My mom gives me terrible guilt

[gra]

Mom lives in Europe and I have been in US for 44 years. We visited during all our vacations every year at least once, since retirement twice a year for 1 month each. My brother looked after my mom and she was very demanding, requiring that he do everything, cleaning, cooking, doctor visits etc. His marriage suffered. He died early this year and I had to put mom in a nursing home. It is a good place and she has no complaints about care. I still go home twice a year and call every other day. However that is not good enough and she let’s me know how selfish a daughter I am, she took care of her mother, etc. My husband and I are around 70,husband going through medical issues. I am close to despair and praying God may help her be more happy. What can I do?

 

[CRV]

I feel for you. And I’m sorry you are going through all of this too. From what you’ve written, you’ve done a whole lot more than what a lot of other people would do (for various reasons).

Don’t beat yourself up about it. I suggest having a Mass offered for her, to be a peace, for God to console her, to uplift her.

For yourself, all you can do is listen, be understanding, be supportive to her when she makes these complaints. But don’t let it get under your skin!

The older generations, this is what happened. Even my grandmother spent time with various of her children, sometimes for months at a time. It was a strain on all of them. But in their generation that’s just what happened - family looked after family until they passed. Now it is different.

You are in a different country to your mother, there’s the cost of flights/accommodation/meals/travel costs in getting around - all of which you do twice a year! And then there is the frequent phone calls - not local but international.

I wonder if it may not be complaint of care, as you say she has no complaints regarding her care, so I think she is lonely and longing for family to be close - to visit more frequently. There is nothing more you can do, but what I have already suggested above. It is hard when a person is having difficulty accepting a situation when it is not of their choosing or how they wish it to be.

Prayers for you and your mother and the situation.

 

[BartholomewB]

You seem to be doing everything you can for her. She is being unreasonable, as far as I can tell from your post. I don’t know the answer to overcoming your guilt feelings, but have you spoken to a priest about it? To a psychologist? It would surely be helpful if you can convince yourself that you’re already doing the right thing, because I think you are.
.

 

[Annie]

This must be very difficult for you. And your mother is also suffering.

But your state of life is that of wife, and a certain amount of your mother’s suffering is self-imposed. You know that she is in good hands: it’s not like she is destitute and you are refusing to care for her.

A trick you might try is to be enthusiastic and engaged when she doesn’t complain, and rather distant when she does. I know this may sound mean, but we often do more of what we are rewarded for, so if you pay more attention when she complains and less when she tells you about the story Mrs So and So told her about her niece’s brother in law, then you will get more complaining and fewer stories.

My mother just really wants to hear and tell stories and be able to give advice sometimes. It took me a while to figure that out.

Is there any way you and she could Skype? She might like that better. I actually Skyped someone when they were at a very fancy restaurant wa il ting for a table, and he “showed me all around the place.” It was fun; so that might be an added element to Skype or WhatsApp. If she is in China, you could use WeChat.

 

[snarflemike]

The minute she starts with the negativity and the accusations I would tell her that if she doesn’t stop you will hang up. Then if she doesn’t stop you have to hang up. Call again on your normal schedule and do the whole thing again if needed, and again, and again. Eventually she will either behave herself or you won’t have to spend a lot of time talking to her.

Bottom line: honoring your mother does not include taking abuse from her. Remember that when she is abusing you she is sinning. Hanging up at that point actually helps keep her from sinning.

 

[CRV]

Seeing as the OP stated they are around 70, I think it would be safe to assume the mother is 90 or thereabouts. I don’t think hanging up on a 90 year old woman in another country, is the right or charitable thing to do.

1 in 5 of those aged between 85-89 have dementia

PDF file - 2018 Alzheimers Disease Facts & Figures - from page 17 of this report - 32 percent of people age 85 and older have Alzheimer’s dementia.

So this may be an issue to take into consideration - but as the OP has not stated whether this is the case of not, I still don’t think it can be ruled out, nor the effects of it on cognitive function, memory, language, problem solving and more.

 

[TK421]

If she starts being toxic with you, calmly tell her that you will not continue the conversation and then follow through with what you said.

 

[CRV]

Personally, I would make some charitable reason to end the call, if it all became too much to listen to. Something like " I have to go now mom, I’ll call again …, love you!. Bye" Or something along those lines.

 

[snarflemike]

I don’t think hanging up on a 90 year old woman in another country, is the right or charitable thing to do.

Charity does not require one to accept abuse at the hands of another.

 

[Rhubarb]

Hi there.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I took care of my grandfather when he became too weak to live, and then my grandmother too. In fact, she passed just eleven days ago after 15 years of me living with her and taking care of her.

One thing I learned is that there is ALWAYS more that needs to be done. Care-giving is hard. It taxes you. And even when you spend 12+hours a day physically caring for someone, 8 hours to sleep, and 4 hours for work/your time, there’s still more that can be done. You can work yourself to exhaustion, and there is more that can be done.

But I’ve learned now that she’s gone, that there’ll be a point where you can’t do more. Where you can’t go back and you really do miss having that voice to talk to. I don’t know your situation, but, to assuage your worry I would take an hour or so and really think over the situation. It’s totally okay to say “I can’t do more” if you’re giving all you can. I had to say that many times with my grandmother - “No, I can’t spend my day off 24 hours, I need to get out of the house away from people” And I was being honest, I really had to. But now that I can’t go back… I wonder about those choices I made. Just be sure you’re at your limit. If you are (and it’s fair to be there) don’t feel guilty. Call whenever you can, and care for yourself too.

 

[CRV]

That depends on what exactly is being said. It also depends on the relationship of those involved, their personalities as well.

Surely, considering the age, turning the other cheek is appropriate here?

Saying, things along the lines of " Family takes care of family." or “Good daughters look after their mothers” I do not see as abuse. There is also the matter of culture. This is more strongly seen as the norm in cultures who are very heavily family oriented, and as the OP said the mother is in Europe, I will take the liberty of assuming Italian. Italian families are very very close to each other, and saying things along the lines I gave as examples, is normal, and is not abuse.

My opinion would be different if the OP were 30 and the parent was in their mid 50s. But as the OP parent I think is safe to assume close to 90 I stand by my view that hanging up is unnecessary, uncharitable.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

[snarflemike]

Two wrongs do not make a right.

Refusing to accept abuse at the hands of another is not wrong. If you can show me in the catechism that I am mistaken, I will change my mind.

 

[CRV]

You are assuming first off that it is abuse.

Until the OP clarifies whether what is said is abuse, until then my point of view on the matter stands.

Respect is mutual certainly. But I think the respect, even though both are adults, in this particular circumstance dictates that respecting ones parent comes first.

In all things - charity. How is it charitable to hang up on an old 90yr or thereabouts old woman who is in a nursing home and may not have full possession of all her mental faculties.

Charity is in the Catechsim.

Whilst courtesy and politeness, respect and good manners are part and parcel of our normal interactions with others.

Knowing how the elderley are, especially those suffering from dementia etc are and how it affects their minds and personalites - hanging up on someone as you suggest doing I find abhorrent especially in this situation.

The OP stated her mothers comments make her feel terribly guilty. No mention of abuse here.

 

[snarflemike]

The OP stated her mothers comments make her feel terribly guilty. No mention of abuse here.

“she let’s me know how selfish a daughter I am, she took care of her mother, etc.”

 

[Emeraldlady]

I am close to despair and praying God may help her be more happy. What can I do?

Oh dear, gra. I feel your pain. I don’t know how things are set up in the US but in Australia, there are services to help carers and family cope with this very situation. I wonder if you could contact a local government organisation or hospital to find out where you might access this type of counselling?

 

[CRV]

So what?? That’s a description of what was said. Haven’t you had anyone tell you you were being selfish? Surely you don’t consider that to be abuse???

I respect the OP was hurt by hearing that she is still considered selfish after all she does do, but as I said before in another of my posts - the older generation did just that - cared for their parents and had the same expectation they would be cared for in their turn. That’s how society was for them, growing up and throughout their adulthood. So that is how they see/understand/think how things should be/are the right way that things should be. The trouble is that society has changed.

It’s only been about the last 30 or so years (I think YMMV) when parents were/are placed into nursing homes for a whole variety of reasons.

And as I’ve said before - cultures are different. Italian, Greek etc.

I’ve been told I was worse things by my mother when she was alive - took it on the chin, let it go, shrugged it off. She was still my mother. Not perfect, but then I wasn’t a perfect child either. We’re human.

There’s an old saying - “Water off a ducks back”.

 

[CRV]

@snarflemike

Out of charity and respect for the OP, I am ending our difference of views /discussion of same here and now. It is derailing the topic and not at all helpful for the OP.

 

[poche]

I will pray for you.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m sorry you’re going through this with your mom.

You need to detach yourself emotionally from the things she says. It sounds like she has not only been this way her whole life, but it has perhaps gotten worse with age. At this point there could be a medical cause for this. 90-year-olds, even if generally in their right mind, don’t always have the best judgment. They’re often emotionally on the level of little children who are not happy that they don’t get to do something they want and respond with, “I hate you” to their loving parent because they weren’t allowed to have ice cream or play outside. The parent takes this to heart and feels badly while the kid is largely unaware of the impact on the parent because he’s so focused on his own self.

It seems like your mom at this point is focused on her own self and her own negative feelings, perhaps being lonely that her children are not around 24/7 and that your brother is dead.

So when she starts up about “you’re a selfish daughter”, you can do one of two things:

1. Tell her politely that you do not deserve such toxic remarks and that you will end the conversation when she says such things, and talk to her another day. Then follow through. “Mom, I am going to hang up now because as I told you, it’s not fair or kind of you to say those things to me. I will talk to you on Thursday, and hopefully we can have a better conversation then. Goodbye.”
   This may or may not work to change the ingrained behavior of a 90-year-old, so if it doesn’t work you might have to use option (2).
2. The other option is to just let what she says go in one ear and out the other. Just say, “mmhmm” and then change the subject. Do not react emotionally to what she says and do not take it to heart. Just dismiss it as the ramblings of an unwell, elderly person.

I spent a lot of time helping to care for my elderly mother when she was in her late 80s just before her death, and occasionally she would come out with remarks or judgments of me that were way off. Sometimes I got upset by them but I realized that Mom was ill, upset and suffering from spells of vascular dementia that affected her judgment, not only with me but with other people around her. Sometimes she was just fine like the Mom I always knew, and sometimes she was like the 5 year old child having a tantrum. She didn’t mean the things she said.

 

[1ke]

What can I do?

You are going to have to grow a thicker skin and ignore her. Many families live a great distance apart. You must care for your husband, and you are not young yourself. Your mother is receiving care. If your mother continues to be abusive towards you, you may need to limit your phone calls and interactions.

Remember, her opinion isn’t a fact. You know how she treated your sibling, this is not you-- it’s her.

Also remember when people get older, their mental faculties can be compromised. Sometimes they become aggressive, say bizarre things, etc. This is part of old age, so do have compassion but not guilt.