My MIL and her upcoming wedding

[deb1]

That is one of many options that are acceptable. At our Catholic wedding, my father escorted me up the aisle to DH. I could have also walked up with both parents, just Mom, by myself, or with my husband. In a Catholic wedding, however, there is no giving away of the bride. The bride gives herself to the groom and vice versa.

As a convert to Catholicism, I find this pretty interesting. Historically has it always been this way? Why do Protestants refer to 'giving the bride away."

I apologize to the OP for derailing the thread a bit.

 

[16670]

I stumbled across this thread and was kind of amazed at the responses I read.
I recall the original poster stating that the “MIL” more or less brags about the money she has and what she does with it. I’d ask you all to read Matthew 18: 15-17. I think “Truthful” has a good point. We don’t know all the facts - she knows more (much more) than we do. Unfortunately not everyone has a good MIL.
I think the sons giving their mother away is kind of odd, especially when the bride to be has a capable father who can do it (why isn’t he? perhaps he doesn’t approve?). I think maybe her (brides) brother could do it. I don’t think it is the sons place to do this.
Perhaps the MIL should have asked the sons opinion first. Just my opinion but I thought some of the replies were a bit harsh to the original poster. :tsktsk: Some of you act like the DIL’s opinions don’t matter and MIL’s are ALL that does matter. :banghead: Some people DO marry for the wrong reasons. I’m not judging her (MIL) but what if she is? I think her son has the right to be concerned, as I said before. We don’t know all the facts. I’d advise a lot of prayer on this and may God bless you. :tiphat: :twocents:

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Catholic brides of any age come of their own free will to be married. Their fathers, brothers, sons, whatever may or may not escort them. For that matter, parents (mom, too) of both the bride and groom are welcome to walk up the aisle with their children. But brides are never “given away” as if they are property of another person. It has to be her decision. That’s why there’s no, “Who gives this woman?”

As to whether the OP’s MIL should marry this guy- it’s up to her and the old dude. If there is no impediment to the marriage per the “usual”, MIL has the right to request a dispensation to marry him, and marry him if given within the time frame allowed by the diocese.

The OP and her husband are not going to be able to prove she is marrying the guy for his money. It doesn’t matter how well-intentioned they are. It doesn’t matter if they are right about her. To ask to discuss the matter with her priest, as if she is a minor child, is really not a good idea, just makes the OP and her husband look bad. Moms is well over 18. She can do as she likes, including be an alleged golddigger if she chooses. It will not reflect badly on the son if she does.

OP can pray that if this marriage is not of God’s Will, something will happen to stop it. OP and her husband can choose not to attend, but they’d be better off for family harmony if they did.

You just don’t know. Maybe her intended is happy to leave his money to her. Maybe he knows she is an alleged golddigger, and it doesn’t bother him. Maybe he has his reasons. Maybe he’ll make her sign a prenup.

But the woman is more than a grown-up, and more than entitled to do this, even if what is said is true.

 

[Listener]

I know I would be upset too if one of my parents had remarried during their old age. I understand why you’re upset. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with what she’s doing. Of course, her son can give her away.

I think that the one with the problem would be the groom’s son. Will he lose his inheritance because his father will leave everything to your mother-in-law?

 

[SeekerJen]

You know, as I reread the original post I wonder if the OP’s MIL is really a golddigger, or if she’s more worried about being left poor in her old age, especially after reading that the interest in money came after her first husband died. That would explain why she’s keeping her own house, even though she and her intended have a condo together. It may not even be a conscious fear, which is why it may appear to be money-hunger.

My own grandmother remarried a rather well-off widower two years after my biological grandfather died. As my grandfather had been on disability for years prior to his death due to illness, he was not able to leave much financial support for my grandmother. That may have been a factor in her decision to marry the nice widower who I knew as Grandpa. She always talked later about how lucky she was to be so well taken care of, as she outlived her second husband as well. However, I never once doubted her love for Grandpa. The two of them lit up around each other, they made each other happy, and if Grandpa managed to provide financially for her, she also managed to make his last years comfortable by refusing to put him in a nursing home when he became bedridden; instead, she nursed him at home for his last three years. I know that lack of money was even a concern in my grandma’s later years; when we had to move her into an assisted living apartment community after her stroke, she worried constantly about having enough money to pay for it, what if the money ran out, etc. She was the furthest thing from a golddigger, but she did worry about being a burden on her kids and on society in general. I suspect the OP’s MIL might have similar fears.

 

[LittleRose]

Being elderly and alone can be a very scary—and expensive thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if that thought is on her mind.

As long as she is freely and without reservation consenting to enter into a marriage that is permanent, exclusive, and open to life (so far as that is possible at her age), she can do so. Because she is a grown woman making her own decisions, any other reasons she has for this are between her and the groom.

Now, if you believe she lacks the competence to give her consent to marry someone, or if she is otherwise not free to validly marry someone, that’s another story. Short of that, leave her alone and be happy for her.

 

[ecp007]

How would you have felt if your MIL objected to your marriage, claiming that you were marrying her son for the “wrong reason”?

Pray that God blesses them and their marriage, and brings them joy and a long life.

Remember that dear MIL gave birth to your husband, and raised him. It is because of her that he is the man he is today. Honor her and her wishes – that’s the 4th commandment.

 

[dympnha]

There are few things more frightening than finding yourself old and alone. If you MIL is concerned about money I can’t blame her. This country is not very kind to the elderly and down right cruel to old women. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be secure. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to face, disease, age and death alone. She’s been with this man for 3 years and he probably knows the deal. Go the wedding and be happy that she’s found someone.

 

[Island_Oak]

If I were you I’d attend, and be nice. If she wants her son to give her away, respect her wishes. All the more power to her if she wants to marry a man of means. You’d probably be critical if she wanted to marry a broke loser too, I’d bet.

AMEN!

…not to mention how does this guy get away unscathed for robbing the cradle–after all he snagged a much younger babe! He must be the envy of all his friends. Let them be and wish them well–consider they are each getting something they value out of their union and it might actually be nothing more scandalous than companionship.

 

[deb1]

I hope the OP will keep us updated. I like to know how the problems in threads turn out.

 

[Mom_of_5]

I hope the OP will keep us updated. I like to know how the problems in threads turn out.

I am with you, Deb. I am hoping that the sons will walk mom down the aisle and the entire family attends and has a good time. What a wonderful time to mend the fence. if it is

Love and peace,
Mom of 5

 

[truthful]

How would you have felt if your MIL objected to your marriage, claiming that you were marrying her son for the “wrong reason”?

My MIL did NOT want her son to marry me, because I was Protestant.

Pray that God blesses them and their marriage, and brings them joy and a long life.

I pray God blesses her everyday no matter what.

Remember that dear MIL gave birth to your husband, and raised him. It is because of her that he is the man he is today. Honor her and her wishes – that’s the 4th commandment.

Giving birth to my husband is the only good thing I give her credit for. My husband has told me some things that happened that no child should have to go through, not to mention the way she puts him down now. We met and I along with God helped him to turn his life around. He respects the fact that she is his mother but when we married, husband and wife become one not husband, wife and MIL become one. She doesn’t want anything to do with him or our kids any other time so why try to put on a show for people now.!

 

[truthful]

I am with you, Deb. I am hoping that the sons will walk mom down the aisle and the entire family attends and has a good time. What a wonderful time to mend the fence. if it is

Love and peace,
Mom of 5

My husband has already said he is not walking his mom down the aisle. He just doesn’t feel comfortable doing it. If his brother wants to walk her down the aisle then more power to him.

We have tried mending the fence so to speak so many times we lost count and we just never seem to get anywhere with it. We have been the ones to say hey, let’s just bury the hatchet and start anew only to have her start right back up where she left off. That is why we have set boundaries because my husband couldn’t take the “abuse” any more. We love her and wish her well but we think it’s best if we just keep to ourselves.

 

[ecp007]

Giving birth to my husband is the only good thing I give her credit for. My husband has told me some things that happened that no child should have to go through, not to mention the way she puts him down now. We met and I along with God helped him to turn his life around. He respects the fact that she is his mother but when we married, husband and wife become one not husband, wife and MIL become one. She doesn’t want anything to do with him or our kids any other time so why try to put on a show for people now.!

Because God says, “Honor your father and mother.” Not, “only honor your father and mother if they are nice and wonderful.” He says honor them regardless.

God created the specific mother-son relationship you are complaining about. God has a plan. Trust God. Honor your MIL, regardless of whether you think she deserves it or not.

 

[truthful]

It is quite obvious that some if not most of you have a at least a good relationship with your mothers therefore you would have absolutely no idea how my husband feels being put down and degraded by his only living parent (his mom). A mother is supposed to love her children unconditionally and treat them with respect as well. My husband wants so much to have his mother love him and treat him the way she treats his brother and sister but every time he looks at his pictures from when he was growing up she is not holding him in any of them, only one of her other kids. You just have to be around him when his mother is about to come over for a visit. He gets sick to his stomach, headaches, diarrhea and cramps and he is so stresses he doesn’t know if he is coming or going. A person should not get like that over his own mom. When they are together they hardly even speak to each other and when she does she is usually saying things about his job not being good enough or him not making enough money to do this or that and then in the next breath she brags about her money and the vacations she takes and the friends she goes out with etc. I never said we didn’t honor her and I know God has a plan for this situation and I know that He understands the reasons my husband keeps his distance from her. He has prayed about this for a long time and believes God is telling him to keep his distance for his health and for the sake of not causing any more turmoil than what has already occured. I appreciate the opinions of everyone who posted but until you have been in this situation yourselves you just don’t know what it’s like. I would like to ask all of you to pray for my MIL and her upcoming wedding and that one day their realtionship will be mended. Thanks and God bless you.

 

[deb1]

It is quite obvious that some if not most of you have a at least a good relationship with your mothers therefore you would have absolutely no idea how my husband feels being put down and degraded by his only living parent (his mom). A mother is supposed to love her children unconditionally and treat them with respect as well. My husband wants so much to have his mother love him and treat him the way she treats his brother and sister but every time he looks at his pictures from when he was growing up she is not holding him in any of them, only one of her other kids. You just have to be around him when his mother is about to come over for a visit. He gets sick to his stomach, headaches, diarrhea and cramps and he is so stresses he doesn’t know if he is coming or going. A person should not get like that over his own mom. When they are together they hardly even speak to each other and when she does she is usually saying things about his job not being good enough or him not making enough money to do this or that and then in the next breath she brags about her money and the vacations she takes and the friends she goes out with etc. I never said we didn’t honor her and I know God has a plan for this situation and I know that He understands the reasons my husband keeps his distance from her. He has prayed about this for a long time and believes God is telling him to keep his distance for his health and for the sake of not causing any more turmoil than what has already occured. I appreciate the opinions of everyone who posted but until you have been in this situation yourselves you just don’t know what it’s like. I would like to ask all of you to pray for my MIL and her upcoming wedding and that one day their realtionship will be mended. Thanks and God bless you.

You have more then one issue going. The first issue was whether you should be concerned if you MIL is marrying for money. That is a seperate issue from the abuse she is using against her son.

I, too, have been in this situation. My mother spent my whole childhood telling me I was a slut and whore. And for the sake of my children, I finally had to break off contact with her.

But the wedding itself shouldn’t be an issue in whether your husband breaks off ties with his mom. If he decides to, it should be wholly about the abuse that he is suffering, not her upcoming marriage.

 

[daeve]

Personally, I would go, escort her and be the nice guys for the day. In the future, you won’t have to think, “I should have …” because you did. Think of it as a mitzvah – a good deed, an act of human kindness. Being generous of spirit will benefit all of you more than resentment will.

 

[truthful]

You have more then one issue going. The first issue was whether you should be concerned if you MIL is marrying for money. That is a seperate issue from the abuse she is using against her son.

I, too, have been in this situation. My mother spent my whole childhood telling me I was a slut and whore. And for the sake of my children, I finally had to break off contact with her.

But the wedding itself shouldn’t be an issue in whether your husband breaks off ties with his mom. If he decides to, it should be wholly about the abuse that he is suffering, not her upcoming marriage.

He is not cutting her completely out of his life because we would still like the kids to see her but we have set boundaries to limit the amount of stress and heartache.

True the main issue revolves around the abuse but there also is concern as to her reasons for marrying. He is not comfortable walking her down the aisle for many reasons but the abuse isn’t the main one. God bless