to death! And women tend to view their homes as an extension of their physical selves.

Through no fault of your own, your hours did get cut to part time once, and that fact is probably a good part of why your wife is focusing so hard on her career. Try to see it from her point of view: She’s helping to contribute to your family’s security, and it seems that young children are no longer in the picture. There’s less of a need, in her mind, to be at home, and she’s jockeying to maximize her retirement benefits, that you will share in. She probably has good health insurance through work, too (not a small consideration in these days,) as well as provision for that health insurance to continue past her retirement. Taking the masters’ degree courses to get into a higher paid position is another way she thinks she is helping out.

It really might be more productive to your marriage if the two of you sit down and review your finances as well as your financial strategies, to eliminate some fears, misgivings, and resentments.

We’re actually in a similar position: I had retired from one career shortly after our marriage (we married later in life,) and age forty eight is far too young to be idle. A series of failed pregnancies, plus rejection letters from adoption agencies, strongly indicated to us that parenthood wasn’t in the grand plan for us for whatever reason God saw fit. So I went back to school and started a new career as a physical therapist. My husband, who is a very hard worker, drives long haul in the summer months, and during winter layoffs does handyman work to earn some income. The trucking job doesn’t have much in the way of benefits, but my job does (family medical insurance at greatly reduced cost, pension plan that dovetails with that of my previous career, and the like.) For a long time this irritated him no end, but we did sit down and started some joint strategy discussions. At the end of one such discussion and planning session, he came over to me, kissed me lightly, and told me how proud he was of me for taking on such a financial commitment.

You may want to rethink your position a little here: There are a lot of men who would be very happy to be in your shoes.
 
Being the sole provide ain’t all it’s cracked up to be sometimes. We’re a relatively young family, but I can say I’m glad my wife works a very part-time job that adds a few bucks to the coffers and gives us free daycare and a gym membership! And if I was laid off for some reason, I’d fully encourage my wife to go back to teaching full-time and take up the responsibility of caring for our kids, at least temporarily.

Life happens. Roles get reversed. Our plans are not God’s plans. You have to learn to roll with that and work to adjust your relationship with your spouse accordingly. Just because she’s working full time just like you doesn’t mean you’re not still the spiritual and temporal head of the household. You need to embrace that mantle from a different perspective since you’re not the only guy in town when it comes to financial earning power. That will be the security and strength your wife is looking for. Maybe.

Best solution? Just talk with her and don’t ask her to quit or to change or anything like that. Ask her what she wants from you instead of dictating her choices. If it’s one thing women don’t like, it’s to be told what to do.

Actually, they do like it to some extent (given that women are naturally somewhat submissive) but they don’t want to admit that they like it so they push back. Be a little more tactful here.
 
I think it unreasonable to maintain the same expectations for 20 years. People change, grow, evolve. You may have discussed these things before you got married as the ideal-- but situations change, people change. (I wouldn’t expect her basic character to change, or fundmental things about her or you… but life is what happens when you are making other plans… it’s not reasonable to think you can map out your life 20 years in advance and not have it be something other than what you planned).

Unmet expectations can certainly lead to resentment. Examine the expectations and see if you think it reasonable that your wife remain the exact same for 20 years. I bet if you really look at yourself you will have to admit YOU have changed and are NOT the exact same.

What is the REAL problem? The kids are older, they don’t need “Mommy” at home every minute. Why is it unacceptable that she pursue intellectual growth?
 
Do you feel that you working 12 months out of the year means that you yourself are putting your job before your family? We have to be careful not to hold our spouses to standards we ourselves don’t fulfill. Just make sure that what time you do spend together is quality time. Carve out time from both of your schedules to spend time doing things that both of you enjoy. Keep the marriage active as much as possible, and ask her about her day. Remember that now that the kids are out and in school, that family time together is a very important evening activity. She’s going to have a lot of work today in the evenings as well with grading papers, but help out when you can and make sure to express an interest in her.

She needs to know that what she is interested in interests you (and vice versa. )
 
Arrow8 said:
My wife and I have been married almost 20 years and we have a large family. When we got married, my expectation was that she would stay home with the kids and return to her job as a teacher once the youngest was in school. We had discussed this before we got married and were in agreement. Because my job was cut from full to part-time several years ago, my wife returned to her teaching job while I worked part-time in the evening and did the Mr. Mom thing during the day. I had several opportunities to return to full-time and allow her to quit but she refused to quit. Now that the kids are all in school, we’re both working full-time. My wife has volunteered for and steadily increased her extra curricular responsibilites at school and is now working on a master’s degree to become an administrator. This would effectively make her 10 month a year job into a 12 month a year job.

**The main problem in our marriage is that I feel like my wife puts a greater priority on her job as a teacher than on our marriage and family. ** This problem is very deep and has been present nearly our entire marriage. I feel a great deal of resentment towards her as this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage. I would never leave my wife.
That being said, I’m asking for advice on how to deal with the resentment I feel towards her. She knows how I feel but is unwilling to change. I am trying to be a good husband but at the same time, I do not feel that I am being honest if I pretend that things are okay.

I would really appreciate any advice…
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This is the critical issue, not her working, correct? If you have to put your kids in day care so your wife can work full-time, I understand your concern. The problem is that she has taken her position and refuses to listen to you, which is not good for a partnership in life. I suggest that you ask her to go to marriage counseling so you can learn to communicate and hopefully reach a compromise. Resentment isn’t good for a marriage.

Seems like you two have almost reversed roles and she considers herself to be the provider now. A lot of women do that, and like it. I don’t know that you will be able to change that, but at least you can discuss compromises. I hope she will go to counseling with you. You’re probably not going to get her home full-time again, though.

Good luck and let us know what happens.
 
Arrow8 said:
My When we got married, my expectation was …
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your expectation was . . .
why am I not reading “our expectation was”

when you get married you share your expectations, and you change them when reality sets in, and you do it mutually.

You leave out all the critical information–ages of the children, her wants and needs, her expectations, the family financial situation etc.

What is best for one family is not best for all but you should be having this discussion with her, not us.
 
What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem. 🤷
 
DihydrogenOxide said:
What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem.
Click to expand...
yeah blame society (or George Bush)

his primary vocation is also marriage and family, which if you are going to take the traditional viewpoint means being the main provider, did you not read the part where he was working only part-time and did not resume full time work when it was offered? Many women in that scenario would also have altered their own “expectations.”

news flash
it is entirely possible and millions of women do it to be a good wife and mother as well has hold a full time job. May not be your cup of tea but it works for a lot of us, especially when the kids are in school.

millions more women make their contribution, which is equal in benefit to the family and society, as stay-at-home moms. but neither of these choices works well when it is dictated by the husband or chosen unilaterally by the wife without consulting the husband.

These are mutual decisions and it does not sound as if this couple has developed a pattern of mutual decision making. This is not a new problem.

Many women, incidentally, could have posted exactly as OP did, about their own husband’s misplaced priorities in regard to his job so this is not necessarily a gender-role issue.
 
DihydrogenOxide said:
What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem. 🤷
Click to expand...
Perhaps it is his perception she is putting family and marriage second and her perspective that she is putting it first. I see a problem in that neither are able to compromise, neither are able to put the other’s feelings before their own, and neither seem able to communicate on the issue.

There is no right or wrong way to live out your vocation to marriage, family, and work. There are *different *ways, but no right or wrong way.

Seems to be about *expectation *and perception. Certainly it is not about Catholic teaching on the matter as there is no Catholic teaching that would support the position that she should not work at all.
 
DihydrogenOxide said:
What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem. 🤷
Click to expand...
And consistent with what Cat said, there is a strong possibility that she is fulfilling her primary vocation by providing for that family.

Cat - your post was very wise and articulate.

Arrow8 - I also want to add - if you two can take some time to see a counselor, I think it will help. If finances are tight, a good friend or a priest will do - anyone who will be supportive of your marriage. Neutral third parties are great for this sort of thing when both people prioritize the marriage’s success. When you go, don’t focus on the surface issues - the “he said, she said,” “my expectations were” and the specific outcome that you think you want right now. That’s our tendency as humans, but it can cause friction if you don’t address the underlying issues. Dig a little deeper and really think on what you need that’s not being fulfilled right now, and also what you need that is being fulfilled right now. (For example - do you feel that she doesn’t love you enough? Do you feel less of a man because you aren’t the provider? If you were the provider, would you really want all that responsibility and risk on your shoulders?) Encourage your wife to do the same thing. Be open to re-interpreting how your needs are fulfilled (for example, if you need to be the “man,” it could work to agree on certain areas that are YOUR domain and not hers) and teach yourself to adjust to the new state of your marriage.

Good luck!
 
When a spouse writes “my marriage is in trouble” . Does that spouse think the other feels all is fine and nothing is amiss.

There is NO WAY in the world, I would be sitting on a rocky marriage, and QUIT my job. Especially in today’s market.

Cat is dead on. Your wife is still working under very insecure times. The economy is awful. And according to you the marriage, not so great. She is forced to continue to protect herself.

What happens if she quits, and you happen to have a stroke next week. Could you live on what’s in the bank right now? She will be discriminated against for her age. She will have a terrible time being rehired. I imagine she relized a very long time ago, nothing in life is guaranteed. You work, and you work hard. If you’re lucky, you enjoy your work.
 
1ke said:
I think it unreasonable to maintain the same expectations for 20 years. People change, grow, evolve. You may have discussed these things before you got married as the ideal-- but situations change, people change. (I wouldn’t expect her basic character to change, or fundmental things about her or you… but life is what happens when you are making other plans… it’s not reasonable to think you can map out your life 20 years in advance and not have it be something other than what you planned).

Unmet expectations can certainly lead to resentment. Examine the expectations and see if you think it reasonable that your wife remain the exact same for 20 years. I bet if you really look at yourself you will have to admit YOU have changed and are NOT the exact same.

What is the REAL problem? The kids are older, they don’t need “Mommy” at home every minute. Why is it unacceptable that she pursue intellectual growth?
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This. Plus what Cat said. 🙂
 
DihydrogenOxide said:
What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem. 🤷
Click to expand...
Yeah, it’s the fault of the feminists/liberal media/ObamaBush/Wall Street/the public schools/the homosexual agenda.

Here’s my Catholic perspective. Less than a year after we were married, my husband lost his job in a corporate merger. For 3.5 years the only thing that stood between my family and foreclosure and financial ruin was my job. It was the scariest time of my life, the stress from that period is written in lines and wrinkles around my eyes and across my forehead, and I still - five months after he got his new job - wake up in the middle of the night worried that something will happen and he’ll lose the new one.

I’ve walked in the OP’s wife’s shoes, and there is no way on this green and verdant earth I would ever quit my job or go part-time out of some misguided notion that my wifely place is in the home or that I’m dishonoring my children or marriage vocation by working full-time.

Luna
 
Start with Ephesians 5:25. Pray for her. Pray with her. Gently communicate your struggles with the situation, but start with Ephesians 5:25, live it and keep forefront in your heart and mind as you talk with your wife about your struggles.

And… I know what Ephesians 5:22 says, but that’s not a weapon for you to use. You are God’s instrument to love your wife and be Christ for her. You’re vocation is to love your wife and to love your children. And Christ crucified is the purest demonstration of the love we are called to have for our wives and family.
 
Thank you for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut. Let me clarify a few things. Since we have had children, I have generally done the majority of the housework and child rearing. From what my wife has told me, she works more for self fulfillment than for financial security. She could teach at a higher paying public school job but chooses the parochial school job. She commits to so many extra activities at the school that it reduces the time she is available for her family. These extra activities do not bring in extra money.

I have tried to be the supportive husband but that only encourages her to spend more time doing school related activities. I spent 10 years as Mr. Mom because my wife would not be the Mom. I realize that people change. I’m just not so sure that this is a change as much as it is who she was when we got married. I really wanted a wife who would put the family first. So… I’m not going to leave her but what do I do with the resentment I feel towards her. What do people do who are in marriages like this???
 
Arrow8 said:
Thank you for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut. Let me clarify a few things. Since we have had children, I have generally done the majority of the housework and child rearing. From what my wife has told me, she works more for self fulfillment than for financial security. She could teach at a higher paying public school job but chooses the parochial school job. She commits to so many extra activities at the school that it reduces the time she is available for her family. These extra activities do not bring in extra money.

I have tried to be the supportive husband but that only encourages her to spend more time doing school related activities. I spent 10 years as Mr. Mom because my wife would not be the Mom. I realize that people change. I’m just not so sure that this is a change as much as it is who she was when we got married. I really wanted a wife who would put the family first. So… I’m not going to leave her but what do I do with the resentment I feel towards her. What do people do who are in marriages like this???
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So you think maybe she was paying lip service to what you wanted and made you believe she wanted it too.

I am sorry, I am sure that is hurtful.

I think focusing on the virtue of Charity (Love). Loving her for who she is and despite the fact that she has disappointed you and let you down is a hard thing to do. Letting go of the resentment is hard, also. I think maybe just realizing that we are all sinners and she is blind to the hurt she is causing.

If she would consider something like Retrouvaille, I suggest going. Learn how to communicate.

Have you just come right out and told her it hurts you and you resent it? What has she said?
 
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