My Mom's Re-marrying!

[Jacki5389]

So I got the big new tonight…Mom’s getting married. She was married to someone for a short time before my Dad, they were married for 17 years, then divorced about 4 years ago. Now number three is here.

I’m 19 and in my second year of college. She started dating the guy around the time I graduated from high school. Being 3 1/2 hours away from home, I simply haven’t had the time to get to know the guy. He does seem nice, he’s good to her, and I’ve never seen her happier. So in that sense, I’m very happy for her. But then all the other stuff comes into play that this is her third marriage, he’s not Catholic, and she’s easily persuaded.

She did ask me last week what I thought if they got married. Because of all the Church teaching, and SHE’S MY MOM, I REALLY don’t like it. They’ve been living together since July. I plainly told her that since they have been living together (aka sleeping together) I don’t see what difference being married would make.

So she told me by sending an e-mail a few hours ago with a picture of her ring from Hawaii (where she’s currently on vacation with the fiance for the week).

I know it isn’t my place to bring the Church stuff to her attention; she’ll get that in the marriage counseling that she hopefully will go to. That’s a thing too…I could see her maybe marrying outside of the Church because he isn’t Catholic.

It doesn’t help that my Mom and Dad do not speak to each other. I’m the go-between because my sister doesn’t talk to either of them. I don’t want to tell my Dad, and I’m not going to…as a mentor of mine advised…its Mom’s call. Dad has abandoned the Faith and has been out with over 60 women in the past couple years. Yeahh, he keeps this list that I’ve found in his office (just laying out) with their names and sexual favors they’ve given him if applicable. Ugh. This week (I’m home on break), he’s had a women over four times, and each night, they’ve had sex or done something sexual while I’m here. His room is right above mine so if my music isn’t playing, I hear it. I don’t know how I could say anything to him. He would just say that its none of my business and if I don’t like it, I should go out and do something. I think I shouldn’t have to have that going on when I come home…if I wanna stay home and just chill out, I should be able to without hearing moans!

So I just feel completely lost about how to react to this situation right now. My best friend is not at all understanding. That mentor of mine is a former girlfriend of Dad’s so I don’t want to talk about the sex thing with her. And I could talk to my sister, but she isn’t too great with talking about feelings, and I wouldn’t really want to explain the whole Dad-having-sex all the time story.

If you guys can relate or have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!!! How do I be happy for my Mom, while knowing that she’ll be living in perpetual mortal sin??

Peace and prayers

 

[Simon_X]

Jacki, not a lot advise for you sorry to say. But I do want to say how sad I feel for you. Your parents certainly aren’t giving you the respect and type of role modeling that you and your sister deserve. This kind of makes me angry since I am the father of 2 teens myself. Unfortunately, we live in a society where this type of behavior (parents divorcing and doing their own thing no matter who it hurts) seems to be all too common. You sound like you’re trying to live a responsible and moral life. God Bless you for that.

I might suggest a couple things. Try to stay somewhere else other than with your father’s place when you’re in town. You’re probably rest a lot better and won’t be around creepy behavior.

Pray for both your Mom and Dad they one day come back to the Church or at least back to God. Live a life that based in the Church and you won’t go wrong.

Take care, I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers…

 

[John_Walsh]

You need to, out of love & concern for her soul & yours, tell your mom she is still married unless previous were annuled. Any relations are adultery. The topic of letting one continue in sin without telling them was recent sermon topic. After mentioning, drop it. Having had teenagers to come back later to say “you were right” works with parents, siblings & co-workers as well.

I am divorced since Jan. 1994 & the Lord started calling me home before almost 2nd that was sheduled for spring of 2003. I get weak & start wondering about another relationship now & then. I almost immediatly think of my wife & children, thank the Lord and go on.

 

[Jacki5389]

I do believe that both previous marriages were annulled. My mom has never told me about the first marriage, I found that one out on my own. Even if they were annulled, it still doesn’t make it right, correct? I had a recent talk about this with my priest at school. A divorce is the concerns of the civil union. An annullment just says that the sacramentally married couple are no longer living together. For Scripture says that once two are married, they become one, and that one cannot ever be separated. In the eyes of the Church, the vows “…until death do us part.” mean that they will remain married under God until one dies.

 

[Jacki5389]

I might suggest a couple things. Try to stay somewhere else other than with your father’s place when you’re in town. You’re probably rest a lot better and won’t be around creepy behavior.

I could go other places. But this is still home, ya know?

 

[BamaRider]

First welcome to CAF, glad to have you here.

I won’t address your mother’s live in arangement and upoming marriage, several here have already done a good job with it.

Having to endure your father is another matter.

I’m going to guess he’s middle aged? At that age men sometimes question everything they have ever done. Relationships, careers, etc.

It doesn’t help that my Mom and Dad do not speak to each other. I’m the go-between because my sister doesn’t talk to either of them. I don’t want to tell my Dad, and I’m not going to…as a mentor of mine advised…its Mom’s call. Dad has abandoned the Faith and has been out with over 60 women in the past couple years. Yeahh, he keeps this list that I’ve found in his office (just laying out) with their names and sexual favors they’ve given him if applicable. Ugh. This week (I’m home on break), he’s had a women over four times, and each night, they’ve had sex or done something sexual while I’m here. His room is right above mine so if my music isn’t playing, I hear it. I don’t know how I could say anything to him. He would just say that its none of my business and if I don’t like it, I should go out and do something. I think I shouldn’t have to have that going on when I come home…if I wanna stay home and just chill out, I should

Is HE really this good??? What is it about him or does he set the bar kinda low for who he brings home? Four different women within a week???

So I just feel completely lost about how to react to this situation right now. My best friend is not at all understanding. That mentor of mine is a former girlfriend of Dad’s so I don’t want to talk about the sex thing with her

I would. “Hey you know you were #4 for that week?” SHeesh. At the rate your dad is going, everywhere you go in town is gonna meet someone from his bedroom.

I hope all this doesn’t leave you with a bad feeling about men. We are all not like your dad. I could not imagine having sex with strange women, never mind while my little girl was in the same house!

Stay true to your Faith and Church, let it guide to what is right and wrong, and leave your father’s home when you are able. I don’t blame ya for being upset.

 

[Just_wondering]

I do believe that both previous marriages were annulled. My mom has never told me about the first marriage, I found that one out on my own. Even if they were annulled, it still doesn’t make it right, correct? I had a recent talk about this with my priest at school. A divorce is the concerns of the civil union. An annullment just says that the sacramentally married couple are no longer living together. For Scripture says that once two are married, they become one, and that one cannot ever be separated. In the eyes of the Church, the vows “…until death do us part.” mean that they will remain married under God until one dies.

Someone better-informed than me will come along and give more details, but this is not accurate. An annulment, or more accurately a declaration of nullity, is when a tribunal finds that the marriage was not a valid sacramental union in the first place. That would be due to some problems that existed from the very beginning - for example, a lack of understanding of what marriage is, a pre-existing marriage to another person, or mental illness that prevents one partner from giving valid consent.

Plenty of couples separate (temporarily or permanently) yet remain in a valid marriage. It’s even possible to be married to someone that you haven’t seen in 20 years since they left with the divorce papers in hand. If a marriage tribunal says that the marriage was valid at its inception, they are still married even if they’re recognized to be living apart. If it says the marriage was invalid, they were never married even when they were living together. Until the tribunal rules on the issue, we assume that they are indeed still married.

If your parents’ marriage was indeed declared null, then they were not married at all, and only thought they were for 19 years. In that case, there’s no impediment to your mother getting re-married. However, none of us can judge that - only a marriage tribunal can determine whether your parents’ marriage was valid.

 

[Jacki5389]

No, Guy, it has been the same woman, four times this week.

My Dad just turned 52 last month. He and my Mom divorced because he abused her…only once or twice physically, but severely mentally from when I was 12-16. Screaming, pounding, ridiculousness that scares me to even remember it EVERY night for four years. My sister and I would have to go upstairs and yell at them to stop it…we had school and things to do in the morning. And we were just told to go back to bed. But that’s a whole different story.

And that mentor/former gf…they dated for over a year during my junior and senior years of high school and a bit of the summer after. She is the sweetest woman I know. She has moved on in her life, but she and I got real close and we stay in touch. She’s like an aunt to me. She never allowed for any kind of intimacy when I was around. And I wouldn’t mention it to her because it may hurt her to see how my Dad just went on to other women so fast, etc. I do love her, and that info just isn’t necessary for her to know.

And I do not have a bad feeling towards all men. I certainly know how to weed 'em out though! I have very high standards for my future husband, wherever he is.

 

[Jacki5389]

If your parents’ marriage was indeed declared null, then they were not married at all, and only thought they were for 19 years. In that case, there’s no impediment to your mother getting re-married. However, none of us can judge that - only a marriage tribunal can determine whether your parents’ marriage was valid.

So this makes my sister and I bastard children.

From my understanding, even if the marriage is annulled, which it usually finds a way to be done, it is adultry to become re-married and the Catholic may no longer receive the Holy Eucharist becuase of living in perpetual mortal sin. Penance doesn’t even work out because that is a sin she wouldn’t be confessing (she wouldn’t be truly sorry for getting married) and therefore holding a sin back.

 

[bpbasilphx]

You know. so many times I read stories on these fora with the roles reversed–Catholic child is entering into a possibly irregular marriage outside the church, and Catholic parents are upset.

You are not called upon to agree with her decision, but you should still love her and not let his possible mistake get in between you two.

If it were to blow up in your mother’s face, who else could help her pick up the pieces?

And who else is there to pray for her and lovingly urge her to get this situation regularized according to the rules of the Church?

 

[Just_wondering]

So this makes my sister and I bastard children.

From my understanding, even if the marriage is annulled, which it usually finds a way to be done, it is adultry to become re-married and the Catholic may no longer receive the Holy Eucharist becuase of living in perpetual mortal sin. Penance doesn’t even work out because that is a sin she wouldn’t be confessing (she wouldn’t be truly sorry for getting married) and therefore holding a sin back.

No, the Church does not call the children of marriages that are later declared null bastards. The Church recognizes that the couple thought they were in a valid marriage at the time, and the kids are recognized as legitimate.

If the marriage is null, then re-marriage is not adultery. There is no perpetual mortal sin in getting married if there is a declaration of nullity on a previous marriage.

I urge you to talk to a priest about this, to set your mind at ease. The priest may have better answers to your questions than I do, and can certainly give you advice on how to react to your mother’s re-marriage. I will be praying for you.

 

[Jacki5389]

Haha, yes, I’ve been the parent in this family for a good while now on many issues.

I know it isn’t my place to agree with the decision. I just don’t know how I can be happy for her or participate in the ceremony (probably as a bridesmaid) when I know its so wrong. I still hurt a lot from my parent’s divorce. Add on to that stress of college, my Dad’s promiscuity, my sister living with her boyfriend, and the stress of my unsupportive total Fundamentalist best friend and the fights we have.

 

[Jacki5389]

Well thank you for the info Just Wondering. I do appreciate it.

I also do plan on talking with my priest at school as soon as I can when I go back this Sunday. Its just right now that I’m kind of freaking out and I figured you guys could help a bit. And you do.

 

[BamaRider]

No, Guy, it has been the same woman, four times this week.

My Dad just turned 52 last month. He and my Mom divorced because he abused her…only once or twice physically, but severely mentally from when I was 12-16. Screaming, pounding, ridiculousness that scares me to even remember it EVERY night for four years. My sister and I would have to go upstairs and yell at them to stop it…we had school and things to do in the morning. And we were just told to go back to bed. But that’s a whole different story.

And that mentor/former gf…they dated for over a year during my junior and senior years of high school and a bit of the summer after. She is the sweetest woman I know. She has moved on in her life, but she and I got real close and we stay in touch. She’s like an aunt to me. She never allowed for any kind of intimacy when I was around. And I wouldn’t mention it to her because it may hurt her to see how my Dad just went on to other women so fast, etc. I do love her, and that info just isn’t necessary for her to know.

And I do not have a bad feeling towards all men. I certainly know how to weed 'em out though! I have very high standards for my future husband, wherever he is.

Ohhhhhhhh ok, that extra info brings things into more focus.

Your parents have not been good examples, despite that you have done well and have a grasp on things. Other then voicing your displeasure at the situation probably not a whole lot you can do.

Take it for what its worth sweetie, pray about it and maybe things will change. Otherwise I focus on what’t ahead for Jacki, God has a plan for you, and when you follow it, things work. Surround yourself with positive, good people. You whole life is before you.

You know first hand what happens when people stray from God’d plan. The thing is though, if your parents asked Him for a path, and came back, He would provide them with one.

 

[nablaise]

I have to comment that I have been in a similar situation. Though my parents remarried once both of them. After learning a little more about the Church teachings on marriage I have wondered whether me and my siblings were bastards as well, I have to also thank Just Wondering for her clarifications on this issue.

Well, I have to say that the way you keep your faith is admirable. They are really few people who would hold on in such situations. I guess this is one of the ways God shows his mighty power even in midst of chaos. I would say that your faith is already a miracle of God and you can trust on him as you pray for your family. It is good that you spent most time at school.

My little advice would be to find a way to be involved in the Church, like youth group, a way to find more conforting best friends.

God bless and I pray for you.

 

[aloejamb]

First I want to say I am sorry that you are going thru all of this turmoil. When I read your first post, it had so many(not all) elements of what my family has gone thru. My parents divorced after 32 yrs. of marriage. I can’t imagine starting out my life on my own (you’re 19??) and having to deal with this. It was hard enough for me at 31.
My mom cheated on my dad and then went to live with her new man after the divorce was final. I spoke the Truth about it. She didn’t like it but they were married a short time after that. I wasn’t happy about thier marriage. They were married in the Church. I was not aware that she was practicing her faith again. I went to the wedding because there must have been some sort of behind the scenes happenings that I was not privy to. Without all of the info in front of me, who was I to pass judgement?
Anyways, the advice I have for you is to speak the Truth …such as in your mom’s living arrangements but speak it and then just pray for her. It’s your job to tell her the truth, not beat it into her. When/if she asks your opinion, give the truth. Same with your dad. Sounds to me like your dad is covering his pain with all of these women. It will end soon. I have witnessed that one too.
My biggest advice to you is to not get dragged into all of their chaos. You have to set boundaries. And sometimes you have to repeat what they are. Don’t be the go between…those two are no longer together and chose not to have contact. It isn’t for you to divulge any information to either one. Don’t listen when they dog each other. Keep close to God. He will let you know what to do when a situation arises where you have no clue how to act. Sometimes you will get it wrong or let something slip out of emotion but learn from it and move on.
I agree with the other poster who mentioned not staying at your dad’s house. I know it’s home for you but it’s hard to set boundaries when it’s right there in your face.
You are in my prayers. I truly feel for you and know what emotions you are going thru right now.:console:

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Other people have given you really good advice.

If you want to know more about the decree of nullity process, I suggest you read the book, Annulment: The Wedding That Was. It doesn’t pronounce your mother’s current behaviors correct, but it shows thought and process behind the decree process.

And here’s Ten Myths About Annulment that should help you.