My mind is my worst enemy

[Fairvolk]

I understand that as a homosexual I must live a chaste life and I fully accept this. Being only 17 this, so far, has not posed much of a problem as I find building any type of relationship that involves a certain amount of trust very difficult. To allow someone close to me in a relationship sense would be very difficult for me though if they were the right person I could, no doubt, learn to trust. Though I feel no loss at not having a relationship I find it hard to repress my thoughts and urges. Perhaps it is because I am a teenager full of raging emotions, but my brain betrays even my most steadfast revolutions.

I won’t lie; I am a very flirtatious person. This is something I have only just realised after years of my friends calling me a flirt. I used to say I was being friendly and people misconstrue it as innuendo, and to some degree I still believe this as I flirt with both genders and people who I am not attracted to. However it is not my open flirtations but the filth that my mind creates in even the mildest situations that is the problem. My thoughts are in a constant state of homosexual tension, I would not go as far to say I lust after every member of the same sex, of course not. But in most I will find something pleasing, and even if I do not find anything at all pleasing I still catch myself looking! At night it is a constant battle to keep my hands away from mortal sin (since discovering that masturbation is a mortal sin, that was not a pleasant revelation) and even when my conscious thoughts or actions are under control my sub-conscious still manages to taunt me by conjuring vivid dreams that leave me sweaty and gasping.

How can I possibly control my urges when they are deep rooted into my very being, disrupting even my subconscious?

When I first started to come to terms with my sexuality I was sick and distraught with myself. I prayed and begged for god to make me ‘normal’. However since then I have come to terms with it and fully accepted who I am or, perhaps the phrase is, what I am. However as my body has become more aware of itself it is become increasingly hard to keep such thoughts at bay. Forget staring at people I don’t fancy! the people who I do find pleasing to the eye practically get drooled on and become the object of my dreams AND waking hours. I still have no urge for a relationship but the urge to touch someone and in turn be touched is insane! And the worst part is, it is wrong to even look!

I’m sorry I got a little ranty towards the end. I would like to hear some opinions on how I can control my thoughts.

Thank you

 

[RobNY]

Friend,

The human person acts in “habits.” Habits can be formed and can be broken. And, with the aid of grace, bad habits (vices) can be broken more effectively, and good habits (virtues) can be created, with supernatural habits built on top of those.

If you are like most young men in contemporary society, then you’ve had years of bad habits building up. Not only bad habits in terms of body, but also in terms of mental habits.

Prayer is a habit of the heart and mind. I highly recommend rereading the epistles of St. Paul and seeing what wonderful things he has to say on prayer and the Christian life.

In short, by living a life of prayer, we learn to set our minds and hearts on the imperishable things of heaven. This is necessarily at odds with lust. Each one necessarily crowds the other out. In the words of St. Alphonsus Liguouri it is impossible that one who perseveres in mental prayer should also persevere in sin. He must stop one or the other.

And slowly, if you apply yourself to regular mental prayer (pray the rosary every day, I’m not kidding-- and take your time with it), and regular confession (every week, if you’re in mortal sin is a good idea), and regular reception of the Eucharist-- you will be transformed. I’m not promising it won’t be hell to live through, but I’m promising God will give you the grace to do it.

What you need to do is accept the gospel fully and joyously.

Do you know that you are called to be a saint? I don’t mean anything short of perfect, selfless love of God, or complete, brilliant transformation into the very image of Jesus Christ. Remember St. John who says that we will be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. And Jesus promises that sparkling rivers of “running waters” will flow through the heart of the believer-- the Holy Spirit will make the life of the believer a life of joy and peace. It really is the most awesome life you could possibly lead and the most fulfilling.

What you need to do first is to reject your sin utterly. I know it seems so fun and fulfilling. No one denies that it may be pleasurable. But it certainly does not really satisfy or fulfill us.

We are often weighted down by our sins when refuse to really reject them. When we hold on to them, saying to ourselves, “oh, if only it were lawful to do these things, then I would… but I can’t because they are unlawful.” St. Francis de Sales has a beautiful passage on this. Please read it. Looking back longingly at the sins of our past life will only keep us mired in a middle ground, where we are too scared to slip back into our sins, and too desirous of our old sins to ever really leave them-- and so we’ll just keep slipping back in again and again.

The only way to reliably stop walking that dangerous line is to aim for complete holiness, ultimately. And we need to do that by rejecting even our desire to have the unlawful thing if we could.

Be determined and consistent. And pray. God is merciful and gracious.

Start orienting your spiritual life first in your life and center your spiritual life on desiring intimate union with Jesus Christ. Nothing but intimacy with the Lord will give you enough motivation to go through difficult self-purification. Without Him at the end, it will all seem pointless. Seek a deep relationship with Him. It’s there for the offering.

God bless,

Rob

 

[baltobetsy]

Good resources for you at this site.

God bless you for trying so hard.

Betsy

 

[chrisb]

Grace and Peace,

I humbly stand with you brother. I too am my own worst enemy. The devil simply stands by and laughs at me unfortunately. I pray that I gain in vigor to fight the good fight and run the race to the end.

Thanks for your post. God Bless.