My mom wants me to spread her ashes when she passes

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benjammin

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Would it be wrong of me to disobey her. I myself am a devout Catholic and while I am okay with her being cremated. She wants us to spread her ashes over our farm rather than be placed in a vault. Would it be wrong of me to disobey her when the time comes.
I know people will try and convince me to talk with her,but she will have none of it. She did convert to catholicism for my father, but doesn’t really understand that we can’t spread her ashes, and my brother and sister are going along with it.
Would it bye wrong of me when the time comes to disobey her wishes and have her ashes placed next to my father after she’s passed.(btw its not an issue about my dad, they had a loving marriage, she just wants her ashes spread)? I mean she wants to have at least a Catholic memorial service in spite of her being lapsed out of respect for me and my father, but I honestly can’t convince her not to spread them. What do i do? She is so stubborn about this. Hopefully though this won’t happen for a while though and maybe she’ll change
 
What do your brother and sister think? Will this be your decision alone, or will they have a say as well?
 
I think if you can’t bring yourself to follow her instructions yourself, you should tell her so. Tell her she needs to ask someone else to help her carry out this last wish because you can’t do it for her.
 
My grandma just died at the age of 94. She was always a dog lover. ( somewhat obsessive and disordered in this.) About 30 years ago, she was part of a coalition of likeminded people who lobied the county to allow human owners to be buried next to their pets in the fancy pet cemetery where her dogs were buried ( and future dogs would be buried.)

After heated arguments ( my mother had no living siblings to support or oppose the plan) my mom gave up fighting.

As my grandmother’s health failed, my mother quietly purchased a plot for grandma in a catholic cemetery. My grandmother would occasionally mention the plot at the dog cemetery and my mother would say " mom. I dont argue with you over this any more."

When my grandmother died in may, she was buried on a shady hill overlooking the church yard. From the side steps exiting Mass you can look out and see my grandma’s grave.

My grandma suffered a lot in the end. But i know she had a most blessed experience with Jesus’ divine mercy. And she received the sacraments. Because of this, my hope is that she is in heaven. At least I trust in Jesus that her purgatory is brief.

My mom and i belive that Grandma isnt mad about not being in the dog cemetery. Where she is, she understands. She approves.

(Ps. Ann arbor, are you in ann arbor? Alabama squashed the wolverines today. )
 
Scattering is such a bad idea. If the wind shifts, she’s not going to wind up on the farm; she’s going to wind up going through her childrens’ washing machines, and then out to the river via that route. It happens on the boat and plane drops all of the time. Why do that to someone?

You are right: you have no choice but to quit arguing with her about it. You have found that you won’t change her mind, you will probably upset her if you try, so you are released from that obligation. Let her tell you what she wants. You can mention that the Church doesn’t allow this or the law doesn’t allow that, but just as information. Otherwise, let her do the talking.

This is something you’ll have to work out with your siblings when she dies, and there will be a degree to which you won’t have control of what they do. Having said that, there might have been many things she wanted you to do when she’s dead that you will not feel compelled to do, particularly if it puts her desires ahead of your conscience. If they insist on doing it, you would not be out of place to refuse to have anything to do with it. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
 
monicatholic said:
My grandma just died at the age of 94. She was always a dog lover. ( somewhat obsessive and disordered in this.) About 30 years ago, she was part of a coalition of likeminded people who lobied the county to allow human owners to be buried next to their pets in the fancy pet cemetery where her dogs were buried ( and future dogs would be buried.)

After heated arguments ( my mother had no living siblings to support or oppose the plan) my mom gave up fighting.

As my grandmother’s health failed, my mother quietly purchased a plot for grandma in a catholic cemetery. My grandmother would occasionally mention the plot at the dog cemetery and my mother would say " mom. I dont argue with you over this any more."

When my grandmother died in may, she was buried on a shady hill overlooking the church yard. From the side steps exiting Mass you can look out and see my grandma’s grave.

My grandma suffered a lot in the end. But i know she had a most blessed experience with Jesus’ divine mercy. And she received the sacraments. Because of this, my hope is that she is in heaven. At least I trust in Jesus that her purgatory is brief.

My mom and i belive that Grandma isnt mad about not being in the dog cemetery. Where she is, she understands. She approves.
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👍 Especially what your mom told your grandmother.
 
Bell(name removed by moderator) said:
I think if you can’t bring yourself to follow her instructions yourself, you should tell her so. Tell her she needs to ask someone else to help her carry out this last wish because you can’t do it for her.
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I do not think I would encourage someone trying to elist my aid in something the Church does not allow to go find someone else to help her do it! Would I tell her to go find someone else to help her marry outside the Church or move her stuff so she could cohabitate with some guy while they both kept drawing widow and widower’s benefits from Social Security? No. I’d either try to persuade her not to do it or ignore her and hope she drops the idea or at least leaves me out of it, but I certainly wouldn’t give her plans on a napkin for achieving an undesirable goal “without my help.”

If the mother insists on a promise, though, the OP cannot give one. The mother will do what she wants with that, but the OP cannot lie to her in order to keep her from giving the decision to someone else.
 
Explain to her that her beloved farm could one day end up being a shopping center. If she doubts that, tell her that is how my great grandmother’s beloved farm ended up. If she still doubts it, give her a tour of the shopping malls in Lancaster, PA., then have her talk to some of the old timers who still remember all those nice farms that stood where those shopping malls now stand…not too long ago…
 
People ask us to do things when they are gone that are reasonable, some are not. You need to tell her that as much as you love her this is something that you cannot and will not be able to do for her.

My Mom also had a few requests. One was that she didn’t want visitation, funeral service or graveside service. I was also instructed that no one was to be informed until after she was cremated and buried next to my Dad. One afternoon she died unexpectedly. When my brother and I sat at my dining room table he asked about the services. I told him that she didn’t want that and I’d respect her wishes. If he wanted to go against them I wouldn’t attend. He went along with her wishes. Then he asked me about notifying the family and friends. I told him that we needed to let everyone know. He asked if I could live with going against her wishes in this and I said yes. I didn’t think that was a reasonable request. Her siblings had the right to know. 11 yrs later I don’t regret taking either stance.

Be at peace with this.
 
Why is it that we Catholics are to be buried in consecrated ground ?

Why can’t ashes be split up and why must they be buried ?

Does anyone know where I can find the answers to these two questions. Are there any Bible versus on any of this ?

These are the two questions I have been asked a time or two and I am having difficulty finding anything biblical or any documents to explain the reasoning as to why we must be buried in consecrated ground and why our ashes must also be buried or placed in a tomb and not scattered.

Thanks
 
horselvr said:
Why is it that we Catholics are to be buried in consecrated ground ?

Why can’t ashes be split up and why must they be buried ?

Does anyone know where I can find the answers to these two questions. Are there any Bible versus on any of this ?

These are the two questions I have been asked a time or two and I am having difficulty finding anything biblical or any documents to explain the reasoning as to why we must be buried in consecrated ground and why our ashes must also be buried or placed in a tomb and not scattered.

Thanks
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"Code of Canon Law (CIC) directs the Church to have its own cemeteries where possible but also provides for the blessing of designated areas and even individual sites in civil cemeteries. “Where possible, the Church is to have its own cemeteries or at least areas in civil cemeteries that are designated for the deceased members of the faithful and properly blessed. If this cannot be achieved, however, then individual graves are to be properly blessed” (CIC 1240 §1-2).

Additionally, canon law allows choice in the matter of selecting a grave site. “If a parish has its own cemetery, the deceased members of the faithful must be buried in it unless the deceased or those competent to take care of the burial of the deceased have chosen another cemetery legitimately. Everyone, however, is permitted to choose the cemetery of burial unless prohibited by law” (CIC 1180 §1-2).

This is quoted from Ask an Apologist; it sort of answers your question.We are to be buried in consecrated ground because the human body is considered worthy of respect, we look for the resurrection of the dead, and we are separate even in death from those who don’t believe.
We don’t scatter ashes for the same reason: we treat our bodies with respect.
For more info, check out the Catechism, I’m sure there is more there.
 
benjammin said:
Would it be wrong of me to disobey her. I myself am a devout Catholic and while I am okay with her being cremated. She wants us to spread her ashes over our farm rather than be placed in a vault. Would it be wrong of me to disobey her when the time comes.
I know people will try and convince me to talk with her,but she will have none of it. She did convert to catholicism for my father, but doesn’t really understand that we can’t spread her ashes, and my brother and sister are going along with it.
Would it bye wrong of me when the time comes to disobey her wishes and have her ashes placed next to my father after she’s passed.(btw its not an issue about my dad, they had a loving marriage, she just wants her ashes spread)? I mean she wants to have at least a Catholic memorial service in spite of her being lapsed out of respect for me and my father, but I honestly can’t convince her not to spread them. What do i do? She is so stubborn about this. Hopefully though this won’t happen for a while though and maybe she’ll change
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I’m not certain, but was told once in a similar discussion by a deacon that while cremation was perfectly acceptable, it was important to keep the physical matter in one location. It seemed clear he meant it would be wrong to scatter ashes. Although I must admit, he mentioned a prohibition on mingling ashes of two or more cremated remains. That may have been what he was specifically referring.
 
There is another option.

You could bury the ashes on the farm. Check with your county zoning board. It is rather common in our area. Also, the ashes don’t have to be in a container when done on a farm.

That way, her ashes are on the farm, there is a specific place to find her, and she is returned to the earth as intended.

Try talking about that option with her.
 
Check with the civil authorities. I live in a state where it is illegal to scatter human remains. My Mom requested that we scatter her ashes in her favorite wilderness spot and my Dad told her it was against the law. End of discussion.
 
Don’t make any representations now to your mother that you will do something that you know you won’t do. You don’t have to keep talking about it endlessly, though. That would be upsetting for everyone.
 
twopekinguys said:
There is another option.

You could bury the ashes on the farm. Check with your county zoning board. It is rather common in our area. Also, the ashes don’t have to be in a container when done on a farm.

That way, her ashes are on the farm, there is a specific place to find her, and she is returned to the earth as intended.

Try talking about that option with her.
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Would it be within church teaching. We are a rural parish, so we have our own cemetery. I thought that a catholic had to be buried in a Catholic Cemetery, or the Catholic section of a cemetery except in a few circumstances. If it’s licit though it might work
 
benjammin said:
Would it be within church teaching. We are a rural parish, so we have our own cemetery. I thought that a catholic had to be buried in a Catholic Cemetery, or the Catholic section of a cemetery except in a few circumstances. If it’s licit though it might work
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The priest would just need to bless the grave site.

This is often done when Catholics are buried in non-Catholic cemeteries. Many churches don’t have Catholic cemeteries, and sometimes one isn’t close by, so burial in a public cemetery is done.

First, check with the county zoning to make sure that part is legal. Then approach the priest about blessing the grave site.

I am in a somewhat rural area also, and there are alot of “private” family cemeteries around here. I don’t know of any of the Catholics buried in those have ever had a problem.
 
twopekinguys said:
The priest would just need to bless the grave site.

This is often done when Catholics are buried in non-Catholic cemeteries. Many churches don’t have Catholic cemeteries, and sometimes one isn’t close by, so burial in a public cemetery is done.

First, check with the county zoning to make sure that part is legal. Then approach the priest about blessing the grave site.

I am in a somewhat rural area also, and there are alot of “private” family cemeteries around here. I don’t know of any of the Catholics buried in those have ever had a problem.
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That sounds like a solution. Thanks!
 
benjammin said:
That sounds like a solution. Thanks!
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The other good thing about having a specific gravesite instead of scattering her ashes is that if the real estate is sold and becomes a parking lot, her remains can be disinterred and reinterred somewhere else that is suitable. Heaven forbid that you live to see something like that happen if her remains are spread all over the place and can’t be moved.
 
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