My mom thinks im doing Drugs!

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RomanRyan1088

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My mom thinks I am smoking because she found my lighter in my pants. I know, it doesn’t’ look right, but gosh, i use that lighter to light my candles. Also, lately, I have been dressing a little outta the norm, I don’t know if everyone is up to date with all the Labels that go around, but i’ve been dressing a little more “Skater”, and I have been listening to a lot more Alternative, hard rock (I decided to cut off the rap, it sounds to violent), and now I wanna take guitar lessons, not electric, but acoustic. Now my mom thinks im doing drugs, because im changing, what can I do to convince her im not.
 
Wow… show her your post… 🙂

Joking.

Honestly, sit down and have a talk with her! Explain to her why you have a lighter… Why you dress the way you do… Why you like alternative music… Bring up your decision about the rap music. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your answers. As my dad and I joke (half seriously) “We have to keep the lines of communication open!”

My parents often struggle with my decisions. My mom finds me a little too “environmental”. I really want to become a vegetarian, not for moral reasons (we were given animals to eat for nourishment!) but because I feel healthier eating fruits and vegetables and grains… But I’ve decided to hold off on going veggie until I’m out of the house, to make my mom’s life easier. 🙂 I also often dress like a hippy- again, I find the clothes comfortable and a little “out there”… I try to tone it down though, when I go out with my family…

Also- perhaps mention to your mom that “changing” isn’t necessarily a bad thing! If she’s still not happy- ask the Holy Spirit for some fortitude, and prove to her, by your actions, that you know what is healthy for you, and that you are commited to a healthy lifestyle- drug free!

Good luck!
 
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Mary:
Wow… show her your post… 🙂

Joking.

Honestly, sit down and have a talk with her! Explain to her why you have a lighter… Why you dress the way you do… Why you like alternative music… Bring up your decision about the rap music. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your answers. As my dad and I joke (half seriously) “We have to keep the lines of communication open!”

IlL have to think about that…

My parents often struggle with my decisions. My mom finds me a little too “environmental”. I really want to become a vegetarian, not for moral reasons (we were given animals to eat for nourishment!) but because I feel healthier eating fruits and vegetables and grains… But I’ve decided to hold off on going veggie until I’m out of the house, to make my mom’s life easier. 🙂 I also often dress like a hippy- again, I find the clothes comfortable and a little “out there”… I try to tone it down though, when I go out with my family…

I think hippies are freakin awsome dude! or dudete (Many chicks get mad at me becuase i call them dudes, I cant imagine why)

Also- perhaps mention to your mom that “changing” isn’t necessarily a bad thing! If she’s still not happy- ask the Holy Spirit for some fortitude, and prove to her, by your actions, that you know what is healthy for you, and that you are commited to a healthy lifestyle- drug free!

Good luck!
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Dear RomanRyan1088,

Parents are in a difficult position. We always talk about the influence society and the media have on the children, but what about the parents?

Parents are taught that to properly wear their “parent hat” they must take a hardline approach to drugs. Many think that when it comes to this topic, no responsible parent would actually believe their children. They justify it on the basis that many children would lie about it, and that it is so important to get them into “treatment” that the best thing to do for your child is to assume guilty until proven innocent.

The problem I see with this approach, when I look at it from the “I was a kid once” point of view, is that it undermines trust and the openness of the communications and turns the parent-child relationship into an “us v. them” relationship. If there is illicit behavior, the so-called “tough love” attitude often creates the illusion of improvement, but actually tends to drive the behavior further underground in many children.

Different parenting styles might work better for different children, but please be patient with them; they are certainly doing what they think they believe they are “supposed to” to look out for your best interest. Technically, I don’t know if you’re telling us the truth, but for purposes of this thread I am assuming you are because if you aren’t then none of this advice is any good anyway. Actually, they may not really believe it themselves but feel they have to take certain actions so they can justify to themselves and/or others that they are, in fact, certain you aren’t! If one parent tells another “my kid is on drugs” and the other asks, “how do you know,” society does not accept “because we have an honest relationship and he/she told me” as a viable response. If they say, “I clipped hair samples when he was asleep and sent in for testing and they came out negative” then they feel they can really stand up for you that way. I’m not saying your particular parents are motivated in this way, but many are.

Just do me one favor. Please do not take their apparent belief you do drugs encourage you to do it. I know there is a frustration when your parents, boss, customer, etc do not believe you when you are telling the truth. There is a human tendency by some to want to say, “you know what? I actually could get away with it” or “maybe I will try it; I’ve already been accused of it” or “I’ve already taken the heat, why not have the pleasure of the crime?” Getting mixed up in doing drugs is a huge mistake, and over the long run is certainly no fun.

Alan
 
I am still in recovery from teenagers (my youngest is 30 and just had her first baby), so I may not be the best one to comment, but there are certain things that push parental alarm buttons (I am sure you already know what they are)
lighters and matches
roach clips (I don’t know what you call them nowadays)
cigarette butts in my car
Border Patrol dogs showing an interest in my car when I go over the bridge to Canada or Mexico
empty liquor bottles and beer cans under your bed or hidden in the garage
extreme changes in your physical appearance that involve permanent mutilation, like piercings and tattoos
hanging around with people that look, act and talk like aliens
syringes (we are not easily persuaded that these are used to refill your inkjet printer)
music that advocates a variety of felonies
finding various birth control devices when we sort your laundry
you placing “parental controls” on the computer so we can’t track the sites you visit
obsession with music videos that would have gotten people arrested if they were shown or distributed 20 years ago

Now, armed with this ammunition, please don’t use it do give your parents more grief than they already have.

As long as you can talk to them, and listen to them, things will be fine. Just keep your voice down, and don’t whine

my daughter reminds me that she used to taunt me when I started harassing her, “You are just afraid that I will do the things you did when you were my age (in the 60s)” and I would say, “Girl, you are so RIGHT”
 
My suggestion would be to talk to your mom and tell her that you respect her concerns, and that you’re grateful that she loves you enough to be concerned. Tell her that you realize that you’ve been changing, but that it’s a change in interests, not morals. Though you shouldn’t have to really prove anything to her, it would be a nice gesture to ask her what you can do to help assuage her fears.
 
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asquared:
I am still in recovery from teenagers (my youngest is 30 and just had her first baby), so I may not be the best one to comment, but there are certain things that push parental alarm buttons (I am sure you already know what they are)
lighters and matches
roach clips (I don’t know what you call them nowadays)
cigarette butts in my car
Border Patrol dogs showing an interest in my car when I go over the bridge to Canada or Mexico
empty liquor bottles and beer cans under your bed or hidden in the garage
extreme changes in your physical appearance that involve permanent mutilation, like piercings and tattoos
hanging around with people that look, act and talk like aliens
syringes (we are not easily persuaded that these are used to refill your inkjet printer)
music that advocates a variety of felonies
finding various birth control devices when we sort your laundry
you placing “parental controls” on the computer so we can’t track the sites you visit
obsession with music videos that would have gotten people arrested if they were shown or distributed 20 years ago

Now, armed with this ammunition, please don’t use it do give your parents more grief than they already have.

As long as you can talk to them, and listen to them, things will be fine. Just keep your voice down, and don’t whine

my daughter reminds me that she used to taunt me when I started harassing her, “You are just afraid that I will do the things you did when you were my age (in the 60s)” and I would say, “Girl, you are so RIGHT”
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Great list, asquared! It is a good summation for what we parents of teens feel in our guts but don’t have enough experience yet to actually come up with!
 
You have gotten some really good answers here. But in addition to the advice you already have received I would tell my mom that I would be willing to come with her to a doctor to have a blood- and urinsample taken for drugscreening.

A negative test result should convince her.
 
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asquared:
I am still in recovery from teenagers (my youngest is 30 and just had her first baby), so I may not be the best one to comment, but there are certain things that push parental alarm buttons (I am sure you already know what they are)
lighters and matches
roach clips (I don’t know what you call them nowadays)
cigarette butts in my car
Border Patrol dogs showing an interest in my car when I go over the bridge to Canada or Mexico
empty liquor bottles and beer cans under your bed or hidden in the garage
extreme changes in your physical appearance that involve permanent mutilation, like piercings and tattoos
hanging around with people that look, act and talk like aliens
syringes (we are not easily persuaded that these are used to refill your inkjet printer)
music that advocates a variety of felonies
finding various birth control devices when we sort your laundry
you placing “parental controls” on the computer so we can’t track the sites you visit
obsession with music videos that would have gotten people arrested if they were shown or distributed 20 years ago

"
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These things you mention can be signs. I’ll tell you what though when I was a teenager my favorite color was black. I rememeber looking in my closet when I was in highschool and realizing every peice of clothing I owned was black or grey. Even my bedspread was black (and I’m a girl). I had a roach clip with purple feathers dangling from my rear view mirror in my car and a bandana hanging there too with buttons on it which included one that said “I’m not as think as you stoned I am”

Mind you I never took an (illegal) drug in my life. In fact I’ve always been anti-drug. I also carried a lighter ( was great to heat up your black eye liner so you could put it on nice and smooth.) Smoked a few cigarettes (but didn’t inhale:D ) and did a little bit of underage drinking - we had a friend whose mom was a former hippie, she let us as long as we didn’t go anywhere:eek: .

It never even dawned on my parents that I would do drugs. I would look more at behavior than exterior things, teenagers like to be different. And I would bet most teenagers carry lighters, doesn’t mean their drug users.
 
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rayne89:
These things you mention can be signs. I’ll tell you what though when I was a teenager my favorite color was black. I rememeber looking in my closet when I was in highschool and realizing every peice of clothing I owned was black or grey. Even my bedspread was black (and I’m a girl). I had a roach clip with purple feathers dangling from my rear view mirror in my car and a bandana hanging there too with buttons on it which included one that said “I’m not as think as you stoned I am”

Mind you I never took an (illegal) drug in my life. In fact I’ve always been anti-drug. I also carried a lighter ( was great to heat up your black eye liner so you could put it on nice and smooth.) Smoked a few cigarettes (but didn’t inhale:D ) and did a little bit of underage drinking - we had a friend whose mom was a former hippie, she let us as long as we didn’t go anywhere:eek: .

It never even dawned on my parents that I would do drugs. I would look more at behavior than exterior things, teenagers like to be different. And I would bet most teenagers carry lighters, doesn’t mean their drug users.
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Agreed. I went through a phase where everything in my closet was black, my nail polish was black, I listened to “headbanger” music, wanted to learn the guitar, etc. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life, nor have I ever done drugs (other than secondhand pot inhalation at a party). I didn’t date until I was 17, and I didn’t even try alcohol until I was in college. The clothes and music were my way of “rebelling”, if you will, without screwing up my grades or clean police records. I still made National Honor Society, and was awarded various college scholarships. Oh, and I also had lighters- that was when the scented candles were starting to pop up everywhere.

I also had many friends for whom dyeing their hair weird colors, wearing odd makeup, and dressing in strange clothes was the only way they could “rebel”, as their parents were quite strict. They accepted it, dyed their hair pink, dressed/wore makeup like goths, and also played varsity sports, got good grades, and participated in the youth groups at church, all while avoiding drugs/alcohol/sex.

RomanRyan, maybe you could convince your mom that wanting to play the guitar is a good thing. Kids who study music often see an improvement in their grades, and it’s something you will enjoy for the rest of your life. Besides, I know loads of orthodox Catholics who play instruments and volunteer in their parishes as music ministers, write/perform religious music, lead youth groups and prayer groups in song, etc.
 
I can see why your mother would be concerned. My mom found a lighter in my pants pocket one time, only, I really was smoking. Unfortunately the way you’re dressing, the music you listen to, and the fact that you want to learn to play guitar (which is awesome, I play too) would probably lead her to believe that you are doing drugs. She’s probably basing her judgement on stereotypes. But isn’t good to know that she cares? Tell her that you are glad that she is concerned about you, but you honor your body the way God wants you to and you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that. Then give her a big hug and tell her you love her. She’ll think about it and then realize that she has an awesome, trustworthy son.
 
Advice here from the mother of a 14 year old – with long hair and hip hop music coming from behind that closed door…

Talk to your mom. Not just about this. Talk to her every day. Every evening at our house, we gather and talk. My husband and I sit out on the porch and just talk. In fact, my DH waits for me to get home from work there on the porch. Our son – hearing the dog barking announcing my arrival – will come out of his room and join us, sometimes just for a few moments – many evenings we will get in a discussion that lasts at least an hour (and at least once a week there is a many hour discussion). The neighbors know this is our family custom, and they join us many times. We talk about our day, about politics, about music, about whatever. When my husband is not home, my son still joins me for a chat – every evening – when he is loaded with homework it may be for just a minute, but, we keep that connection. We never even begin cooking supper until after this evening chat (sometimes, we eat supper at 10 PM)… When my son has friends over, they LOVE to join in our chats - I’ve been elected the coolest mom in the school, and my son told me that his pals think that because I actually converse with them. I have had to beg them to let me go to sleep after hours of talking.

Family prayer, study, meals – these take place too, but, first thing each evening, we just talk.

I know that I am part of my son’s life, and I think that your mom would be thrilled if you can carve out a few minutes every day to TALK to her. Sometimes, my son will ask me to come in and listen to a song or watch him play a video game – that means so much to me. I even get him to listen to MY music sometimes J
 
Thank your mom for being so concerned…

I have a drug problem that started when I was 12, my parents knew it and never said a thing, thinking I’d sort it out myself. eventually I did, but I’ve relapsed. It would have been much easier if my parents took the time to talk to me about it.
 
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RomanRyan1088:
My mom thinks I am smoking because she found my lighter in my pants. I know, it doesn’t’ look right, but gosh, i use that lighter to light my candles. Also, lately, I have been dressing a little outta the norm, I don’t know if everyone is up to date with all the Labels that go around, but i’ve been dressing a little more “Skater”, and I have been listening to a lot more Alternative, hard rock (I decided to cut off the rap, it sounds to violent), and now I wanna take guitar lessons, not electric, but acoustic. Now my mom thinks im doing drugs, because im changing, what can I do to convince her im not.
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LOL, my mom went through this with me. Of course I wasn’t smoking or doing drugs. It caused a lot of problems with us because I thought she was crazy…I really don’t have any advise…but now you know you aren’t alone. Just be yourself, she’ll get over it.
 
Kage_ar brings up an excellent point.

RomanRyan, take the time to talk to your mom. Let her know what’s going on, why you’re doing what you’re doing, and just keep her filled in on your life. I grew up in a home where we always sat down to have dinner as a family, and those dinners would sometimes last for an hour or more because we would get into discussions, debates, or just talk about our days. This continued through high school and even during the couple of years that I lived at home during college.

The lines of communication were always open, my parents knew what was going on in my life and that they could trust me, and I did everything I could to not break that trust. I didn’t break curfew, and always told them truthfully what I was doing, with whom, when, and where. In return, they treated me with the same respect that I gave them, and only needed to impose a few restrictions on me for my own safety (I always had a curfew, no dating until I was at least 16, no going out with friends they hadn’t met or to parties if the parents weren’t home, etc.).
 
That seems to be parents’ explanation for everything. My mom thought I was on drugs, too. I wasn’t–just crushing emotional pain stemming from insecurity and a lack of any kind of affection from my father. But, it wasn’t drugs. 😉

Ironically, a few years later, while going through a phase in one of my colleges, I nearly had a breakdown. Mom’s advice?

Drugs. :rolleyes:

(For the record, everything’s okay now. Still an insecure flake, but mostly happy most of the time.)
 
Hello all, thanks for the relplies…

The reason I want to play guitar is to try to get away from my pornography addiction which i am trying to overcome (My mom has no idea about this addiction), and plus i think guitar is freaking awsome.

My favorite colors are now midnight blue and black. And I LOVE music. All my friends are “Skaters”, and all of them smoke, but they have offered me, but i just say no. Im afraid when we go to the mall, we are always in the “Skater” stores, and I like the clothes, now I hate skateborading, but i think the clothes are freaking awsome. I also wanna pierce my lip (I wonder is that is a sin?) and my ears.

Believe me people, after being in Catholic School through elementary and middle school, all this new stuff is a new experiance and totally awsome.
Well, I’ll ttyl, bye
-Ryan
 
Oh My Gosh, I was listening to this one song, and my mom was right there, and she happened to be there when the song said the following lyrics:

“I rock a law suit when im going to court
A white suit when im getting divorced
A black suit at the funeral home
And my birthday suit when im home alone.”

And she started laughing, She said it reminds her of the kinda music she used to listen to, like Guns N Roses, Matallica, and all them bands. And then she told me she thought it was cool that I wanted to play guitar, but I better not be doing drugs. Im planning to join DFYIT (Drug Free Youth In Texas), so I can get a drug test, and prove to her im not doing drugs.
-Ryan
 
It’s normal for teenagers to go through changes. It’s how you find out who you really are and it continues into college. I look back to how I was when I started College 5 years ago and I see that I was a compleatly different person. I was “semi-gothic,” “semi-prep” I was still finding out who I was. Listen to me, I used to smoke alot, and I don’t mean cigarettes, I always went out partying and drinking, me and the guys would watch porn and exchange stories about what we did with the girls over the weekend. Then I found Christ and I saw how empty my life was, I really wish that my mother had as much concern about me as your mother does. Maybe if my mother did what your mother is doing now, I wouldn’t have gone through all of that. I know that God loved me enough to let me hit rock bottom and find out myself that there is nothing in the secular life style. I’m telling this to you because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes.
 
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