My marriage is in trouble

[Arrow8]

1ke,

We have discussed this over the years It comes up every few months and sometimes longer in between discussions. The last time we discussed it was a couple weeks ago. She basically says that she does not put her job ahead of her family but she could never quit her job. She said that would be like choosing between which leg to cut off.
She knows that I resent her for this.

So, I think your advice about charity is good. But how does that translate in instances where her school work shortchanges the family. For instance, she gets out of school in time to be home when the younger kids get off the bus. But she often stays later than she needs to to meet with students or parents. She could do these things before school but chooses not to. As a result, the kids are latchkey when they get off the bus. If I bring this up, she becomes angry and thinks I’m calling her a terrible mother. All I want is for their mom to be home when they get home. I get angry that I even have to bring it up since it seems like such an easy choice. So when she doesn’t change her behavior, I end up resenting her and stewing on it. What is a charitable response? How do I let go of the anger that my kids’ mom would rather be at school than home with them?

 

[thequeen]

1ke,

We have discussed this over the years It comes up every few months and sometimes longer in between discussions. The last time we discussed it was a couple weeks ago. She basically says that she does not put her job ahead of her family but she could never quit her job. She said that would be like choosing between which leg to cut off.
She knows that I resent her for this.

So, I think your advice about charity is good. But how does that translate in instances where her school work shortchanges the family. For instance, she gets out of school in time to be home when the younger kids get off the bus. But she often stays later than she needs to to meet with students or parents. She could do these things before school but chooses not to. As a result, the kids are latchkey when they get off the bus. If I bring this up, she becomes angry and thinks I’m calling her a terrible mother. All I want is for their mom to be home when they get home. I get angry that I even have to bring it up since it seems like such an easy choice. So when she doesn’t change her behavior, I end up resenting her and stewing on it. What is a charitable response? How do I let go of the anger that my kids’ mom would rather be at school than home with them?

She may not have a choice I know at our Parish school that most of the teacher meetings are held after school and most of them require the teachers to attend and you cannot always do those things right before school because of the time issue especially with the time it takes to prepare the classroom and most times if a teacher is meetings with the parents the only time they have is after school because they are so busy with this thing called life and as most of the other posters said security is important.

 

[petrel]

People who lack faith in God to provide get scared and put their family under great stress as they work to gain the elusive ideal of “material security” whatever that is.
In most cases there is no danger of starvation on the one wage. Catholic families are more interested in following the expectations of society than they are of following examples of so many holy monks and nuns who took vows of poverty recognising the virtues of poverty.

2 Corinthians 8:9 For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich.

James 1:9 Let the brother of low degree rejoice [2] in that he is exalted: 10 But the rich, in that he is made low: because as the flower of the grass he shall pass away.

Christianity reverses the world’s precepts. The poor man is exalted by the Lord being nearer to heaven, the rich man therefore must work hard to humble himself and give away what he has knowing the fleetingness of riches, lest he become to attached to this life.

The scripture says that a woman shall be saved in childbearing. Women who seek the saving of their lives through material success and abundance in this life are selling themselves short and are missing out on great joys of family life.

 

[1ke]

1ke,

We have discussed this over the years It comes up every few months and sometimes longer in between discussions. The last time we discussed it was a couple weeks ago. She basically says that she does not put her job ahead of her family but she could never quit her job. She said that would be like choosing between which leg to cut off.
She knows that I resent her for this.

So, I think your advice about charity is good. But how does that translate in instances where her school work shortchanges the family. For instance, she gets out of school in time to be home when the younger kids get off the bus. But she often stays later than she needs to to meet with students or parents. She could do these things before school but chooses not to. As a result, the kids are latchkey when they get off the bus. If I bring this up, she becomes angry and thinks I’m calling her a terrible mother. All I want is for their mom to be home when they get home. I get angry that I even have to bring it up since it seems like such an easy choice. So when she doesn’t change her behavior, I end up resenting her and stewing on it. What is a charitable response? How do I let go of the anger that my kids’ mom would rather be at school than home with them?

have you heard of the book Crucial Conversations? i suggest you pick up a copy and start practicing the techniques.

 

[severus68]

Yeah, it’s the fault of the feminists/liberal media/ObamaBush/Wall Street/the public schools/the homosexual agenda.

Here’s my Catholic perspective. Less than a year after we were married, my husband lost his job in a corporate merger. For 3.5 years the only thing that stood between my family and foreclosure and financial ruin was my job. It was the scariest time of my life, the stress from that period is written in lines and wrinkles around my eyes and across my forehead, and I still - five months after he got his new job - wake up in the middle of the night worried that something will happen and he’ll lose the new one.

I’ve walked in the OP’s wife’s shoes, and there is no way on this green and verdant earth I would ever quit my job or go part-time out of some misguided notion that my wifely place is in the home or that I’m dishonoring my children or marriage vocation by working full-time.

Luna

I am glad things are better for your family and well said.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

1ke,

We have discussed this over the years It comes up every few months and sometimes longer in between discussions. The last time we discussed it was a couple weeks ago. She basically says that she does not put her job ahead of her family but she could never quit her job. She said that would be like choosing between which leg to cut off.
She knows that I resent her for this.

So, I think your advice about charity is good. But how does that translate in instances where her school work shortchanges the family. For instance, she gets out of school in time to be home when the younger kids get off the bus. But she often stays later than she needs to to meet with students or parents. She could do these things before school but chooses not to. As a result, the kids are latchkey when they get off the bus. If I bring this up, she becomes angry and thinks I’m calling her a terrible mother. All I want is for their mom to be home when they get home. I get angry that I even have to bring it up since it seems like such an easy choice. So when she doesn’t change her behavior, I end up resenting her and stewing on it. What is a charitable response? How do I let go of the anger that my kids’ mom would rather be at school than home with them?

That is why I recommended that you go to a counselor. Your wife has chosen her job. You would like her to make another choice, but she shows no sign of wishing to do that, and in fact, seems to be happy and satisfied with the way things are. If she really wanted to be home with your children, she would be thrilled if you said, “We don’t need your income any more, please go back home and care for the children full time.” Or even, “I would love it if you could reduce your hours and be there when the children come home from school.” If she wanted that, she would gladly do it.

You are resentful, and she is not going to change. So try to find a counselor who can help you both. You are stuck in a negative pattern and it’s not going to do you any good to keep rehashing your frustration. You need to come up with some other possibilities. A good counselor (preferably Catholic) can help you and your wife meet in the middle somehow.

I will add you to my prayers.

 

[Debora123]

My wife and I have been married almost 20 years and we have a large family. When we got married, my expectation was that she would stay home with the kids and return to her job as a teacher once the youngest was in school. We had discussed this before we got married and were in agreement. Because my job was cut from full to part-time several years ago, my wife returned to her teaching job while I worked part-time in the evening and did the Mr. Mom thing during the day. I had several opportunities to return to full-time and allow her to quit but she refused to quit. Now that the kids are all in school, we’re both working full-time. My wife has volunteered for and steadily increased her extra curricular responsibilites at school and is now working on a master’s degree to become an administrator. This would effectively make her 10 month a year job into a 12 month a year job.

The main problem in our marriage is that I feel like my wife puts a greater priority on her job as a teacher than on our marraiage and family. This problem is very deep and has been present nearly our entire marriage. I feel a great deal of resentment towards her as this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage. I would never leave my wife.
That being said, I’m asking for advice on how to deal with the resentment I feel towards her. She knows how I feel but is unwilling to change. I am trying to be a good husband but at the same time, I do not feel that I am being honest if I pretend that things are okay.

I would reatly appreciate any advice…

Why would you think that her working 12 months a year vs 10 mean she cares more about her work than about her family? And why would this make you angry at her??

 

[SummerSmiles]

That is why I recommended that you go to a counselor. Your wife has chosen her job. You would like her to make another choice, but she shows no sign of wishing to do that, and in fact, seems to be happy and satisfied with the way things are. If she really wanted to be home with your children, she would be thrilled if you said, “We don’t need your income any more, please go back home and care for the children full time.” Or even, “I would love it if you could reduce your hours and be there when the children come home from school.” If she wanted that, she would gladly do it.

You are resentful, and she is not going to change. So try to find a counselor who can help you both. You are stuck in a negative pattern and it’s not going to do you any good to keep rehashing your frustration. You need to come up with some other possibilities. A good counselor (preferably Catholic) can help you and your wife meet in the middle somehow.

I will add you to my prayers.

I think this is good advice. Your wife and you clearly have differing opinions on what is best for the family. You both need to communicate to each other how you feel and what you want so that you can come to a decision that you are both happy with. Make sure that you pick a counselor who won’t encourage you both to “go your own ways.”. Make sure that you find one who will support your desire to grow together again.

 

[GraceDK]

I have tried to be the supportive husband but that only encourages her to spend more time doing school related activities. I spent 10 years as **Mr. Mom **because my wife would not be the Mom. I realize that people change. I’m just not so sure that this is a change as much as it is who she was when we got married. I really wanted a wife who would put the family first. So… I’m not going to leave her but what do I do with the resentment I feel towards her. What do people do who are in marriages like this???

Do you resent your wife because you have to do things that you don’t wanna do so you wish that she did them?
You utilize this rhetoric about “Mr. Mom” twice in this thread. Could you please explain to me what the difference is between “Mr. Mom” and daddy? and why you personally need to seperate these two?

I come from a household with two working parents. My mom wasn’t always home when I came from school. It didn’t matter to me if it was my mom or dad who was there…
What I do appreaciate about my dad is that he always loved my mother with all her personal interests and he admired her and wanted her to use her gifts and also her intellect. He didn’t feel threatened by it…
She was an exellent teacher…
I am sorry, but if you really wanna be a good parent, help your wife to fulfill her dreams too. Its not all about what you want. And don’t simply pretend like you are the voice of your children… because your children might have the same oppinion that I had about my working mother.

And yes, many men and women have ideals about the home making mom, and some women actually through experience find out that they do not thrive full time at home…

I don’t see what is the fuss.

 

[L_piperatus]

I feel a great deal of resentment towards her as this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage. I would never leave my wife.

Yeah, it’s the old bait-and-switch and now you are stuck because you don’t want to leave your wife over the issue. On a theoretical level, I really wonder whether this sort of deceit can make a marriage invalid (Canon 1098 if I’m not mistaken, “fraud by deceit” as a ground for nullity of marriage). On a practical level, you might want to employ a nanny. If, let’s say, the kids are coming home at 5 pm, but both of you are working until 7 pm, you might want to pay someone to be at your home and look after the kids from 5 pm until about 7 pm every workday.

 

[L_piperatus]

What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem.

In addition, what I am not understanding with a lot of these answers given by various posters is why don’t people read the OP more attentively before responding. For example a lot of posters who keep lecturing the OP about how he should put up with this and that, seem to have missed this part in the OP:

"this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage"

I mean, he was a free man with his own ideals and expectations regarding a potential marriage, and he made those ideals and expectations clear before they tied the knot. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong, in this case, is that his bride misled him before they married each other.

But this is the internet - you get a few posts offering sensible advice, mixed with a lot of nonsense. People who never really bothered to read the OP’s post and to put themselves in his shoes, will keep lecturing him.

 

[GraceDK]

In addition, what I am not understanding with a lot of these answers given by various posters is why don’t people read the OP more attentively before responding. For example a lot of posters who keep lecturing the OP about how he should put up with this and that, seem to have missed this part in the OP:

"this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage"

I mean, he was a free man with his own ideals and expectations regarding a potential marriage, and he made those ideals and expectations clear before they tied the knot. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. **What’s wrong, in this case, is that his bride misled him before they married each other. **

But this is the internet - you get a few posts offering sensible advice, mixed with a lot of nonsense. People who never really bothered to read the OP’s post and to put themselves in his shoes, will keep lecturing him.

You condemn the wife even more than her husband does…
Misled is a word that indicates willful deceit. Where do you find in the OP’s description that his wife didn’t believe herself, that she would be a happy stay at home mom???

Maybe you are the one with the nonsense?

 

[Cat]

What I am not understanding with some of these answers is the catholic perspective.

Her primary vocation is her marriage and family. Secondary is her job.

Must be a societal problem.

Yes, her primary vocation is her marriage and family. The question is, “HOW, practically, on a day-to-day basis, does a woman fulfil that vocation?”

There are many answers to that question, and the answers will vary for each wife and mother.

Some women fulfil their vocation as wife and mother by staying home and devoting themselves body and soul to their husband and children, never leaving them with anyone else (including schoolteachers), homeschooling, raising the food (gardens, livestock, etc.), and always giving themselves to their husband whenever and however he needs her.

That’s beautiful! It works really well when the man has a job that earns enough money and benefits to adequately provide for the family. Nowadays, it is not always a “given” that a man will be able to hold down such a job.

Other women fulfil their vocation as wives and mothers by working outside of the home, helping to provide for their husband and children.

And that’s beautiful, too.

I do not know of a vocation called, “Working at a job.” I thought that women were called to the following vocations: Religious, Married, or Single. I didn’t realize that “Working at a job” was a vocation. I thought that “Working at a job” was one way to fulfil a vocation. Please, theologians, correct me if I am wrong about this.

At any rate, for those of us women who are wives and mothers who decide to work outside of the home, there must be a balance. We cannot allow our jobs to become a “vocation.” We must use our jobs to fulfil our vocations as wives and mothers.

I suspect that in the OP’s home, this is where the wife is having some issues, or perhaps it is the husband who is having issues. The couple has to sit down and figure out how the wife can work outside the home, but still hold her marriage and children up as her “vocation” and not allow her job to take over the family life. I’m sure if they sit down and talk this through, they will work it out.

 

[Cat]

In addition, what I am not understanding with a lot of these answers given by various posters is why don’t people read the OP more attentively before responding. For example a lot of posters who keep lecturing the OP about how he should put up with this and that, seem to have missed this part in the OP:

"this is not at all what we discussed prior to our marriage"

I mean, he was a free man with his own ideals and expectations regarding a potential marriage, and he made those ideals and expectations clear before they tied the knot. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong, in this case, is that his bride misled him before they married each other.

But this is the internet - you get a few posts offering sensible advice, mixed with a lot of nonsense. People who never really bothered to read the OP’s post and to put themselves in his shoes, will keep lecturing him.

We read the OP.

And as several others on this thread have already said, it is unrealistic to expect two young people with loving stars in their eyes to be able to make decisions that will remain unchanged for an entire marriage.

People change. Culture changes. The economy changes (bigtime). Even our faith changes and matures, hopefully.

Often people who have no children make assumptions about how life will be once they have children. And then they have children, and hoo boy, everything changes, and the couple realizes how naive they were to make plans that didn’t take reality into account!

E.g., a couple has a child, and the expectation was that they will have another child within a year. But the 1st child has some kind of medical condition that requires very intensive care by the mother and father. Many couples (not all) in this situation will make a decision to delay having another child until there is more stability in the family. That’s a realistic and sensible approach. The couple may grieve that their original plans must be discarded, but if they wish to keep their marriage strong, they will eventually adjust to the new plan and embrace it as the right decision.

A good, strong marriage “bends.” If the marriage does not bend, but remains stiff, it will often break under pressure. Couples have to continually assess their circumstances and be willing to adjust their plans and expectations.

In the OPs case, he is grieving the change in plans made 20 years ago, when he and his bride-to-be were young, dreamy, and had the world on a string. The OP must find a way to stop grieving and move on and embrace the reality that is the marriage. He has to “bend.” If he continues to grieve for the past and remain rigid and stiff, the marriage will break.

I feel for the OP. It is tough to have expectations and dreams go by the wayside. I still mourn some of my teenage “dreams” that have never happened and never will happen.

I sense that the OP is questioning his masculinity, and feels a bit hen-pecked. I’m wondering if it would help the OP to get together (privately) with other Christian (Catholic) men who also have working wives, and seek their wise counsel on how to deal with his situation and get to a place where he embraces the reality of his wife working.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

We read the OP.

And as several others on this thread have already said, it is unrealistic to expect two young people with loving stars in their eyes to be able to make decisions that will remain unchanged for an entire marriage.

People change. Culture changes. The economy changes (bigtime). Even our faith changes and matures, hopefully.

Often people who have no children make assumptions about how life will be once they have children. And then they have children, and hoo boy, everything changes, and the couple realizes how naive they were to make plans that didn’t take reality into account!

E.g., a couple has a child, and the expectation was that they will have another child within a year. But the 1st child has some kind of medical condition that requires very intensive care by the mother and father. Many couples (not all) in this situation will make a decision to
delay having another child until there is more stability in the family. That’s a realistic and sensible approach. The couple may grieve that their original plans must be discarded, but if they wish to keep their marriage strong, they will eventually adjust to the new plan and embrace it as the right decision.

A good, strong marriage “bends.” If the marriage does not bend, but remains stiff, it will often break under pressure. Couples have to continually assess their circumstances and be willing to adjust their plans and expectations.

In the OPs case, he is grieving the change in plans made 20 years ago, when he and his bride-to-be were young, dreamy, and had the world on a string. The OP must find a way to stop grieving and move on and embrace the reality that is the marriage. He has to “bend.” If he continues to grieve for the past and remain rigid and stiff, the marriage will break.

I feel for the OP. It is tough to have expectations and dreams go by the wayside. I still
mourn some of my teenage “dreams” that have never happened and never will happen.

I sense that the OP is questioning his masculinity, and feels a bit hen-pecked. I’m wondering if it would help the OP to get together (privately) with other Christian (Catholic) men who also have working wives, and seek their wise counsel on how to deal with his situation and get to a place where he embraces the reality of his wife working.

+1

 

[Cat]

1ke,

We have discussed this over the years It comes up every few months and sometimes longer in between discussions. The last time we discussed it was a couple weeks ago. She basically says that she does not put her job ahead of her family but she could never quit her job. She said that would be like choosing between which leg to cut off.
She knows that I resent her for this.

So, I think your advice about charity is good. But how does that translate in instances where her school work shortchanges the family. For instance, she gets out of school in time to be home when the younger kids get off the bus. But she often stays later than she needs to to meet with students or parents. She could do these things before school but chooses not to. As a result, the kids are latchkey when they get off the bus. If I bring this up, she becomes angry and thinks I’m calling her a terrible mother. All I want is for their mom to be home when they get home. I get angry that I even have to bring it up since it seems like such an easy choice. So when she doesn’t change her behavior, I end up resenting her and stewing on it. What is a charitable response? How do I let go of the anger that my kids’ mom would rather be at school than home with them?

I’m not sure I understand this.

In several of your posts, you describe yourself as “Mr. Mom,” staying home and caring for the children.

So why are the kids “latchkey?” Are you not home at the time they get off the bus?

If you are working, is it possible for YOU to get off work to be home when they get home from school? Why does it have to be your wife?

Thank you for clarifying.

You ask what a charitable response would be. I would say that you must attempt to find out and understand and ACCEPT the reasons your wife cannot be home when your children get off the bus.

You need to talk to her and reach an understanding and acceptance of her job.

You also need to fully and completely support her. If you are undermining her in front of your children by saying things like “Mommy can’t be home to greet you after school, so you’ll have to stay here all by yourself,” that’s really bad.

** NEVER EVER EVER undermine the other parent in front of the children!** This is absolute death for any hope that the children will grow up respecting their parents. While they are small, they will not cause much trouble, but as they get older, you will reap the bitter fruits of this common child-rearing mistake. ALWAYS support your spouse in front of the children! A mom and dad MUST be on the same page.

I hope that the previous paragraph doesn’t apply to the OP or anyone else reading this thread.

But it’s so easy for a spouse to subtly undermine their spouse by saying little things, or even by sighing or rolling their eyes. Really watch yourself, OP, and be diligent to not undermine your wife, your children’s mother. You obviously disagree with the decision that your wife has made to work full time. Do NOT let the children have any hint that you disagree. You are really on a pathway to family tragedy if you cannot control this in yourself. You will remember my words someday when your children dis you and your wife. I hope this doesn’t happen.

Fully and completely support your wife’s decision and let your children know that you fully and completely support their Mommy’s decision. Tell them that they are lucky to have such a smart Mommy who is good at her work, and tell them that you know that they are just as smart and that they will make good use of the time that they are home alone after school.

I hope you understand that the after-school activities are not “extra,” but are actually part of your wife’s job. If she does not do these activities, but just walks away at the end of the day, it’s possible that she will not be viewed by her superiors as a good employee or team-player, and her contract will not be renewed. That’s the way certain jobs are. Not all jobs are clock-punching jobs, where you put in your hours and are free to leave at the end of the shift. Many jobs require after-hours involvement, often without pay. (The salary and benefits are considered the “pay” for after-hours involvement.)

It would be good if you could discuss your wife’s job with her and try to understand exactly what it is that she does and why. I frankly admire people who work in paroachial schools for less pay than the public schools.

Are your children attending the school where your wife works? Often employee children attend for free, or at a greatly-reduced tuition. That’s a real blessing.

 

[VonDerTann]

I echo everything Cat has said.

As a married guy…I’m thilled my wife works, and we’re thankful for her income (we both work).

I also echo the sentiments that expectations change over years and decades.

Trying to be objective…given the pros of why OP’s wife works, is it really, really so bad that wife is working as a parochial school teacher?

We’re talking about safe, clean, indoor work, where she’s home in time for the schoolbus. How’d you like to be married to a wife who travels with work? Or who works in a profession where she may get hit on or approached by other men? Or one where there is danger in the job, i.e., a policewoman? Or a corporate lawyer who works an 80 hour week and must do so to pay her school loans? I sympathize with OP but seriously, count your blessings, friend!

PLUS: This does not apply to OP, but there will be some men who are just never happy when wife works outside the home, or who preach about how wife should not work because of how wonderful it is to be dirt poor and rely on God for everything (as if God will magically deliver cash for the mortgage payment). Those folks are beyond help IMHO, so there’s no use in responding…

 

[Catholic90]

We read the OP.

And as several others on this thread have already said, it is unrealistic to expect two young people with loving stars in their eyes to be able to make decisions that will remain unchanged for an entire marriage.

People change. Culture changes. The economy changes (bigtime). Even our faith changes and matures, hopefully.

Often people who have no children make assumptions about how life will be once they have children. And then they have children, and hoo boy, everything changes, and the couple realizes how naive they were to make plans that didn’t take reality into account!

E.g., a couple has a child, and the expectation was that they will have another child within a year. But the 1st child has some kind of medical condition that requires very intensive care by the mother and father. Many couples (not all) in this situation will make a decision to delay having another child until there is more stability in the family. That’s a realistic and sensible approach. The couple may grieve that their original plans must be discarded, but if they wish to keep their marriage strong, they will eventually adjust to the new plan and embrace it as the right decision.

A good, strong marriage “bends.” If the marriage does not bend, but remains stiff, it will often break under pressure. Couples have to continually assess their circumstances and be willing to adjust their plans and expectations.

In the OPs case, he is grieving the change in plans made 20 years ago, when he and his bride-to-be were young, dreamy, and had the world on a string. The OP must find a way to stop grieving and move on and embrace the reality that is the marriage. He has to “bend.” If he continues to grieve for the past and remain rigid and stiff, the marriage will break.

I feel for the OP. It is tough to have expectations and dreams go by the wayside. I still mourn some of my teenage “dreams” that have never happened and never will happen.

I sense that the OP is questioning his masculinity, and feels a bit hen-pecked. I’m wondering if it would help the OP to get together (privately) with other Christian (Catholic) men who also have working wives, and seek their wise counsel on how to deal with his situation and get to a place where he embraces the reality of his wife working.

+2

 

[Catholic90]

I echo everything Cat has said.

As a married guy…I’m thilled my wife works, and we’re thankful for her income (we both work).

I also echo the sentiments that expectations change over years and decades.

Trying to be objective…given the pros of why OP’s wife works, is it really, really so bad that wife is working as a parochial school teacher?

We’re talking about safe, clean, indoor work, where she’s home in time for the schoolbus. How’d you like to be married to a wife who travels with work? Or who works in a profession where she may get hit on or approached by other men? Or one where there is danger in the job, i.e., a policewoman? Or a corporate lawyer who works an 80 hour week and must do so to pay her school loans? I sympathize with OP but seriously, count your blessings, friend!

PLUS: This does not apply to OP, but there will be some men who are just never happy when wife works outside the home, or who preach about how wife should not work because of how wonderful it is to be dirt poor and rely on God for everything (as if God will magically deliver cash for the mortgage payment). Those folks are beyond help IMHO, so there’s no use in responding…

excellent

 

[EvelynEVF]

I don’t have much to add, but did want to say that when a wife tells her husband, “Oh, no, i’m not doing this for financial security; I’m doing it for personal fulfillment!” it’s actually possible that she does not want to insult her husband by saying outright that he is not a sufficient breadwinner to provide the security she desires.

I have a friend who started back to work as a teacher when her kids were old enough to start school. She chose it because she would have summers off and be home in the afternoons when her kids got home. She is a very competent teacher and is now the most stressed-out person I know, because that competence means lots of after school meetings, and a boss who feels free to call her and require her to work in the summer to save said boss’ hiney. She might as well become an administrator so that she actually gets paid for all the work she does!