My Mixed Marriage

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So I’ve been wandering around CAF and I have a half rant/half FYI post. I’m a Protestant (Episcopal) girl who’s married to a Roman Catholic. I’ve read so many people here talking about how “mixed marriages” don’t work and some people even telling Catholics not to get married if the person isn’t Catholic. I want and need to say the following:
1st: Mixed marriages can and do work they just, like all marriages require work. Yes, my husband and I had to make sure we spoke about things like making sure our children will be Catholic, how to work the holidays etc. but it was and is good for us
1b: You have to be willing and open to understand where the other person is coming from. I understand fully that the Catholic person has to promise to try and raise the kids catholic and that the Catholic party has to go to Mass and all of the other “Catholic” things. However, that doesn’t mean that the other person does not have the same value put in their faith that the Catholic person does. It does not mean that the Catholic party’s faith is more important. So often people here seem to say things about how its so important for the non catholic to understand the Catholic, but the other side is true as well.
2nd: All marriages need this kind of work. Just because two people are Catholic does not mean they both place the same value on their faith. By not being Catholic I have been forced to understand my husband’s faith more deeply then two Catholics who are married tend to understand eachothers.
3rd: Its a respect thing. I really hate being told (as does my husband) that our marriage won’t work/God doesn’t like it etc because I’m not Catholic. Respect the couple’s choice to love eachother and be married
4th: God works through non Catholics. If the two people feel they are called to be married then God will be there with them and bless them Catholic or not and it is not our place to say otherwise

Lastly,
I know most people here have been lovely to others about mixed marriages, some have just come at it in a very mean way and I wanted to respond. My marriage, and other mixed marriages are not only valid in the eyes of the Church but are blessed, holy, God and love filled.
Thank you 🙂
 
Wonderboo said:
So I’ve been wandering around CAF and I have a half rant/half FYI post. I’m a Protestant (Episcopal) girl who’s married to a Roman Catholic. I’ve read so many people here talking about how “mixed marriages” don’t work and some people even telling Catholics not to get married if the person isn’t Catholic. I want and need to say the following:
1st: Mixed marriages can and do work they just, like all marriages require work. Yes, my husband and I had to make sure we spoke about things like making sure our children will be Catholic, how to work the holidays etc. but it was and is good for us
1b: You have to be willing and open to understand where the other person is coming from. I understand fully that the Catholic person has to promise to try and raise the kids catholic and that the Catholic party has to go to Mass and all of the other “Catholic” things. However, that doesn’t mean that the other person does not have the same value put in their faith that the Catholic person does. It does not mean that the Catholic party’s faith is more important. So often people here seem to say things about how its so important for the non catholic to understand the Catholic, but the other side is true as well.
2nd: All marriages need this kind of work. Just because two people are Catholic does not mean they both place the same value on their faith. By not being Catholic I have been forced to understand my husband’s faith more deeply then two Catholics who are married tend to understand eachothers.
3rd: Its a respect thing. I really hate being told (as does my husband) that our marriage won’t work/God doesn’t like it etc because I’m not Catholic. Respect the couple’s choice to love eachother and be married
4th: God works through non Catholics. If the two people feel they are called to be married then God will be there with them and bless them Catholic or not and it is not our place to say otherwise

Lastly,
I know most people here have been lovely to others about mixed marriages, some have just come at it in a very mean way and I wanted to respond. My marriage, and other mixed marriages are not only valid in the eyes of the Church but are blessed, holy, God and love filled.
Thank you 🙂
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M’am I’m sure all this is true, but in the end doesn’t a mixed marriage mean more hoops to jump through, more problems to solve and isn’t just a little less when the kids do not have BOTH parents to sit down with at Mass?
 
BamaRider said:
M’am I’m sure all this is true, but in the end doesn’t a mixed marriage mean more hoops to jump through, more problems to solve and isn’t just a little less when the kids do not have BOTH parents to sit down with at Mass?
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The hoops are more than worth it to fulfill one’s calling in life. 😃
 
I’m glad that you’re the exception to the rule. Listen to Catholic radio for a day, and you’ll be to your ears in sad stories about mixed marriages not working out. For the vast majority of folks, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
 
Great opening post, Wonderboo. I’m also Episcopalian married to a Roman Catholic woman. Yes, it requires work. Yes, it’s worth it.
 
mizznicole said:
I’m glad that you’re the exception to the rule. Listen to Catholic radio for a day, and you’ll be to your ears in sad stories about mixed marriages not working out. For the vast majority of folks, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
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Why? I know lots of Catholic marriages that don’t work out either. What is it about my not being Catholic that seems to doom my marriage? If anything, I think the amount of pre-marriage and marriage work that has to go into it makes it work better in the long run. Granted it assumes an openness and honesty in our marriage that some may not be comfortable with but thats not a Catholic thing thats a human thing (or something)
 
For the OP and post #5, would you rather have your children with you at the Episcopalian service or not? Or does it matter to you?
Why? I know lots of Catholic marriages that don’t work out either. What is it about my not being Catholic that seems to doom my marriage? If anything, I think the amount of pre-marriage and marriage work that has to go into it makes it work better in the long run. Granted it assumes an openness and honesty in our marriage that some may not be comfortable with but thats not a Catholic thing thats a human thing (or something)
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M’am nobody is saying your marriage is doomed, all we are saying there are more hurdles to get over. For sure there are many mixed marriages that are more stable then full Catholic, not arguing that.

What I’m saying is if all things are equal, in the eyes of a devout Catholic, the mixed marriage is a little less. I know how I’d feel if my wife and life partner did not attend Mass with me. How we feel about the Mass and Eurcharist is hard for a non Catholic to understand, it is who we are. If your partner loves his Faith and Church, you can bet he wishes you shared that feeling with him, whether he says it or not.

And that makes things just a little less.
 
BamaRider said:
For the OP and post #5, would you rather have your children with you at the Episcopalian service or not? Or does it matter to you?
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My husband and I both go to services with eachother and the kids come to both. The idea is that they will learn both faiths, receive their first Sacraments in the Catholic church and then when they are confirmed they will be allowed to choose. But thats just us. I want my children to have the best relationship with God they can. I know Catholics feel thats in the Catholic Church and if my children feel that way too then more power to 'em. Thats just us though.
 
BamaRider said:
For the OP and post #5, would you rather have your children with you at the Episcopalian service or not? Or does it matter to you?

M’am nobody is saying your marriage is doomed, all we are saying there are more hurdles to get over. For sure there are many mixed marriages that are more stable then full Catholic, not arguing that.

What I’m saying is if all things are equal, in the eyes of a devout Catholic, the mixed marriage is a little less. I know how I’d feel if my wife and life partner did not attend Mass with me. How we feel about the Mass and Eurcharist is hard for a non Catholic to understand, it is who we are. If your partner loves his Faith and Church, you can bet he wishes you shared that feeling with him, whether he says it or not.

And that makes things just a little less.
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I’m sure my husband wishes I were Catholic some days however he does not think our marriage is less because I am not Catholic. I attend Mass with my husband because it is important to US not just to him, that we go together, just like he comes to Church with me. The only time a marriage is less is if God is not a part of it (this isn’t just my view, its Your church’s view btw). Our marriage was in the Catholic church, is fully valid and we love eachtother.
 
I see Catholicism as a valid expression of Christianity, so I have no problem with my wife and son being Catholic. I go to mass with them almost every week. I go to an Episcopal church by myself when I can. I’d prefer to have them along, but I understand that they will not. Sure it’s not ideal, but I love my family and I wouldn’t change it. Are you married, 'Bama?
 
Wonderboo said:
My husband and I both go to services with eachother and the kids come to both. The idea is that they will learn both faiths, receive their first Sacraments in the Catholic church and then when they are confirmed they will be allowed to choose. But thats just us. I want my children to have the best relationship with God they can. I know Catholics feel thats in the Catholic Church and if my children feel that way too then more power to 'em. Thats just us though.
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You do realize that once your children receive the sacraments, should they decide to leave the catholic church, they are going to be living in a state of sin. Just because one decides to leave the church does not mean they are not still bound by the sacraments. Confession at least one a year, Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, these things still apply.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, He is protestant and it has been a VERY hard road to hoe. Don’t get me wrong, I love him very much and we have a good marriage, but their were times when I didn’t think we were going to make it. In fact, I have come to realize that my marriage is my cross. I have had to make a conscious decision to take it up and live my vocation as God intended. I also know that to try and live my vocation faithfully means that I can call upon God to grant us the Graces He promised us in this Covenant.

You must understand that as a faithful catholic, the thought of my children going to another church now, or leaving their catholic faith in the future, is absolutely devastating. I would spend the rest of my days praying that they would come back to the church. I think you will find that most faithful catholics feel the same way.

This is not to say that I somehow think I’m better then my husband, but that I take VERY seriously the covenant that we made with God. Part of that convenant ensures that our children will be raised in the faith. Not just go through the motions, but truely live Christ’s teaching on this earth. Not to mention the fact that I love my catholic faith. To take it away would be like cutting off one of my limbs, or worse. How I would fight to keep my children faithful to her!

I sincerely mean no disrespect, but in my opinion, you and your husband do not fully understand the promise you made on your wedding day, that being to raise your children in the faith. As agreeable as you are to allowing the children to receive the sacraments, the responsibility rests in the end, in the hands of your husband.
 
Are you married, 'Bama?
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Yes, 32 years.
I’d prefer to have them along, but I understand that they will not. Sure it’s not ideal,
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And YOUR quote here, is what I’d like for folks to know if they chose to go down this path. If they can live with that, then ok, if not, best not to go there. I just happen to be one of the latter.
 
Wonderboo, this is an absolutely lovely post.

I haven’t read any of the responses, but I am Catholic and have been trying to say the same thing.

Good for you for saying it! My husband is Lutheran, and we do just fine and always have.

I was glad to see your point of view. I agree that sometimes people in the Catholic community can get down on this, and it is quite a shame especially since it is becoming more and more common.

I stand by my repeated statements that the issue is not faith but morals…and two Catholics can have different morals just as often as anyone else.

So to my fellow Catholics, is it better for a devout Catholic to be married to a Cafeteria Catholic rather than a devout Christian from another denomination?

I say no. I would rather be married to a devout Lutheran than a Cafeteria Catholic any day. Talk about kids getting mixed messages about their faith! How would you explain “daddy says condoms are okay but mommy says the Church says no…but they are both Catholic.”
 
👍 Beautiful post, Wonderboo!

As a Catholic Christian married to a Lutheran Christian, it has been no more work than couples I know, including my parents, where both spouses are Catholic.

Then again, my hubby & I are the odd ducks who don’t feel that marriage and parenting is work. Being husband, wife, father, & mother are just added roles in our lives that we chose. So we can either embrace them, go with the flow, praying that we fulfill them to the best of our abilities, or we can turn it into work, which then leads eventually to negativity and harder moments than necessary.

Are there bumps, rough spots, days where you just want to be alone and not deal with certain things? Sure - it wouldn’t be normal if there weren’t. We simply choose to accept those, embrace them, and work together as Christians, not members of opposing teams. Denomination need not matter - we are both serving the same Lord. 🙂
 
I would like to say that, I think any marriage can work as long as two people have the same view and perspective.

So mix marriages can work as long as both have the same thinking and one person has to do a little bit more sacrifice. So for example, I knew a couple married for oh I don’t know 30 years or so and they seemed to have a happy life. She’s a non-practicing Catholic, and he’s a protestant of some sort. Why did their marriage work, well she could careless about her religion and so is he.

There’s also another mixed marriage that works, she’s an atheist and he is a catholic. Also married for decades, well the reason it works is he drift away and doesn’t care either.

Then there’s another couple, she was raised in a practicing or you can say “devout” catholic family. She attend mass every week, then she married her protestant husband. He doesn’t want to be catholic or attend mass with her, then somehow convinced her to question her faith. Then she eventually lost it and left the church.

Then there’s this couple both catholic, but sort of a cafeteria catholic, you know that one that go to mass every week but doesn’t know much of their faith. Decided to follow the culture and didn’t baptized their kids. They said let the kids decide when they grow up. Well, guess what the kids never enter the church, but the parents still go to church and they’re happy.

Then I there’s another catholic couple, both are catholic and attend mass every week and perform all the obligations. But they’re very unhappy. The reason is, faith was not the center of their life and they know little about with their faith is about.

So why am I saying this? Well, my point is as long as two people have the same values they’ll have a happy marriage. However, if you get a devout catholic with a non-catholic or non devout catholic for that matter it’ll be very difficult for the marriage to work. It is especially hard, if people of different faith have very strong view about their faith to come together I could almost guarantee it doesn’t work.

But, God Bless any marriages for it is sacred. No one hope that any marriage to fail. It is only a precaution to prevent marriages to fail as the church knows how difficult it is to make marriages work.
 
The wisest thing is to marry someone who shares your faith.

One thing to realize, many of those here who talk about the importance of shared faith are converts to Catholicism, we certainly do not think that non-Catholic Christians are bad people - heck, I’d be eliminating all of my extended family!! We have been part of mixed marriages, we know first hand what they are like.

Do marriages of mixed faith work? Sometimes.

Can the children become indifferent to religion, yes.

Glad that you are happy in your mixed marriage. I pray that your children stay in the faith.
 
Honey, I think you’re fine. I enjoyed your post. My family and I are ex-Episcopalians, and we all converted when my children were very young, so my situation was different from yours. I have seen families like your own, however, who seem to do just fine when they are respectful of each others views. You have the advantage of belonging to a liturgical church, so the manner itself of Catholic worship is not so very different from your own.

I know a lovely, young couple at our church who had a marriage exactly like yours. When the children started coming, she converted. (Don’t be surprised 😉 ) They have since been transferred, but for several years they taught NFP at our Church through the Couple to Couple League.

God Bless you!
 
Wonderboo said:
1st: Mixed marriages can and do work they just, like all marriages require work. Yes, my husband and I had to make sure we spoke about things like making sure our children will be Catholic, how to work the holidays etc. but it was and is good for us
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Certainly those who have chosen this path must make it “work.” But, one must define what one means by “making it work.” In many cases that involves compromises that really are not acceptable-- such as raising the kids as “both” or “letting them decide.”

There is a huge difference between someone who has already married and someone who is not yet married. When people come here asking for advice regarding their non-Catholic boy/girl friend, most of us tell them what the Church teaches: Mixed marriage is perilous, the Church discourages it (but allows it for those who persist), and if they choose to pursue it they need to ensure agreement on areas such as raising the children Catholic, contraception, etc. And, agreement before marriage does not always mean that the other person will keep their agreement later.

That your marriage is strong is a testament to your committment. But, that does not mean we should recommend marrying outside the faith to others.
Wonderboo said:
2nd: All marriages need this kind of work. Just because two people are Catholic does not mean they both place the same value on their faith. By not being Catholic I have been forced to understand my husband’s faith more deeply then two Catholics who are married tend to understand eachothers.
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You misunderstand those of us who are against mixed marriages if you believe we mean that all you need is to be Catholic. I would no more recommend someone marry a non-practicing/lukewarm/cultural Catholic than I would a non-Catholic or non-Christian. It is important not only to share the same faith, but to practice it and be equally devout.

This also goes for non-Catholics. I think you overlook the fact that equal practice of faith should be important for two Baptists, Jews, or atheists (or any other religion). I would not recommend a Baptist marry a Lutheran or a practicing Jew marry a Christian or an atheist marry a devout anything. Practicing UNIFIED faith in the household is important, no matter what faith that may be.

BTW, I was born and raised Episcopalian and when I was a young 20-something Episcopalian in college and after, I did not date outside of my faith either. I became aware of my deep disagreement with EC doctrines, and became a Catholic at age 25, and did not date non-Catholics after that point.
Wonderboo said:
3rd: Its a respect thing. I really hate being told (as does my husband) that our marriage won’t work/God doesn’t like it etc because I’m not Catholic. Respect the couple’s choice to love eachother and be married
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Again, for those already married of course you can “make it work” and of course you should be supported by your faith communities in doing so.

But, again, what does “making it work” entail? In your case I see it means letting the kids “choose” and taking them to both Churches. That is against what the Catholic Church teaches. So, in order to “make it work” your spouse has compromised a core teaching of his faith.

There are many of us unwilling to do so, and therefore we advise others not to do so. That doesn’t mean they have to take our advice-- but we would be remiss in not giving it.
Wonderboo said:
4th: God works through non Catholics. If the two people feel they are called to be married then God will be there with them and bless them Catholic or not and it is not our place to say otherwise
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Some people want so badly to believe that God is “calling” them to marry a non-Catholic because they are just soooo “in love” and they complete ignore the many issues involved-- even after posting all the issues they ignore responses because they are soooo “in love.” It’s not always God calling them to marry this person but their own desires. God may have chosen someone else for them. But, once they marry, then certainly God will give them grace.

Of course it is our place to point out issues when they come asking. They are free to take our advice or not. But, again, if someone asks I am going to tell them my opinion b/c to do otherwise would be on MY conscience.
Wonderboo said:
I know most people here have been lovely to others about mixed marriages, some have just come at it in a very mean way and I wanted to respond. My marriage, and other mixed marriages are not only valid in the eyes of the Church but are blessed, holy, God and love filled.
Thank you 🙂
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It is likely very difficult for you to read posts where Catholics discourage mixed marriage. But, you must remember it’s not a personal indictment against YOU. I’m sure you are a lovely person who loves God and loves her husband. But, mixed marriage is problematic-- in general– and it would be wrong to pretend it is not so.
 
1ke said:
Certainly those who have chosen this path must make it “work.” But, one must define what one means by “making it work.” In many cases that involves compromises that really are not acceptable-- such as raising the kids as “both” or “letting them decide.”

There is a huge difference between someone who has already married and someone who is not yet married. When people come here asking for advice regarding their non-Catholic boy/girl friend, most of us tell them what the Church teaches: Mixed marriage is perilous, the Church discourages it (but allows it for those who persist), and if they choose to pursue it they need to ensure agreement on areas such as raising the children Catholic, contraception, etc. And, agreement before marriage does not always mean that the other person will keep their agreement later.

That your marriage is strong is a testament to your committment. But, that does not mean we should recommend marrying outside the faith to others.

You misunderstand those of us who are against mixed marriages if you believe we mean that all you need is to be Catholic. I would no more recommend someone marry a non-practicing/lukewarm/cultural Catholic than I would a non-Catholic or non-Christian. It is important not only to share the same faith, but to practice it and be equally devout.

This also goes for non-Catholics. I think you overlook the fact that equal practice of faith should be important for two Baptists, Jews, or atheists (or any other religion). I would not recommend a Baptist marry a Lutheran or a practicing Jew marry a Christian or an atheist marry a devout anything. Practicing UNIFIED faith in the household is important, no matter what faith that may be.

BTW, I was born and raised Episcopalian and when I was a young 20-something Episcopalian in college and after, I did not date outside of my faith either. I became aware of my deep disagreement with EC doctrines, and became a Catholic at age 25, and did not date non-Catholics after that point.

Again, for those already married of course you can “make it work” and of course you should be supported by your faith communities in doing so.

But, again, what does “making it work” entail? In your case I see it means letting the kids “choose” and taking them to both Churches. That is against what the Catholic Church teaches. So, in order to “make it work” your spouse has compromised a core teaching of his faith.

There are many of us unwilling to do so, and therefore we advise others not to do so. That doesn’t mean they have to take our advice-- but we would be remiss in not giving it.

Some people want so badly to believe that God is “calling” them to marry a non-Catholic because they are just soooo “in love” and they complete ignore the many issues involved-- even after posting all the issues they ignore responses because they are soooo “in love.” It’s not always God calling them to marry this person but their own desires. God may have chosen someone else for them. But, once they marry, then certainly God will give them grace.

Of course it is our place to point out issues when they come asking. They are free to take our advice or not. But, again, if someone asks I am going to tell them my opinion b/c to do otherwise would be on MY conscience.

It is likely very difficult for you to read posts where Catholics discourage mixed marriage. But, you must remember it’s not a personal indictment against YOU. I’m sure you are a lovely person who loves God and loves her husband. But, mixed marriage is problematic-- in general– and it would be wrong to pretend it is not so.
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**100% agree

My marriage started out as mixed and is now shared (faith). Experiencing both sides has helped me to understand just what “those people” were warning me against…**
 
Ya know. Maybe I’m lucky. Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I am just married to the best Lutheran in the world. I know we haven’t been married long, but we’ve been together for a number of years.

The priests [two of them - one here in ATL one where we were married] never discouraged our marriage because Nathan is Lutheran. They never told us it wasn’t okay. We didn’t demand anything. We showed up. Immediately told the priests Nathan was Lutheran and he said and I quote “As long as he is baptized Lutheran we are good to go.” They reached out and asked Nathan if he had any questions. They treated us no differently than any of my Catholic couple friends.

We sat through Pre-Cana with 40 other couples - some in mixed marriages, some where both parties were Catholic. They talked about mixed marriages for about an hour. No one ever said they weren’t okay. They said that the Church embraces everyone. The couple that gave the section of pre-cana on the topic had been married for 50 years. Never had any problems. He was a Southern Baptist. She was Catholic.

Unfortunately I think there is a lot of overgeneralization of mixed marriages. My goodness, I know more Catholics couples with problems than I do people in mixed marriages. Maybe it is because I know more Catholic couples…who knows?

I do have to say that every time I open one of these threads to give advice which I try to always do it almost brings me to tears how quickly people will say mixed marriages don’t work.

I want proof that they are any less happy or problematic than same faith marriages. Once I see that proof I’ll believe it. Because I don’t think there is as big of a difference as people often want others to believe. You show me one happy Catholic couple, and I wil show you one happy Catholic married to a Protestant.

I stand by my earlier statement that I would rather be married to a devout Lutheran than a Cafeteria Catholic any day. How do you explain when people think differently and claim to be the same faith? Tell me how you address that with kids. Plus, it is a severe overstatement to say that mixed marriages often let the kids decide. I don’t know a single couple in a mixed marriage that has said that. There are some CATHOLIC parents that do that.

What is going on here is that we are assuming two Catholics will be better parents, better spouses, etc, when really that is not the case. Two Catholics can be just as good of spouses as any two religious people.

I am sorry I sound upset but I am. It is a shame that people can be so quick to judge those of us that marry outside the faith when there are a million people who are Catholic whose marriages are in bad shape…but at least they are married to a Catholic so that makes it better. I’m pretty sure my grandparents who were married for 70 years did just fine with one Baptist and one Catholic. Both practiced their faith. Then I have my Catholic aunt and my Catholic uncle. Both practicing. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. It can happen to anyone.

Marrying a Protestant doesn’t immediately give you any less of a chance of succeeding your marriage than anyone else.

Again I am sorry this is pretty harsh. It is just really frustrating.
 
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