My Mom is making me feel so guilty

[iluvmybabies]

My mom told me that many Hispanic families back in the day, note we are hispanics used to make their youngest child-a daughter preferrably- to stay with the mother until the mother passed away…They were not allowed to date, nor have husbands nor children…

Thank GOD times have changed…

My mother told me that’s the way it should be now, because that’s what “honoring your father and mother” is about. One of us should stay with her until she passes away, and when most of us moved and started our own lives, she told me I was an ungrateful daughter…

One of my friend’s is in a similar situation, except it’s not her mother it’s her cousin! But because she can’t afford her own place, and she’s a single mom she puts up with it. Her cousin has an appt up in her huge house, that’s where my friend and her 2 little girls live…But she gets checked up on everything…If the rooms are not clean, dishes dirty, laundry not done, nothing dusted, can’t be out past 9 pm…8 pm during children’s school nights…
She has it pretty bad. Every time I ask her to stay the night, she can’t because she was warned if she didn’t come home every night she would be kicked out…

She has to do her laundry and all her house cleaning and dishes, etc…Now I understand paying your dues but having a curfew and told what to do on a daily basis? This woman is 30 years old…

So unless you depend on your mother’s house for a living you shouldn’t stay…I know it sounds terrible but seriously, do you want to spend the rest of your life alone, not married no children nothing at all because you stayed with your mother??? I mean if you just don’t want to have a life of your own, then by all means stay other wise move on and let her learn to take care of herself…

My mother is manipulative too but because I am a rebellious child, , I know terrible, I never stay too long…The whole “you can’t do this you can’t do that you are doing this wrong you are stupid what are you thinking you are doing that again what is wrong with you!!!” Thing is just not my way of trying to live a peaceful life with my children and now db…hopefully soon to be dh…

Anyhow, take care, I wish you lots of luck and may GOD bless!

 

[seeker_of_God]

I’d recommend just getting away as soon as possible. I saw my mom deal with my grandmother for many years, as my grandmother grew more and more manipulative, appeared nice often but then would turn around and stab her in the back. My mom would do everything for her and then my grandmother would complain no one did anything for her, none of her kids loved her (except for her son who lives 4 hours away and does nothing), etc. It stressed my mom out so much that I feared for her health.

So yeah, don’t let her make you feel guilty. I know the toll that can take, even if I’ve not experienced it directly.

 

[1ke]

The thing is, I feel very lonely in this whole process. I’m moving away and I have no one here to help me make moving arrangements or help me with decisions. I can call my fiance but he’s not here with me. I have a couple of friends in town but they have their own lives. My mom won’t say one word and if I do ask her for her opinion I’ll get “this is your decision you do what you want” and she’ll be very snide. I’m going to be doing the whole moving process on my own since my fiance doesn’t get vacation until May and can’t make the trip out here to help. Seems silly to have him take a week without pay and spend $200 on a plane ticket just help me move a few large items into a Uhaul and drive out with me.

You are an adult. You don’t need “mommy” to help you make decisions and moving arrangements. You also don’t need you fiance to help you move. Get some boxes, set up the move, and do it. You can hire a moving crew that loads everything into your UHaul for you. That’s what I did prior to our wedding. DH was across the country. So, I got the UHaul and hired a crew for 3 hours to do all the heavy lifting.

You are starting to exhibit your mother’s traits-- not being able to do for yourself.

Again, I repeat my question that you igorned:

What is it that you hope to accomplish by posting this thread? You posted the same thing a couple of months ago and took no one’s advice.

 

[iluvmybabies]

The thing is, I feel very lonely in this whole process. I’m moving away and I have no one here to help me make moving arrangements or help me with decisions. I can call my fiance but he’s not here with me. I have a couple of friends in town but they have their own lives. My mom won’t say one word and if I do ask her for her opinion I’ll get “this is your decision you do what you want” and she’ll be very snide. I’m going to be doing the whole moving process on my own since my fiance doesn’t get vacation until May and can’t make the trip out here to help. Seems silly to have him take a week without pay and spend $200 on a plane ticket just help me move a few large items into a Uhaul and drive out with me.

I understand that you are feeling lonely and overwhelmed about all this. It’s understandable that all you know is your mother and nothing else and that you might seem a bit stressed over moving far from her and next to your df whom you really don’t know how things will be with him being there in person!! But let me tell you, you are a very strong and brave person! You have been living your life helping your mother, willing to give up your own personal life for her that’s sacrifice, love and strength my dear, because I wouldn’t have lasted a year helping my mother out with everything she needed…I would still help her just not live with her and not make a life of my own, thus I have 3 children and hopefully will be married soon!! The point is that if you really love this man, then give each other a chance.

Perhaps you will feel that your mother will “hate” you and never talk to you, but believe me, my grandmother has been on her own since I can remember, my grandfather died when my mother was 15 and my grandmother never remarried. She has a life! She never told any of her kids, “you have to help me or take care of me!” She is always supportive, yes my mother now helps her more than before, but financially my grandmother doesn’t need any help. She has a lot of money even though for her it’s not enough. That woman travels and has made new friends over time! She’s 83 years old!! She still has the energy of a 70 year old and I thank GOD! Hopefully next year I will be able to see her again, it’s been almost 3 years since I have seen her…AND my family!

The point is that you need to take over your own life otherwise you will never live a happy life, unless this way of living makes you happy then so be it and good luck…

But it seems you are really looking forward to living your own life so do it…She will get over it and appreciate you even more…You will never make your mother happy believe me barely now at my 30 years am I starting to realize that…But you can make GOD and yourself happy so why not work on that?!