My mentally ill spouse and contraception

[tpg]

My wife and I have been married for nearly ten years. We have two amazing children (5 and 7) and they are healthy, happy, and God loving. My wife and I are both active and participating Catholics. However, my wife also suffers from bi-polar disorder and ocd. She is on medication for these things. She also suffered severe postpartum depression after the birth of our second child in addition to a physically difficult pregnancy which rendered her bed ridden for months. She is a wonderful mother, but due to her mental instability, history of postpartum depression, and severe illness during pregnancy she is extremely reticent to have another child. She understands and agrees with the Church’s stance on contraception, and is well aware of NFP. Arguments over these issues have brought my marriage to the brink of divorce.

She knows where she stands, she knows the stance of the church, and she know where I stand… She is the mother of my children and a wonderful person. I love her dearly and I don’t know how to cope with this situation… Any advice?

-ps. We are aware and agree with Church teaching. She is willing to remain in a state of sin if it means that her mental illness cannot hurt the children we have or potential future children.

 

[BeautyFromAshes]

I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. Your wife agrees with the Church’s teachings, but just not in her case?

 

[tpg]

I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. Your wife agrees with the Church’s teachings, but just not in her case?

Sorry if my wording was confusing. She sees why and agrees with the sinful nature of contraception. She knows that she is sinning. She is sorrowful for that fact. That being the case, however, she is not willing to chance the physical or emotional toll that accompanies pregnancy complicated by mental illness. The fact that she is knowingly sinning only serves to depress her even more.

 

[JRKH]

My wife and I have been married for nearly ten years. We have two amazing children (5 and 7) and they are healthy, happy, and God loving. My wife and I are both active and participating Catholics. However, my wife also suffers from bi-polar disorder and ocd. She is on medication for these things. She also suffered severe postpartum depression after the birth of our second child in addition to a physically difficult pregnancy which rendered her bed ridden for months. She is a wonderful mother, but due to her mental instability, history of postpartum depression, and severe illness during pregnancy she is extremely reticent to have another child. She understands and agrees with the Church’s stance on contraception, and is well aware of NFP. Arguments over these issues have brought my marriage to the brink of divorce.

She knows where she stands, she knows the stance of the church, and she know where I stand… She is the mother of my children and a wonderful person. I love her dearly and I don’t know how to cope with this situation… Any advice?

-ps. We are aware and agree with Church teaching. She is willing to remain in a state of sin if it means that her mental illness cannot hurt the children we have or potential future children.

Take this matter to your pastor. He is the one who can best advise you.

Just to give you something to consider.
The teachings of the Church are wonderful and fit in the vast majority of cases.
But there must always be room for exceptions. Otherwise we fall prey to the very thing that Jesus remonstrated the Pharisees for…legalism and a failure to apply mercy to the law.

Remember that the two commandments that underpin all of the Law is to Love God and to Love neighbor (Mt 22:36-40). Remember too that Jesus left us with a single command - that we love one another as He loved us (John 13:34-35). So the foundation of all things in our lives must be Love - Agape.

So when we apply the teachings of the Church, they must be done from this position - of love for God and for each other. This is how we apply mercy to “the law”, in this case the teachings of the church.
The Holy Spirit expressed this idea wonderfully through St Paul here:
8Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not kill, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” **and any other commandment, are summed up in this sentence, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10*Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. **(Romans 13:8-10)
So - you and your wife need to prayerfully consider this matter in the light of Agape Love, both your Love of God and your Love for each other and your children.
Than make an appointment to talk this over with your pastor / confessor.

May God Bless you both abundantly.

Peace
James

 

[tpg]

But there must always be room for exceptions. Otherwise we fall prey to the very thing that Jesus remonstrated the Pharisees for…legalism and a failure to apply mercy to the law.

Remember that the two commandments that underpin all of the Law is to Love God and to Love neighbor (Mt 22:36-40). Remember too that Jesus left us with a single command - that we love one another as He loved us (John 13:34-35). So the foundation of all things in our lives must be Love - Agape.

So when we apply the teachings of the Church, they must be done from this position - of love for God and for each other. This is how we apply mercy to “the law”, in this case the teachings of the church.
The Holy Spirit expressed this idea wonderfully through St Paul here:
8Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not kill, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” **and any other commandment, are summed up in this sentence, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10*Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. **(Romans 13:8-10)

This is amazing and beautiful! It really does put things in perspective, and I will definitely be speaking to my priest about all of this. It’s funny that you bring up the pharisee thing, because I had just spoken to my wife about my fear that I was being to legalistic!

 

[JRKH]

This is amazing and beautiful! It really does put things in perspective, and I will definitely be speaking to my priest about all of this. It’s funny that you bring up the pharisee thing, because I had just spoken to my wife about my fear that I was being to legalistic!

I’m glad that my reply was of some help to you.

Something that I should have included in my post - lest people misunderstand - is the importance of the “well formed conscience” in these matters. One does not simply ignore or set aside Church teaching. Only when one has pondered, prayed and sought learned counsel on a matter, and done so with Agape at the center, can one truly say that they have formed their conscience to the very best of their ability and then move forward from there.

You said in a follow-up post that:

Sorry if my wording was confusing. She sees why and agrees with the sinful nature of contraception. She knows that she is sinning. She is sorrowful for that fact. That being the case, however, she is not willing to chance the physical or emotional toll that accompanies pregnancy complicated by mental illness. The fact that she is knowingly sinning only serves to depress her even more.

This alone says that you and your wife love God and wish to put Him first in your lives. Your wife’s feelings of guilt in this matter is proof of this.
Yet - You and she are doing the very best that you can. OK - it’s not perfect - but what is your desire and your goal? Is it not to be true to God and to each other? Is it not to do all things with Love? What would a loving parent say to a child who is struggling with an illness?
These are all things that focusing on Agape can help us with.

Peace
James

 

[nodito]

and she know where I stand… She is the mother of my children and a wonderful person. I love her dearly and I don’t know how to cope with this situation… Any advice?

-ps. We are aware and agree with Church teaching. She is willing to remain in a state of sin if it means that her mental illness cannot hurt the children we have or potential future children.

Where do you stand?

 

[tpg]

Where do you stand?

With the Church. Humanae Vitae seems to sum it up well.

Unlawful Birth Control Methods

1. Therefore We base Our words on the first principles of a human and Christian doctrine of marriage when We are obliged once more to declare that the direct interruption of the generative process already begun and, above all, all direct abortion, even for therapeutic reasons, are to be absolutely excluded as lawful means of regulating the number of children. (14) Equally to be condemned, as the magisterium of the Church has affirmed on many occasions, is direct sterilization, whether of the man or of the woman, whether permanent or temporary. (15)

Similarly excluded is any action which either before, at the moment of, or after sexual intercourse, is specifically intended to prevent procreation—whether as an end or as a means. (16)

Neither is it valid to argue, as a justification for sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive, that a lesser evil is to be preferred to a greater one, or that such intercourse would merge with procreative acts of past and future to form a single entity, and so be qualified by exactly the same moral goodness as these. Though it is true that sometimes it is lawful to tolerate a lesser moral evil in order to avoid a greater evil or in order to promote a greater good," it is never lawful, even for the gravest reasons, to do evil that good may come of it (18)—in other words, to intend directly something which of its very nature contradicts the moral order, and which must therefore be judged unworthy of man, even though the intention is to protect or promote the welfare of an individual, of a family or of society in general. Consequently, it is a serious error to think that a whole married life of otherwise normal relations can justify sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive and so intrinsically wrong.

That being said, my family and I have extenuating circumstances that may affect my wife’s culpability. We’ll have to speak to a priest to know for sure…

 

[nodito]

With the Church. Humanae Vitae seems to sum it up well.

That being said, my family and I have extenuating circumstances that may affect my wife’s culpability. We’ll have to speak to a priest to know for sure…

That may be true.

How does she feel about abstinence? If she feels that she’s sinning by using birth control and yet unable to cope with another pregnancy and not willing to practice NFP, you might consider proposing to her that you remain abstinent.

 

[1ke]

Contraception is always wrong. There are not any “exceptions” no matter what anyone tries to tell you. No one can give you or your wife permission to contracept, including your priest.

What your priest can do is counsel YOU on how to handle a spouse who decides to contracept, despite it being gravely wrong and against your wishes. If your wife insists on contracepting and you cannot dissuade her, seek counsel from your pastor.

 

[1ke]

Something that I should have included in my post - lest people misunderstand - is the importance of the “well formed conscience” in these matters. One does not simply ignore or set aside Church teaching. Only when one has pondered, prayed and sought learned counsel on a matter, and done so with Agape at the center, can one truly say that they have formed their conscience to the very best of their ability and then move forward from there.

Yes, they have a well formed conscience, they KNOW it is gravely wrong and have stated as much. In encouraging them to ignore that fact in the name of “love” you are encouraging them to commit a grave act with full knowledge and consent. The very definition of mortally sinful acts. That is reckless of you.

 

[JRKH]

Yes, they have a well formed conscience, they KNOW it is gravely wrong and have stated as much. In encouraging them to ignore that fact in the name of “love” you are encouraging them to commit a grave act with full knowledge and consent. The very definition of mortally sinful acts. That is reckless of you.

It is good to have various views presented.

You may consider that I am encouraging them to sin. I do not think that I have. I certainly have not encouraged them to ignore anything.

You will note that I expressly told them that they needed to talk with their pastor on this.

As Always 1ke, it is good to have your (name removed by moderator)ut on these things.

Peace
James

 

[tpg]

1ke and JRKH… I am blessed to have (name removed by moderator)ut from both of you. I do think that 1ke doesn’t give me enough credit in realizing that JRKH is putting forth his opinion in tandem with suggesting that I seek my parish priest’s advice. Not at all reckless. I shall keep you posted!

 

[Regina7]

Why is she opposed to nfp? If done correctly, nfp is more effective than any other form of birth control.

 

[SuperLuigi]

She knows where she stands, she knows the stance of the church, and she know where I stand… She is the mother of my children and a wonderful person. I love her dearly and I don’t know how to cope with this situation… Any advice?

Yes:

You need to discuss this with a priest to determine culpability.

 

[nodito]

Yes:

You need to discuss this with a priest to determine culpability.

SuperLuigi, Why is this important? I can understand how certain factors can reduce culpability (an dhence judgement at the time of death), but how would that change what we are required or forbidden to do?

 

[kittyplant]

i dont really have an answer to this just wanted to say i can relate. i have bipolar disorder and i take two meds for it. i have a newborn and as much as i love him it is difficult. i can understand there are a lot of reasons why another baby can be scary including the health of the baby, changing or stopping meds during pregnancy, will the meds still work for her after pregnancy, post partum psychosis…

but maybe she wont feel this way forever? maybe if you guys abstain for long enough she will feel up to it again? ( like, for years?)

p.s i cant stand when people are like “nfp is fool proof!”

 

[Regina7]

i dont really have an answer to this just wanted to say i can relate. i have bipolar disorder and i take two meds for it. i have a newborn and as much as i love him it is difficult. i can understand there are a lot of reasons why another baby can be scary including the health of the baby, changing or stopping meds during pregnancy, will the meds still work for her after pregnancy, post partum psychosis…

but maybe she wont feel this way forever? maybe if you guys abstain for long enough she will feel up to it again? ( like, for years?)

p.s i cant stand when people are like “nfp is fool proof!”

Nfp isn’t foolproof (only abstinence is). But “regular” birth control isn’t foolproof either!

 

[whm]

Tough situation. Pretty similar to ours. We ended up abstaining for the last 12 years. We are in our early 40’s now and the world did not come to an end! Just throwing it out there as an viable option.

For those who haven’t gone through this type of situation, NFP can add a lot of anxiety to the situation. It feeds right into PPD and OCD issues. ABC likely does too(especially if you are morally opposed to it), never used it so can’t speak personally to that though. PPD in particular can be extremely dangerous to the mother and the children, can lead to thoughts of suicide. Taking a extended period off, might help the situation quite a bit.

 

[SuperLuigi]

SuperLuigi, Why is this important? I can understand how certain factors can reduce culpability (an dhence judgement at the time of death), but how would that change what we are required or forbidden to do?

I have heard that if a spouse in a valid marriage insists on contraception and the other partner is opposed (and should be obviously), then they may still have intercourse and the spouse opposed to contraception is not sinning.

That is perhaps one possibility. But it doesn’t make contraception right, it just more clearly defines material cooperation of sorts.

But I can’t sit here and tell someone that’s okay; it’s an assessment of conscience that I think requires spiritual direction