My mom's mental illness has finally spilled over to my son

[1990Domer]

Hi Everyone!

I know how many prayers I haven’t gotten from here, and I truly appreciate it. I think I wrote that I asked my mom for a break in communication because her negativity and nasty comments were getting me down. Well, we hit a new low when she took this behavior out on my innocent son. I’m not saying that any of us deserved it, but he deserved it least of all. I now think I understand why I have always felt deflated when I tried to please others and got seemed to me tossed aside. More or less this was because I was looking for approval from a mom who didn’t give me any and a dad who was too scared to disagree with her.

I appreciate all the good people here who have prayed for me and allowed me to stay strong. The good priest at Confession today was a wonderful help! Sadly, I don’t know if I should send her birthday present to her because, in the past, she has only sent it back to me with a nasty note. If my son just sent her something, I fear she may do the same thing to him.

This is definitely going to be one for my therapist. However, I am welcome to anyone who has been in a similar position.

Happy 3rd Sunday of Advent!

 

[1ke]

My half brother’s mother is mentally ill. Dad got custody when bro was 5 or so. Dad limited contact until bro was an adult and able to defend himself or distance himself as necessary. She has NO contact with my niece now that bro is grown and married.

I suggest you cut the contact completely. See your dad on neutral territory if he can stand up enough to do so. Or find a private means of communication with him.

 

[tawny]

Continued prayers for the intentions of you & your family.

 

[Antegin]

I suggest you cut the contact completely. See your dad on neutral territory if he can stand up enough to do so. Or find a private means of communication with him.

Ditto:thumbsup:

 

[1990Domer]

My half brother’s mother is mentally ill. Dad got custody when bro was 5 or so. Dad limited contact until bro was an adult and able to defend himself or distance himself as necessary. She has NO contact with my niece now that bro is grown and married.

I suggest you cut the contact completely. See your dad on neutral territory if he can stand up enough to do so. Or find a private means of communication with him.

Your advice is wonderful, but my dad was simply too scared in the past to enrage my mom more. She would watch and question all his movements like a hawk. Sadly, he is too ill (he’s 88) to do anything on his own. And after a recent drug interaction, he is immobile and can’t speak very well.

My therapist and I agree that my CPS should have been called for some of the things my mom did. But my dad simply told us it was our responsibility to “keep my mom calm.”

And I have cut contact completely. For the first time in my life, I had the courage to initiate it.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Sadly, I don’t know if I should send her birthday present to her because, in the past, she has only sent it back to me with a nasty note. If my son just sent her something, I fear she may do the same thing to him…

Of course you don’t send her anything. I cannot see why anyone would send another gift after getting the treatment you describe, provided that the gift was not a violation of a boundary that had been communicated or ought to have been known. (For instance, if you send a “gift” to a Catholic that is a book deriding the Catholic faith, that is not a gift. That is a boundary violation. If you’re taken to task for sending it, you ought to apologize, even if you didn’t know you were being offensive when you selected the gift.)

 

[1990Domer]

Of course you don’t send her anything. I cannot see why anyone would send another gift after getting the treatment you describe, provided that the gift was not a violation of a boundary that had been communicated or ought to have been known. (For instance, if you send a “gift” to a Catholic that is a book deriding the Catholic faith, that is not a gift. That is a boundary violation. If you’re taken to task for sending it, you ought to apologize, even if you didn’t know you were being offensive when you selected the gift.)

I once had a therapist who told me to take the high road and continue to send her gifts at appropriate occasions so as to not stoop to her level. The therapist (wonderful psychiatrist) I have now has taken me so far, but this is the first time we’ll be talking about this. Sending cards and/or gifts was never discussed as a boundary issue.

 

[Xantippe]

If she has a history of sending back presents, I wouldn’t go to any special effort, but if you have a birthday gift already, why not send it?

If she sends it back, you can just send a card next year. Or just call. Or not.

Hi Everyone!

I know how many prayers I haven’t gotten from here, and I truly appreciate it. I think I wrote that I asked my mom for a break in communication because her negativity and nasty comments were getting me down. Well, we hit a new low when she took this behavior out on my innocent son. I’m not saying that any of us deserved it, but he deserved it least of all. I now think I understand why I have always felt deflated when I tried to please others and got seemed to me tossed aside. More or less this was because I was looking for approval from a mom who didn’t give me any and a dad who was too scared to disagree with her.

I appreciate all the good people here who have prayed for me and allowed me to stay strong. The good priest at Confession today was a wonderful help! Sadly, I don’t know if I should send her birthday present to her because, in the past, she has only sent it back to me with a nasty note. If my son just sent her something, I fear she may do the same thing to him.

This is definitely going to be one for my therapist. However, I am welcome to anyone who has been in a similar position.

Happy 3rd Sunday of Advent!

 

[1990Domer]

By the way, thank you for all your advice! I am humbled, thankful and very grateful.

God bless you all!

P.S. I just wanted to add why in earlier texts I fell into such a huge depression. I was looking for affirmation from ANYONE, as I saw my mom’s mental health declining again. She has peaks and valleys. This one certainly is a valley!