My mom gives me terrible guilt

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Is there someone else, cousins, nieces/nephews, perhaps even volunteers from her parish, who can stop by and visit her once each week? While the care may be excellent, we still need to feel that connection to other people out in the world.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
  1. The other option is to just let what she says go in one ear and out the other. Just say, “mmhmm” and then change the subject. Do not react emotionally to what she says and do not take it to heart. Just dismiss it as the ramblings of an unwell, elderly person.
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I would rank this as the #1 option. My father-in-law lived to be nearly 100 and my wife had to do this constantly.
 
snarflemike said:
Refusing to accept abuse at the hands of another is not wrong. If you can show me in the catechism that I am mistaken, I will change my mind.
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In answer to your inquiry, try #2214-2220:

III. The Duties of Family Members

The duties of children

2214 The divine fatherhood is the source of human fatherhood; this is the foundation of the honor owed to parents. the respect of children, whether minors or adults, for their father and mother is nourished by the natural affection born of the bond uniting them. It is required by God’s commandment.

2215 Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude toward those who, by the gift of life, their love and their work, have brought their children into the world and enabled them to grow in stature, wisdom, and grace. “With all your heart honor your father, and do not forget the birth pangs of your mother. Remember that through your parents you were born; what can you give back to them that equals their gift to you?”

2216 Filial respect is shown by true docility and obedience. “My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching… When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you.” “A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.”

2217 [ … ] Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.23

For the Lord honored the father above the children, and he confirmed the right of the mother over her sons. Whoever honors his father atones for sins, and whoever glorifies his mother is like one who lays up treasure. Whoever honors his father will be gladdened by his own children, and when he prays he will be heard. Whoever glorifies his father will have long life, and whoever obeys the Lord will refresh his mother.24
O son, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance; in all your strength do not despise him… Whoever forsakes his father is like a blasphemer, and whoever angers his mother is cursed by the Lord.25

2219 [ … ] "With all humility and meekness, with patience, [support] one another in charity."27

2220 For Christians a special gratitude is due to those from whom they have received the gift of faith, the grace of Baptism, and life in the Church. [ … ]

http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__P7U.HTM
 
She does, maybe not every week, but calls too. Nothing, except my moving back good enough. Thank you for caring.
 
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I’d just like to say publicly that somehow I ended up liking this comment yesterday and I should not have. My apologies to the OP.

While I do agree that you need to set up health boundaries with your mom, I don’t think you should just hang up in her! That would be counterproductive.
 
mrsdizzyd said:
While I do agree that you need to set up health boundaries with your mom, I don’t think you should just hang up in her! That would be counterproductive.
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What I said is that she should be given a warning if she starts getting abusive (or “uncharitable”, to borrow a term much used in this thread), and if she doesn’t stop, only then should she be hung up on. On the next call, act as if nothing had happened (that is, no recriminations), and see how it goes. Continue until (a) things get better, or (b) things do not get better - in which case, what exactly is the purpose of the phone calls, other than for mom to vent and for daughter to feel terrible?
 
mrsdizzyd said:
There are other ways of ending a phone call…
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Ah, I think people may be assuming I meant “hang up abruptly”. No. I would say something like, “Mom, I told you if you started abusing me I would hang up, and you are abusing me so I’m going to hang up now. I’ll call back on Thursday and we’ll try again.” Click.
 
Have you thought of not calling her so often? Keep calling the facility she is living in, to learn the particulars of her care, health, progress, etc. Find out if there are activities available to her. Many are told, but forget about these activities, and end up sorry for themselves, like your mom. When you do talk to her, ask what she has been doing, if she’s made friends, etc. My own father lived to 97, his last two years almost exclusively in a nursing home. Since he was 90, in and out. I lived nearby, going to see him was not a problem for me. After a while, he wasn’t able to use the phone much, but we kept in touch. You just think, 'she’s old, she doesn’t know what she’s saying, just hang in there. I know, this post is all over the place, but maybe I can summarize what I mean to say.

She most likely is repeating herself, and saying the same things over and over, because of her age.

You should speak to workers at the facility, as well as to her, to find out what she has been, and could be doing.

Don’t feel guilty…you’ve done your best, and she really can’t expect more; it’s probably a foreign idea, that you’re getting older too…she probably sees you as barely middle aged.

If it seems to upset her, try talking to her less often, speak to her case worker, and tell them to tell her you’re thinking about her.

Place most emphasis on the times you see her, face-to-face; make a big thing of getting together with her.

God bless both of you!
 
Oh… I just reread your original post. Every other day is way too much! It makes her think about you, and, not that you ever intended it, it may trigger negative thoughts! If you’re worried, call the home, but don’t have her come to the phone that often.

Maybe once a week is often enough? Every two weeks? Let her think of the present, and, hopefully, form more positive memories of you.
 
Legend said:
Oh… I just reread your original post. Every other day is way too much! It makes her think about you, and, not that you ever intended it, it may trigger negative thoughts! If you’re worried, call the home, but don’t have her come to the phone that often.

Maybe once a week is often enough? Every two weeks? Let her think of the present, and, hopefully, form more positive memories of you.
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I’m not so sure. I called my grandmother almost every day between my grandfathers death and her getting too ill to speak. She also had dementia but the fact that I usually rang was something she rrmembered, even if I wasn’t always sure she appreciated it and the conversation may not have been mich more than hello, how are you?

On saying that I was happy if neither of us knew what to say. I just wanted to keep the relationship active in whatever way I could. If the OP tries less frequent calls and they help that may be the solution. In the case of a relative whose speech I cannot understand I don’t call because we would both get frustrated or he would need someone to ‘translate’.
 
@gra

Like so many others, let me say how sorry I am that both of you must endure this heartache and I offer prayers for both of you and the rest of your extended family. Many good points and different angles have been mentioned. You are obviously a very kind-hearted person and are deeply hurting. Minimize the opportunity to be browbeaten further when possible, but always take the high road. You will hurt even more if you don’t. Perhaps you could respond as you would to a preschooler who might be saying your mother’s words in pretend playing?

A few more thoughts:

When I was 71, during the initial recuperation after a heart attack and bypass surgery, I spent a few weeks in a nursing home about eight miles from my son’s home, but a 100+ miles from my own turf. Although my son visited on most days, his business in the opposite direction sometimes intervened. I can’t begin to tell you how profoundly devastated I was, just about 24/7, while awake, but especially so on the evenings when he couldn’t visit. Phone calls were off the table because I must lip-read.

Because of constantly rotating nursing staff, my physical therapist was the only person I saw Mon-Fri, and I missed her terribly on the weekends. I was thrilled when she suggested that she call my son each day and relay what he said to me. Nothing important was exchanged, except when she’d tell me, “He said, “I love you, Mom.” I lived for that. (She’s still in my prayers.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@Elf01

If someone in your relative’s nursing home can understand his speech, maybe you could set up an arrangement whereby that person could call you within a certain time range on certain days with your relative present and act as his voice. If they could use a phone with a speaker, he’d have the joy of hearing your voice. I can tell you from experience that the isolation caused by inability to talk on the phone is heart-shriveling.

My third experience I’d like to share is this: my mother died 30 1/2 long years ago, and I can hardly wait to talk to her again.
 
My 95 year old mother made a private decision to stop eating and taking in fluids. When we discovered this our family took turns being with her for over 2 weeks around the clock. But she continued to not want to eat much of anything and got to the point she couldn’t swallow liquids. Her doctor got hospice involved and we started having healthcare people checking in on her around the clock. She became so weak that we had to move her out of the apartment she loved into a Catholic nursing home, hoping that she would feel safer. She has begun to suffer from dementia and confusion. She is very angry and hurt that I, as her daughter, won’t take her out of “this hell hole” and asks for family to be with her all the time. Family has been there to visit every day but she is terribly unhappy and has been declining therapy to help her get stronger so that she might be moved to a n assisted living center. I am 71 and not a very physically strong person and I don’t know how I could bring her to live with me. We tried that 3 years ago and because she doesn’t like my husband she didn’t want to stay. How do I deal with the guilt that I feel for not saving her from this nursing home? She is too weak and disinterested in venturing out of her room to join in activities. She Won’t let us put the TV on for her when we leave. I can find no way to help her be happy where she is and I feel like a terrible daughter for not rescuing her.
 
Carrie, your mom is ill, and has reached the point where she cannot care for herself.
Nor can you at age 71 be providing the 24-hour care that she needs. This is beyond the ability of most families nowadays, especially since medical care has progressed to the point where it’s not something that can just be done by most non-medical people at home. In olden times, when elderly were cared for at home, if they stopped eating and drinking they would likely just die pretty quickly.

Also, let’s be realistic here, your mom is 95. At that age, most people are not going to be able to bounce back and “get stronger” so they can move to assisted living.

Your mom’s mind has likely been affected by her illness. You mention she has dementia and confusion as well as having made a private decision to stop eating and drinking, which is not the normal decision of somebody in their right mind. Her anger at you and her wanting family to be with her all the time is a result of her mental confusion, because if she were in a normal mental state she would understand that you and your siblings can’t be there 24/7 and can’t care for her properly at home.

You need to just spend whatever time you can with your mom and try not to feel guilty. It’s normal to have a whole range of emotions, some of them guilt and some of them pretty negative, when you’re dealing with a situation like this. It’s hard to watch your mom waste away and die. I went through it myself with my own mom.

Keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best thing for your mom - making sure she is comfortable and has the best care - and that her anger and upset are part of the end of life process, not anything logical. Try to be nice to yourself, be at peace. God bless.
 
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Thank you so much for your objective insight. I have always tried to be there for my mother and now she is genuinely hurt and confused that I am not “saving” her from a place she does not want to be. Intellectually I know she is where is needs to be but emotionally I feel bad that I am letting her down, failing her. She has forgotten that when we did bring her into our home she was not happy. This place is so hospital-like and not at all as inviting as her independent place was.

Thank you for your reassurance that I am doing the best I can for her.
 
Carrie said:
This place is so hospital-like and not at all as inviting as her independent place was.
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I know she needs full time care. Would it be possible to find somewhere less hospital like where she can still get the care she needs but may like better?
 
Oh, how I wish! Unfortunately she needs the level of care that nursing homes provide and this one is health-wise the best one in her hometown. I realize that good healthcare trumps pretty surroundings but that’s satisfying to my mom. Plus this facility is Catholic and so is my mother. As a result she gets daily communion which she does value.

I do appreciate the suggestions.
 
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