My Mixed Marriage

[Maria1212]

Disclaimer–this is my opinion. lol

I think if I were still single, I would only marry someone who is non Catholic, if he assured me he’s at least explore the Catholic faith. I would not make promises about exploring his religion, because I know I will never convert out of my faith. I love my faith…and believe it to be the faith Jesus intended for us all. So, it would be made crystal clear that I would plan on practicing my faith…and that I’d like him to join. I don’t think I would accept marrying a non Catholic if he was hazy on what his intentions towards the Catholic Church is.

I’m glad I bumped into a cradle Catholic, and we fell in love. Whew.

Joining RCIA to learn more about our faith sounds like a good prerequisite! My friend joined RCIA to learn more about her fiances faith and decided to convert. She didnt do it for him, she did it because she felt God calling her to covert (by the end of the class).

RCIA is a great way for a potential spouse to learn more about our faith because it is a great way to learn, but does not mean you have “decided” to convert.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[Alix1912]

I guess this is an agree to disagree. I find my husband to be my ideal mate. Neither of us are perfect, but I cannot imagine being married to anyone else. I would not love him more or find him a better fit if he were Lutheran. His Catholic Heritage is part of him, and makes him who he is.

I don’t think our marriage is “Less” than ideal because of a difference in denominations. So many treat this like we were completely opposite religions. We aren’t we are different denominations.

I sincerely hope that all your kids fall into that ever declining percentage of Catholics who marry other catholics. I know I would be crushed if my mother told me that my marriage was “lesser” because it was mixed.

 

[rolltidefan]

whatevergirl…you are a WISE WISE WISE lady. You are a Catholic that the faith and your fellow Catholics should look up to and should be very proud of and also try to follow in your example of a Christ like spirit. You are a lady of integrity. You have spoken what you believe in love and truth to what you believe and I tip my hat off to you.

I 100% agree with you. It saddens me that my husband and I are very much in love, but we are still not united in our faiths. And I think sometimes it is seen as I am disrespecting him or he is disrepecting me because neither will convert. However, we both believe so strongly in what we believe in. So we have no other option, but to do what we are doing and I can tell you now divorce is not an option, no matter what. Been there done that and I thought the first was for life, but curve balls come and sometimes you are left with a divorce that you don’t want. When I said my vows with my husband now, I meant every word of them, however, I do have to keep in mind that we all are dealing with freewill people in these vows and that is not always guaranteed that they are not going to run. Which is why we all need to remember that just because someone is divorced, it doesn’t mean they asked for it or they wanted it. I wish my husband and I were united. We are united in everything else, but it is a strain and one I wish that I had known about beforehand. I cannot imagine my life without my husband, but I would have learned a little more than I did about the vast differences in the churches.

Again, I agree with you 100% and you are an amazing example of what God meant about love.

 

[whatevergirl]

I guess this is an agree to disagree. I find my husband to be my ideal mate. Neither of us are perfect, but I cannot imagine being married to anyone else. I would not love him more or find him a better fit if he were Lutheran. His Catholic Heritage is part of him, and makes him who he is.

I don’t think our marriage is “Less” than ideal because of a difference in denominations. So many treat this like we were completely opposite religions. We aren’t we are different denominations.

I sincerely hope that all your kids fall into that ever declining percentage of Catholics who marry other catholics. I know I would be crushed if my mother told me that my marriage was “lesser” because it was mixed.

who said your marriage is lesser? no one here has said that. a marriage with two differing faiths though, is not united though in faith. you could be united in all other ways…but a marriage that is has two different faiths–even if the denoms are differing–is not united in faith. the marriage isn’t lesser than, just not united in faith.

if you are Lutheran and your husband is Catholic…you can’t be united in faith. But, I understand your thoughts.

 

[whatevergirl]

forgive my typos i’m doing something else while typing to you all.

 

[whatevergirl]

whatevergirl…you are a WISE WISE WISE lady. You are a Catholic that the faith and your fellow Catholics should look up to and should be very proud of and also try to follow in your example of a Christ like spirit. You are a lady of integrity. You have spoken what you believe in love and truth to what you believe and I tip my hat off to you.

I 100% agree with you. It saddens me that my husband and I are very much in love, but we are still not united in our faiths. And I think sometimes it is seen as I am disrespecting him or he is disrepecting me because neither will convert. However, we both believe so strongly in what we believe in. So we have no other option, but to do what we are doing and I can tell you now divorce is not an option, no matter what. Been there done that and I thought the first was for life, but curve balls come and sometimes you are left with a divorce that you don’t want. When I said my vows with my husband now, I meant every word of them, however, I do have to keep in mind that we all are dealing with freewill people in these vows and that is not always guaranteed that they are not going to run. Which is why we all need to remember that just because someone is divorced, it doesn’t mean they asked for it or they wanted it. I wish my husband and I were united. We are united in everything else, but it is a strain and one I wish that I had known about beforehand. I cannot imagine my life without my husband, but I would have learned a little more than I did about the vast differences in the churches.

Again, I agree with you 100% and you are an amazing example of what God meant about love.

Aw–thank you!! I have learned a lot through this thread. I know this is not an easy topic. I dated more non Catholics than Catholics before my husband…but, knew in my heart that I could only marry a Catholic–because I wanted to be united on that front. I wanted more than love between my spouse and me…I wanted to be on the same page with our love and worship for God.

Now…God can use mixed marriages in a myriad of ways…hey, more witnessing for Catholics. I think it’s unfortunate that so many Catholics are negating the beauty of our non Catholic brothers and sisters. No one is lesser than. But, the Catholic faith is the ‘fullness of the Christian faith.’ I don’t view other denoms as lesser than, but they are not the fullness of faith. Now, many Catholics get trapped in the rules…and rules only. And project a negative outlook about Catholicism to those exploring. But, know that the Catholic faith is really the fullness of the Christian faith.

You hit the nail on the head…too! You both love one another…and my gosh, two people can love one another despite differences in their faiths…but, to be united in faith. It’s like nothing else. I encourage everyone to get on the same page with their faiths…it makes your marriage something beyond your wildest dreams. Don’t take my word for it–take God’s word for it.

God bless…((hugs)) to you!!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

whatevergirl…you are a WISE WISE WISE lady. You are a Catholic that the faith and your fellow Catholics should look up to and should be very proud of and also try to follow in your example of a Christ like spirit. You are a lady of integrity. You have spoken what you believe in love and truth to what you believe and I tip my hat off to you.

**
Yes she is… from now on when i want to express and opinion I’ll ask Whatevergirl to do it for me. She said everything I was trying to:shrug:**

 

[Maria1212]

Aw–thank you!! I have learned a lot through this thread. I know this is not an easy topic. I dated more non Catholics than Catholics before my husband…but, knew in my heart that I could only marry a Catholic–because I wanted to be united on that front. I wanted more than love between my spouse and me…I wanted to be on the same page with our love and worship for God.

Now…God can use mixed marriages in a myriad of ways…hey, more witnessing for Catholics. I think it’s unfortunate that so many Catholics are negating the beauty of our non Catholic brothers and sisters. No one is lesser than. But, the Catholic faith is the ‘fullness of the Christian faith.’ I don’t view other denoms as lesser than, but they are not the fullness of faith. Now, many Catholics get trapped in the rules…and rules only. And project a negative outlook about Catholicism to those exploring. But, know that the Catholic faith is really the fullness of the Christian faith.

You hit the nail on the head…too! You both love one another…and my gosh, two people can love one another despite differences in their faiths…but, to be united in faith. It’s like nothing else. I encourage everyone to get on the same page with their faiths…it makes your marriage something beyond your wildest dreams. Don’t take my word for it–take God’s word for it.

God bless…((hugs)) to you!!

I couldn`t have said it better myself!

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[a_cermak]

I do find it amusing how some posters here are talking about how different Catholicism is to say Lutheranism or Episcopalianism. Those denoms are mighty darned close to one another. Many Episcopalians belong to parishes that have 7 Sacraments, that believe in the Real Presence and have the Sacrarium to prove it, that celebrate the very same Saints days as a Catholic parish, etc. Lutherans aren’t that high of a church, depending on the synod, but they do believe in a form of the Real Presence (though without the transubstantiation rationalization). These are not radically opposed faiths! I can, indeed, imagine much more strife between someone who believed the Catholic church was wicked like the AoG and a Catholic, or a Mormon and a Catholic (or well, really any non-Mormon).

I don’t feel any loss at not having my partner go to Temple with me. He doesn’t go with me when I go running either, or engage in other things that interest me and not him. I don’t go to the barber with him, either. Certainly my faith is more than a hobby, it forms the basis of my system of ethics that governs my life, but my partner has a pretty close system of ethics, too and that’s probably part of what makes are union work.

 

[kamz]

Hello
I have not posted for a long time. I needed to take a break but I do check in now and again.
Well, today I checked in and this thread has been calling to me

In March my hubby and I will be celebrating 16 years of marriage

When we married I was Catholic and dh was Lutheran (LCMS) we promised that all future children would be raised Catholic etc.

Well, for us (and this is just for my life) it was very difficult to take small kids to Mass on my own and dh was at that time not at all interested in coming to Mass with me. I tried going with dh as well as going to Mass, that was a whole lot of church for small kids in a day and as our kids started to age… they got really confused, so I nixed that as well.

I seriously considered leaving the Catholic church just to give my kids what I had growing up “two parents who went to the same church” but, after going to many Bible studies with my dh I was very discouraged over how the people in his church felt towards Catholics, I just didn’t have a good feeling.

Nine years ago, I recommitted myself to the Catholic church and I went to R.C.I.A. classes to help me learn more about my own faith… wow… let me tell you… that made all the difference for me and I became on fire for my faith.

Well, as time went on I gave it to God, I told him that it was not in my control if dh was going to be Catholic or not but if it was in God’s will then I would leave it to God to show dh the way.

Three years ago dh stopped going to his Lutheran church ( all on his own) he began coming to Mass with me and the kids. I kept my mouth shut and just prayed like crazy!!

Last September my dh joined the R.C.I.A. program (again, no prompting from me) and at the end of April 08 my dh became a member of the Catholic church

All I can say is that I never understood what I was missing or what my kids were missing until my dh became Catholic… my gosh, our marriage was good before but it has become better

We are now sharing every single aspect of our lives together and it is awesome!!

I am still on cloud nine since dh joined the church… he is so on fire for the Catholic church… it is so exciting and our kids have noticed as well.

I have to admit, it was not easy having a mixed marriage and I do Pray that my own kids will find a Catholic spouse or one who will become Catholic, I’m not saying it can’t or won’t work, but life is hard enough and marriage (especially in those early years) can be difficult enough without adding extra stress to the marriage.

One thing for us was always clear, the kids would be Catholic and there would be no going to both churches and then letting them choose at some point what they wanted. I want my kids to be Catholic and to remain Catholic, might they as adults become a different faith? Yes, they might but I won’t be the one saying to them “its up to you and its o.k. with me if you leave the Catholic church”
I would be hurt and crushed and would pray until the day I died that they would return home to the one true church. (But that is just me)

Anyways, I have to chime in that I think whatevergirl said it very well and I’m in agreement with her.

Blessings

 

[Maria1212]

Hello
I have not posted for a long time. I needed to take a break but I do check in now and again.
Well, today I checked in and this thread has been calling to me

In March my hubby and I will be celebrating 16 years of marriage

When we married I was Catholic and dh was Lutheran (LCMS) we promised that all future children would be raised Catholic etc.

Well, for us (and this is just for my life) it was very difficult to take small kids to Mass on my own and dh was at that time not at all interested in coming to Mass with me. I tried going with dh as well as going to Mass, that was a whole lot of church for small kids in a day and as our kids started to age… they got really confused, so I nixed that as well.

I seriously considered leaving the Catholic church just to give my kids what I had growing up “two parents who went to the same church” but, after going to many Bible studies with my dh I was very discouraged over how the people in his church felt towards Catholics, I just didn’t have a good feeling.

Nine years ago, I recommitted myself to the Catholic church and I went to R.C.I.A. classes to help me learn more about my own faith… wow… let me tell you… that made all the difference for me and I became on fire for my faith.

Well, as time went on I gave it to God, I told him that it was not in my control if dh was going to be Catholic or not but if it was in God’s will then I would leave it to God to show dh the way.

Three years ago dh stopped going to his Lutheran church ( all on his own) he began coming to Mass with me and the kids. I kept my mouth shut and just prayed like crazy!!

Last September my dh joined the R.C.I.A. program (again, no prompting from me) and at the end of April 08 my dh became a member of the Catholic church

All I can say is that I never understood what I was missing or what my kids were missing until my dh became Catholic… my gosh, our marriage was good before but it has become better

We are now sharing every single aspect of our lives together and it is awesome!!

I am still on cloud nine since dh joined the church… he is so on fire for the Catholic church… it is so exciting and our kids have noticed as well.

I have to admit, it was not easy having a mixed marriage and I do Pray that my own kids will find a Catholic spouse or one who will become Catholic, I’m not saying it can’t or won’t work, but life is hard enough and marriage (especially in those early years) can be difficult enough without adding extra stress to the marriage.

One thing for us was always clear, the kids would be Catholic and there would be no going to both churches and then letting them choose at some point what they wanted. I want my kids to be Catholic and to remain Catholic, might they as adults become a different faith? Yes, they might but I won’t be the one saying to them “its up to you and its o.k. with me if you leave the Catholic church”
I would be hurt and crushed and would pray until the day I died that they would return home to the one true church. (But that is just me)

Anyways, I have to chime in that I think whatevergirl said it very well and I’m in agreement with her.

Blessings

Thank you for sharing your story. It was beautifully written and very inspiring. And congratulations to you and your husband!

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[rolltidefan]

You all have brought up some very interesting points and it so good that we all have shared our personal experiences with our faith…No matter which side we are on. Thank you all for sharing your lives.

a_cermak…not sure if you are referring to the Assesmblies of God when you refer to AoG. But, I go to a church closely related to them which is the Church of God and also attended an AoG when I was younger, but I can tell you that I have never heard anybody say anything wicked about the Catholic church in my church. In fact, it has been right opposite. As my husband goes to church with me and we also just had 3 former Catholics join my church. Maybe some of them do this, but it has never been the case for me that I have seen.

Whatevergirl…you know I love ya and you are the best!!! lol, but I do have to say something…I believe the church I am going to is also in the fullness of Christ. So just a difference of opinion there. Also, I have to joke with you about this, but I also look at it as witnessing to my husband! lol Not that he is not a Christian man, because he is and my main goal is that he love God with all his heart and that he is. But you are right, he is probably praying for me to convert to Catholisim as much as I am praying he converts to my faith, so that we can be more united. Again, you have been wonderful. So helpful. There is alot to learned from you.

Finally to Alix1912…I don’t think whatevergirl is at all saying you and your husband’s marriage is less. I think there have been some on here to make such statement and mean it, but not whatevergirl. What I get her to be saying is, it is better if we as a marriage are united in our faith. But, I do understand where you are coming from on feeling lesser, because there are some here that believe that and have stated such. I think you just have to take what you can use for yourself and apply it and then take what some people say and toss it out with the garbage because not all on here are bad people looking to get us protestants or mixed marriages. Just like all protestants are not teaching Catholics are wicked.

Just my 2 cents again.

 

[whatevergirl]

You guys are so sweet. I sometimes go through threads with thoughts, but don’t post them…but I felt that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me today, to speak up…that the most important thing to take away from any of these types of discussions is to encourage people to be united in their faith. I have these conversations (repeatedly but not to the point of nagging lol) with my kids right now. They are young, but the day will come when they will be searching for a spouse…and I have taught them that if your Catholic faith is important to you…you will want to share that with your spouse. You will want your spouse to celebrate and worship with you–to be walking side by side in unity on this front. That is really what I was trying to say. Whether you’re Jewish, Catholic, Protestant…working towards unity within a marriage is key to having a healthy, long lasting relationship. I mean, yes, many marriages ‘work’ and have love…but I can’t help but think that there will be something very valuable missing from a marriage, if two people are not united in faith. Now, I wasn’t always as devout as I am now, neither was my husband. Being a cradle Catholic doesn’t mean you are devout. But, I always knew that I would want my spouse to share in this with me…and TOGETHER, we have taught each other, and supported one another, through some trying learning moments on the Catholic faith. There have been times when my husband wanted to depart from the faith–how easy it could have been for him, had he been married to a non Catholic. So, therein lies my point. I just don’t talk to talk. lol I really do want the very best for all of you with your marriages. Marriage has so much going against it in this culture…standing united in faith is a great way to fight off temptations and evil, and to forge a better future together.

Just my two cents again. And thank you for the kind words…you guys are the best. You make me smile.:grouphug:

 

[marci]

I posted early on in this thread and I have read all of the posting thus far. I just wanted to say that mixed marriages can work, but they add a difficutly to an already difficult vocation. Particularly if both are committed to their own faiths. In my circumstance my husband is basically a non-practicing baptist so all responsibilities of bringing our children up in ANY faith have fallen on my shoulders. To some extent that has made things easier on me as the catholic, because I don’t have to deal with confusing my children by teaching them about both faiths, however selfish that may be.

There are just two things I want to point out. First, I want so badly for my husband and I to be able to share in the “fullness of truth” that could be. I want us to be able to share in the Eucharist, family prayer, novenas, the rosary, etc. I want so badly to have a strong supporter in my corner when it comes to the kids and the enevitable questions that will come up when my kids reach their teenage years. It is very difficult to teach my kids to turn away from the world and live their faith when I am the only parent trying to do so. I haven’t given up hope, however. I pray at every mass during the Consecration that God will touch my husband’s heart and open him to conversion. I know that some day God will grant this prayer. Until then, I will do what I have to do to fulfill the promise I made with reguards to bringing my children up in the faith.

Which brings me to number two. It is not enough for me to say that I will make sure they go to catechism and receive the sacraments and then let them decide. As someone stated earlier, Confirmation is not just about becoming an adult and then deciding what to be as if they’re turning 18 and deciding who to vote for. Confirmation is receiving the gifts of the Holy Spirt so that we may become Defenders of the Faith. It is very wrong thinking to say that this is the time when we can finally “decide for ourselves” whether we want to LEAVE the faith.

As far as taking children to both services, parents are just laying the ground work for their children to choose. Not to mention the fact that the catholic does not fulfill the Sunday obligation by going to another church. They would have to also go to either a Saturday Evening Vigil Mass, or would have to fit in a Sunday Mass to meet the obligation. If this isn’t being done, they would need to go to Confession before they receive the Eucharist.

In our situation, my husband always know we would never attend both churches because from the get go I laid down the law. Before we were even married he knew there would be NO compromise in this area. It has been a cause for strife on a few occasions, albeit more to “get my goat” then on principal.
This has been something that has been worked out, but only because I never allowed myself to fall into becoming lax about my faith. It has been tough, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I pray that God will reward my faithfullness by bringing my husband to the fullness of truth.

All of this may sound very callous to some, but God demands that He comes first, and if we keep Him formost in our lives everything else will come to us.

“The seed sown on the path is the one who hears the word of the kingdom without understanding it, and the evil one comes and steals away what was sown in his heart. The seed sown on rocky ground is the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy. But he has no root and lasts only for a time…
But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.” Matthew 13:19-23

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Sounds like my marriage!

 

[kamz]

Excellent post Marci, I will start praying that if God desires for your dh to join the Catholic church… it will happen.
Right now you are doing the right thing and being strong in your faith and not compromising, early on in our marriage when our oldest kids were really little, dh would try to get my goat or so it seemed by saying “we should take them to both your church and mine” well, we tried that and as they got older they got very confused and I said “nope” no more… we made a commitment to raise them Catholic and that is that and once he saw how strong I felt it never ever came up again.
I totally agree that if I took my kids (ages 5, 10, 13, 15) to a Mass and a Lutheran service… at these ages they would be very confused and also… they would start to question me why we were going to both etc. (teens are like that ya know )
To have kids go to two different churches is for sure laying the foundation for them to choose and if that is your intention… so be it… my intention has been that my kids will be Catholic and Nothing else and they will know that the Catholic church is the only church for us and that although other denominations can and will be in Heaven… this is the church that Jesus himself began (I’m sorry if others don’t want to hear this but hey, this is a Catholic board and I feel like I should be able to express how strongly I feel about my Catholic faith) anyways, how can a young adult at some point not have to make a choice? So, really, as a parent who has at baptism made a promise to raise your child as a Catholic, you just broke that promise… nowhere does it say in baptism that your raising them until the time they can choose to leave if they want? What??? When my child is an adult and leaves my home if they leave the Catholic faith… I will be crushed, devastated and will never tell them it’s “fine and dandy” I will love them no matter what and I will pray for them to come home to the one true church. My own sister left the Catholic church and we all pray for her to come home, we love her and I have an awesome relationship with her… but… I Pray daily she will come back home and I will never stop praying for this.
My kids are growing up knowing all of this and how I feel and now with my dh a Catholic our 15 yr old daughter has shared with both of us how awesome it is to have both her dad and mom Catholic… deep down it really bothered her that her dad wasn’t Catholic… but we never had any idea until she shared this when he joined the church.
Just keep on praying for your hubby and set the example. That is all I did with my dh, I prayed and I lead by example and I stopped speaking to him about any of it… when I left him with his own thoughts… that is when he had a total change… it has to be their choice or you’ll always wonder if they joined for themselves or for you.
Many Blessings

 

[mom2boyz]

I alway tell my sons that when you look for a wife find a nice Catholic girl who loves Jesus.

One day my 9 y/o says “Does she have to be Catholic?”

So I asked him which do you like better. When Daddy didn’t go to communion with us and sat in the pew or now that he does?

He replied that he likes it better now that Daddy goes to communion.

I said, "Well, if you marry a non Catholic girl, she will have to sit in the pew while you go to communion. Would you like that?’

His answer, “No, I want her to go to communion too.”

My reply was that was why you marry a Catholic girl.

Now that doesn’t mean mixed marriages are doomed. It means you don’t share one of the most important parts of your life with each other. There is a divide. These divides will show up in the most unexpected ways, because there are inherent differences. I’ve been married 19 1/2 years and always thought I had a strong marriage. Then troubles happened and what I found was the lack of commonality in this area made the rift harder to get over. This is not something I want for others and especially not for my children.

 

[kamz]

I alway tell my sons that when you look for a wife find a nice Catholic girl who loves Jesus.

One day my 9 y/o says “Does she have to be Catholic?”

So I asked him which do you like better. When Daddy didn’t go to communion with us and sat in the pew or now that he does?

He replied that he likes it better now that Daddy goes to communion.

I said, "Well, if you marry a non Catholic girl, she will have to sit in the pew while you go to communion. Would you like that?’

His answer, “No, I want her to go to communion too.”

My reply was that was why you marry a Catholic girl.

Now that doesn’t mean mixed marriages are doomed. It means you don’t share one of the most important parts of your life with each other. There is a divide. These divides will show up in the most unexpected ways, because there are inherent differences. I’ve been married 19 1/2 years and always thought I had a strong marriage. Then troubles happened and what I found was the lack of commonality in this area made the rift harder to get over. This is not something I want for others and especially not for my children.

What a fabulous post, thank you for sharing.
As I said, I didn’t know what I or my kids were really missing until my dh became Catholic and I had this “ah ha” moment.
And it just keeps getting better, my dh is so on fire for his faith that it has our family on fire… I look at my faith through his eyes and it is so exciting to see dh so excited… just gives me goose bumps

 

[Crazy_Diamond]

So often people here seem to say things about how its so important for the non catholic to understand the Catholic, but the other side is true as well.
2nd: All marriages need this kind of work.

Nice post. It doesn’t bother me any more that Catholics rarely mention the importance of understanding other traditions - it’s just part of their tradition. Very few of them think such understanding is important, other than as an aid to getting people to convert. I’ve come to just accept it, like relatives who believe that loving me means feeding me more long after I’m stuffed. It’s not a rejection of me. They truly don’t know any other way. Might as well accept it. We could have much more serious conflicts over much more important things.

 

[Catholic_Bob]

Good for you for saying it! My husband is Lutheran, and we do just fine and always have.

i appreciate your encouragement…I am considering marrying a devout Christian non Catholic…but she does not want to raise the children Catholic…do you have any experience with this? or advice! thank you

BOB