My Mom's boyfriend

[styrgwillidar]

You’re 17 and this is the first boyfriend/man your mother has had in all that time? The first companionship she has sought? Is she that hideous or awful that she couldn’t have had suitors— or has she made the sacrifice/gift of loneliness to you for 17 years? To ensure you had a safe environment without the risk of introducing men into the home?

I don’t know you or her. You did an admirable thing in standing up for the faith and what is right and wrong. Do you have specifics about this guy you don’t like that you avoided being around him, just staying in your room? Or were you jealous of having someone competing for time with your mother? You need to honestly ask yourself these kinds of questions.

What are your long term goals for your relationship with your mother? What do you want it to be in 3 years, 5, 20? You are getting close to the age where you’ll be moving out on your own. Has your mother failed in her duty/responsibilities of raising you? Does she have the right to live her life and think of what she would like to have in her life in the future? Since she’s made the sacrifice of loneliness for you, is it understandable that she would be open to companionship in her future? How is your approach to your mother and her boyfriend going to support your long-term goals?

Say she falls madly in love with this man, what is best for her soul? If they get married, will you continue to shun him? If you are persistently against this man, will it perpetuate the current situation vice the consideration of matrimony? That is, either she or he will use your opposition as an excuse not to consider matrimony?

We are all human and have our frailties and vulnerabilities. Again, you have done the right thing by pointing out she is sinning, as we all are. You do have a right to feel comfortable in your home. However, try to be charitable as well, pray for your mother and that the situation is resolved in accordance with God’s desires for everyone.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Sorry to disagree with you but it is the daughter’s business because the mom is bringing this guy in the home and she lives there. If one looks at the fact that 80% of rapes start out with a friendly relationship between the victim and perpetrator then OP has every right to resist this guys gifts and attention and that probably is the start to trying to win her trust for more devious plans later on. If you have spent any time reading the testimonies of victims of assault, especially children, the perpetrator usually wins them over with gifts and being nice and friendly and this mother should be seeing that and have more concern about her daughter and her example than the sex and attention this guy is giving her.

You are making some outrageous and uncharitable assumptions about this man. You have absolutely no reason to assume that he is out to rape the OP. And while most assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, that does not mean that the majority of men who date and spend the night with single moms are out to molest children. She is 17 years old, and her mother’s relationship is likely to get more serious once the teenager leaves the house. Perhaps this man just wants to have a good relationship with the daughter of the woman he’s been seeing for a couple of years? Yep, that sounds more likely.

And no, the OP is not dealing with this in a mature manner. Being rude to mom’s boyfriend is inexcusable. She is still a child, he is an adult, and as her mom’s boyfriend she needs to show him basic respect. Disagreeing with her mom’s choices, even on a moral level, is not a license to act like a brat.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
And no, the OP is not dealing with this in a mature manner. Being rude to mom’s boyfriend is inexcusable. She is still a child, he is an adult, and as her mom’s boyfriend she needs to show him basic respect. Disagreeing with her mom’s choices, even on a moral level, is not a license to act like a brat.

I would tend to phrase it a bit differently. I told my own kids that it is unreasonable to tell them to respect that which isn’t respectable. However, there is no reason not to be polite, and to act charitably and in a Christian manner.

Hiding in one’s room and not interacting is a fairly juvenile approach to an issue. Certainly, the man is cooperating with the mother in sin— but how is avoiding him, making him feel unwelcome, turning the cold shoulder going to encourage him as well as the mother to take the right course morally? If she got to know him better, she may be able to give her mother more concrete reasons in severing the relationship or its level of intimacy. Or, give her a different perspective on the man and his motives.

No matter what the man’s importance in the mother’s future is, actions taken now will color the mom/daughter relationship well into the future.

 

[iru]

Thanks, everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far.
Just some clarifications:

Whether it’s my business or authority or not, she is still my mom, she’s family. I love her to death and find it difficult to be respectful to the one is causing her to sin.

I say hi when he’s there, but I didn’t consider spending time with him. They might think that I’m okay with this situation.

Yes, she has talked about marriage. If she does get married, I don’t want it to affect my relationship with her. As for him, he knows that she’s Catholic and goes to church. I question his level of respect for her if he doesn’t respect the rules of her religion. I’d want to get to know him if they do get married. That said, my mom is a really kind person who will do a lot for someone for little in return. I don’t know if he will stop taking advantage of her, even if he technically wouldn’t, since they’d be married, I’m not sure if the dynamic would change.

 

[Father_of_10]

Maybe you should pray for his conversion.

 

[robwar]

You are making some outrageous and uncharitable assumptions about this man. You have absolutely no reason to assume that he is out to rape the OP. And while most assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, that does not mean that the majority of men who date and spend the night with single moms are out to molest children. She is 17 years old, and her mother’s relationship is likely to get more serious once the teenager leaves the house. Perhaps this man just wants to have a good relationship with the daughter of the woman he’s been seeing for a couple of years? Yep, that sounds more likely.

And no, the OP is not dealing with this in a mature manner. Being rude to mom’s boyfriend is inexcusable. She is still a child, he is an adult, and as her mom’s boyfriend she needs to show him basic respect. Disagreeing with her mom’s choices, even on a moral level, is not a license to act like a brat.

First of all, I haven’t called Op a brat or immature or disrespectful so I am not sure about accusing me of being uncharitable. The assumptions about him are based on statistics in homes where the mom has a live-in or sleeping with a boyfriend which sadly in ends up with abuse toward the children in the home. My concern is for OP not for the immoral mom and this guy trying to buy OP with gifts. OP is not the problem here and is looking for help not criticism. Sorry, I would rather side with the child (and she is 17 years old here) than with an immoral mother and her boyfriend who is in and out of the home.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

First of all, I haven’t called Op a brat or immature or disrespectful so I am not sure about accusing me of being uncharitable. The assumptions about him are based on statistics in homes where the mom has a live-in or sleeping with a boyfriend which sadly in ends up with abuse toward the children in the home. My concern is for OP not for the immoral mom and this guy trying to buy OP with gifts. OP is not the problem here and is looking for help not criticism. Sorry, I would rather side with the child (and she is 17 years old here) than with an immoral mother and her boyfriend who is in and out of the home.

Even statistically the odds of this man being someone who would sexually assault her are minuscule. Yes, a disproportionate amount of child abuse comes from mom’s boyfriend, but once again the majority of mom’s boyfriends are harmless. She is so near adulthood and he has been around for several years, that’s even more points against him being a monster. And as far as uncharitable goes there is a difference between calling out someone for being a bratty teenager when they are admittedly unfriendly is a far cry from assuming that someone is a rapist.

Like it or not the OP is under her mother’s control and may be so for quite awhile depending on how dependent she is after high school and during college. She can either try to have a good relationship with her mother and act like an adult, or she can try to make demands of the person who takes care of her and be rude to someone who has tried to be nice. Adults don’t deal with issues the way the OP has, teenagers do. If she wants things to go her way she will start being respectful and make an effort with the boyfriend. She will then calmly, and without demanding, talk to her mom about her concerns and what can be done so that everyone is comfortable. Then she will be patient if not everything works out right away.

Even more proof that the OP is showing her age is that she blames the entirety of her mother’s sin on the boyfriend.

 

[dedo]

Even statistically the odds of this man being someone who would sexually assault her are minuscule. Yes, a disproportionate amount of child abuse comes from mom’s boyfriend, but once again the majority of mom’s boyfriends are harmless. She is so near adulthood and he has been around for several years, that’s even more points against him being a monster. And as far as uncharitable goes there is a difference between calling out someone for being a bratty teenager when they are admittedly unfriendly is a far cry from assuming that someone is a rapist.

Like it or not the OP is under her mother’s control and may be so for quite awhile depending on how dependent she is after high school and during college. She can either try to have a good relationship with her mother and act like an adult, or she can try to make demands of the person who takes care of her and be rude to someone who has tried to be nice. Adults don’t deal with issues the way the OP has, teenagers do. If she wants things to go her way she will start being respectful and make an effort with the boyfriend. She will then calmly, and without demanding, talk to her mom about her concerns and what can be done so that everyone is comfortable. Then she will be patient if not everything works out right away.

Even more proof that the OP is showing her age is that she blames the entirety of her mother’s sin on the boyfriend.

I could not disagree more.

One of the most important aspects of protecting yourself is called “distance management”.

You absolutely cannot wait until someone declares himself to be a threat to decide to maintain a safe distance. Many years ago, someone taught me to be highly vigilant for strangers that attempt to "close the distance’ with some innocuous request like asking directions, or asking the time. I try to teach people this that are willing to listen. Years later, some creep in a small group of creeps, wanted to ask my wife a question (in a “nice” way) in a parking lot. She turned and ran. No answer, no nothing.

Last month someone at work thanked me for teaching them this, and alerted me to a stabbing in our area that occurred after someone closed the distance by asking the time.

Thus, not being alone in the house with this guy, no matter what, is solid thinking. Implying the girl has some sort of obligation to “be nice” to the guy is just wrong, and as wrong as wrong can be. The girl’s first, second, and third obligation re: this guy, is to keep herself safe…period.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I could not disagree more.

One of the most important aspects of protecting yourself is called “distance management”.

You absolutely cannot wait until someone declares himself to be a threat to decide to maintain a safe distance. Many years ago, someone taught me to be highly vigilant for strangers that attempt to "close the distance’ with some innocuous request like asking directions, or asking the time. I try to teach people this that are willing to listen. Years later, some creep in a small group of creeps, wanted to ask my wife a question (in a “nice” way) in a parking lot. She turned and ran. No answer, no nothing.

Last month someone at work thanked me for teaching them this, and alerted me to a stabbing in our area that occurred after someone closed the distance by asking the time.

Thus, not being alone in the house with this guy, no matter what, is solid thinking. Implying the girl has some sort of obligation to “be nice” to the guy is just wrong, and as wrong as wrong can be. The girl’s first, second, and third obligation re: this guy, is to keep herself safe…period.

Ok, there is no reason to think that this guy is going to hurt her. Of course if she isn’t comfortable she shouldn’t be alone with him. But being rude to him because she doesn’t approve of their sex life is not doing anything to keep her safe, all it’s doing is making her mom less likely to listen to her.

Honestly men just can’t win. He’s polite to his girlfriend’s daughter so he must want to assault her, but imagine the responses if the OP had said that her mom’s boyfriend didn’t want anything to do with her!

Sorry, but I was raised to be cordial and polite, and to appreciate efforts that others made with me. Never would my mother have tolerated my refusal to be friendly to one of her friends.

 

[Bezant]

Honestly men just can’t win. He’s polite to his girlfriend’s daughter so he must want to assault her, but imagine the responses if the OP had said that her mom’s boyfriend didn’t want anything to do with her!

Guilty until proven innocent, isn’t it? I thought it was the other way around!

 

[Bezant]

Whether it’s my business or authority or not, she is still my mom, she’s family. I love her to death and find it difficult to be respectful to the one is causing her to sin. I say hi when he’s there, but I didn’t consider spending time with him. They might think that I’m okay with this situation.

Yes, she has talked about marriage. If she does get married, I don’t want it to affect my relationship with her. As for him, he knows that she’s Catholic and goes to church. I question his level of respect for her if he doesn’t respect the rules of her religion. I’d want to get to know him if they do get married. That said, my mom is a really kind person who will do a lot for someone for little in return. I don’t know if he will stop taking advantage of her, even if he technically wouldn’t, since they’d be married, I’m not sure if the dynamic would change.

While you love your mum and it’s understandable that you want her to do the right thing, your obligation to honour her outweighs fraternal correction. Even when you’re an adult you just can’t correct your parents the way you would a friend or a sibling or even your boss. You treated her as an inferior when you challenged her sex life. That was out of order, frankly, and you should apologise.

Since nothing in your description suggests your mum’s relationship is less than mutually consensual, it’s unfair that you accuse her boyfriend of “causing” her to sin or “taking advantage” of her. Actually, even if he can’t hold his liquor he sounds like a decent bloke, considering that he’s dating a single mum and generous towards you. In life everyone deals with uncomfortable situations from time to time. You can’t always avoid people just because you disagree with them. Realistically, if you want to get on with your mum you’ll have to accept her boyfriend to some extent, which requires some effort on your part to interact with him.

 

[thewanderer]

First of all, I haven’t called Op a brat or immature or disrespectful so I am not sure about accusing me of being uncharitable. The assumptions about him are based on statistics in homes where the mom has a live-in or sleeping with a boyfriend which sadly in ends up with abuse toward the children in the home. My concern is for OP not for the immoral mom and this guy trying to buy OP with gifts. OP is not the problem here and is looking for help not criticism. Sorry, I would rather side with the child (and she is 17 years old here) than with an immoral mother and her boyfriend who is in and out of the home.

Statistically men sexually assault women more often than women, so, from now on, I’m going to protect myself by avoiding all contact with men. Sound familiar? Thats the exact same logic you are using. Yes, you have to protect yourself by figuring out which situations are most likely to be dangerous, but you also have to take into account what the actual likelihood in any given situation of that danger is. Just because a parents significant other is more likely to rape someone than others doesn’t mean that the approppriate response is for all children to avoid their parents significant others. Just as the fact that I am more likely to be sexually assaulted by a man than by a woman doesn’t necessarily mean I should start avoiding contact with all men. There has to be a balance in it all.

 

[robwar]

Statistically men sexually assault women more often than women, so, from now on, I’m going to protect myself by avoiding all contact with men. Sound familiar? Thats the exact same logic you are using. Yes, you have to protect yourself by figuring out which situations are most likely to be dangerous, but you also have to take into account what the actual likelihood in any given situation of that danger is. Just because a parents significant other is more likely to rape someone than others doesn’t mean that the approppriate response is for all children to avoid their parents significant others. Just as the fact that I am more likely to be sexually assaulted by a man than by a woman doesn’t necessarily mean I should start avoiding contact with all men. There has to be a balance in it all.

First of all, I never advocated avoiding all men. If you have spend any time reading the abuse cases and testimonies, there is an extremely high rate of abuse towards children in the home by the “friendly” live in boyfriends of the moms. If someone doesn’t have enough respect towards someone else in that they are living with them. (And this is a mortal sin the last I checked), do you realistically think that the live-in boyfriend is going to have any respect towards the children in the home? They don’t. My concern is for a 17 year old girl here, not the mom or this guy. Sorry, I am quiet passionate about this, I escaped a car jacking as a teenager walking to school because I had my wits about me and was aware of my surroundings. There is a 17 year old girl here, what do you think would happen if she is alone at home and this guy makes a move on her? Then it becomes her word against his and how do think the mom would side with? Sorry, I feel OP needs to think about her safety and what to do if she feels threaten. This is a fact 80% of all rapes are between people that know each other. The attacker knows the victim, they have a “friendly” relationship with them. If this guy is so nice and great, he wouldn’t be sleeping with the mom with a teenage girl in the home in the first place. If this guy really cared about this mom then he wouldn’t be having sex with her. The behavior says it all and our concern should be for a girl in the home not this phony respect posters are telling her to have.

 

[thewanderer]

First of all, I never advocated avoiding all men. If you have spend any time reading the abuse cases and testimonies, there is an extremely high rate of abuse towards children in the home by the “friendly” live in boyfriends of the moms. If someone doesn’t have enough respect towards someone else in that they are living with them. (And this is a mortal sin the last I checked), do you realistically think that the live-in boyfriend is going to have any respect towards the children in the home? They don’t. My concern is for a 17 year old girl here, not the mom or this guy. Sorry, I am quiet passionate about this, I escaped a car jacking as a teenager walking to school because I had my wits about me and was aware of my surroundings. There is a 17 year old girl here, what do you think would happen if she is alone at home and this guy makes a move on her? Then it becomes her word against his and how do think the mom would side with? Sorry, I feel OP needs to think about her safety and what to do if she feels threaten. This is a fact 80% of all rapes are between people that know each other. The attacker knows the victim, they have a “friendly” relationship with them. If this guy is so nice and great, he wouldn’t be sleeping with the mom with a teenage girl in the home in the first place. If this guy really cared about this mom then he wouldn’t be having sex with her. The behavior says it all and our concern should be for a girl in the home not this phony respect posters are telling her to have.

Again, I am merely pointing out a flaw in your logic. You claim that since a large percentage of rapes occur by the parents partner all children should avoid their parents partners. well, and even larger portion of rapes and sexual assaults occur by men, so, following your logic it seems that you should all the more so be advising all women to avoid all men.

The point being that you are paying attention to the wrong statistic, you are paying attention to the percentage of rapes that are cause by a certain group of people rather than the percentage from that group that actually rape/sexually assault another. The first leads to absurd results, such as telling all women to avoid all men. The second is the one you need to rely on which you haven’t been relying on.

Basically, I’m pointing out that if you want to tell all children to avoid and shun their parent’s partner then you have to use the correct logic for arriving at that conclusion, which means, finding out the percentage of parent’s partners that rape/sexually abuse the child involved rather than the percentage of rapes that occur because of someone who is known, or even because of a parent’s partner.

 

[robwar]

Again, I am merely pointing out a flaw in your logic. You claim that since a large percentage of rapes occur by the parents partner all children should avoid their parents partners. well, and even larger portion of rapes and sexual assaults occur by men, so, following your logic it seems that you should all the more so be advising all women to avoid all men.

The point being that you are paying attention to the wrong statistic, you are paying attention to the percentage of rapes that are cause by a certain group of people rather than the percentage from that group that actually rape/sexually assault another. The first leads to absurd results, such as telling all women to avoid all men. The second is the one you need to rely on which you haven’t been relying on.

Basically, I’m pointing out that if you want to tell all children to avoid and shun their parent’s partner then you have to use the correct logic for arriving at that conclusion, which means, finding out the percentage of parent’s partners that rape/sexually abuse the child involved rather than the percentage of rapes that occur because of someone who is known, or even because of a parent’s partner.

First of all, this is mortal sin between the mom and boyfriend. That in it of itself should raise a red flag. Second, this mom is allowing boyfriend to hang out at the home with full and unchecked access to the computer. Likewise, this boyfriend is younger the mom and between the mom’s and daughter’s ages. I am not concerned at all that you think I am being illogical and I stand by my advise to OP in that she should never be at home along with this guy and if so call the dad to pick her up or contact the priest or parish assistant to make arrangements for such and be able to go somewhere safe. Op does not need to be forced to be a friend with this guy at all and if she is uncomfortable with the situation, then she has every right to stay in her room. She has a dad, this guy is not her dad. Whatever happen between the parents is unknown but this is the tragedy of divorce and two parents are not together to raise the children. The sin here is between the mom and this guy. The girl is innocent here. If there is one sin going on, it doesn’t take much for others to follow.

 

[thewanderer]

First of all, this is mortal sin between the mom and boyfriend. That in it of itself should raise a red flag.

I am aware that fornication is grave matter (as opposed to a mortal sin, we can never know the state of anothers soul) But just because they are sinners (we are all sinners) doesn’t mean they should necessarily be shunned and avoided.

Second, this mom is allowing boyfriend to hang out at the home with full and unchecked access to the computer. Likewise, this boyfriend is younger the mom and between the mom’s and daughter’s ages. I am not concerned at all that you think I am being illogical and I stand by my advise to OP in that she should never be at home along with this guy and if so call the dad to pick her up or contact the priest or parish assistant to make arrangements for such and be able to go somewhere safe. Op does not need to be forced to be a friend with this guy at all and if she is uncomfortable with the situation, then she has every right to stay in her room. She has a dad, this guy is not her dad. Whatever happen between the parents is unknown but this is the tragedy of divorce and two parents are not together to raise the children. The sin here is between the mom and this guy. The girl is innocent here. If there is one sin going on, it doesn’t take much for others to follow.

I am sorry that you don’t care about being logical and intellectually consistent, but if you insist, there’s not really anything I can do about it.

As for the bolded claim, you are implying that if a person has sex outside marriage then they are to be treated as though they are going to become rapists, because one sin (rape) follows another (fornication). I’m sorry, but that is a ridiculous claim. Yes, this girl needs to be careful. Yes, all people need to be careful and avoid situations which they feel are unsafe for them, but that does not give us the right to start seeing rapists where they don’t exist. As Catholics we are required to think well of others and to avoid rash judgement detraction, and calumny.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.277 He becomes guilty:

• of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
• of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;278
• of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

2478 To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. and if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.279

2479 Detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one’s neighbor. Honor is the social witness given to human dignity, and everyone enjoys a natural right to the honor of his name and reputation and to respect. Thus, detraction and calumny offend against the virtues of justice and charity.

To assume that people are rapists or sexual predators without sufficient reason is rash judgement, to publicly claim that a person is going to sexually assault others without a solid reason to claim so is detraction and calumny. All such behaviours are forbidden by the Catholic Church.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

First of all, this is mortal sin between the mom and boyfriend. That in it of itself should raise a red flag. Fine, but it doesn’t equal rape or anything close to it. Second, this mom is allowing boyfriend to hang out at the home with full and unchecked access to the computer. Most adults are comfortable letting other adults use their computer unsupervised. Likewise, this boyfriend is younger the mom and between the mom’s and daughter’s ages. Where did it say how old the boyfriend was? I am not concerned at all that you think I am being illogical and I stand by my advise to OP in that she should never be at home along with this guy and if so call the dad to pick her up or contact the priest or parish assistant to make arrangements for such and be able to go somewhere safe. You have no evidence that this man is not safe, and since he’s been in the girl’s life for several years without any incident, it seems he probably is. Op does not need to be forced to be a friend with this guy at all and if she is uncomfortable with the situation, then she has every right to stay in her room. She has a dad, this guy is not her dad. No, she does not have to be friends. But he is an adult, she is a child, and the mature thing to do is to be friendly to him even if she doesn’t approve of his sex life. Whatever happen between the parents is unknown but this is the tragedy of divorce and two parents are not together to raise the children. The sin here is between the mom and this guy. The girl is innocent here. If there is one sin going on, it doesn’t take much for others to follow. That is completely insane.

You really need to let go of this rape thing. There is not a shred of evidence and even statistically it is extremely unlikely that he would hurt her. You are calling a lot of very good decent men rapists. Like for example my stepfather, whom my mother lived with before marriage. Or my brother, who was living with a single mom of four daughters for eight years before they married. He worked hard to build a relationship with each daughter, and now he’s their favorite person. And there are many other men, probably even some on this site who do not have a problem with premarital sex but are repulsed by the idea of assaulting a 17 year old girl. Those “sins” are in no way the same thing, and there isn’t an ounce of evidence that committing one will lead you to commit the other.

 

[Bezant]

First of all, this is mortal sin between the mom and boyfriend. That in it of itself should raise a red flag. Second, this mom is allowing boyfriend to hang out at the home with full and unchecked access to the computer. Likewise, this boyfriend is younger the mom and between the mom’s and daughter’s ages. I am not concerned at all that you think I am being illogical and I stand by my advise to OP in that she should never be at home along with this guy and if so call the dad to pick her up or contact the priest or parish assistant to make arrangements for such and be able to go somewhere safe. Op does not need to be forced to be a friend with this guy at all and if she is uncomfortable with the situation, then she has every right to stay in her room. She has a dad, this guy is not her dad. Whatever happen between the parents is unknown but this is the tragedy of divorce and two parents are not together to raise the children. The sin here is between the mom and this guy. The girl is innocent here. If there is one sin going on, it doesn’t take much for others to follow.

I reckon you’re ot accusing him of being a sexual predator, then?

 

[Bezant]

Robwar, I’m perplexed as to where your sexual predator accusation is coming from, since there’s no basis for it in the OP’s account. In fact, some of your evidence is plain wrong, if not wildly speculatory.

The boyfriend doesn’t live with the mum, he only visits on the weekends, and the OP barely interacts with him. Maybe he’s younger than the mum, we don’t know that of course, but so what if he is? Never does the OP mention that he behaves inappropriately toward her – on the contrary, she admits that he’s generous. The fact that he has premarital sex with the mum doesn’t make him a more likely rapist than a celibate priest.

 

[marymary1975]

You are making some outrageous and uncharitable assumptions about this man.

And no, the OP is not dealing with this in a mature manner. Being rude to mom’s boyfriend is inexcusable. She is still a child, he is an adult, and as her mom’s boyfriend she needs to show him basic respect. Disagreeing with her mom’s choices, even on a moral level, is not a license to act like a brat.

I have to disagree with you BlueEyedLady and agree with Rob, and I am going to apologize beforehand for being so harsh as this hits home to me and I have very strong feelings on this. I had a very similar situation, my single mother had a live in boyfriend whom I never liked and I never approved that relationship, and everything started in a similar way as the OP.describes. I also.was told by my mother when I time her that I didn’t like that relationship that she was the adult and I was a child and that I needed to grow up and learn to accept her boyfriend, I was told by family members I had to grow up and I was just being difficult and that I needed to accept my mother’s boyfriend. He started just visiting the house and I barely spoke to him and my mom was quite angry because I was being rude to him. Eventually he moved in. My mother’s boyfriend molested me twice and I got lucky I didn’t get raped the second time because while getting away from him he tripped which gave me time to run and escape to my grandmother’s house. I never came back to live with my mother after that day and I have to say that that boyfriend changed my relationship with my mother for the rest of my life.

It may be truth that this guy has no had intentions at all and is not a sexual predator but Rob is correct as to that the number one child predator in the US are the mother’s.boyfriend and to make it even worse in the vast majority of cases the mother tends to.side with the boyfriend. of course that doesn’t mean every guy that dates a single.mother is a child predator but there are many men out there who date single.mother with bad intentions and that is something to be careful with and be aware of it. I don’t see why so many are criticizing so much of the idea of being careful with a boyfriend, come.on.people there is a dependant child whose sanity is at stake here. Would you let your own child to bring any person from the street to your house and sleep with that person in your house, why it has to be different for the.mother? So even if the boyfriend is an angel.from heaven a mother must be careful with anyone for the sake of her children and I don’t agree with a mother ntroducing or bringing home any boyfriend unless and until the mother is absolutely sure that they are getting married and until she is fully and completely sure of the good character and exact intentions of the boyfriend. I am sorry but even if the guy is not a predator there are many more other factors affecting the child (inestability, what the child is learning, the mother is teaching her that pre marital sex and bringing a guy home are ok, dealing with a new relationship, etc.) And in my opinion my child’s stability is more important than bringing a boyfriend to my house. I personally don’t like the fact that the mother is dismissing the daughter’s.concerns. I can assure you if my daughter comes to me someday and says something like that I am going to sit down, talk with her, find out what bothers herand try to find a solution that benefits HER. My daughter is her and she comes first, the boyfriend is second and can wait. And I am sorry but to me the you are a child and I am an adult is just a synonym of I want to keep.doing what I want to do and don’t want to hear that is wrong, to heck with what you think. I also don’t like that her mother said I am tired of raising you alone…excuse me. I am sorry if I am harsh…which may be because of my own experience with my mother…but to me that is not right to say to a child. I am also.a.single.mother of a.nine.year old and those words are beyond.my understanding.

If the daughter thinks he is taking advantage of her mom and she is not comfortable around him and she is not happy with the relationship, then she does not have to be forced to be friendly with him.or accept it. She says she says hi to him.and she is not rude. Nothing besides that should be required of her. Most of what the majority of people are saying in here is exactly what I heard back in the day: from the mature thing to do is to be friendly to you don’t have any proof that he is actually a bad person. So I have to disagree heavily on that. If she doesn’t like it she has to trust her feelings. If she thinks he is taking advantage of her probably there is a very good reason that is giving her that feeling.

To the OP, I think you need to trust your feelings. I agree that you do need to pray for your mom but I think you are doing right expressing your disagreement with the situation. Of you feel uncomfortable with that man call you dad to.get you, trust your.feelings. I wouldn’t bring the subject again with your mom as you already told her what do you think is wrong but I would remain exactly the same as now. Keep minimum contact with him. Be respectful but remember that being respectful.doesn’t mean you have to condone their behavior. Just keep your distance. I have to say that based on my experience your mom is not going to listen to you specially with that statement of I am the adult (it took about 15 years for mine to listen to me) so don’t expect her to change, I think you should probably need to focus on your own life…you are almost 18… don’t focus on your mom’s problem focus on getting into college, moving out, get a job and follow the catholic teaching in your life. Hopefully prayers will be effective and someday she will come around and will listen.